Buzz Off Infertility

The time has come

2011-10-11T21:15:00.001-07:00

As much as I hate leaving this blog behind, the time has come to make a new blog. Life after infertility, kind of odd saying that.. isn't it? But infertility will never leave me. I dealt with it 2 1/2 years before we had our first son, then 3 1/2 years before we conceived our second son. Will I be back here? Who knows. I know eventually we'll try for another child, but for now life with our 2 sons is all we need.

It's hard to leave behind a blog you've had for years, but I feel like every one who signed up for my blog was signed up to it due to it being an infertility blog. Is it fair to those struggling to be following a blog that no longer is about infertility? I know some people actually love it, because it means people are being blessed and leaving the infertile life behind them.. but there's always a large portion who it hurts because it's a reminder. A reminder of what a lot of us long for, struggle for, and try so hard to achieve. In no way do I want my blog to be a reminder of someone's pain.

So if you want to follow me, check me out at the link below:
The good stuff

Retiring?

2011-09-29T20:34:00.000-07:00

When I had my son I retired this blog until I started TTC again and was dealing with infertility... I'm not sure if I should do that again. I know it's hard to read people's baby updates sometimes, especially when the blog was meant to be infertility related and that's why it was followed. I have around 35 followers... truthfully not sure how many people read my blog any more or just skip over it. Either way, I still am thinking of those others and wondering if I should start a new blog. Most likely in the future I will. I have another blog I used to post back years ago on, perhaps I'll consider going back to that one if I don't make a new blog. Either way I'll post a link when I do make my decision.

The birth story

2011-08-23T14:09:00.000-07:00

I know I'm 3 weeks late, but I've been trying to recuperate from the birth. That and recalling every thing that happened that night is honestly a chore, it was what I'd consider a long (and painful) experience, but worth it all in the end.

On July 27th I had my ob/gyn appointment, I was 3 cm dilated, 50% effaced and still -2 station. She said my cervix was soft and felt it would be a very opportune time to strip my membranes early because Daniel was measuring big the whole pregnancy and she guessed he'd be at least 9 pounds full term. While most measurements are off 1-2 pounds, I felt there was no harm in stripping my membranes. If it started labor then so be it! For the next three days I had a continuous bloody show and lost globs of mucus plug. Sorry for too much information there! I also experienced off and on contractions, but nothing active. I'd say most days I had around 5-10 contractions.

On July 30th my mother came to visit, so she could be there taking care of my oldest son while I was in labor. She arrived around 4 pm that after noon. 5:30 pm I noticed active contractions, happening every 5-10 minutes and a couple hours later they were roughly every 2-6 minutes. Depending on if I was sitting or walking they were not always very consistent. The contractions were not that bad, so I did not mind them but near the end they increased in intensity. Still I was able to laugh through them. My mother joked with me if I thought I was in labor and I responded I probably was, but refused to go to the hospital until I needed to push or my water bag popped.

I kept telling my husband that night he should head to bed because it probably was going to be a long night. At 10:40 pm he decided he would get ready for bed and start brushing his teeth. Around 10:45 I told my mother she needed to get his attention and get him out because my water bag had broke. So it was off to the hospital for us. Every one assumed labor would be so quick so I shouldn't labor at home at that point, since the only thing that seemed to hold me back with my first delivery was that my water bag didn't pop.

The nurses didn't want to check me often because of possible risk of infection, just wanted to play it by ear. Unfortunately the contractions were every 2-3 minutes and very intense. They hurt so badly and I decided around 1 am to go for the epidural. I had always planned to go natural, but I was experiencing so much pain no matter what I did it wouldn't make it better. They decided since I was getting an epidural to check how dilated I was... -2 station and 4cm. I was disappointed to find out I hadn't dilated much. Only 4cm after all I had been through. I cannot remember the exact time I was given the epidural, I think it may have been 1:30 am by that point. They had to do the epidural twice and warned me due to the situation I'd possibly be one of the 1 out of 100 people to get an epidural headache.

Soon after the epidural I noticed I was completely numbed up to my chest, which caused me to feel like I could not breathe. It definitely wasn't a fun situation. They wound up waiting on giving me continuous medicine and told me in 1 1/2 hours that I would start feeling contractions again and then they would see about giving me more. So 1 1/2 hours later (roughly 3 am) I noticed the contractions were in full swing again, quite painful. I had spot numbness, parts of me including my chest were very numb still. So they slowly and cautiously gave me more medicine until I couldn't feel pain again. They also checked me and I was only 5-6 cm by that point and still -2 station. Between this ordeal my blood pressure plummeted to roughly 85/55 so I wound up getting an Epinephrine shot. They took out my catheter because I was feeling so much pressure in my bladder it felt like I needed to pee.

Shortly after there had been some issues with Daniel going into fetal distress so they wound up putting the heart rate monitor internally and when he still showed signs of distress they put the contraction monitor internally as well. Around 5 am I was 6-7 cm and unfortunately he was still showing some signs of distress so I wound up with oxygen and they actually pumped fluids up there to substitute amniotic fluid. After they did that things were much smoother with him and there was no other worries with him.

At 6:30 am I was feeling a ton of pressure both in my bladder and my bowels. They wound up giving me another catheter at this point to hopefully relieve some pressure I was feeling. I was 8 cm by this point and he was roughly 0 station.

Pressure was getting worse by 8 am, to the point my body was actually pushing on it's own and I could not stop it! It was getting very intense so they checked me again. I was still 8 cm dilated, no progress! I felt really defeated by this point. I was trying hard to rest and hope it would be over soon since my body refused to lighten up. After a long 1 1/2 hours, I was checked at 9:30 am. Was finally 10 cm and ready to push! Thank heavens too because by that point I was feeling even more pressure and was having a hard time not pushing on my own.

It didn't take long for my ob/gyn to arrive in my room and quickly I was pushing. It was rough and they had me push really hard back to back. 15 minutes or so of pushing Daniel made his entrance into the world!! July 31st (39w3d) at 9:54 am. He was 9 pounds even, 22 inches long. Average sized heads of newborns are 35cm and his was 37cm! His apgar score was 8,9.

Truthfully my recovery has been a long one. Since I want to keep this as his birth story, I will post it later!

Introducing....

2011-08-11T19:15:00.000-07:00

Name: Daniel Robert W.
Birth date: July 31st, 2011
Time: 9:54 am
Weight: 9 pounds
Height: 22 inches

Birth Story to eventually follow... once I can recall all the activity of that night, and after I catch up on enough sleep to focus longer! You gals who have had children and are blogging weekly amaze me!

29 weeks update

2011-05-20T14:20:00.000-07:00

It's been quite some time since I've been here. Truthfully part of it is because I feel a little guilty posting updates here when there's so many people struggling to conceive. I get how hard it is to see my blog posts at the same time, I've been in others shoes. On the other side I get hurt because I cannot mention anything without feeling bad. I actually was hurt when someone on twitter announced the pregnancy updates from every one was overwhelming and they would be no longer following them. I was one of those people who was unfollowed. It made me feel like when you get pregnancy you no longer need the support you did when you were infertile. Can I consider myself fertile? Well, no... I struggled with my 5 year old son 2 1/2 years and one miscarriage to conceive. This one I struggled 3 1/2 years and 2 more miscarriages.

Just because I'm pregnant doesn't mean I haven't needed support. Every one who has been in my shoes or any one else's knows it's hard to not worry for the baby growing inside you. It's hard. I wish infertility and pregnancy loss never had to exist. I wish it was a ton easier on every one.. but then perhaps there would be less people out there who appreciated what the gift they were receiving.

Any way... an update:

How Far Along: 29 weeks

How Big is The Baby: At our 26 1/2 week ultrasound he actually was roughly 2 1/2 pounds already. So I'm guessing roughly 3 pounds+ now? My fundal measurement was 34 cm!! And no, the big baby isn't a result of GD (I passed!!)

Total Weight Gain: I believe I hit 15 pounds now.

Maternity Clothes: Definitely, caved in and bought more last week. Got some shorts and capris!!

Sleep: Decent. I mean I still wake up in the night a lot, but I'm sleeping even if I don't feel like I get enough.

GENDER: Boy!

Movement: A ton of movement. He's all over the place!! DH finds it funny - he'll stick his ear on my belly and it's like ESP because a few seconds later the baby locates him and hits/kicks his ear.

Food Cravings: Sweets mainly. Chinese food too. If only I got my way!!

What I Miss: I kind of miss not having to be so picky on what I eat, since the nausea hasn't gone away at all.

What I'm looking forward to: Getting the baby room cleaned out hopefully soon!! It's still being used to make the 2nd DVD holder he's working on!!

Milestones: It was a great milestone when we hit viability. Now it's great to be officially in the 3rd trimester.

Symptoms: Exhaustion, food aversions, nausea. Same deal, different day :) Oh we added acid reflux to the list as well. Back and hip pain (since about 14 weeks) as well.

If any one wants to have a guess on baby stats, I have a page up for fun:

I'm a failure

2011-03-29T14:37:00.000-07:00

I thought I'd do better with ICLW and commenting on others blogs, but I just couldn't keep up. This weekend has been busy, we tried getting some of the front grass removed. Didn't do as much as I hoped for , but we keep getting rained and trust me rain makes dirt/grass much heavier and harder to deal with. I'm hoping next weekend looks nicer, but the weather report says it'll be rain like normal. That's what we get for living in Washington, isn't it?

Otherwise it's been trying to do household things. We have so much to accomplish. It didn't help that my husband accidentally cut his thumb on the router two days ago. No hospital visit, but he sure mauled his finger nicely. Found out pregnancy and mauled finger makes me a little faint and squeamish, go figure.

The last few days I've felt horrible. I think I need to work on a few things this pregnancy, both eating better and drinking more water to start. I'm starting to get dizzy and faint feeling more often and it's made it harder for me to function. It's definitely made things a challenge, that's for sure. Hard to be in the mood to do much of anything when you feel like crap. I'm still trying to push past it, get things done... but I'm definitely slower then I wish I was.

As for the baby room? As you can imagine no update there. I have to start buying a few things soon as well! Lots of items to get since I got rid of majority since it seemed like I wasn't ever going to need to use them. Thankfully we have our dresser and crib left over. Too bad that's not all we need! It'll get done, that's for sure. I'm only 21 weeks so we still have time.

I hope every one is doing well!

The never ending to-do list

2011-03-24T12:48:00.000-07:00

You got to love to-do lists, right? Normally the to-do list sucks when you look at it, but more and more as it gets accomplished it feels so good. But what if it seems to be never ending? That feels like our story lately. As you can imagine it makes it hard to get done.

Currently our future son's nursery room is our computer room. We've managed to fill the room full of things (3 computers & desks, DH's tools and my crafts) so that in itself is a lot of stuff to move. We were going to stick the computers in our "exercise room" so as you can imagine we have a nice little shuffle that needs to happen. Currently my husband has been using his hands and working on a building a big CD holder so when we shift to the other room we have a place to put CD's on a wall, away from any child's reach. It'll be nice, but my husband works from 2 pm-11 pm so there's not much time to get it done unless it's a weekend.

I wish I could say that is it! It's Spring time and we planned to do some landscaping work - tear up the grass in the front yard, lay down fabric and bark so we no longer have to deal with the frustrations of mowing up there. Wanted things to be a little less maintenance as you can imagine. We also need to start planting our seeds for peas, carrots, cantaloupe, etc. I could do *some* it on my own, but lately I'm still fighting to have the energy necessary to get things done. Doesn't mean I won't be trying to get some work done today though! It will be good for me to get out, it's a beautiful sunny day outside (Mid-50's so not too hot) and I know Andrew would love to get out as well since today is his day off of school. Get in some natural vitamin D.

And of course Spring brings out Spring cleaning! Every year I donate items to Goodwill however I still feel like we have too much in our house. I'm pretty certain our junk is reproducing!! So that's on the list of things to do - I already have 2 donation piles and that will get bigger here soon.

What's on your to-do list lately, or have you already gotten yours accomplished?

Welcome ICLW

2011-03-21T09:54:00.000-07:00

Welcome to every one who visits from ICLW!! My name is Krystal, I've been married 9 years, have one son who is five years old (conceived after 2 1/2 years and one miscarriage). I'm 20 1/2 weeks pregnant after trying 3 1/2 years and having 2 miscarriages. My husband is shore duty in the Navy, which has been much nicer on the stress as you can imagine.

I love crafts and designing things, but I don't get much time for it as you can imagine. Life keeps me busy, but I wouldn't have it any other way. My favorite thing overall is photography, I absolutely love photography. I keep questioning how easy it will be to have a 2 month old and 5 year old and go to balloon races but since it's 4 hours away I know it won't happen. Perhaps another year, right? :)

Unfortunately I haven't been blogging much because it's been a bad week. The beginning of last week my computer was having a fit so after many many hours getting things off my computer I finally got it reformatted and back up running. I thought that would be the worst thing that happened that week, until Wednesday the 16th, hit and in the evening my husband and I realized our cat Boots has passed away. I'm still not handling it well either, he was our best snuggler and always acted like a baby. We have his mama Jasmine, found her when she was abandoned in the Navy and pregnant. So we've had him since day 1, March 29th he would've been 9 years old. It's hard losing my furbaby, no less without warning. Took us off guard.

I think that's all to say. I hope you all have an enjoyable ICLW!! Not sure how many I'll see this week, but thanks to all those who visit and take time to comment.

I love crafts

2011-03-06T14:41:00.000-08:00

My mother has always been creative and loves crafts. The biggest thing she does is crochet, even when she had surgery on a few of her fingers she had the urge to crochet the same day (didn't though, wouldn't be too good to abuse her fingers right after surgery).

I've always loved crafts and artsy stuff - my biggest is photography, but I do love a lot of other crafts. However... I'm the world's biggest procrastinator. I've bought wire jewelry books and supplies, hardly ever touch them or try. I've gotten yarn and they only get used up when my mother visits and takes them off my hands and crochets us a blanket (you can imagine we have a few!) I was working on a quilt for Aldon - a tigger blanket. Never finished it and it's been 5 years!! I also have bisque ornaments, probably 20 of them all are half finished.

I'm kind of having the urge to do some crafts. Honestly I feel like making baby hats - go figure, right? But after seeing some very cute hats (like the monkey hat) I really want to see if I can follow the pattern and make them. Kind of a challenge when I only know so much about crocheting on my own, but I think it'd be fun. It'd be a change of pace. So I vow that in the next week or two I will update about what I've done!! Just got to get me a nice color brown yarn to start :)

18 weeks

2011-03-03T17:11:00.000-08:00

I have to first admit - I'm always shy showing off pictures of me. I'm a little self conscious that I was plump before I got pregnant. But this is who I am!! I've vowed after I have the child I will focus on losing weight and getting healthier. I'm trying to start now, but it's hard when I'm still getting over food aversions.

How Far Along: 18 weeks

How Big is The Baby: Baby is the length of a bell pepper (Length: 5 1/2 inches, head to bottom.)

Total Weight Gain: Ummm... around 6 pounds, give or take a pound.

Maternity Clothes: Switched this past week, had to cave in and buy me some maternity pants.

Sleep: Still feel like I'm not getting enough, but I'm used to that.

GENDER: Finding out in 4 days.

Movement: Last week I felt movement for 5 minutes, the second move made me jump since it felt like someone was jumping in there! Since then nothing noticeable.

Food Cravings: Ice cream and chocolate. Horrible too since there's none in the house.

What I Miss: On and off deli meats, but I'm not sure if it's a situation of wanting what you can not have since I don't normally eat deli meats.

What I'm looking forward to: Knowing the gender and getting the baby room cleaned out.

Milestones: Felt distinguished movement last week. 18 weeks in itself feels like an accomplishment!!

Symptoms: Exhaustion, food aversions, nausea.

Quickening, back pain and pelvis. Oh my!

2011-02-23T12:39:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I've posted. Every one says the 2nd trimester brings so much relief from exhaustion, discomfort, and nausea... they lied. I'm not upset about it (and I'm not complaining - it's more of a documentation, this has been new), but I do miss having energy that's for sure!! Would sure help when we have so much planned for the next few months (landscaping, gardening, nursery, etc).

I know I posted about abdomen pain and back pain. Well I went to see my doctor February 7th and she felt my uterus and said it feels like the baby had a growth spurt (which was what the abdomen pain was probably coming from). As for the back pain she pushed on my pelvis thinking it'd be sensitive there, but instead found out my back cried bloody murder. She referred me to a physical therapist and I saw them last week. He felt around and had me do different things, when he pressed on my pelvis he said the right side is actually turned skewed inward (I'm still trying to figure out how that happened and what it looks like). So I'll be going to physical therapy at least once a week.

Baby's heart beat is around 160's. Everything else is doing good - I'll be getting the gender scan in less then 2 weeks!

Oh yeah and 2 days ago I felt quickening. I was laying down on the couch. Felt some weird movement and jumped when all of a sudden I felt a jump in there!! It continued for 5 minutes and then stopped. Was the coolest feeling ever but did catch me off guard!!

I want every one to know, I do read your blogs. I'm always hoping for great news and keeping my fingers crossed. I know I don't always get a chance to respond but I'm always crossing my fingers, keeping hope and praying someday there will be great news. Whether TTC or on an adoption list, I'm thinking of you.

14 weeks

2011-02-04T20:22:00.000-08:00

How Far Along: 14 weeks (and 1 day)

How Big is The Baby: From what I've read 3 1/2 inches from crown to rump, roughly the size of a lemon

Total Weight Gain: 2 pounds

Maternity Clothes: I lost weight so I had some clothes that were bigger on me, but now they're getting snug. I need to get a belly band or something soon!

Sleep: Off and on still, wake up a ton during the night for various reasons - peeing and uncomfortable

GENDER: Unknown

Movement: Off and on I swear I feel something, but too soon for solid movement.

Food Cravings: Ice cream and sweets

What I Miss: I never slept solidly any way, so I cannot miss that if I never had it.. can I? Honestly the only thing I wish was my back pain would lighten up.

What I'm looking forward to: Finding out the babies gender in ~6 weeks.

Milestones: I'd say getting to the 2nd trimester is a good milestone!

Symptoms: Back pain, sore breasts, exhaustion, uncomfortable sleeping (I'm a belly sleeper), nausea, food aversions. None of it has lightened up yet.

Been feeling pain

2011-02-04T13:08:00.000-08:00

Called my ob/gyn last week because of some uterus pain that felt like someone stabbed me with a knife and back pain. They said it could be a UTI (why I don't know) so they said if pain continued to come in the next day for a urine test. It lessened so I kind of brushed it off, since a urine test for UTI made no sense to me.

I called them today.. still waiting to hear back. My cramping/uterus pain is still on and off but my back pain is getting WORSE. Unfortunately no word back from them yet. I know my ob/gyn should be in this week (she wasn't last week) so hopefully they'll fit me in today. Otherwise I wait in pain for my Monday appointment.

Updated: They still insisted it could be a UTI. Went there for urine and they told me the beginning test (I believe white blood count) came back negative, no UTI. The doctor told them to tell me to take ibuprofen and see her on Monday for my appointment. Gee, pain over the weekend? Great! I'm just thinking maybe my scoliosis is coming back maybe. Don't know how any one could see if my back is out of shape while pregnant.. MRI?

Second trimester

2011-02-01T14:32:00.000-08:00

Technically speaking I'm in the second trimester, I'm 13w5d. There's so much confusion on when the 2nd trimester starts that it frustrates me. I always thought once I hit 12 weeks I was in the 2nd trimester and in the "clear", but different places say different things about when the 2nd trimester actually hits. Some places say it's 13 weeks, some say it's 14 weeks. If we go off the whole dividing 40 weeks into trimesters it'd really be 13.3 weeks. Hence my confusion!! So I've decided - I'm in the 2nd trimester!

Honestly I'm still exhausted and still having a ton of food aversions. Do I mind? Only somewhat, I mind exhaustion when I know there's things to get done but I know I need my rest. I do kind of miss eating a variety of foods. Even as of lately I eat something, it tastes good and my stomach likes it then days later I'll eat the same thing and my stomach hates it. Kind of interesting how this pregnancy has been going. I've been enjoying the pregnancy either way, although sometimes even though my symptoms have been so intense I still have those moments that I feel like I'm not pregnant. When a friend asked if I seriously was pregnant I about said no! It still kind of feels like I'm in a dream.

My DH and I have been trying to get our son's bedroom looking like a big kid room. He's 5 on the 14th and it's about time he's out of the nursery setting. I've been asked why we didn't just switch him into another room and keep the nursery, but we wanted it to be simple. In 2 years we'll probably be selling this place so we wanted his room to look like the rest of the house. That and we already have enough room switching to do when we do get further along in this pregnancy. As for our nursery room? We'll keep it the light blue it is no matter what gender we get and just decorate it accordingly. I know I'll figure it out, I always do!!

Promise some day I'll show off some of the "before" pictures, when he had a nursery and now his big boy room. We still have to finish the trim around the ceiling, window and door though before we move his room back in.

It's kind of amazing how time has flown...

I know I haven't been there for you

2011-01-25T14:05:00.000-08:00

I apologize I have not been there for my blog friends. I'm reading people's posts, saving them to respond to later and not getting around to it. I'm sorry if you haven't seen me comment lately but I promise I'm watching out for you praying things are going well and getting better.

I feel guilty a lot lately. Between lack of energy then winding up with an upper respiratory infection and getting put on antibiotics, I haven't had the energy to do much. From blog commenting to painting rooms I need to. I hope every one understands and I promise I will be responding to every one soon!! I'm always thinking about every one.

Stupid cold

2011-01-11T20:00:00.000-08:00

Four days ago I wound up getting sick, the unfortunate part of having a kiddo in school - always getting sick. Thankfully he recuperates quicker then I do, in fact he's pretty much over it aside from a cough that lingers. My body lets it linger and get worse. Two nights ago I wound up with a 101 degree fever, which I know it isn't good when you're pregnant. Eventually we did get it to break, thankfully. However I'm still coughing up a storm - hacking up a lung or two and I hurt... all over. So I called my ob/gyn yesterday and now I'm on antibiotics to deal with the issue. I'm thankful for that, hopefully I can get over it really soon. My mom is 100% sure I have an upper respiratory infection. She's had her fair share of them, and I'm positive she's correct with the way I've been reacting.

Honestly I'm tired (you should have saw what I typed instead of "tired" - I was a few letters off which tells you how exhausted I am). I woke up at 5 am yesterday morning and never did get back to sleep, although my lovely DH let me try sleeping in the middle of the day (only semi-successful). This morning has kind of been the same way, although I was able to kind of get back to sleep for an hour or two.

I'm hoping this cold will be over soon, and hoping nothing bad is happening to the baby. I'm praying it doesn't hurt the little bean. Until I get better, all my plans to get things done are on hold.

Thanks for all those who suggested different nausea remedies! Is it odd that a few days later my nausea finally settled down? It's definitely a relief. It still show it's head now and then (everything I eat besides ice cream sounds bad) but it's not as intense now. I just wish food sounded more appealing.

Nausea remedy?

2011-01-02T22:02:00.000-08:00

Does any one have any good nausea remedy suggestions? Willing to try anything!! As long as it can be safely done while pregnant, that is.

I don't puke, thankfully, but my nausea seems to be getting worse. In fact I have so many food aversions this is the list of things so far I crave and/or do not get nausea from eating:

cheeseburgers
french fries
donuts
chocolate
ice cream

Sounds like a very "healthy" list, doesn't it? LOL. Sadly when I eat these, I feel better. So far I've tried a variety of other meals that have been failures. I love their taste, but instant nausea. I'm still trying different recipes to rule out what I can eat without issue (tomorrow probably will be chicken quesidillas, hoping that goes over well).

Other wise.. what has helped your nausea? Any tips? I'd appreciate it.

Bittersweet anniversary

2010-12-29T09:57:00.000-08:00

The day has barely started, but I find myself reflecting on these past 9 months. Today is my husband's and my 9th anniversary and while I should be 100% happy, I'm also finding myself rather sad...

Today was my due date. Instead of being able to celebrate the joy of a birth, I miscarried 8w3d on May 22nd. I know when my husband and I go out on our date tonight, I will enjoy it. But still I'll think about the way things could have been. Would we have not had a date today, but instead be in the hospital while I delivered a child? I know I cannot dwell on the things that can't be, but focus on the future ahead.

Today I'm further then I was last time... tomorrow puts me at 9 weeks. I'm proud, but still nervous about the next few weeks. Everything is going smooth, so I'm definitely feeling better about this pregnancy. I'm grateful for what I have and enjoy every minute I've been blessed, I just worry it will end.

Wishing all my TTC great news! I check in for updates often. I'm so glad to see some of them have had great news and hope wonderful news follows for the rest!

Remind me I still owe you pictures from this last year!

Getting past this point...

2010-12-26T20:49:00.001-08:00

I really hate how infertility and/or recurrent pregnancy loss kills your innocence. It's made it so hard for me to feel happy about things currently. Instead I'm nervous, paranoid and afraid to lose yet another pregnancy.

Honestly I still cannot look at another pregnant ladies belly without a twinge. I'm jealous. Nothing bad, but I'm just wishing I could get to that point. Just kind of hits me and makes me wonder... will I ever get to that point again? Don't get me wrong.. so excited to see all those who've dealt with horrible situations to be blessed. I just worry about my situation.

I wish I could be like my one sister in law... she's a fertile myrtle. As fertile as it gets, in fact she so lovingly referred to her family in her Christmas newsletter as "the ever-growing family". Secretly my other SIL, Misty, and I feel like that means she's pregnant again (she has an 8 month old and two others under 3). She's one of those people who doesn't seem to ever worry about what's going to happen. She's oblivious, it seems. One day I wish she'd live in our shoes and I only wished I lived in hers. Oh to not worry every time you have an ultrasound if it is the last time you'll see a heart beat. Must be nice.

Any one else feel like your innocence has been taken away?

This year at a glance

2010-12-23T09:26:00.000-08:00

I've seen a lot of people looking over their year, and I figured I'd join in and share what my family's 2010 has been like.

January - I had gotten my new camera this month, so as you can imagine I wanted to use it as much as I could. My family and I went to Sequim, WA; Hood Canal in WA; Seattle, WA; Seabeck, WA; and Hood Canal a second time. We had a great time, went to a game farm while we were in Sequim and to the aquarium in Seattle.

February - The beginning of the month my mother came to visit, like most every February to celebrate my son's 4th birthday. She's only missed one and doesn't plan to miss any more if she can. We went bowling and ate some ice cream at dairy queen, we had a blast having her here for the week. After she left we went to visit Hansville, WA and Poulsbo, WA. At Hansville we went to their beach, checked out the lighthouse. It was beautiful over there and in the distance you could see Seattle. It was amazing. In Poulsbo we went to the Marine Science Center, felt some starfish and watched a beautiful Octopus show off for us.

March - In the beginning of the month my sister-in-law and her family came to visit. Her daughter was in cheer leading and one of their competition was 30 minutes away so they visited us in the afternoons for two days. Our kids love each other so they had a blast, but it ended abruptly when our son hit his head into our oak chest and cut himself. He was fine, but at the time it caught him (and us) off guard. This month we also went to Seabeck, WA; Poulsbo, WA; Port Townsend, WA; and Bainbridge Island. A ton of fun - beaches, watching seagulls drop clams on the hard rocks below, seeing a deer in Port Townsend, and going to more beaches.

April/May- In the beginning of April (Easter) we had some fun in Bainbridge Island at their aquatic center with Andrew's twin girl friends and their parents. It was a great time. We also had a Easter hunt and decorated Easter eggs. I found out I was pregnant in mid-April. I had two miscarriages (one before my son and one after) so I was very nervous about everything. HCG showed low numbers, not doubling like they should.. but every one told me to have faith (doctors included). I tried. Saw the heart beat two times even, once when I started spotting at 7 weeks. 8w3d I started bleeding heavily and found out I miscarried. It was horrible. I still trucked on. The same day we found out I miscarried I tried making the best of it by going to a farmer's market for some pictures, but it was hard seeing a lot of pregnant ladies and kids.

June/July - After my miscarriage we didn't do as much. Hit another farmer's market and went to Bloedel Reserve in Bainbridge Island in June. Mid-July we went to visit family in Idaho. We spent two weeks living in my mother's house while we visited every one. We had a good time for the most part. It was hard to go to my father-in-laws house while every one was there, including my one sister-in-law who is a fertile myrtle and was due when I should have been (the miscarriage before this last one). She showed off her two month old to every one, blabbered on about her 2 month old and her two other children - 3 under 3. I was in pain, since I tried 3 years and in that time she had 3 no less one due when mine should have been. I had to spend most my time outside avoiding every one. At the end of the July we went camping with some of his family. It was.. okay. I'm not too fond of camping, being as it was my first time and three different sprays didn't protect me from those mosquitoes. They *loved* me.

August - Beginning of August we made our way home, but stopped and spent a few hours at Yellowstone National Park. Let me tell you if you only have a day, don't do it! That place is so big you need a few days to conquer it all. We loved what we did do there though, then headed back to home stopping halfway there and finishing it the next day. Otherwise the only other thing we did that month was another farmer's market.

September- Instead of being able to truly mourn my mother-in-laws death (she passed away September 8th 2 years ago) my husband wound up having to have surgery on his knee. He wound up having his meniscus tear and it lodged itself in between his knee and caused it to lock up so surgery was rushed. Thankfully the issue has been fixed, but he's still suffering some pain and in physical therapy for who knows how long. My husband was so nice, the day before my birthday a place called Kitsap Tours invited me to come take photos on their tour and my husband told me to go. It was awesome - got to take some great photos and enjoy myself. I honestly don't remember what we did on my birthday, it was just another day but I loved spending it with family. On the 26th we went to Port Gamble, WA for a little fair they had. Andrew loved spending some on the rides, unfortunately though we didn't get to see the wood carving since my husband wound up feeling sick so we headed home.

October - My sister-in-law and her family visited for two days. Her grandma had kitties left on her doorstep so she was determined to find them homes and I told her I'd pay for her to come here, visit a little and give me a kitty. So they did :) We spent a few hours in Bainbridge Island at a place called Kidimu. A kind of discovery place for kids. They had some fun, but we cut it short and headed to Chuck-e-Cheese later that night. End of October was Halloween, of course. Son was dressed up like one of those dragons from "How to train your dragon". We went onto the military base and probably trick or treated for only 30-45 minutes but it was nice for kiddo.

November - Found out I was pregnant this month. Went from tricare prime to tricare standard so I could get an ob/gyn I wanted. I went with Dr. Q who was dealing with my infertility. She's been great. This month hasn't been that busy - we did have a snow day which was kind of nice (aside from the crazy drivers). Got some lovely snow shots and my husband and son threw snow at each other (and at me).

Honestly this month has been slow, but I don't mind. Not much energy, but Christmas is in two days. I'm not 100% ready (husband's presents are not wrapped and Christmas tree is lacking ornaments) so I think I best get to it!! To all those who celebrate, hope you have a wonderful holiday season!!

Perhaps in a few days I'll add some of the pictures I've taken this year.

Welcome ICLW!!!!

2010-12-20T14:08:00.001-08:00

I think it's been a few months since I've done ICLW. I figured it would be good to introduce myself to all the new people checking out my blog and tell a little bit about what's been going on lately.

Well my name is Krystal, I've been married almost 9 years (December 29th) to my Navy man Aldon, and we have a son together who is almost 5 years old. It took us 2 1/2 years and one miscarriage to get pregnant with him, and he's truly a blessing. During the time it took trying to conceive him I was diagnosed with PCOS - long absent periods, some facial hair, weight issues, etc. In fact when I went off birth control to start TTC #1 I didn't have my period for about 10 months until I had to induce it with provera.

In April 2006 I stopped birth control again so we could start TTC #2. I didn't have my period for 9 months and finally when I was about to go in for provera it started up. In September 2009 I found out I was pregnant, but miscarried around 6 weeks. April 2010 I got pregnant and miscarried 8w3d. With low levels of HCG and slow growth I knew it would end out bad, but never expected it would go that long and see the heart beat a couple times before things failed. It was heartbreaking. During these 3 1/2 years I was diagnosed with low progesterone, insulin resistance, and vitamin d deficiency.

A month ago we found out I'm pregnant again, after being on 3 horrible cycles of clomid. The last cycle I actually stopped clomid 3 days into it since I became so emotional, which ironically is the cycle I became pregnant. I'm currently 7 wks 4 days pregnant and everything is going well. You can check for my pregnancy updates on the tab above, I'm updating it often. I was charting for the last 13 months to make sure I hit ovulation on the nose, and so glad I did. I learned so much reading the book "Taking charge of your fertility".

My ob/gyn I have now is very proactive. She's a wonderful lady and I'm glad I changed from Tricare Prime to standard so I could see her. Navy doctors and nurses treated me poorly when I've dealt with recurrent pregnancy loss I couldn't take it any more. And I haven't regretted it at all since I downgraded the insurance.

I'm sure I've left some details out, my history is also on the side.

Welcome to my blog!

Hurting when others hurt

2010-12-17T23:16:00.000-08:00

Near the time I found out I was pregnant I had two friends "confide" in me. One told me she was starting to feel my world - infertility. She found out she had endometriosis and had been trying to conceive for a year. She found out how much it hurt every time she ever asked me "Are you pregnant yet?" before my son was conceived and "are you pregnant yet?" years or so after I had. It hurts to hear another person close to me suffers, but nice to know in my circle of friends I was no longer alone. But it hurt.

And during the same time period one of my friends found out she was 5 weeks pregnant and miscarrying. It's heart-aching whether you were trying to conceive or not. I know she knew about my history, and we discussed things which helped... but I know how it can take time to heal. I wonder is it harder to try hard to conceive, get pregnant and miscarry or find out you are but it's not going to last? Both situations are so harsh, and every one copes in different ways. I cannot imagine.

And just today one of the people I know online from my TTC groups (one I started like 1 year ago that she was in from the beginning who took over it after I miscarried last round and made the group run) found out that the baby was measuring behind and her babies heart stopped beating.

I hurt so much for all my friends. Infertility and miscarriages. No one should have to ever deal with these pains. It always kills me to wonder why people who are crappy parents or don't want kids can get pregnant on a dime but others who totally deserve that love get to suffer. It's heartbreaking. I can only pray time heals their wounds and hearts. I pray we all find our happiness.

I put a friend on facebook block...

2010-12-16T10:40:00.000-08:00

I have to admit - I put a close friend on facebook block this past week or so. Not completely, but just so none of her activity shows up on my front page. I feel guilty for it and I'm sure someone will disagree with my reasoning, but here it is: She posted a 3-d ultrasound of her pregnancy as her facebook picture.

I don't know what other people feel about this - but I feel rather annoyed. She knows I've had miscarriages and I'd see that, so I think it's rather rude. Especially since your facebook picture is supposed to be you.

I've always told other people that I know at least 4 people on my list suffering from infertility and/or miscarriages and before I post a picture of an ultrasound I will be sending a personal message to them about it. I will never make it my profile picture ever, I feel it's painful for others because I've been there. That's why I'm rather sad I put a friend on a block, but it hurts to see that.

I'm sure there's people out there who understand why I did that. She also has one of those weekly updates being posted and saying how far along she is and what should be going on in the pregnancy. I do look at her page every so often, but am so bothered by her picture. Tell me I'm not alone.

Suzy is awesome

2010-12-14T21:40:00.000-08:00

Suzy from Blog sites by Suzy made me a blog!! It's perfect and fits perfectly with "Buzz Off Infertility". I'm so grateful she spent the time and effort to make this wonderful blog layout! Thank you so much!!

My pregnancy

2010-12-13T19:34:00.000-08:00

I'm going to be putting this on it's own post, and updating it with new blood work and ultrasounds that way people can click a link to see all this information and that way it's not posted all the time. Lately I'm feeling kind of guilty about posting here, and with less people responding to my posts now I kind of get it (and respect that). So here it is! Sure my SIL will be excited :) Love her. This eventually will go down the list and only be seen on a toolbar I'll add soon.

Date	Time	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	11 am	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	10 am	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	10 am	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours
11/29/20010	9 am	4w 4d (18dpo)	482 mIU	17.53	58.90 hours
12/02/2010	11 am	5w 0d (21dpo)	1847 mIU	-	38.18 hours
12/06/2010	2 pm	5w 4d (25dpo)	5856 mIU	-	59.47 hours
12/08/2010	2 pm	5w 6d (27dpo)	10,904 mIU	-	53.52 hours
12/10/2010	10 am	6w 1d (29dpo)	15,978 mIU	-	79.82 hours
12/15/2010	11 am	6w 6d	38,778 mIU	-	94.59 hours
12/22/2010	11 am	7w 6d	91,824 mIU	-	133.35 hours

5w1d ultrasound - gestational sac easuring 5w2d

6w1d ultrasound - fetus measuring 6w2d

7w1d ultrasound - fetus measuring 7w2d-7w3d

8w0d ultrasound - fetus measuring 8w1d perfect 171 heartbeat (for those who don't know, that's a yolk sac below)

9w1d ultrasound - fetus measuring 9w0d-9w1d

Ultrasound 01/07/2011 - I owe a picture!! Cleaned my house and have misplaced some stuff! I STILL cannot find this ultrasound to this day.

12w1d - Heard heart beat on the doppler for the first time @ doctor's office. Around the 160's.

14w4d - Heard the heart beat, around the 150's (doctor kind of guesses on that, she told me it doesn't actually tell the heart rate on her doppler!)

Ultrasound 18w4d March 7th, 2011 - 167 BPM, IT IS A BOY! Best picture was of his foot since he was facing my back!

22w4d April 4th, 2011 - Ultrasound since they couldn't check everything with him facing backward. Still facing back, but we got all the shots we need!! Amniotic fluid borderline, they like it above 10 and it was like 9.8. He measured at 1IB 5OZ already!!

26w4d May 2nd, 2011 - Ultrasound shows amniotic fluid looks good. Baby now weighs (according to them) 2 1/2 pounds! We have a chunky monkey! Appointments now happen every 2 weeks, but no future ultrasounds seen. GD came back normal, iron a little low. On supplements. Harder to get a picture of because he's decided to be head down today!

Updating

2010-12-09T15:26:00.000-08:00

Feel free to ignore this post, just updating those who are wondering how my beta's are coming along:

Date	Time	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	11 am	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	10 am	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	10 am	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours
11/29/20010	9 am	4w 4d (18dpo)	482 mIU	17.53	58.90 hours
12/02/2010	11 am	5w 0d (21dpo)	1847 mIU	-	38.18 hours
12/06/2010	2 pm	5w 4d (25dpo)	5856 mIU	-	59.47 hours
12/08/2010	2 pm	5w 6d (27dpo)	10,904 mIU	-	53.52 hours

I was surprised to hear the nurse say "wow" before she gave me the results. I was shocked as well - since they're looking for a doubling time of ~72 hours or slower by this point. I'm feeling better about tomorrow's ultrasound. Everything is going great, so I'm sure this ultrasound will be right where it needs to be.

Bahumbug

2010-12-07T08:39:00.000-08:00

I must admit this holiday season I feel a little more like Scrooge. It's 18 days until Christmas and I haven't told my DH what I want for Christmas. Why? I just don't know. I've been going through a "nesting" stage already.. yes, way too soon, but I want to de-clutter! I see no sense in getting more items when we're trying to get rid of items. I'm also feeling blah this season. I know I have no right too, but with me miscarrying at 8 weeks last time I was pregnant I worry I'll do the same again... which mind you, would hit right at Christmas time.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I cannot overcome that feeling. This pregnancy is leaving me on edge, which so far is going just fine. I just cannot shake the worry of doom. My mom said I was being too negative and I know that I am... I just haven't known anything but miscarriages the past two years.

Perhaps it's time to get the tree decorated and hang up some lights. Maybe that will help me work my way out of a funk. As for knowing what to ask DH for Christmas? Ah, heck, I still don't know. We've been married nearly 9 years, I was bound to stop having stuff I wanted sometime!

Yesterday's blood draw

2010-12-07T07:01:00.000-08:00

Just updating my friend's who want to know how things are going with my blood work, technically posting this later then it says however wanted to show it before the other blog so others could kind of steer clear of it. Right now I'm just talking to myself lately, I think.

Date	Time	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	11 am	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	10 am	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	10 am	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours
11/29/20010	9 am	4w 4d (18dpo)	482 mIU	17.53	58.90 hours
12/02/2010	11 am	5w 0d (21dpo)	1847 mIU	-	38.18 hours
12/06/2010	2 pm	5w 4d (25dpo)	5856 mIU	-	59.47 hours

I asked the nurse if the doubling time was just fine, since I wrote down roughly what the doubling time would be if it was at certain #'s. She says they're very happy about it and that it should be doubling every 72 hours so it was good to hear. Although I know I'll be on edge until I hit 9 weeks I'm so glad to see the #'s doing what they need to do - with the May loss I never hit that high of a number!! Isn't that sad?

Always busy, never complaining...

2010-12-05T08:43:00.000-08:00

I must admit even though I'm a stay at home to my one (almost 5 year old) son, I find myself rather busy all the time. It doesn't help I'm trying to also do a little business on the side, which isn't that successful. Right now it's just fun for me, but it does keep me busy. That along with every thing else - dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc it's amazing how you can fill up the day doing all that! Some of my friends are surprised that most of the time my plans include cleaning some each day. Isn't that always how it goes? It just means we have too much junk!! Which we do, and oddly enough even though every few months I donate we still seem to have more to donate the next time around.

So how about you? Do you find yourself overwhelmed with chores, or are you more laid back? Do you have a plan of attack? Oddly enough chores remind me of TTC, some chose to plan out what they'll do months in advance and some will take it day by day and see where it takes them.

Anyway, if you honestly have some good tips I could use them! I feel like my house is taking over my life!

5 weeks today

2010-12-02T17:21:00.000-08:00

I promise I will be making posts *not* related to pregnancy in the next week. I do want to not lose a lot of followers/friends, although I understand if this becomes one of those blogs that gets looked at less and less. I do want this not to be just about pregnancy, so I will be figuring out ways to make it interesting for every one. Probably include my photography, or perhaps I'll stop being lazy and work on my crafts!! I think I'd shock every one if I did - seeing as my crafts have been untouched for at least a half year. *blush*

However this one is about the pregnancy, sorry! Just an update on the betas. I was getting nervous when it went from a 26 hour beta time to a 68 hour beta time, since it felt like deja vu of my other pregnancies. In May when I was pregnant it was really off. The first two were 40 hour doubling times, jumped to an 100 hour doubling time then 63 hour doubling time... after that all chaos broke lose. Could you imagine at 7 weeks I only had a 3586 mIU HCG level? And yet they tried to play it as just fine! I'm proud to say my last beta doubled in 38 hours. I'm not out of the wood works yet, but I'm feeling better. Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment with Dr. Q - they're not sure what she'll do. Possible ultrasound, probably not.. but she did say we'd be doing one at 6 weeks so here's hoping things look great when we do!

Date	Time	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	11 am	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	10 am	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	10 am	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours
11/29/20010	9 am	4w 4d (18dpo)	482 mIU	17.53	58.90 hours
12/02//20010	11 am	5w 0d (21dpo)	1847 mIU	-	38.18 hours

Results

2010-11-30T10:30:00.000-08:00

Date	Time	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	11 am	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	10 am	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	10 am	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours
11/29/20010	9 am	4w 4d (18dpo)	482 mIU	17.53	58.90 hours

I'm a little hopeful but still nervous. Unfortunately I have to wait for Tricare to update before I can get into the ob/gyn.

Already worried

2010-11-29T09:40:00.000-08:00

Date	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours

I know under 72 hours of a doubling time is normal in some circumstances, but I don't know how to keep hopeful. I was thinking it'd be a ton better then that!! I guess it was a let down. I was expecting to hear a great number, was going to go switch to tricare standard, and see my ob/gyn Dr. Q for pregnancy then. Instead I wonder if I should stick to tricare prime, deal with the navy ob/gyn and tolerate the horrible things I heard the last two times I miscarried. Honestly? I might just switch to standard to talk to Dr. Q about it all. In fact after discussing pros and cons with my mother, when my son goes to preschool today I'm heading to tricare and changing it. No matter what I wanted to go standard eventually. If I miscarry at least she'll handle it nicer and try harder for me, which is more then I could ask from the Navy doctors and nurses. I'm trying to keep my head up. I decided to go in for my blood work today instead of tomorrow, sure the nurse practitioner who wrote me the lab sheet might be annoyed, but it's not her body. Hopefully tomorrow brings better news.

Always an infertile

2010-11-28T10:54:00.000-08:00

I think no matter what when we've experienced miscarriages and/or infertility we're always an infertile no matter what happens in life. Whether we found out we're barely pregnant or have had a child after infertility. We're always an infertile it seems.

I know it's hard for me to look at someone else and see their beautiful round belly, knowing they're very much pregnant and not be overcome with jealousy. It's hard to get past that. I guess it would be easier for us if they told us "We had to use IVF" or "we tried for 5 years", but when we glance at someone we don't know and see their belly all we see is the green eyed monster.

When it comes to people in our infertility circle I think it's easier to be truly happy for them. I'm not saying we aren't jealous of those who announce pregnancies - but at least we're happy to see a graduate.

I fear if I post here about my pregnancy updates I'll lose friends or that I'll upset others. I know it's bound to happen. I would love to post about pregnancy on my other blog, but I don't feel comfortable doing that. When I was pregnant last time I posted on the other blog - and as you know it turned out horrible. I don't feel comfortable talking about pregnancy when I fear that something will happen again. I have recurrent pregnancy loss and I feel more comfortable talking about this here.

I hope I don't lose any of my TTC friends. I know it sucks that others are struggling and getting BFN's, trust me I'm feeling pain for you and really want it to happen for you. Whether it's naturally, IUI, IVF, FET, or adoption.. I truly want to see your happiness and I pray you find it soon. I know it's hard to think about the future as anything but BFN's and miscarriages, but hope you can keep a positive mind that your future will be different. *hugs*

Blood work update!

2010-11-26T11:12:00.000-08:00

Date	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	3 wks 4 days (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	3 wks 6 days (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours

I was so excited to hear those results. My beta has never been this good off the bat, so I'm a little more hopeful this time around. I admit I'll always be nervous, but this is going the way I was hoping! Got my beta drawn today and get another one on Tuesday. Hoping for more good news!

Results are in for 11 dpo

2010-11-24T09:40:00.000-08:00

Date	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels
11/22/20010	3 wks 4 days (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69

Eventually I'll update it more, once I get results (today's results will be on Friday, the rest will be the day after the draw is taken). I got another beta drawn done today, then another one Friday, and one Tuesday (with a progesterone draw that day as well). I'm rather surprised my progesterone went from 7.48 on 7 dpo to 20.69 on 11 dpo. I'm still taking progesterone no matter what. There's no way I'll stop it until 13 weeks, like the ob/gyn told me to.

I'm kind of confident this time. I guess because my 11 dpo was 38 and last time on 12 dpo it was 24. I know the doubling time matters most, but it was nice to see a high number earlier. Hopefully I see a great doubling time. If this week's blood work goes smoothly I'll be switching my insurance so I can get Dr. Q.

Oh the joys of snow!!

2010-11-23T16:44:00.001-08:00

I love snow. At least taking pictures of snow, and sometimes freezing my butt of playing in snow. I took some photos yesterday.. not sure any turned out great, but I did have a blast taking them. I also took some photos today of my son and husband playing in the snow and I'll add a few of them here. It was fun - I tried to take action shots of them throwing snow at each other and at me. I still have to go through them, but even if they don't rate an A+ on photography, they're still awesome.

This post isn't all about the joys of snow... that was just sarcasm!! Yesterday I went in for my beta and progesterone draw. Now it was snowing yesterday, but wasn't extreme when I was out and about around noon. However today was horrible. The snow had ended, but the aftermath of it was there. Here in Washington no one knows how to drive in the snow. It wasn't even that much! Today we saw at least 10-15 cars abandoned on the side of the roads. And found out most medical buildings were closed.. that included my doctor's office and the place I got my blood drawn from. So I didn't get to find out my results!!

So first thing tomorrow I'm going out to get my blood drawn for beta #2 and asking the lab for my results. Fingers crossed. I'm not as concerned with the results from the first beta, more concerned with this next one and any future ones. It doesn't matter where you start in HCG as long as it doubles - so I'm nervous. Hopefully this week goes by without any more issues.

At least the ob/gyn did prescribe me prometrium, which is great! She gave me 3 months and I'm so thankful she did. My next plan is to go on Tricare Standard. Possibly next week if I feel the betas are going smoothly. If they are great numbers and doubling how they need to, I will switch insurances so I can get Dr. Q as my own ob/gyn. If they don't double right.. well, I'm not sure. I hate how the Navy hospital treated my miscarriages. Hopefully the betas are great.

Now on to some photos:

Conflicting emotions...

2010-11-21T21:59:00.000-08:00

I always kidded with Dr. Q she was my good luck - the first time I talked to her about what I should do next with TTC I found out I was pregnant 7 days later. So I kidded her this time when I saw her she may have gotten me pregnant this cycle (since we talked about going on femera next).

Well, you can imagine my shock when I saw:

Yes, I'm a pee addict. The first one I took was the cheap wondfo, which I wanted some definitive results. Hence, the other tests. I'm shocked, but nervous as can be. My progesterone was *7.48* on 7 dpo, three days ago. I know I need progesterone and the only one who can prescribe it is my primary doctor right now, which is not normally what they deal with. I'm not sure they'd even want to prescribe it to me. My insurance only allows me to go to the Navy doctors (unless I go standard) and the Navy doctors refuse to do progesterone draws and progesterone supplements. They don't believe low progesterone cause miscarriages. Either way I'm sacrificing some money soon to go to standard. I refuse to see the ob/gyns at the Navy hospital. I'm scared of a miscarriage, but the ob/gyns and nurses were horrible there.

So either I beg my primary doctor for supplements, or quickly go standard and call Dr. Q for supplements. I'm not sure. I'm happy, but scared. I just don't feel pregnant this round... I'm not experiencing anything like I normally do. Kind of nerve-wracking. Hard to feel excited when you're so nervous!!

My temps are like a roller-coaster, baby...

2010-11-17T09:00:00.000-08:00

Haven't heard back from Dr. Q yet about Femera, but I'm not in a rush yet. I'm 6 dpo so I still have a week to spare until I need to know what the protocol is this cycle (whether or not I'll be taking Femera or needing a cycle or two off of it).

Tomorrow is progesterone day. I'm not too thrilled since my temperatures have been doing a roller-coaster ride of their own, so it makes me wonder what exactly my hormone levels are doing! I guess I'll find out more answers in a few days.

I've made a few Team #hope products on Zazzle. A lot of TTCers on twitter cheer each other on, so this is a shirt with them in mind.

Team #hope by Alittlebitoffun
Use Zazzle's t shirt designer

However, does any one know a place to donate some of my profits to? Is there any legit charities out there for infertility or losses that people know about? I don't know if I'm looking for a needle in the haystack here.

I really don't have faith in this cycle... I'm trying to lose my POAS-addicted mind and not test until at least 11 dpo. I would wait until I was 14 dpo but I don't want to be down about it since that would be Thanksgiving. I do have at least a legitimate reason to want to test early (so I could get put on progesterone) but it's such a waste seeing BFN's all the time. I hope this 2ww goes by quickly and smooth!

Possibly a guinea pig

2010-11-15T09:23:00.001-08:00

I have no hopes for this cycle, let's just start it off with that. My temperatures were higher then normal before ovulation, are above cover-line now with a dip today oncover-line! What is going on? It sucks not knowing what my body is doing, that's for sure.

That being said.. I talked to Dr. Q, my ob/gyn, after this Clomid fiasco that led me to have more anxiety and panic. We talked about not going back on clomid, even if it was a lower dose. There was no way we were going to try that route again! So Femera has been our topic of discussion. She's only prescribed Clomid to her patients TTC so she is spending this week studying/researching Femera more. I didn't know if I need a cycle off between Clomid and Femera since I heard clomid stays in the system for a while (and I didn't want to cause issues). So that's one of the things she needs to find out.

I also talked to her about pregnancy and what she would do. See, right now I'm on Tricare Prime. I hate it. Only because every time I've been pregnant and have gone to the military hospital for ob/gyn care they've treated me like an idiot and were rude to me. The miscarriage in September 2009 they told me I would be getting a 6 week ultrasound to make sure every thing was fine the next time I was pregnant due to have two miscarriages at that point. The pregnancy/miscarriage in May 2010 I had to FIGHT to get a 6 week ultrasound. They flat out said I wouldn't be getting one until the 10-12 week appointment. I had went to human resources to tell them everything said to me and she went up there and fought for me. If it wasn't for her, I'd have not gotten any ultrasounds as early as I did. The nurses are always rude. When I asked for my 7 week HCG they told me it was 3,000 and I started bawling. I knew what it meant... and of course the nurse is like, "Yep should be around 15000" and then she had the nerve to tell me "Well at least then you can go in for more fertility testing." WTF?! So they have never been on my good side. When I started spotting they did an ultrasound and said the baby had a heart beat and that that was fine. Well I asked about seeing about growth and how fast the heart rate was. They told me it didn't matter, all that mattered was the baby had a heart beat and that's it! And when I started bleeding and went to their ER the ob/gyn there told me I wouldn't see the baby pass. Lying sack of crap. They also told me they don't believe in progesterone level testing and don't believe it's important.

Any way, enough flashbacks to the past. I talked to Dr. Q and we discussed if I was her patient. She agrees with how low my progesterone is (around a 9 on fertility medicines) that it wouldn't hurt to be on progesterone. And she believes it could cause miscarriages having low progesterone. She said she would do ultrasounds weekly if that's what it took for me to be comforted. And HCG beta draws as well. She sounds like she'd take a step further to make sure everything is fine with the pregnancy, which is good. I might consider going to Tricare Standard the next time I find out I'm pregnant, even if I'm at a risk for a miscarriage. We'll see what happens.

If I'm not pregnant this round.. well, we'll see what's next. Hopefully Dr. Q will call me this week to tell me if we should go this route.. or what's next. I've got my fingers crossed.

I think we're done...

2010-11-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

Well, this has been a whirlwind of two weeks for me. I started getting way too emotional the beginning of this cycle and it seemed to just escalate with clomid in the mix. I know it's not all the fertility medicines fault, but my emotions hit me all at once. I was told after 3 days of clomid to stop it because I was feeling anxiety, panic attacks and depression pretty hard. I hate to say it, but if my hormones started getting this out of whack with clomid I'd hate to see what would happen with IUI or IVF. I've seen people's hormones get completely screwed up with their protocol and it worries me how I'd react. Husband and I haven't discussed it, but I think we may be calling it all off. Not TTC naturally, but calling off fertility medicines in general. I don't know what is next when you cannot handle the medicine's side effects.

I'm starting therapy, which will be good for me in general. There's more issues I'm having then just infertility and miscarriages (I'm kind of going through a mid-life crisis a tad earlier on my part) so it'll be nice to get help. Although I'm not sure if my counselor is someone I'll stick with. I'll give her a chance and see how it goes since I've only had one session with her which was just a get to know each other thing. I just don't know if she'll be able to offer me the support and help I need.

Otherwise not much to report. My BBT is screwed up - has been higher then normal temperatures. Sadly between my emotions, my mother asking if I was pregnant, and my higher then normal pre-o temps I decided to test. Well, duh, BFN. What did I expect? LOL. I wish I could figure it all out. I guess it's good I have an appointment to talk to my ob/gyn (I think I concerned the nurse which is why she scheduled an appointment) on the 12th but I honestly don't know what to expect the conversation will be like.

I want to say I'm sorry to all the bloggers I usually follow. I do keep up reading everyone's updates, I've just been more of a lurker and haven't commented on anyone's blog lately. Sorry! Promise I do care, even though I don't comment.

Struggling with my weight

2010-10-26T10:40:00.000-07:00

We will be doing another clomid cycle this round and have said after 3 cycles we'd re-discuss whether or not we think another 3 cycles of clomid would do any good or to move onto the next subject - IUI. I honestly think this will be the last cycle of clomid. Honestly it hasn't done us much good in the past - we only got pregnant once with it. For a break down we got pregnant after 4 months of clomid, miscarried, got pregnant 4 months later naturally and delivered our wonderful son, got pregnant naturally in September 2009 and pregnant naturally April 2010. So I'm thinking if it doesn't work this cycle, we need to try something else.

However this post really isn't about that.. it's about my weight. I'm really struggling with it. I'll be honest, I weigh in at 240 pounds. This past year I cannot seem to get my weight down. Granted I haven't gave it my all, which is what I *need* to do because of my insulin resistance and PCOS. I feel like they're fighting my weight efforts sometimes! However I am to the point I know I need to lose it. I'm sick of my weight, I feel unhealthy, and I worry often how my weight is playing in my health. What is the point of trying to get pregnant if I might have complications DUE to them?

Whew, almost thought I lost all my typing since I opened up another website on this tab! Whoops. Anyway, I really know I need to lose it. I just don't know how to start. My weight history has it's ups and downs, mostly ups. I've been heavy since I was a child, although I held it really well back then. I never looked like I was 180 when I was 17. Then I got married and ballooned up. When I miscarried in 2005 I was 220, down from being a high of 267 pounds. It took 1 1/2 years to accomplish that much... and let's face it, I wasn't loyal. So I lost 25ish pounds in 4 months then got pregnant with my son. I couldn't imagine dealing with pregnancy at my highest weight and honestly I'm not too far off of being that again.

So I need to figure out what will work for me. I used to be so loyal working out at home, but it gets old. I miss going to the gym and having a personal trainer like I did back when we lived on base in Georgia. I think I'll just have to push myself to do it at home again - I don't think it's worth driving 10 miles to get to the gym on base. Well, maybe it is... but that will probably come in the future. I have the means to exercise at home, so I should.

Hopefully I can figure a combination of eating and exercising that will help me lose quicker then it took last time. Perhaps I need to check out weight watchers online again?

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is smile

2010-10-24T08:18:00.000-07:00

Yesterday me and DH were butting heads pretty hard. It all started because I got a phone call from my friend M and she said she invited 10 other couples last week, but forgot to invite us to her Halloween Party.. the day of!! She said it was a costume party but we had an excuse not to and that we could bring candy. So all day I felt insulted by it. The only ones forgotten, thanks! I don't care if you're 26 weeks pregnant or not, you don't forget friends! I know I wouldn't. But that made us butt heads all day because I was taking it personal (every lady I talked to said they would too) and he wasn't taking it personal. So whatever.

We went to Party City... spend an HOUR there to find us costumes. In the end we spent $65 on candy and "costumes" (a vampire cape, a devil cape, some earrings, one of those pitchforks devils have, and some vampire teeth). We would've gone as something more but I found out quickly plus size to companies is 175-200 pounds. What an insult yet again! So we butted heads on that as well.

Of course she had every one there decide to had the best couple costumes and individual costume. You can imagine it wasn't us! We did enjoy ourselves otherwise, so it was good. And our son did have a blast hanging out with their twin 5 year olds. He always loves hanging out with them and doesn't get to often.

Today I woke up, took my temperature... it's plummeted. Along with that and the spotting I've been having I know I'm out and waiting for AF (Aunt Flo) to show. She's always an unwelcome visitor in my house. I know she'll make her grand entrance later today. This sucks.

Bummed out...

2010-10-23T09:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday night I had another dream, this time it wasn't as pleasant of a dream. I remember being in the ob/gyn's office pregnant this time. I had the nurse or someone come in and tell me that I'm miscarrying. I started screaming and yelling about how unfair this was and went off on it all. I remember seeing the looks of other pregnant ladies and was told to leave because I was upsetting the other pregnant ladies, but I didn't care. I woke up... my temperature is still high. Took a pregnancy test. BFN. 13 dpo and a BFN! This cycle sucks. I can officially say I'm out. I know there's no way I'll be seeing a BFP this cycle, unless it's a miracle. AF is due tomorrow.

I'm just bummed. I hate trying and trying to see BFN's every cycle!! I hate comparing my charts because I see my two charts where I was pregnant and then am reminded I've miscarried twice. I should have a 5 month old or be 30 weeks pregnant! Why the hell is that fair that I don't get to keep my pregnancies but those who got pregnant near me are blessed and never have had to worry about it? Why is it fair! I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on anyone, but why? What did I do to deserve not having a 5 month old? Right now I'd be cheering them on while they try to crawl and sit up. Instead I'm expecting my period tomorrow.

I'm in a foul mood. Hopefully I'll get over it soon... but I'm just so frustrated with TTC and everything. It sucks to see every one else around me get pregnant, but I'm on the sidelines. I cannot even muster a congratulations lately.

I hate this feeling...

2010-10-22T08:44:00.000-07:00

When I woke up this morning I felt hopeful. I woke up from a dream which I saw a BFP pregnancy test, then it all seemed to flash before my eyes. I don't remember much but I think I was given a glimpse of pregnancy and everything else. That's how quickly it went, but the part that really stuck out was the BFP.

I was hoping this morning it was a good sign when I took a pregnancy test. BFN. Figures. I'm now mad at my dreams and feeling let down. I know 12 dpo is still early, I know my temps aren't going down yet which is a good sign. But still I have this fear in 2-3 days I'll be greeting AF again.

I really don't get it. Why have I been feeling nauseous? I don't normally feel like I really wish I could puke unless I'm pregnant. Why would I feel so hot all the time, no matter the temperature? Why would I feel like this for nothing? I feel like the world is against me. All I'm asking is for a sibling for my son, is that so hard to ask for? I know they say things happen for a reason, but why infertility? Why can someone who doesn't deserve to be pregnant have kids? Why do couples who totally deserve them cannot have them? This universe is backwards.

Done venting.. for now. Just wait until AF hits. LOL.

I'm a bitch

2010-10-21T08:41:00.000-07:00

I don't want to come off wrong, but I'm annoyed that my friend wants to adopt a girl in the future. Now before you throw rocks, hear me out. I've known my friend since high school. She's a semi-nice gal, who personally I think met the wrong man. When she was younger and dating him she got pregnant. He wanted an abortion and she agreed so they went through with it. Shortly after she married him! And they got pregnant AGAIN! This time I guess it was more convenient to keep the baby, even though it wasn't that much difference in time! So now they have two boys...

Well, her husband she complains about ALL the time! Her husband doesn't spend much time with the boys, the boys act out, she complains about the boys and said before she wonders why she ever had them, she complains that her husband will come home and take naps all the time, go into his room and just play computer games all night. HELLO!! WTF?! So about two weeks ago she talked to me about divorcing him. I said it sounds like it would help out, because let's face it he's a horrible father. She also once complained to me about finances, less then a week later her husband had bought a yellow corvette that is a transformers car? I don't get it, but was amazed she could go from complaining about struggling to him getting that. Whatever.

Well they came to talking over things and now are such a "good family" and all, now she's saying they want to now adopt a girl! This is the gal who told me when I said I had a miscarriage "I can't have any more children due to my disease". Wow, thanks for NOT acknowledging I miscarried and trying to make it a "poor you" situation. I also talked of our struggles and she was like "Oh, he can get me pregnant just by looking at me".

So perhaps, yes, I'm a bitch... but she's always complaining about everything. No less she can say everything she's said to me, still want to be married to this dickhead, and want to put another child into that situation?

Not feeling so hot...

2010-10-20T11:44:00.000-07:00

Or rather, I'm feeling *too* hot. The last few days have been interesting - I've been having a lot more heartburn, I feel nauseous all day, and I'm in a constant state of hot. I feel like my internal thermostat is set too high and I'm flushed feeling. I'm not sick either... no fever. So I don't know what is going on or what to think.

I totally feel like crap!! I'm 10 dpo so I cannot determine if I'm having pregnancy symptoms or not. I usually don't feel this way unless I am pregnant, but I'm not trying to get my hopes up too high. I'm praying that I am (who TTC doesn't?) because if I'm not pregnant then I sure as hell am a little sick. Hopefully I feel better soon. Only reason I'd totally not mind feeling this way is if I was. That at least is worth the ill feelings!!

Enough whining. I'll shut up. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Isn't that low?

2010-10-19T15:40:00.000-07:00

Got my progesterone results in, it was 9.45 ng/ml. But isn't that low? Every where I've looked it says "A progesterone test is done to confirm ovulation. When a follicle releases its egg, it becomes what is called a corpus luteum and produces progesterone. A level over 5 probably indicates some form of ovulation, but most doctors want to see a level over 10 on a natural cycle, and a level over 15 on a medicated cycle."

I'm on 100mg of clomid and so it should be higher going off all the websites. I asked her what it means if I get/found out I'm pregnant and she said I should be going on progesterone supplements. So I don't know. I don't know if I should be confident in this # or not. I had an 18 ng/ml progesterone level a few months back when I wasn't on clomid, so will a lower once have more issues? I wish I had the answer.

Perhaps I should consider going to the RE earlier?

8 dpo and fears

2010-10-18T09:42:00.000-07:00

Well it's 8dpo, my temperature is actually looking really good and going up every day. I know a triphastic can mean jack since I've had it happen one cycle where I wasn't pregnant, and one cycle where I was pregnant. However it's not that I'm paying attention to, although I admit it is trying to get my spirits up... it's the fact my body is starting to behave itself. Usually by this point my temps start going nuts and going down and up a ton. It never usually sticks to just going upward... so it's great. I'm hoping that means when I get my progesterone blood work done today it shows a better number then last time.

I'm kind of scared about what's next. We've been trying to conceive our second child for 3 1/2 years now and we're still on clomid (I was on it last year for two cycles, and this is our second cycle this round). I've seen people who have tried conceiving 1 year go to the next phase... and I always wonder why I haven't taken that leap. Perhaps I'm afraid we'll put more money into it... and still come out empty handed. One of the things is I feel like if I don't lose weight then perhaps IUI or IVF wouldn't work the way it is supposed to. If we don't get pregnant this cycle we'll have one more clomid cycle before we re-evaluate if we should bother doing clomid for three months more or not. It's all a whirlwind of nerves and emotions. I guess when we dream of families we never dream of how long it will take. Hopefully I'll figure it all out soon... one more cycle to go before we reconsider the next phase. It's coming up quickly.

Changed the blog look

2010-10-16T19:14:00.000-07:00

Well for now, until I decide to pay for my blog being edited, I found myself a free blog template!! Where? Lellou Blogs has some great free templates (with some terms of use you should check out if you decide to snag one), a handful of pre-made templates you can buy, and also takes orders for custom blog designs. She does fabulous stuff (and no, I'm not being paid a dime!)

So I like it for the time being. Perhaps one day I'll buy a design that fits me better - but for now this works :)

Remembering the losses

2010-10-15T12:09:00.000-07:00

Today is October 15th, which happens to be pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I decided to write my full story here, which I also posted on Facesofloss.com and am copying that for every one to see my story.

Krystal
Miscarried February 2005 at 6 weeks
September 21st, 2009 at 6 weeks 2 days
and May 22nd, 2010 at 8 weeks 3 days

I've wanted a family basically since I was younger, like most women do. It starts with meeting a boy, then falling in love, getting married, and then dreaming of how big your family will be. We married December 2001 and talked about how many children we most likely would have. I said 2-3, he said 3-5... so we decided 3 was a good number. Life has had different plans.

I've been diagnosed with many things down the road on this journey. I've been diagnosed vitamin d deficient, insulin resistant and having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I was first diagnosed with PCOS because I went off birth control when we started our TTC journey and didn't have a period for over 9 months. I had signs of PCOS (dark skin in the groin area, facial hair, infertility, absent period) and it was later confirmed years down the road via ultrasound.

I had my first miscarriage February 2005. We had been trying 2 years to get pregnant so we were excited when it finally happened. I'd say back then I was ignorant, like most people are before they experience a loss. When I got the positive result I got a pregnancy test confirmed by my doctor a few days later, set up an ob/gyn appointment for a week or so later and was thrilled. I started cramping and bleeding about a week before my appointment, but it was a weekend so I had to wait to call. I called the doctor that Monday and was told since I was a new patient I would have to wait until my appointment to see what was going. I was so frustrated. When my appointment finally came around they did a urine test and told me it was negative. I was in denial. Since I'd drank a lot of water prior to the appointment I demanded a blood test.. negative as well. We were crushed. My whole world went tumbling down that day.

Eventually things did get brighter, and we were blessed with one who spent a couple days in the NICU due to breathing issues. In April 2007 we had decided to start trying to conceive again and build our family more. We found out quickly it wouldn't be easy again. We found out I was pregnant after charting 3 months and already 2 1/2 years of trying to conceive. September 21st, 2009 (4 days before my birthday) at 6w2d I started bleeding. We went to the emergency room and was told my HCG was falling and there was no baby on the ultrasound. It was devastating.

We started trying to conceive again 2 1/2 months after the miscarriage although my basal body temperature was wacky and my cycle weren't the same. In April we found out we were expecting again. As you can imagine we were over the moon. By this time I was told I'd have earlier ultrasounds to check development and also be given more beta draws. The HCG draws weren't doubling normally, but the doctor wasn't concerned. I was, I was petrified. We kept having betas drawn and they would always go up, but never double in time. Still they didn't worry. At my 6w1d ultrasound (I charted and knew where I was in my pregnancy) there was only a gestational sac with a fetal pole that was around 5w4d in measurement. My HCG was only 3586 mIU/mL! I was so nervous, they still weren't. They decided to do another ultrasound a week later. I was 7w1d. This time they found a baby measuring 6w1d in there with a heartbeat, my HCG was only 4134 mIU/ML that same afternoon. Not even doubling in a week! 7w4d I started spotting and was concerned so I called the doctor. They had me come in the day after (8w even) and gave a quick ultrasound showing the baby's heart was still beating away. They didn't take measurements or check to see how the heart rate was, which concerned me. That's the last time I saw such a beautiful flicker. 8w3d, May 22nd 2010 I started bleeding heavily. I went to the ER and was told my sweet baby's heart stopped.

I still haven't recuperated from the losses. Life has been harder since people around me keep having pregnancy announcements and being due when I should have been. I'm happy for them, but wondering what I did wrong. Not many people around me acknowledge I've lost three babies, which makes life harder. I wish people would sometimes tell me, "I'm there for you when you need me, if you need me" sometimes. Just remember there are people out there going through the same thing as you and they wish they could wrap their arm around you and tell you how strong you are, no matter if you feel like you are or not.

Show & Tell - My Cats

2010-10-14T09:35:00.000-07:00

I figured I'd do a show & tell this week!! Today I'm going to introduce my 3 cats.

This is Jasmine. When we lived in South Carolina, in the beginning of 2004, our neighbors had a cat run into their house and was VERY pregnant. This was her. I talked them into letting me have her and they accepted. No one claimed her as their own and in Navy it's typical on base for owners to leave their animals behind, unfortunately. She loves being outside, but we don't let her go out and when we do we make sure she doesn't go any where we don't want her to. She's not as playful as she used to be, we don't know her age but we believe she's 10 years. She loves sunbathing and being a lap kitty most of the day. She's a sweet one. She has claimed my husband as hers most of the day.

This is Boots. He's actually Jasmine's baby boy. He was born March 29, 2004 but still acts like our baby! He used to actually fetch toys, but has wised up since then. He isn't as active as normal, but does love chasing Jasmine every-so-often and loves snuggling with her. He loves when we sleep so he can get between us and go under the covers. He LOVES sunbathing. He's pretty much a Garfield lately. As you can see in the picture, he loves begging for things - like treats. He's a snuggler and we love that.

This is Luna, she is our newest member. My SIL's grandmother had three kittens dropped off at her doorstep and my SIL didn't want animal control called to take them away so she gave them all homes. I told her I'd take one and pay for her drive down so last Friday, the 8th, her and her family came to visit for a short while and gave me Luna! Luna is a character. She loves attacking everything. She doesn't stop for nothing, but doesn't mind us grabbing her and petting her for a short while. She's adventurous and loves discovering new things to play with. She's a lovely kitten and fits in perfectly. Our two others are still adjusting to her, but they do play with her every-so-often. I believe my niece named her Luna, but I really think it is short for Lunatic. LMAO.

I'm sure it wasn't that amusing reading about my cats. They're my babies, though and I love them.

And we're off.. again

2010-10-12T09:37:00.000-07:00

Today should be 2 dpo, which is good. Seems on clomid my body consistently likes to ovulate CD 19, which is an improvement from what normally happens. I do like the consistency of knowing when it will happen versus waiting and waiting. It's likely that in a few cycles we'll be off the clomid and back to in consistence again which blows. I have a fear we'll be doing the next step soon - IUI. It's not a bad thing, I'm just nervous. It's an hour drive away and with the Navy I don't see it working out as planned. I'm just nervous to stick my all into it (wait, I've already been doing that) and coming up empty handed.

Let's face it.. I know I need to lose weight. I look at pictures people take of me and I see it - what I never wanted to be. I don't like the weight I'm at... and with PCOS and IR reeking havoc I know the extra weight isn't good on my body and reproductive organs. Today I need to find my way... start working on what will work for me. I'll probably have to do what I did that eventually led to me getting pregnant with my son, which is getting to that 200-even mark. That's around 40 pounds to go. I always question how did I get to this point and am determined to say goodbye to the weight. I lost the weight slowly before, with cleaner eating and exercising to Slim in 6. I'll be doing it similar, but this time I have more videos to work out to. I'm hoping I can lose weight better then last time, but I know it'll take being more strict. Getting off the sugar foods, watching portions, more lean meats, fruits and vegetables. I'll probably take before and after shots like I did last time. Last time this was my results:

In those 5 months I lost roughly 25-30 pounds. I know I wasn't trying as hard as I could have either. The April picture was less then a month before I found out I was pregnant, at 197 pounds. I know at that point I was still hefty, but my body sorted itself out. I want to get there again and know I can if I concentrate on it. So I have to learn to balance my time and focus on foods that are better for me.

In other news... SIL and her family came to visit this past weekend. It was nice having them over :) They came with Luna, who has been "adopted" into our family. She's frisky, crazy and never stops going (unless she's sleeping). Welcome to our family, Luna.

In a funk

2010-09-30T13:00:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in some time. I'm just not feeling it lately, I'm in a funk. It's been 3 years 5 months since we tossed out the birth control... and all I have to show for it is being heavier and adding two more miscarriages under my belt. It's just putting me in a funk. People are having gender reveals and I'm wishing I could be there. How does one graduate from trying to conceive? How long will it take?

I guess I'm worried what this cycle will bring. I was so hopeful last cycle, why I don't know, to be knocked down on my a$$ and reminded it doesn't always work like that. Why can't I be a teenager going to the prom, having sex once and getting knocked up? How is it so easy for them, but not for us? I don't understand life.

I don't get how friend's who say they're there for you never talk to you any more. Why write to me such a considerate note about wanting to be there and asking if I need any thing to help me heal, yet not ever talk to me? I don't understand why there's loss. I don't get it. I don't understand why there cannot just be happiness in life sometimes.

Anyway, it's CD 9. Today is my last day of clomid, which is good. It should be around 10 more days until I actually ovulate. My DH still has knee issues, still working on getting his strength back so I'm curious if we'll be wasting another cycle without him being able to do missionary. The only position he can do it me on top or spooning.. and well, neither of those keeps the little guys in. It's frustrating. We're planning on re-evaluating what we should do if the next cycle doesn't work.. and I'm afraid. I know what's next and I don't think I'm ready. It's been 3 1/2 years, how can I not be ready to face the facts?

I wish there was a way to take a TTC break without really doing it. I need to unwind. I need to stop thinking about what happens next and focus on the now. I wish I could get out of this little funk. I know I need to lose weight too, and I always question if my weight loss would help us out... but I don't know where to start. I've lost weight before, I kept motivated... and I'm struggling to find my way again. I need to lose weight... for future pregnancies and my health. But how? I hate being so strict.

I need a vacation. Thanks for listening to the rambling of a frustrated lady.

Mourning an anniversary

2010-09-21T09:00:00.000-07:00

It hurts me so much today to be mourning the year anniversary since I started bleeding when I was 6w2d pregnant. After an ER visit I was told there wasn't a baby in my uterus and my HCG was diving rather quickly. To be so on top of the world and taken down so quickly hurt so much. I don't think I've healed yet.. in fact, I KNOW I haven't. I cried and cried yesterday. I lost my baby 4 days before my birthday. My child was due May 17th, the day of my husband's and my first date. It's kind of killed too special occasions in one swift strike. I don't think it helps my SIL announced a month later she was due three weeks before I should have been. She's my reminder I should have a four month old.

Tomorrow will make 4 months since my last miscarriage. The 21st and 22nd are not joyous days, as you can tell. I was 8w3d and had been spotting on and off for a week, but the ultrasound they did three days prior showed a heartbeat (although they didn't check to see the babies growth or heart rate) and told me not to worry. I knew better. I knew what to expect, or thought I was prepared. So when the 22nd came and I started bleeding heavily we went to the ER for the worst news, the little heart stopped beating. Now the jerks we know as military doctors told me I wouldn't see the baby pass. What idiots they are and I knew they were. A little less then a week later my husband and I were fooling around and as you can imagine our shock when the sac with the tiny tiny (like a lima bean size) baby came out. Talk about traumatic. We buried the little one under a rhododendron we decided to plant in memorial... appropriate as we now fight to keep the rhododendron alive. Guess some things don't live forever. And now I have my second reminder - the day I miscarried my friend found out she was due 4 weeks after I should have been. And that pregnancy was due December 29th, our wedding anniversary. Another joyous occasion that hurts now to think of celebrating instead of mourning.

Honestly I can never imagine how people change once you've had a miscarriage. My friend that's pregnant pretty much avoids me... she wrote me a considerate E-mail once about wishing there was something she could do to help but at the same time has she talked to me once since then (aside from me catching her passing by at Wally World)?

I keep questioning what did I do? Why was I the one that deserved to miscarry while someone gets to have a child? Am I that bad of a person? Does my son not deserve a sibling or is destined to be an only child the rest of his life? What connection will he have when we have another child, seeing as he'll be at least 5 1/2 or older assuming we conceive a child in the next few months? How much will I have to do to get pregnant? Will clomid work or is it a waste of the next 5 cycles? Will we need to make the 1 hour drive one way to see a RE for IUI or IVF? I wish I knew all the answers. DH asked me what I want to do today... and all I feel like is crying.

My temperature dived to cover-line today, 13 dpo. I'll be getting AF later tonight or tomorrow.

11 dpo...

2010-09-19T19:02:00.000-07:00

And I do admit I am a POAS-aholic. I love peeing on things... well, tests in specific. I guess I was hoping I'd see a definite answer. When I was pregnant in September I got a positive 11 dpo and when I was pregnant in April I got a positive 10 dpo. So I tested.. and tested. Now I swear I see something, but that happens almost *every* cycle. I personally think it's the tests!! Probably a scheme to make you want to buy more. Or perhaps it's an addiction. Perhaps POAS is my nicotine. Is there a patch for that?

Anyway, I love showing off squinters for fun. They're like magic eye pictures - you stare long enough until you swear you see something. So here's my current magic eye:

I swear I see something, but that's my "gift" being able to see things that aren't always there. LOL.

Anyway it's been hectic with Aldon's knee out of commission due to him having knee surgery. I have to do a lot more to help out but thankfully he's slowly being able to help more (just nothing involving walking since he cannot yet). It's been a challenge, but we're dealing.

My awesome SIL (the one I really like) has some kittens she's trying to find good homes to and I said I'd take one. She lives about 7 hours away so I told her if she wants to I'd pay for her gas and set her and her kiddos up in the guest room. So she accepted! In a few weeks I'll be getting a kitten. I already have two cats and so I am hoping she'll love it here and that the cats will learn to love her.

Here's my Luna:

I can't wait to meet her and spoil her!! I love Siamese a lot, so she's already very loved. The thought of having her in a few weeks has been keeping me hopeful and semi-optimistic about this cycle. At least in the end I'll have Luna :)

1 dpo

2010-09-09T12:35:00.000-07:00

Well today's temperature confirmed I have ovulated!! Unfortunately I didn't have EWCM, thanks to the Clomid drying me out. I had two days where most people would say it was EWCM, but I know better. It turned creamy when I rubbed it around in my fingers, so that will be marked as such. The clomid did help me ovulate a little earlier. Typically I ovulate CD 23-26, and this time I ovulated CD 19 so I'm happy! At least now if I get my period it'd be more like a 35 day cycle which is better then 40+.

My breasts are tender.. and that's a definite sign I ovulated. I tend to be weird like that since I started becoming more "regular" on my period. I don't appreciate the sensitivity, however it is becoming a good sign to know if I have ovulated or not.

And with my husband's knee killing him lately it was a challenge to BD. He suffered through sex twice (once with me on top and once spooning), but when he wound up put in a lovely piece of knee hardware we talked about using a turkey baster. We wanted to give this cycle a fair chance, so we did wind up doing it that way. That was the day before O so hopefully this cycle won't be a total bust. I'm glad to be in the 2ww, but someone please take away my pregnancy tests! I love to test early.. and well, I don't hold any promises that I'll hold out...

A year ago tomorrow... and my plan

2010-09-01T12:29:00.000-07:00

A year ago tomorrow was such a joyous occasion. That was the day I got this:

It doesn't look like much, especially since it was a blue dye and never trusted them, but this brought such joy and worry to me. The next day confirmed my pregnancy... and we were ecstatic. How does one go from so excited to being crushed a couple weeks later? It's hard for me to imagine ever being pregnant again without devastation following. It's hard for me to imagine ever having a pregnant belly... making another nursery.. or buying baby clothes all over again.

I've been thinking about it and decided maybe we need to do certain things before pregnancy can possibly follow. Like finish certain things in the house that have been hounding me - like cleaning out the guest room which will eventually be the nursery. Just getting rid of the clutter and junk so it's less stressful when the time comes. Maybe we just need to be a bit more prepared next time... and have less things to stress about when it does happen. Who knows.

I also have been determined to become healthier. I know I need to lose weight and after reading an article on how overweight women are treated with doctors it frustrated me. Then there was a part of it about IVF and overweight women and how most doctors won't perform it unless you're under a certain BMI. I don't even know if I am, but it makes me realize if we TTC and a year down the road when we're starting IVF if I'm the same weight I am today I might not be allowed to do IVF.

A fertility website discussed the issue:

"Another issue related to body weight and IVF is safety for the patient at the egg retrieval. As can be seen in the ultrasound images below, when a woman is significantly overweight, the ovaries are usually pushed up "high" - away from the top of the vagina by the extra fatty tissue that is in the pelvis. At the time of IVF, the needle is pushed in vaginally to reach the eggs in the ovaries. If the ovaries are too high, we can not safely get the needle into the follicles to get the eggs out.

Another problem is that the ultrasound images become very "fuzzy" from the extra tissue between the probe and the ovary. Therefore, it is often difficult to clearly visualize the ovaries and the egg-containing follicles. This is shown below - the ovary in the image on the right is very fuzzy and indistinct. This makes it difficult to properly measure the follicles in the ovaries, and can also make it hard to be sure where the needle tip is located at all times during the egg retrieval procedure (a potential safety issue)."

So I wrote a list of foods I need to eat more of. Obviously it's a common sense list... but things I've lacked on. I'll still make meals, but I think I'll plan it so I can have one meal but leftovers will be for my son and my husband's leftovers. That way I can enjoy them once, but don't feel guilty when I don't eat them the next day. This will be a hard journey, but I want to do it not only for my fertility, but for my life.

Another heart breaking moment... my son is growing up so fast! He wants a big boy room instead of the nursery he has. He's 4.5 so it's time for us to move on and paint his room... but it hurts me so bad when I wonder if I'm ever going to get to do another nursery. Here is his nursery (wasn't 100% done in the pictures, but it's the best I had at the time), possibly painted in a month or two:

Goodbye, baby and hello boyhood. Man, where does the time fly?

Day 12- thing you are OCD about

2010-09-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

Hmm this one is hard. I'm a little weird when it comes to things. I love organization, but am hardly organized. I love clean, but my house is never picture perfect. The one thing that bothers me is this - my husband putting dirty dishes on the counter. There's a freakin' sink, use it!! He does it especially after I just cleaned the counter up which irritates me the most. I don't care if the sink has dirty dishes in it, put it with them!!!! The funny thing is it doesn't bother me when *I* do it, but if he does it I want to start a war. Haha.

How do you respond...

2010-08-31T11:03:00.001-07:00

How do you respond when you get a sincere message from your friend, who has two 5 year old twins (not from medical means) and is now 20 weeks pregnant (spent 1+ year TTC)? I got a message from my friend today, she's a great lady and wound up finding out she was pregnant right as I was miscarrying. I knew she was pregnant when she said she was late but didn't want to test. I'm not sure if it's because life just seems to be that cruel to me or what... but she deserves to have children (just like every one else in IF world). She spotted us at Lowes last night after she just had her ultrasound appointment to find out the gender. She's a very great lady... this is what she wrote:

"Hey there,
I'm not really sure what to say. But I hope I didn't make you too sad yesterday when we ran into you at Lowes.
I'm not really sure what to do. I've really enjoyed becoming friends with your family an hanging out. But I worry. I don't know what to do about the baby. I don't want to make you sad. But the baby is coming and 5 months from now, it will always be around. I don't know what to do to make it easier for you.
I remember once just before I got pregnant I went to a play. It was about 5 sisters. Most of it was about the sisters when they were older after their mom had died. But at the beginning they had 5 little girls playing following-the-leader while the narrator set up the story. And I started to bawl. I wanted that so bad. I wanted K & E to have siblings. I'm so close to my sisters, and my mom is really close to her sisters. And I wanted K & E to have that too. I wanted them to grow up with lots of kids running around.
And I was thinking about you last night and I realized that that's how you feel all the time. You want more kids soo bad.
But like I said. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help you as a friend. And I certainly don't want to depress you every time I invite you over. But I can't exactly make our baby situation disappear either. So I don't know.
I just wanted you to know that I do care and I wish there was something I could do.
I do believe that there is a reason for everything. And that God doesn't just forget about us for a while. I believe God knows you. And I believe he is very aware of how sad you are. But just like when we take our kids to get a shot. Our kids think we are the meanest parents in the world and why on earth would we let someone do that to them. But we understand things that 2 and 3 yr olds just don't. And I believe it is the same way with God. He understands things and sees things that we just don't. But it doesn't make the shot hurt any less. It still hurts like crazy and we still cry. And we have to find a way to deal with the pain.
I know that all my babbling isn't going to make everything all better. But I just basically wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. Wishing I could make things all better. Let me know if there is anything I could do to make it easier on you."

How do you respond? How do you make sure to maintain your friendship with someone who worries how you're hurting? Yes, I'm hurting. Yes, I cry wondering why I had to miscarry and someone else was blessed with the joys of pregnancy. Yes, I worry my son will never be blessed with siblings. Her twins always had each other for five years and now there is another one on the way. My son has only has himself. I hurt thinking that's how his life will be. Not jabbing at any one who has done that, but I always wanted a bigger family. I just don't know how to respond to her message. I want to keep our friendship and know that in 20 weeks she'll have a baby so no matter what there will be close reminders of my loss. I suck it up... I deal with it. But how do I write it down that I'll be just fine?

Day 11- a recent photo of you

2010-08-31T09:51:00.000-07:00

Hmm... do I have to? LOL I honestly don't like the way I look nor feel lately. Let's see...

This was taken a few months ago. I really need to work on getting myself healthier. I miss the "old" me even though I was never thin. My goal: to find the fit me amongst this infertility mess.

Day 10- pic taken10+ yrs ago of you

2010-08-30T09:36:00.000-07:00

Hmm this one might be harder to find... let me see...

Hmm think that was tenth grade? I honestly don't remember, but I was definitely younger!

Too bad it didn't ask for one almost 10 years ago, since Aldon and I met a while ago I have more of me when I was 17 years old then I do when I was younger!! 9 years ago this was how I looked:

Sorry the photos are so small!! Back then we didn't have digital cameras ;)

Day 9- a photo you took

2010-08-29T09:25:00.000-07:00

I have a ton, but I'll post the one I just took recently in Yellowstone. We visited family a little over a month ago for two weeks and went to Yellowstone on the way back home. This is one of the photos I took while we were there:

This was called the heart spring. It *kind* of looks like a heart, I guess! It's amusing hearing other people argue about what kind of body part it looks like. "It looks like a kidney!", "No more like a lung!" Hehe. Wish we had longer to spend there, the place is so huge we didn't see over 10% of it, if that!

Day 8- a photo that makes you sad

2010-08-28T10:42:00.000-07:00

Alright - story time! I used to date this guy when I was 14-16ish on and off who quite frankly was a pathological liar and have a few problems in his life. We weren't stable together, obviously, since he was a jerk. He wound up getting in trouble and had to go to a juvenile detention center when I was around 16 years old. So as you can see, I was glad to no longer be with him at that point in time.

Now we're fast forwarding it many many years - about 2 years ago he gets someone knocked up and marries them (who now are divorced). I am actually friend's with his mother on facebook, because she always was considerate even though she didn't like me dating her son. How does this have any thing to do with a photo that makes me angry/sad? Well, now the happy grandmother posts photos of his now 14 month old son.

This child is such a beautiful guy. And honestly I'm mad that he has this son that I don't feel like he should have. I don't know what the situation is now that he and the mother are divorced, but I know his mother says that the lady isn't the best mother. I know he hasn't changed his lies or ways either... and what kind of situation is that for a child? Shouldn't this child deserve a more stable family?

Obviously I can't post the pictures of his wonderful son, but it hurts to see those. It always makes me question why children get blessed into bad situations and those who try so hard to expand their family that are wonderful (and stable financially and emotionally) don't get blessed. Guess we'll never know!

Ever have something..

2010-08-27T20:49:00.000-07:00

Every have something that has been said or done that makes you laugh and no matter how much you can't stop thinking about it and laughing some more? Well, this is one of those times:

In other news, my HSG was great! Very uncomfortable, and yes a little crampy (that's what happens when they put a balloon in the uterus) but not as bad as I was thinking. Honestly some of my period cramps are worse! I'd never want to do it again for sure. The doctor said it was great - they were amazed how quickly it was over with because the dye went through my uterus and out of my fallopian tubes quickly! No scarring, no blockages, no holes, nothing abnormal.. just a clean healthy looking uterus! At least from what they see :) So all good! They'll still look through the shots closely but sounds like it's one less thing wrong with me. As much as I'd love to know why I'm having issues I'm glad nothing was wrong on this one.

Day 7- photo that makes me happy

2010-08-27T10:09:00.000-07:00

This one is a hard topic to me. I have so many photos that bring me happiness... most importantly the pictures of my son from birth to currently, but in respect to others I won't show those here. I love to be respectful of others and know when I suffered primary infertility it kind of stung seeing children and I don't want to hurt any one here. That's why I have two blogs - one for my family and one for my infertility. Although I do want to start bringing photography into this blog since I haven't yet and that's where I'll start today! So... a photo that makes me happy... well, you're in luck - you get TWO!!

Okay we'll start with the obvious question - why "breathtaking photography" as my watermark? I have yet to claim that as a business name, since I'm not making money off of my photography so you think I would watermark it with my name but I still LOVE "Breathtaking Photography" as a business name. Does that seem idiotic to do that? I really don't know if I should register my business name when I'm not making a dime from it! I know it would make sense to watermark my name, but I don't want my full name known! Any way... off track.. lol.

Alright, the next question? Where did I take these photos? The octopus was taken at a marine science center in Poulsbo, Washington! This octopus' name is Bob. Don't ask me why they named him that! But Bob loved (or perhaps hated) me taking a lot of photos of him so he was showing off for about 15 minutes!! I kept snapping so many pictures of him while he showed off and this one is the one I love most. Photography in general makes me smile.

The seagull was taken on a boardwalk in Poulsbo, Washington. I love watching seagulls drop clams down below to crack them open. It's so fun trying to get the perfect shot of this happening and crazy to hear how loud of a thump the clams make when they hit the rocks below. Seagulls are so smart!

I could post tons of photos, like I stated photography makes me smile!! I find satisfaction in getting close to things like bees to take a photo!! Don't worry, it was calm since it was getting colder and started to drizzle. I'm not completely insane! Photography is my therapy.

The results are in!

2010-08-26T10:56:00.000-07:00

The doctor's office finally called me back today. I guess they decide to wait until the Inhibin B test was back before telling me the results, since the Inhibin B test takes the longest. Honestly I wasn't expecting that result until later, I just wanted the FSH and Estradiol!!

So here's the three tests they did:

Test Performed	Level	Normal Levels
FSH	4.5 mIU/ml	3-20 mIU/ml
Estradiol	67 pg/ml	25-75 pg/ml
Inhibin B	65 pg/mL	Above 45 pg/mL

So going from those numbers, my FSH is actually considered excellent right now! Kind of odd. It's interesting how our bodies aren't always the same - because I've had high numbers, low numbers and every thing in between. The Estradiol # I was worried about since last time I got blood work it was 82 which could be a functional cyst or diminished reserve so you can imagine the nervousness about that!

But everything is good so far. Hopefully the CD 10 blood work for the FSH will show the #'s still good! So the fun part begins - the wait for me to ovulate which is always an exciting thing. I typically don't ovulate until CD 23-26 although last time I was on clomid I ovulated around CD 21 so we'll see. Means I got 15 days or so left but will be using OPK's soon to make sure I don't miss any opportunity. Hopefully the next two weeks go by quick, then onto the 2ww!!

Tomorrow is my HSG, wish me luck!! Less than 24 hours to go!

Day 6- 20 of your fave things

2010-08-26T07:41:00.000-07:00

Let's see... where should I start? I hope this can include some people as well!! I'm pretty sure it isn't supposed to, but too bad!! If you want to make it count add "talking to/spending time with" to the front of those! This is in no particular order, except for the first four spots.

1. My son
2. My husband
3. The rest of our family
4. My friends, especially including blogger friends!!
5. My cats
6. Listening to music
7. Going to farmer's markets (food & taking photos, always fun!)
8. Working in our raised beds
9. Photoshop - editing photos is kind of exciting!
10. My camera/photography
11. My computer
12. Going to the beach
13. Vacationing
14. Relaxing
15. Blogging
16. Sleeping in (doesn't happen often)
17. Watching movies or television box-sets
18. Snuggling
19. Reading, although I don't do it often
20. Crocheting (sometimes, I'm a little slow on it)

And we're off...

2010-08-25T09:58:00.000-07:00

I just took my first dose of doxycycline and clomid this morning. The doxycycline they're having me take 100 mg twice a day, two days before my HSG, the day of and the day after. The clomid I'm on 50mg twice a day from CD 5-9. I still haven't gotten my results back from the ob/gyn office about what my FSH and estradiol levels were from the 23rd, which I'm anxious about. Figures when you call for them they don't call back? I guess it hasn't been 24 hours since I left a message so I still have time to wait. I'm not that patient. LOL.

I'm a little nervous about the HSG, I really don't know what to "expect" on terms of pain. I got my Ibuprofen ready to take an hour before the procedure so hopefully that will help. My husband is getting off Friday morning to watch little man while I'm there, which will be good. I just hope it's not that bad since I plan to leave them at home since no one really wants to sit in an office that long.

We'll see how it goes. Hopefully I get over my jitters, since I know it needs to be done!

Day 5- your favorite quote

2010-08-25T09:39:00.000-07:00

I really like a couple quotes, most of them fit with life and with heart ache which is what I've been experiencing lately. One is "I never said it would be easy, only worth it" and one that I heard from the television show Scrubs from Bob Kelso, "Nothing in this world worth having comes easy".

Those two quotes are both right, nothing in this world worth having comes to us easily. I think the people who work hard to achieve want they want or have received appreciate it more then those who have it happen faster. At least that's how I'm looking at it as :)

Day 4- your favorite book

2010-08-24T08:36:00.000-07:00

This one is particularly hard to come up with an answer to because I never seem to have the time to read books. *Insert other excuses here* I know, lame to have excuses when it comes to certain things! If I have time to be on the computer, I have time to read. If I have time to watch a movie, I have time to read. This excuse also stops me from exercising! It stinks.

I don't have a favorite book. I will occasionally read them, but have yet to find a favorite. Why, you may ask? Because I usually only read self-help books. When I started having my funk last weekend due to getting my period and all the stuff I've put up with I pulled out some of my self-help books. The first one I started reading (and still am reading) is "What about the BIG stuff?" I really am enjoying the book. I decided to be evil and take a highlighter to the book for the stuff that fits my life and things I need to listen to. I figured it's the best way to pay attention to what it says by marking it up.

I'll add a few paragraphs from the book every so often. Here's the first chapter of "What about the BIG stuff?" called "Learn from the big stuff" which says on page 7:

"Why do we so often forget to enjoy the process of life while it's unfolding? Why are we so preoccupied with rushing through everything? ... Is there a way to slow down and enjoy the process? Is it possible that, if we were to do so, we wouldn't have the same regrets."

I think with fertility it always is a race, that's the issue. Ever notice those smug pregnant people who are always showing off and saying "oh it only took me getting off birth control to conceive" or "finally after three months we conceived"? It's hard not to look at every thing as a race. But when did sex become something to stop enjoying and do just to procreate? That's what infertility feels like sometimes.. just doing it because you want to catch the egg.

Hopefully I can lay back and enjoy this ride... I know we'll have more children. I don't know when, but I should just enjoy the process. I'll have to read more of this book.

Scheduled the appointments

2010-08-23T17:57:00.000-07:00

*Question for others on the bottom!!*

Well, we got the appointments scheduled for me! I had to go in for some CD 3 blood work today - that included estradiol, FSH, and Inhibin B test. I kept talking to the nurse a few times this morning asking questions so she had to get back to me a few times. I asked the nurse WHY the ob/gyn didn't want to do the other testing (like LH, prolactin, progesterone, TSH, DHEAS, Testosterone, or anything like that) and she told me she didn't know. Why I don't know since I asked her the first time to ask about adding tests to make sure we have everything! So already I'm frustrated. I *know* I'm not going to a professional who deals solely in IF like I need to, but the first step was this. It also sucks because when we talked at my IF appointment before I got pregnant we mentioned when I'm on clomid getting follicle ultrasounds. I asked the nurse about that and the ob/gyn said no to it because I'm not doing IVF. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but doesn't it make sense to see if clomid is doing any good? So I feel she's already failing on what I need, seeing as these are things we discussed, she said yes to, and now doesn't have them in her notes so going against what she said first!

I guess it worries me that we'll do clomid for 4-6 months, she won't do what should be getting done and when we go to the RE they'll tell us all that work was in vain and to try again on clomid. I really don't want any more wasted time, you know? We'll see how it goes. I don't like the thought of one hour drives each way to the RE, but eventually we'll be down that road. I just prefer to try this route first.

I have a couple questions for everyone!!

1. My HSG is in four days!! Did any one else have it and what did they think of it? And also, did any of your doctors tell you to stop metformin before then if you took it? I'm getting mixed signs on this. Everything I read says to stop it 48 hours prior and my OB/gyn says to stay on it.

2. Also, any one know more about the clomid challenge test (ccct)? I know it says if your FSH is elevated on CD 3 or CD 10 test that it's abnormal, or if you're estradiol level is above 80. This brings me to ask.. I had a estradiol level test done a month before my pregnancy and it was 82. What does this all mean? And is it true that if your results are abnormal you have less chance for pregnancy to occur? I'm so lost by it all.

Day 3 - your favorite TV program

2010-08-23T09:24:00.000-07:00

Out of the 8 years we've been married, we haven't had cable for that amount of time! Which of course means the only ways I get to see any television shows are if I want to buy the box-sets or watch it somewhere on vacation (like my mom's house). So as you can imagine I don't see many new television shows.

However if I went with the top one I'm interested in that is still on air it's PSYCH. Absolutely love it. I also love Scrubs, but haven't seen that for a few years either. I think there is one or two more box-sets for me to buy of that show! And my newest interested is Drop Dead Diva, but I've only see the first 2 episodes of it since my mom showed it to me the night before we had to start heading back to our home. I was disappointed, it looked kind of cute :)

Honestly, you should see my collection of television box-sets! And the sad thing is for my birthday next month or for Christmas I'll probably get more *fingers crossed*

I NEED to...

2010-08-22T22:27:00.000-07:00

I really need to get control of my weight. It sucks having PCOS and insulin resistance and I know my problems would be in control/easier if I lost weight. Why do I suffer motivation? Why can't I do what I did before and just DO IT? I have to do it.. I know my weight is the cause of our issues.. so why can't I just DEAL? Any one else feel that way? I say we get on the bandwagon, lace our shoes up, go for a walk, or work out on our dusty old treadmills (or in my case stationary bike) and do it.. not tomorrow, TODAY!! Well, okay tomorrow for me since it's 10:30 pm and I need to sleep.

I'm just frustrated at myself. I used to hold motivation, I used to do it no complaints but now I cannot just suck it up and try. I never was thin, but at least when I weighed less my body didn't tell me to screw off!

Day 2 - Your favorite movie

2010-08-22T07:11:00.000-07:00

This is just as bad as asking me my favorite song! I love movies - I'll watch them often. I love going to bed watching movies or television box-sets, they help me fall asleep faster (assuming I have watched them recently, otherwise I love trying to stay up late watching them over again).

I could tell you my favorite type of movies. I *love* romantic comedies. I'm not too keen on natural disaster, action, or blood & gore movies. Don't get me wrong, there's some very good movies out there I've watched with those subjects (and are in my movie cabinets) I just would never label one as my favorite.

I really do love a lot of movies. I used to watch "While you were sleeping" with Sandra Bullock all the time, so that's one of my top favorites. "Last Holiday", "Kate & Leopold" and "Knotting Hill" are also up there!

If you think there's a romantic or comedy movie out there you are surprised I don't love, it's probably because I haven't seen it yet!

Want to see some of our collection of movies?

And yes, sorry that photo sucked! Couldn't take a good one and the flash cut out some names, but you get the idea! We also have probably 30 on the floor that we want to watch again and decide if we want to donate them and about 40 disney/pixar/dreamworks dvds & vhs's as well :)

I do love movies.. haven't watched many lately.

Life's cruel joke...

2010-08-21T13:27:00.000-07:00

AF decided to show up a bit earlier then I assumed, which isn't bad but of course it makes the weekend bite a little. But that's not the cruelest joke played on me today... we go out to a farmer's market and sit down with our meal next to two couples, one has a three month old (which is what I would've had if I didn't miscarry #2) and one was pregnant and must have her gender ultrasound (where I would have been passed if I didn't have miscarriage #3) so they were going on chatting away with each other about everything pregnancy and baby wise . I wanted to cry. And then of course a very pregnant and ready to pop lady walked right by me, which of course when you're sitting down means a belly bump in your face.

It's great for them, but just a reminder of that I'm on my period instead of where they are. I hate periods, but they're a blessing in disguise. I just want to go without the discomfort of feeling cramps and, well, bleeding. I'd love to be in a pregnant ladies shoes - even if it meant the shoes were covered from puking too much.

Day 1 - Your Favorite Song

2010-08-21T07:32:00.000-07:00

This one is tough, because I never hold favorite when it comes to things like songs. I love a lot, but to chose one in specific is a challenge! I'm guessing it's like telling an artist to chose their favorite sketch or painting. They love all their work, but choosing one as their favorite can be a tad difficult.

If I had to chose one of the ones I'd say I would never get sick listening to and really love (definitely a top 10) it'd be Bryan Adams "Have you ever really loved a woman?" The whole song is so beautiful, well played, wonderful singer and it's romantic. Let's face it, I'm a romantic! My favorite lyrics in the song is "when you can see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman."

To put it best, almost all the songs on this youtube video "Worst Songs Medley" are songs I love (warning *a couple bad words are said*):

Welcome ICLW!!!!

2010-08-20T20:02:00.000-07:00

Welcome ICLW bloggers!!!

I didn't do this last month since I was out on vacation and knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with it as much as I would have loved to. I did do it the month before which my first time and I know I did fail miserably but I did find some new bloggers I love following and keeping an eye on!! Although I just wish they were having better luck on the TTC front as well. As much as it's good to have people around who know how you're feeling I'd appreciate if there was good news for every one!

I'll introduce myself.. my name is Krystal. I've been married to my husband for 8 years and we have one son together who is 4 1/2 years old. I talk about them a lot on my other blog. My husband is in the military, Navy, to be specific. We've been all over it seems. We both met and married in Idaho, then shortly after moved to South Carolina for 2 years, Georgia for another 2, and have been at our current location in Washington for 5 years and counting.

I love photography, which oddly enough I never put on this blog. I should change that! I'm a crafty person but lazy when it comes to crafts so I spend my time being artistic designing things with photoshop instead. I'm still a beginner, but have had fun opening up my own zazzle store A little bit of fun and Tshirts for a cause where I have a variety of t-shirts, hats, and other items using what I've done. I'm not successful in my attempts to be a work at home mother, but I try!

Oh, yeah.. and another thing... I suffer from miscarriages and infertility. I think that's a given! My history is pretty laid out on the IF History tab above my blog as well, but here is the overview: We tried 2 1/2 years and one miscarriage to conceive my son. We decided 14 months after he was born to bless him with a sibling. 3 1/2 years TTC and two miscarriages later is where we are today. My last miscarriage was May 22, so three months and I just had to take provera to induce a period since it wasn't happening on it's own. I've been diagnosed with pcos, insulin resistance, and vitamin d deficiency.

I want to welcome every one again! Thanks for visiting!

30 day blog journal...

2010-08-20T09:03:00.000-07:00

I've seen people doing something similar on other people's blogs, and I want my blog journal to be more then me bitching and whining about my miscarriages, infertility, and others getting pregnant so I'm vowing to do a 30 day blog where each day you'll learn something about me! Now some of these will be hard, since things like *favorites* I don't always have, so it'll probably be the top favorites or a choice from them! So, here's what every one will know about me soon by 30 days:

30 day blog journal...

Day 1-your favorite song
Day 2-your favorite movie
Day 3-your favorite television program
Day 4- your favorite book
Day 5-your favorite quote
Day 6- 20 of my favorite things
Day 7-a photo that makes you happy
Day 8-a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9-a photo you took
Day 10-a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11-a photo of you recently
Day 12-something you are OCD about
Day 13-a fictional book
Day 14-a non-fictional book
Day 15-your dream house
Day 16-a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17-an art piece (drawing,sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18-my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19-a talent of yours
Day 20-a hobby of yours
Day 21-a recipe
Day 22-a website
Day 23-a youtube video
Day 24-where I live
Day 25-your day, in great detail
Day 26-your week, in great detail
Day 27-my worst habit
Day 28-whats in my handbag/purse
Day 29-hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30- a dream for the future

I'll start tomorrow afternoon since I'll be introducing myself to the ICLW'ers either tonight or tomorrow morning.

How do you like the blog now?

2010-08-19T09:00:00.000-07:00

*I know I posted this yesterday but I wanted people's honest opinions and when I post late at night I don't think many people see my blog*

I decided to look for some new blog templates and came across this one! It showed I had looked at this one previously, which is odd because I think it looks beautiful. What does every one else think?

Still waiting on AF. Just finished provera yesterday so I'm hoping it won't be more than four days until I can finally be out of this "cycle" from Hell.

How is every one doing lately? I've been reading everyone's blogs and trying to keep up! I don't always post but want to keep an eye on every one. I'm hoping for happier days for every one and soon!

How do you let go?

2010-08-17T21:48:00.001-07:00

I'm always amazed by my "invisible" friends who have gone through their own trials and pain yet still have a positive outlook on things. How they are able to let go of their pain and worry? I'm always proud of how strong they are, but wonder... what do I need to do to let go of every thing I fear and am hurt from?

I usually can tell when my period will come by how I'm feeling. Obviously being that I just finished up my 5 days of provera today it should be soon, but otherwise I know because my emotions hit harder. I'm finding myself more upset reading everyone's blog because of their pains. I feel suffering for them and everything I've been through. I'm hurting and hard.

With my first miscarriage I remember being so hurt especially after trying for two years, but four months later I was comforted when I got pregnant with my beautiful son. I remember the pain slowly going away as I was filled with joy when I started filling kicks. And suddenly it was so real and worth it that the pain was gone. When our son was a year old we decided to try again so he would have a sibling to look forward to. Aldon wanted 3-5 children and I suggested 2-3, so we met in the middle with 3. So I never had my head set on only one child, even though I wouldn't change it for the world. And now going through almost 3 1/2 years of TTC and two miscarriage I'm wearing my pain on my shoulder. I'm so grateful for my son, but I always hoped he'd have a sibling of his own. All of his cousins do! I worry someday he'll ask me why he doesn't have siblings and I wouldn't know what to say. What mother wants to tell their child that they have had losses?

I know my situation could be worse, I see it when I read other blogs. My heart goes out to them so much, but seriously.. how do you get to become so strong and full of faith?

I think I might look into seeing a therapist soon, but know I want to search for one who deals with infertility and pregnancy loss. I don't know if I can find one who will show sympathy and understanding but hopefully it's possible. I love my blog because it's therapeutic writing every thing down but maybe it's time to see if there's something more I can do to get to "letting go" as well.

Any one recommend any books? Doesn't need to be pregnancy loss related even, just something to help me find peace I need.

Writing it down has helped... but I still wish I could get over the worry. Sometimes I wonder... should we keep trying if all we're faced is with miscarriages? I've seen the light out of the end of the tunnel before but cannot seem to see it right now.

Wanted to add, I know people will probably think I'm weird, but when Pandora plays this one song it makes me happy. I don't know why but I always smile and of course it played when I started writing this blog, so I had to look up the video for it:

Feel free to judge me! I know I do. LOL.

Provera & Metformin

2010-08-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

Well, it's day 3 of provera and metformin. I am praying provera will make this cycle end soon! I expect it to be here in 7 days since it seems to usually come 10 days after my first pill or sooner. I know it's sad when others would love to not have a period, but I'm the completely opposite! Without my period I'm just stuck in a cycle from hell that I want over. I honestly think some women don't realize the blessing a period can bring! For people that are trying to conceive a period means the world to them, although it also brings the pain of another failed cycle. Why does infertility and TTC have to be so hard?

As for the metformin - I decided on that myself. I've had doctors tried to stick me on it a few times but I couldn't "stomach" the first few days and how bad I felt. Thankfully with the help of taking metformin and a Metamucil psyllium fiber capsule I'm doing just fine. I figured with my IR and PCOS it didn't hurt to actually take it, and they agreed. My doctor put me on 1500mg but I told them I could only promise the first while I'd take 500mg so I didn't upset my stomach too bad. So we'll see how it goes.

As for me designing shirts? I've been having fun with them lately and finally getting around to writing infertility shirts! I need to do more, but I'm slacking off since I'm trying to relax (that and so many ideas swarm my head I cannot keep control of it)... so perhaps I'll dedicate more time to it tomorrow. However, for your viewing pleasures here are my favorite so far:

All I want for Christmas is a BFP by Alittlebitoffun
Browse other All T-Shirts

No Fertility Advice Allowed by Alittlebitoffun
Many more t-shirts online at zazzle

The women's sizes run small, so follow their size chart. I probably will put my work on cafepress soon since they actually include plus sizes, but for now that's why I enabled it so people can chose men sizes for those shirts - because they actually go up to 6x. That and their shirts are cheaper!

Anyway, I love designing stuff. I don't sell anything, but it's fun to put my ideas into designs. Makes me feel more comforted. I'll probably be buying some of my own work soon since I would love to wear it at the ob/gyn office!

My "invisible friends"...

2010-08-12T11:19:00.001-07:00

I don't have many people respond to my posts, or check up on me (at least not that I'm aware of)... however there's many people out there who don't know I check up on often. Any one in my follow list that's been having TTC issues or is trying to adopt I make sure to check in for updates often on my blogger front page. I find myself crying for them when they're hurting or happy for them when something wonderful happens. It's amazing how people I've never met I feel so much empathy for. For the ones who long to be mothers, who are trying to adopt but are going through some very tough hurdles, for every one.

I've noticed a lot lately there's been a lot of hardships with the majority of my invisible friends. It seems we are all struggling lately - from adoptions slipping through our hands, a majority of miscarriages, or having yet one more BFN. It's heart-aching to see. It's times like this where you realize infertility is a battle many people suffer. We each go through our own trials, our own pain, and hopefully in the end we'll all rise on top.

Amazingly when I searched Zazzle for infertility shirts I saw only 265!! 265 items addressing infertility... I was in shock. Even pregnancy loss only has 368 items. I always question - is there just not enough awareness, do people not care enough, or are some too embarrassed by the struggles that have got them to where they are today? Me? I wear my heart on my shoulder, I will sputter to any one listening about my battles.. about my triumphs and my losses. My struggles and my babies are a big part of my life.

I wish there would be a day where pregnancy loss and infertility were not apart of our vocabulary, but I know that's the trial some of us face. I wish that people would address it nicer, and others who don't know where we come from would stop their stupidity. I wish there was a day where those who never understood would feel the pain I feel for each of my invisible friends. May you all find happiness, love, and comfort.

Our detailed plan... finally

2010-08-10T10:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday my husband and I had a talk... of course I *had* to have it around midnight, which made it harder to have, but we figured things out between yesterday and today. We've discussed laying off trying to conceive 10 months before he gets out of the military, so there were not any extra stresses or concerns while he's hunting for a civilian job. Of course this bothers me, and might change in the future... but it gives us an idea of how long we have left until we possibly will stop. We have 19 months. 19 months left of giving it our all trying to conceive and have another baby. When looking at it as a time line it is a little scary! So we broke it down on what's next.

• First thing is my weight. This a a BIG thing, as I've got to continually focus on healthy options, exercise, and weight loss. I really feel like my weight has had a big influence on my fertility and my miscarriages, considering I have PCOS. So that means watching what choices of foods I pick and exercising. Most likely I'll consider going back on metformin to aid in my insulin levels, and just suffer while my stomach gets used to it. I have to ask about them when I talk to them next! Which should be in an hour or tomorrow, if they don't get back to me before they close. I have to still make my weight loss goal, but it's a big part of the process.

• I've called the nurses about my lack of a real period, she's talking to the doctor about if they should do hormonal tests or give me the provera. I told her that pregnancy tests are coming out negative, I know I haven't ovulated and my chart indicates pre-O temperatures still. But she'll still discuss this issue... and as much as I hate going on medically inducing a period, I'm sick of this never ending cycle so I want it done. I just went in to the nurses get a blood test, they insisted on having one done before starting provera even though I told them I know I wasn't - something about needing to ovulate to actually get pregnant. So the deal is now once that tests says I'm not pregnant I get provera to start everything we originally planned on doing months ago, before the pregnancy and miscarriage:
CD 1 - Call the ob/gyn clinic for getting appointments and blood work set up.
CD 3- Go in for Cycle Day 3 blood work, including anything related to the Clomid Challenge and Inhibin B tests
CD 5-9 - Take clomid 50mg/day
HSG done sometime in between all this, usually within a week or so after my period I believe.
CD 10 - Second test related to Clomid Challenge

And she said she'd have me having ultrasounds and checking in to see how my follicles are progressing on this.

7dpo - Progesterone test

• Going on clomid 3-6 cycles. Talked about at 3-4 months re-evaluating how things are going and if 2-3 more months is going to make a difference at all, or if it's worth going to the next step.

• Next step is IUI's, possibly IUI/Follitism (?) depending on what the doctor and us discuss. I'm not sure how many cycles makes sense on IUI's, but we discussed 3 cycles of IUI before re-evaluating again. This part becomes more struggle for us, considering we will now be heading a one hour drive to get to appointments since the only approve military RE's are in Tacoma. I think it'll be 3-6 cycles in all of IUI before we truly move on.

• After 3-6 IUI cycles heading onto IVF. This will be only 2 cycles, but even then I don't know how it will go because there usually is a wait at the military RE's office.

At that point in time we'll probably hit the 19 month mark if we get that far, so then we'll have a break. Once Aldon gets settled in with a job and a steady income we're pursuing adoption.

I feel better having a plan, but at the same time it's kind of overwhelming. Going into the OB/gyn office for blood work I tried avoiding the pregnant bellies but they were every where, of course. And one has a shirt on with a fetus saying something... cannot remember what that shirt is, but I have the sudden urge to design infertility shirts with snarky/smart-ass or some kind of other comments to wear *specifically* while at their office.

Ever have one of those days?

2010-08-06T17:08:00.001-07:00

Ever have one of those days where you just hurt and need to address it? I'm feeling that today - so many emotions. I've been spotting the last four days, awaiting and hoping for my period. It's been about 2 months 1 week since my miscarriage and I'm ready for this to be over with. I feel like I'm in limbo, since I haven't ovulated but cannot count this as a period yet since all it's been is spotting.

Of course when I'm in limbo like this - I have to make myself bawl. Not intentionally, but it seems when I'm feeling hurt the most I listen to this song below, which makes me think of all the babies I've lost:

I know that song wasn't intended for pregnancy loss, but was wrote for another purpose... however for me it will always be about my loss. Another song I listen to on days like this is:

So as you can imagine I'm spending this time feeling what I need to... I'm hoping part of these emotions are PMS, but until I actually get a flow I don't know what to consider it. I want it to be over as well, because I'm supposed to call the ob/gyn cycle day 1 to schedule an HSG which I have to work around my husband's schedule! It sucks when you're looking forward to get a period..

I'd still appreciate if any one who has decided to do IUI's, IVF's, or adoption would respond to my blog Jump then Fall, if you don't mind!! I really think we need to go further.

I think soon I'll start working on my Zazzle's line of adoption/IF/pregnancy loss shirts... I feel like I need to.

Jump then fall

2010-08-05T14:43:00.001-07:00

Okay, so my title was going to be "what's next?" but I was listening to Pandora and this song just came on. Kind of appropriate... considering choices while dealing with infertility really can be a jump then fall.

I've been wondering a lot about what's next. I've read many people's blogs, stories much similar to mine, and have seen a few who chose to start pursuing adoption. They've been dealing with IF or RPL issues just like me and sometimes for less time than I have so it brings me the question, what makes people pursue adoption so quickly? Or is it not "quickly"... rather that I'm behind? If that makes any sense.

I love seeing people's adoptions stories, I honestly am excited to see their updates. It just makes me wonder... where my husband and I are on the next step. And what is the next step? We haven't done everything obviously - It's been 3 years 4 months since we started TTC our second bundle of joy and have had two miscarriages since then. What should we do next? We've been doing charting for the last 12 months and the rest of the time was just having sex when we wanted to. I've done clomid two cycles about 12 months ago as well, but felt like I was too emotional on it. Come to find out... I'm just emotional!

I think we will start with 3-6 months of clomid again and see how it goes. I know clomid dries up CM so I'll be doing everything in my power those cycles to keep a "hospitable environment". But what's next after clomid? I honestly think we'll be heading down the road to IUI, but IVF afterward ? I really don't know! What has been every one's experience with IVF? How do you afford it? I'm worried since my husband and I are saving for the future since in 2 1/2 years he'll be civilian bound so I don't see how that can be an affordable option after IUI if we cannot get pregnant.

So my question for every one - what made you decide to go onto IUI, IVF or adoption? I'd love to hear from others!

Glad to be home

2010-08-03T18:33:00.000-07:00

I honestly must say, even though I loved visiting my hometown I'm glad to be home. It's great seeing friends and family but in a way it's also tiresome. The drive, scheduling time for every one, making sure not to forget anything, etc etc. It can take a lot out of someone!

I'm glad to be able to relax at home, but at the same time now there is a lot on my my mind. On vacation you try to think less of your infertility and pregnancy losses and more on having fun. Okay, I admit I did think about it. I did check my cervical fluid (which showed me being fertile like three times during our vacation), I did weep over pregnant people and newborn babies, and I did sputter to some friends about my difficulties and my heartache. I admit the vacation wasn't always fun for that reason.

So what's in store for us? I really don't know - I still haven't had a period since my miscarriage so I haven't been able to get the HSG done. I guess I'll be starting to chart soon to make sure I didn't ovulate, but the pregnancy test I took today said BFN which doesn't surprise me. So the next few days will be getting back into the routine of checking my temperature before I get up. Fun, huh?

I wish I knew what to do next. I feel like we're at a standstill right now and I don't know which way to go. I'm need a plan... maybe that will make me feel more "in control". If only we really could be in control of our fertility!

Today we go camping...

2010-07-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

In two hours we'll make our 2-hour journey from my mother's house to where my husband's family will be camping. Am I excited? A little bit, but mostly nervous.

I had a great time this week - aside from bawling twice when we saw our SIL and their three children. All they could do is talk about babies and children. It's good they are so in love with their children, but isn't there more to talk about? There's more to life then having children.. I hope. I love my son, but there's more to talk about then his talking, food schedule and bowel movements. There's interests... hobbies... a whole world of things that should matter in life as well. Perhaps my life is better because of that. If I could think like that more often, I'd be set.

Anyway, hope every one has a good weekend!! We'll camp until Saturday, head back to my mom's at noon and Sunday head on our 14 hour drive home. I'll be glad in a way to get to go home and relax.

Just a little down

2010-07-24T14:37:00.000-07:00

Currently visiting family in Idaho, so that is why I've been silent lately - was busy getting our house cleaner before we left, getting packed and then getting here. It's been busy, but good... for the most part.

As some of you know, I had a miscarriage last year in September and a month later my SIL told every one she was pregnant AND due no less when I was supposed to be. She had two children already in the time I was TTC, so it was a big blow. It broke my heart to deal with a miscarriage, no less her being pregnant when I should have been. I admit I never coped, her pregnancy and delivery was always a reminder (no matter how far away they lived).

So when we came to visit family I told my DH I really preferred if he saw them alone, I knew I wouldn't handle seeing them with their three children at this point in time, being as I had another miscarriage 2 months ago. Wounds are still fresh. Well, yesterday his father had a BBQ and DH invited all his family, including them. It took about 10 minutes, maybe less, of them being in the house until I had to excuse myself to bawl. I just couldn't handle it, it's too much pain right now. The rest of the BBQ was me in the corner watching my son play, listening to SIL and BIL talk to others about their 2-month old pride and joy and their other children. I know I probably came across as a bitch, but I have the right to be emotional. I feel like sometimes people forget that.

So tonight I caved in and told DH to offer an invite to them while we have other family members at this one pizza place that has a big area for kid's to play. I will try to be calm and handle it, but it still will hurt. This SIL decided to tell my father-in-law about my miscarriage in September. She had *NO* right to do that, no less the FIL tells me on the phone "sorry for your spontaneous abortion". I was pissed - I don't give a damn if it's a medical term, that frustrated me just so much. The baby was wanted, so I never want that term used around me. I honestly don't know how long it will be until I be honest to my SIL and tell her she had no right, but it's been on my mind a ton. She doesn't get it - she's never had an issue trying to conceive ever, she hasn't had a miscarriage, she's had three children in three years.

Anyway, I wish people understood more, or at least showed sympathy. It sucks to be honest and tell someone something in confidence and have them stab you in the back. She doesn't know about my newest miscarriage and I don't know if I'll ever tell her. I guess I should chill - but everything going on with her has bothered me. Hopefully I'll get over it and heal sooner than later.. but for now I'm just feeling bummed.

Something is missing

2010-07-03T21:35:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling kind of in a rut lately... like something is missing. It's so frustrating and I know what I'm missing - I'm missing my babies. I don't like talking about religion much, because I know it brings up bad feelings for some people and causes arguments but my husband is Mormon and I'm Lutheran Christian. I wasn't raised the best with religion since my mother worked often (single mom) so I'm trying to find a religion for us. So we have the missionaries come over and today it stirred up bad blood in me when they made me feel like just because I'm not a Mormon I wouldn't go up to heaven and be with the children I lost. I don't know if they meant to make me feel that way - but I almost had to excuse myself in the middle since I was about to bawl. Why wouldn't I be with my children? So religion decides on what my children will mean to me when I die? I beg to differ. I also felt like they were telling me to get over it. They wouldn't understand. Anyway... I hope no one was offended in any way.

In a few weeks we'll be going to my husband's family reunion. We're heading there early so we can also spend time with my mother, which will be nice for us. And then we camp for three days, which will be interesting since I've never been camping. Since my miscarriage I have yet to ovulate or have a period, so you bet I know what I'll be packing for this trip. I'm not too excited. In fact I think that's making me more emotional - I'm waiting to finally get a period. And I'm starting to feel fear... fear I'll never get pregnant and fear that when I do I'll miscarry again. But what is worse? I cannot decide what my biggest fear is. Do I stop trying completely or do I try, fail, and try again? I'm seriously between a rock and hard place.

Did I mention I had two pregnancy announcements within a day of each other a week or so ago? I'm excited for them, but at the same time jealous. When is it our turn? Why do I not deserve it? No less one of the ladies thinks she is due when I should have been. Why is this the second miscarriage I've had when someone was due when I would have been? It hurts.

Sorry for my failure

2010-06-28T09:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry that I have probably been the biggest ICLW failures when it comes to making comments to every one and posting back. I'll be responding to some comments soon and since it is the last day trying to comment on some new people's blogs. I've just been keeping myself busy with everything in life currently.

Like I said last time - I'm trying to get into my creative gene and have been using photoshop to design tshirts and the such. Well I haven't done IF or pregnancy loss shirts yet, but those will come soon. Still accepting ideas all the time if any one comes up with some at all! I have been concentrating on breast cancer awareness shirts since those were easier for me to come up with ideas. I have a few already up on zazzle now. You can get an idea here: Tshirts for a Cause to see what I've been doing. However some of them are not showing yet, although supposedly they have been published. I still have about 10 to upload as well. Busy, busy!

As for the biggest question people had - what is microstock? Essentially there is buyers and sellers there - photographers go through a lengthy process of editing their photos, tagging their photos, and trying to upload it to a microstock site to have them sold. If that microstock sites approves it (they're strict with no noise, no blurs, etc) then other buyers can chose to buy it when they're searching for that subject. Well, I was getting only 25 cents every time one of my photos sold and that happened in a blue moon. The buyers then can use it under a certain terms and condition of the website - which is pretty much they can use it on like 100,000 items being reproduced or other stipulations. But still - they can publish the sellers photo on a lot. So I spend all the hard work to have them use my photo, God knows where, and possibly make a profit on it. I hope I explained it well. Say the least it wasn't fulfilling to me. It might work for others, but I beg to differ. Photographers work is worth more.

As for the TTC front currently - there's no news. Seriously. Since I had my miscarriage in May I haven't ovulated and I haven't had a period so I don't even know what to expect with my body any more! I hate being in the unknown area. I'm going to schedule an appointment with the infertility ob/gyn and ask for more blood work for pregnancy loss and talk about what I should do right now - wait it out or induce with provera. I think I should wait it, but we'll see what happens.

My creative gene...

2010-06-23T09:30:00.000-07:00

First I have to say I'm oddly surprised from ICLW that no one has seemed to come my way, really. I guess with 180 blogs out there I should expect that, but I'm still a little surprised. Perhaps my life truly is that boring - or maybe it's because IF is a depressing state to be in sometimes. Perhaps if I bring some cheer over here?

Well I'm generally very creative, at least I'd like to think so. I love creating ideas and following through with things - although I'm a little lazy at finishing! Procrastination should be my middle name. Well I started dabbling my hand into micro-stock... come to find out, it's not for me. I don't feel like my work is worth 25¢ every time someone buys it. I especially was frustrated to see one of the other people's pictures that is in micro-stock on a mouse pad making $8 every time someone buys one, when she probably was paid 25¢ to $5 perhaps. So this person is making a good amount off of this picture. I know she's making a lot of money in micro-stock though, she's got a lot of photos up and has a good income coming in. Me? I have probably 12 photos. As you can imagine in competition 12 photos isn't going to get seen in a swarm of billions.

Anyway, so that mouse-pad got me thinking. If I went to zazzle or cafepress and set up a shop there using my photos and sayings I feel like I could make at least a few dollars a month. I'm not looking for a job type of income here (although that wouldn't be shabby), but an extra $100 a month never hurts. So I've been thinking of ideas - and wondered, what IF or RPL shirts would you like to see? I'm going for other ideas as well, but I truly think there should be awareness about IF and RPL out there. I guess I'm more open about what's going on in my reproductive system then some, but I think after all the issues I've been given a "I don't give a damn what you think" attitude. What does every one think?

*Wanted to add: I totally understand ICLW takes a while, there's a ton of blogs! I know I forgot about doing some blog responses the first few days and am making it up. I know there's some blogs where people don't relate, and some that do. I've found a few so far I've instantly followed because they're a lot like me. There's a few too I actually was following in the first place, so it's all understandable :)

Welcome ICLW

2010-06-21T15:23:00.000-07:00

Welcome to all those participating in ICLW. Not sure how it will work out, but we'll see. I almost forgot it started today!! I'll introduce myself a little bit.

My name is Krystal, I've been married 8 1/2 years to my husband who joined the Navy shortly before we married. I have one son, Andrew, who is almost 4 1/2 years old who was a miracle of primary infertility (and one miscarriage).

Now we're suffering secondary infertility as well. We've been TTC since April 2007 without success carrying to term. I had a 6w2d miscarriage in September 2009 and a 8w3d miscarriage in May 2010. So... the wounds are still fresh. I'm trying to deal. I still haven't found out why I'm suffering RPL, the tests so far are normal - all I know for sure is I have PCOS, Vitamin D deficiency and Insulin Resistance (this diagnosis is old so I need to test again). All those make me higher risk for a miscarriage, which makes it tougher to want to try. But I want more children, always hoped I'd have a sibling for my son. I just never expected it would take this long...

Contact Me

2010-06-18T21:52:00.000-07:00

You can contact me via E-mail: Krysttc@aol.com

or

Tweet me at http://twitter.com/KrysTTC

Common TTC abbreviations

2010-06-18T21:06:00.000-07:00

This is a list of commonly used TTC and every day life abbreviations you'll see on my site!

2ww - Two Week Wait
AF - Aunt Flo, menstruation
BBT - Basal Body Temperature
BD - Baby Dance, sex
BFP - Big Fat Positive (pregnancy test)
BFN - Big Fat Negative (pregnancy test)
CD - Cycle Day
CM - Cervical Mucus (fluid)
CP - Cervix Position
DH - Dear Husband
DS - Dear Son
DPO - Days Past Ovulation
DTD - Doing The Dance, BD, sex
EDD - Estimated Due Date
EWCM - Egg White Cervical Mucus
HPT - Home Pregnancy Test
HSG - Hysterosalpingogram
IF - Infertility
IR - Insulin Resistance
IUI - Intrauterine Insemination
LH - Luteinizing Hormone, detected in OPKs
LP - Luteal Phase, days in between ov & AF
MC or M/C- Miscarriage
O or OV - Ovulation
OPK - Ovulation Predictor Kit
PCOS - Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome
PG - Pregnancy, pregnant
RE - Reproductive Endocronologist
RPL - Recurrent Pregnancy Loss
SA - Semen Analysis
SAHM - Stay at Home Mom
TCOYF - Taking Charge of your Fertility
TTC - Trying to Conceive
TTCA - Trying to conceive again

Our Infertility History

2010-06-18T20:54:00.000-07:00

This is an overview on our infertility history, to make it easier then seeing a long drawn-out story on our history. That way I can also easily tab it on my new blog. Will update it as time goes on, but hopefully it turns into a happier history and better future!

December 2001 - Married the love of my life

Beginning 2003 - Started TTC, stopped all birth control

End of 2003 - Diagnosed with PCOS after 9 months of not having a period, and other signs/symptoms

January/February 2005 - After two years TTC, got pregnant on clomid (four months after starting it) then miscarried at 6w

May 2005 - Found out I was pregnant, naturally

February 2006 - Delivered a healthy/beautiful son, named Andrew

April 2007 - Started TTC #2

Mid-2007 - Diagnosed with Insulin Resistance

May 2009 - Started Charting

April - June 2009 - Took clomid two months, didn't like the side effects so I went off of it.

September 2009 - Found out I was pregnant, miscarried at 6w2d. Husband left on submarine a week later.

December 2009 - Back to TTCA since husband returned home

Beginning 2010 - Diagnosed with Vitamin D deficiency

April/May 2010 - Found out I was pregnant, spotted for a week then had a gush of blood and went to the hospital to find the heart beat had stopped. 8w3d along, baby measured 7w4d. All my feelings and worries came true.

Back to the drawing board

Mid-August 2010 - Inducing period with provera, hasn't came since our loss.

August - November 2010 - Took clomid for three cycles

November 21 2010 - BFP @ 10 dpo. Low progesterone, started prometrium 11/22/2010. Hoping for a sticky bean!

11/22/2010 - HCG 38 mIU and progesterone at 20.69
11/24 - HCG 129 miU - Doubling time 26.65

More pregnancy updates: http://krysttc.blogspot.com/2010/12/my-pregnancy.html

Not much to report

2010-06-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

I got some blood work from my primary care managers office done last week and finally got the results today. They did progesterone (why at this stage I don't know), testosterone, metabolic panel, CBC w/ differential (white blood counts), monocyte absolute, and something else called a hemogram? Well majority of it came back normal - but my monocyte absolute was a little high. Their office didn't seem concerned.. perhaps since when I got the test done I had a cold going on which I'm assuming can elevate it? What sucks is I'm still not over the cold either, it's been 9 days since I got it. The other thing that was low was my Vitamin D still. A good range is 30-150 and mine is 23 so I'll be back on 5000 miU of Vitamin D.

I should be ovulating soon. My OPK's are starting to show a second line so it'll be within the week I'm guessing. I don't know whether to be excited or depressed. I'm just not feeling it at all lately - I'm so mixed with emotions. Do I try? Do I stop? Will I miscarry again? All these overwhelming questions and I cannot stop thinking about them. I've lost two babies within 9 months and I really don't want to risk another... but does that stop me from trying? I guess all you do is put one foot forward and pray. Guess I'll be taking that leap. Next month it won't be happening - I won't be starting clomid because I don't feel comfortable being on it amidst going on a vacation to a family reunion, so it will have to wait.

I've mostly been hanging around my other blog - The Good Stuff where the better life is. Life away from IF, RPL and everything else that bums me out. I like it there better, it involves more smiling. I refuse to even really venture on the TCOYF boards now because the only groups I fit in are pregnancy loss and infertility, two horrible spots to be in.

What I'm thankful for child mentioned

2010-06-09T09:32:00.000-07:00

I always feel guilty posting something when a child is involved, for those suffering primary infertility. I used to be one of those people in that group and knew how much it hurt when another person talked about certain things. However, sometimes with IF we focused too much on the pain, endless BFN months, frustrations, poking, prodding and everything else involved. Today I want to focus on what I'm so grateful for, as I suggest all of you in IF world do too.

1. I'm grateful for my husband. For the 8 years we've had together. For him supporting me through drama, struggles, IF, and miscarriages. Even though he sometimes doesn't know what to say, I'm thankful for it. In fact today I think I will take a change to buy *him* some flowers. Updated: The picture above is the gladiolus I bought him!

2. *Child mentioned* I'm grateful for my one and only son. Even if we're never blessed with other children, it's just fine. As much as I want him to have a sibling I know he'll grow up to be a successful man. He lights up our life and is so smart, even though he's a little stubborn.

3. I'm thankful for my family. Although there's some in-laws I could do without, for the most part both sides of our family has many supportive and considerate people. I wouldn't trade most of them for the world!

4. I'm thankful for my camera. Now I see things as more beautiful then others do - see things more interesting and cherish everything. Even bugs (as you can tell) which many wouldn't get that close to no less take a picture of. In fact knowing me I'll be outside taking a picture of a huge wasp hive my husband found on the back of our shed!

5. I'm thankful for the roof over our heads, the food we have, and the income we receive. Though we don't make a lot, we are happy and healthy.

I challenge you to think of all the beautiful things in your life! I know there's more I have, but these are the top 5 today.

Tuesday Tagalong

2010-06-08T08:42:00.000-07:00

I found this on someone else's blog post - I figured it might be interesting to see how it works. It's a good idea to get some followers and I figured what would it hurt?

In other news - I'm going to the doctor today for more blood work. Of course I've now been sick three days. This is what happens when I don't drink enough water in a day - I don't just get a sore throat, I get *sick*. Obviously now I should know better.. a little too late...

Any person coming from another blog (or from Tweepoppets), if you're not interested in TTC/infertility/miscarriage rants head over to my main site: The Good Stuff which I post to about photography, my son, my husband and life in general away from the infertility junk.

Appointments (and complaining)

2010-06-06T17:26:00.000-07:00

I got an appointment scheduled Tuesday to talk to my PCM (primary care manager) about some of the blood work I figured isn't up Dr. Q's alley. I decided Thursday to get some of my records from the Navy ob/gyn office and it mentioned a high white blood count (cut off it 10 and mine was 10.9) so I questioned it, since no one ever gave me results of my blood work at all. So I figured I'd ask the PCM to check to make sure my levels are not still high since I'm no longer pregnant and to also check vitamin D and calcium again as well. Possibly some other normal blood work too - I just know I've been feeling run down and sluggish again. Honestly I think I felt less tired when I was pregnant and not sleeping until 1-2 am.

I kind of pushed off calling and making an appointment with Dr. Q for more blood work, although I want to. I've just been trying to still cope with every thing that has happened. Thankfully people seem to understand why I haven't said much or been social, but I wonder if secretly they think I should be over it all.

The biggest issue I have with ob/gyn offices is there's no place for the infertile or pregnancy loss women to hide. Their offices are all inconsiderate - all these women coming in showing off their bellies (no less rubbing them) while here I sit looking at my belly that hasn't recuperated from the pregnancy and miscarriage. How I envy them. Such a beautiful blessing to have which I miss. So many women complaining about their pregnancies lately - how much they hate being pregnant, hate puking, hate the swelling, the endless nights of not sleeping, and more. I have half a nerve to tell them to shove it - there is people worse out there then them. There's people who pray to have all those issues. I know some people have it bad and have to be hospitalized, that's different... but still, all these women need to remember how blessed they are to feel like crap.

No one ever told me if I should take a break TTC, which is odd since my other miscarriages they talked about that with me. I guess once you have three miscarriages you know the drill. I haven't been charting, but I should since I know I'll probably ovulate in two weeks. I'm confused why Dr. Q. wants me on clomid next month, but timing wise ovulation will hit when we should be going to a family reunion. Horrible timing. I asked DH if he would pass it up if it meant we would have a chance to get pregnant and he said yes, but this was before we got pregnant and miscarried so I guess things have changed.

I need a real vacation. A relaxing hotel, no worries... just my husband, my son, and my camera. All of which I'm thankful to have.

I'll shut up now. Sometimes I just need to vent and blog. Sorry to all those who stuck it out and read. LOL.

New Title

2010-06-05T09:21:00.000-07:00

I thought of this last night as I drifted off to sleep - since I was determined to stick to the pictures I've done in the header I needed a new title name for my blog. "Buzz Off Infertility" seems very appropriate, not just because of the header picture. So what does every think?

Buzz Off Infertility

The time has come

Retiring?

The birth story

Introducing....

29 weeks update

I'm a failure

The never ending to-do list

Welcome ICLW

I love crafts

18 weeks

Quickening, back pain and pelvis. Oh my!

14 weeks

Been feeling pain

Second trimester

I know I haven't been there for you

Stupid cold

Nausea remedy?

Bittersweet anniversary

Getting past this point...

This year at a glance

Welcome ICLW!!!!

Hurting when others hurt

I put a friend on facebook block...

Suzy is awesome

My pregnancy

Updating

Bahumbug

Yesterday's blood draw

Always busy, never complaining...

5 weeks today

Results

Already worried

Always an infertile

Blood work update!

Results are in for 11 dpo

Oh the joys of snow!!

Conflicting emotions...

My temps are like a roller-coaster, baby...

Possibly a guinea pig

I think we're done...

Struggling with my weight

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is smile

Bummed out...

I hate this feeling...

I'm a bitch

Not feeling so hot...

Isn't that *low*?

8 dpo and fears

Changed the blog look

Remembering the losses

Show & Tell - My Cats

And we're off.. again

In a funk

Mourning an anniversary

11 dpo...

1 dpo

A year ago tomorrow... and my plan

Day 12- thing you are OCD about

How do you respond...

Day 11- a recent photo of you

Day 10- pic taken10+ yrs ago of you

Day 9- a photo you took

Day 8- a photo that makes you sad

Ever have something..

Day 7- photo that makes me happy

The results are in!

Day 6- 20 of your fave things

And we're off...

Day 5- your favorite quote

Day 4- your favorite book

Scheduled the appointments

Day 3 - your favorite TV program

I NEED to...

Day 2 - Your favorite movie

Life's cruel joke...

Day 1 - Your Favorite Song

Welcome ICLW!!!!

30 day blog journal...

How do you like the blog now?

Isn't that low?

What I'm thankful for child mentioned