And I'm back on the clomid...

I almost forgot to take my two doses of clomid today, but thankfully something triggered my mind. Thank heavens. With only 14 minutes to go until a new day too LOL. I'm sort of depressed about this... this thing called trying to conceive. At times I want to gives my hands in and say no more. How much can one person go through? At 21 months of trying, I can only imagine how it feels for people who've been trying a lifetime. My heart goes out to you. You truly have a big heart.



I don't know what to say. Aldon's mom called today and checked up on us. After she talked to me a while she talked to Aldon. I guess she asked how I was doing. He, of course, said I was fine... and that he's happy for Carmen and Ben's pregnancy. Just that we've been trying. Under my shell, I'm not fine but I don't want others worrying for me. It's no ones fault. I'm alright, just a little broken. But what's broken can be fixed and I am healing. I know I will be pregnant someday. I will be blessed and grateful. When is just the question.



I got my Weightloss site up. So if you want to, check it out. There isn't much there, but in time there will be. I sometimes think I'm going to just give in, give up on "trying", and go full force into losing this weight. I'm deciding on some programs to get... which you'll see in my journal on my weightloss site.



August 9th... that's when we test for ovulation. August 9th... the last chance of getting pregnant before Aldon's leaves.

A visitor

Well, I got a visitor today, my period. Right on time, I might add. I am getting good at knowing how many days from when I start medroxy progresterone til when I finish it will I get it. It's frustrating. I had a normal period last month, and this month I'm back to being on the pills. Sometimes I wonder why my body is so messed up.

 

I called my OB/GYN's office  to tell her I got my period. So she'll be calling me back sometime soon. She wants me to start my clomid, 100 mg, on the third day of my cycle. That'll be the 24th. Then she said she wanted me in on the 19th day of my cycle to check for ovualtion. So that'll be August 9th I go in for blood work.

 

Right now I'm making a little "weightloss" webpage for myself. It'll keep me more on track that way. Hopefully I see some progress soon. My weightloss webpage should be up here in the next few days. Once it is up, I will link to it on my main webpage and this page.

 

That's all that is going on. I'll update if more happens.

Heartache

Well, yesterday I finally started my pills to get my period. I was sure I'd get it on my own, but waiting it out wasn't showing any progress. So, if I don't get my period "on my own" I should be responding to these pills by the 22nd of this month.



My heartaches today though. I got an email from my mother in law. Aldon's younger brother married in April, right? Well, she said Ben called her up, asked her if she was sitting down and told her Carmen (the wife) is pregnant. Due in February, meaning it was one month after their marriage that she got pregnant. And as much as I had a feeling that'd happen, I wasn't quite ready for it. Especially after another month of negative results. 21 months trying and still counting here.



Laura (one of the sisters) said she's glad because she was the only one of the six siblings to have children. She has three. And I hurt. Because, honestly, it should be me pregnant. Aldon and I have been so ready for a child and no one understands us. No one understands the heartache I've gone through every month I find out more bad news. To date, I believe 15 people I've known have gotten pregnant/had a child (well, one aborted, which I cannot forgive) during the time we started trying.



And I feel like an outcast. Honestly, I do. I can't see how I'm supposed to put a smile on my face while this newly wedded couple is pregnant. Aldon doesn't know yet. When he comes home from work today it's going to be hard to say... "Hey, how was your day? Mine.. okay. I exercised today and crocheted a little. Oh, and by the way your younger brother and her wife are pregnant."



I am happy for her, but I'm envious. I feel like I'm fighting so hard for nothing, and all these others are getting knocked up for free. I know when I get pregnant I'll love my children deeply and have a better understanding for others like me. I'll truly appreciate the blessings of life. But a woman can only handle so much heartache before she goes numb.

Maybe someone understands this?

Alright, this has been wandering my mind and I don't get it. I doubt it's a possibility but want to understand something. Normal people ovulate 12-14 days into their cycle, right? So they test on the day of their missed period to get their negative or positive test result. Well, what about people like me? My peak ovulation was around the 19th day of my cycle. So wouldn't I want to test *5* days after my period is due? Does that make sense? I just don't understand it how it'd work for people like me. I doubt I'm pregnant, but... doesn't that sound right?



And about testing for hCG. This one site says to the answer of how long to hold off going pee before you test... "If you are testing early, a four-hour wait is a good idea. The more hCG you have in your system, the less long you'll need to hold before trying to test." Is that true? Then wouldn't I have a problem there? I can only hold my bladder a short time since I have a weak one. So does that mean since I go pee so often the hCG wouldn't be as noticable? Maybe I'm not thinking straight. Just figured I'd ask.



Added 7/12: I am still getting cramps but no sign of my period. I think I might start my medroxy progresterone (provera) tonight so I can get my period relatively soon. Since I'm just prolonging it. Aldon says it's up to me. He says if I would feel better waiting a few days for testing before I start my pills then it's fine. We'll see.

And the results are in....

Confucious says: A negative result makes a lady TTC sad.



In a way I had a feeling I wasn't pregnant. Just wishful hoping that, obviously, wasn't enough to get the positive I long for. How am I doing? I'm alright.. I guess... the results were same as always. LOL. I haven't started my pills (even though I was supposed to yesterday). I've been having light cramps which I think will bring my period on my own. I'll give it a day more.



At times I think maybe I should stop "trying". Stop going to the OB/GYN.. just STOP thinking about it in general. Maybe then I'd have some luck. It isn't like I'm thinking about it much anyway. It's not like when I have sex I think "Great, time for babymaking!" No, not like that at all. And going to the OB/GYN is just to help with the fertility issues. But, who knows, sometimes people have gotten pregnant once they STOPPED clomid. I doubt I'd be so lucky. We can hope, right?



I guess I start two doses of clomid this time then. Since that's all I have left (ten pills) I'll need to remember to ask her for a new prescription next round. And next month I have to remember I have an appointment with my PCM. It's supposed to be a six month check in. Can you believe it, 5 months ago I went to my new PCM to ask for a referal? Of course, it took three months to get my first appointment with her. Haha.



As for keeping myself busy and in check... I've started crocheting. My first and only project was a "baby" afghan so far.. and I still haven't completed it yet. But the thing I'm crocheting now is my first time project following from a book. And I'm doing good. It's a afghan for my future baby. Whenever that may come.

Tomorrow I test

Tomorrow I get to buy myself a home pregnancy test to see if I'm pregnant. I'm sort of nervous about it. I don't know what to think honestly. In a way I'm pretty sure I'm not pregnant but a part of me longs to be hopeful and think there's a chance I did ovulate.



I don't see why the OB/GYN doesn't want to do a test herself. I really think she believes I didn't ovulate this month so there'd be no need. And maybe she's right. However, I really am wondering if things will work out. I'm hoping the tests give me a correct answer. I don't want a positive result if I'm not, or a negative result if I am. I don't want to risk being pregnant, not knowing and going back on clomid. I wouldn't know what to do if I miscarried. I'd feel so guilty.



In a way, I'm not sure. I feel like I'm going to get my period. I'm getting little cramps. But it feels odd... I don't know how to describe it. Some reason it feels "heavier" down there. Really hard to mention how it feels heavier because I'm not even sure. I just *feel* it. We'll see. Maybe it's just my period trying to say "hey! I'm coming!"



One way to find out... tomorrow, tomorrow.

Two Lines!

No, I'm not pregnant. However, I decided a week ago to buy ovulation sticks to see if they'd say I'm ovulating or not. It's supposed to show your LH jump. To be ovulating the one line has to be as dark or darker then the test line. Well, I tested the 15th day of my cycle but the one line was way too light. 16th, light, but showing. On the 17th, 18th, and 19th it was as dark as the test line. On the 20th day of my cycle (yesterday) it had gotten light again. So, I should've been ovulating around the 17th-19th day of my cycle!



Yesterday I went to get my blood drawn from a diagnostics place. The OB/Gyns secretary asked if I'd go there to get the test done rather then their office, since it'd be sooner before they get the results. I should be getting the results either today or tomorrow. I figure if I haven't gotten a call by the end of today that I'd call and ask tomorrow afternoon. I really hope the ovulation tests were accurate and that I did, infact, ovulate.



Amazing, right when I was typing this, my phone rang. It was my OB/gyn. She had the results... she said the test came back showing 0.4. She said to be ovulating it has to be between 0.8 to 3.something. I asked her and she said there's not a chance I ovulated. I mentioned to her I was using ovulation sticks and that from the 17th-19th days of cycle it was dark and on the day I got my blood test the stick was light. So there's a CHANCE I did, infact, ovulate but they were too late in catching it. So we have a new plan this month.



On the 30th day of my cycle (the 10th of this month), if I haven't gotten my period I test myself for pregnancy. If I'm not pregnant I go back on medroxy (provera). On the 3rd day of my cycle (whenever it starts/started) I start taking 2 clomid a day instead of one. So I'll be taking 100 mg of clomid for five days. On the 19th day of my cycle, we'll be testing for ovulation. Of course, if things happen and a pregnancy tests says I'm pregnant, I contact her. If I start my period, I contact her. So we'll see how things go. I'm sort of nervous about this month. I hope things look up.