I've been blessed with one miracle child, but it definitely was an infertility struggle to have him. However, I'm jealous. I'm jealous of those with two children. I'm even more jealous of those who have had multiples. I'm extremely jealous of those pregnant.
And... I'm selfish. I have been reading blogs, one person who had their two year old die of cancer. That broke my heart into pieces, I read their journey in tears. I've read a ton of infertility struggles, some ending in miscarriage or a road continuing down to IUI's and IVF's. It breaks my heart. And every time I see a pregnant lady I'm trying to remember - they might have been in my position at one point in time praying for a miracle.
It's a reminder to appreciate what I have, which I do... but I feel selfish sometimes realizing there's people out there struggling more then I am. All I can do is hope and pray for them to be blessed too. Sometimes we forget that we're not the only people who have been having issues and struggling. Infertility is a long road, and a lot of us are on the path looking for the right route to go.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Monday, March 22, 2010
Friday, September 25, 2009
A "happy" birthday...
Before my doctor's appointment I went to get my blood work done and dealt with. It sucks because there was three or four people there getting prenatal blood work done. The bad thing about military hospitals and dealing with them is you get no privacy, granted the ladies talking to the front desk weren't exactly silent. So I had quite a few ladies checking in on their pregnancies and one even had a 5 month old baby with her! Say the least that made me even more depressed.
After waiting 30 minutes for my blood work I headed up to the ob/gyn clinic. More pregnant ladies. Seriously, you think the ob/gyn would schedule an appointment where there would be no pregnant ladies around but I guess there's more happy moments in pregnancy than there are bad. The person sitting across from me in the waiting room was staring at ultrasound pictures. I'm not sure whether or not to feel bad for her, I couldn't tell if she was sniffling with a cold or sniffling otherwise. I didn't see any tears though. I guess I should be feeling better I didn't get to see a heartbeat before I miscarried, but still it is painful.
The nurse and doctor I talked to were both sympathetic. The nurse told me happy birthday, and then stuttered when I told her there was nothing happy about this day and about miscarrying. I did thank her for her good intentions, though. Oddly enough my blood pressure is what I'd consider low - 103/80. The bottom number was high, but odd nonetheless. The doctor told me there was nothing I did wrong and that unfortunately these things happen. He said because of what happened there was no way to know what happened or why the baby didn't stick. He did a trans vaginal ultrasound to check things out, he measured my lining and told me it looks great and normal. After doing the ultrasound he mentioned if he didn't know my circumstances looking at the ultrasound he'd have just thought I got over having a period. In all reality - I think that is what happened. I think I had a chemical pregnancy, best described as having the embryo die after conception before it has a chance to grow and develop. Granted I don't even know if you could call it an embryo at that phase, it's just all confusing. Most likely something wrong due to the chromosomes but you just never know.
The doctor mentioned since I've been pregnant three times obviously my husband's sperm and my eggs are good. He said obviously I have been ovulating so I could start trying on my own in two months again. I mentioned my husband is leaving in less than a week on a submarine so he said we could start trying again when he gets back, in December. Unfortunately my husband hasn't been around enough to help me deal emotionally, since they're getting ready to leave I've been on my own. He was supposed to be "free" today but the submarine had issues and didn't do what they were going to do yesterday (starting everything up and checking on all the equipment) so they're doing that today and of course that means he might not even be home tonight. Soon I won't even see him and I can't even enjoy him the few days before he does, it's just depressing.
As for how I'm feeling emotionally... I'm dealing. My son and I will try to salvage tonight by eating ice cream, pizza and playing games at chuck-e cheese. Most likely I'll end it by buying my son a gift and remembering how grateful I should be that I've had one blessing. He is my birthday gift. I just hope I can keep my eyes open for all of it.
Oh, as for the beta results: 11. I'm almost done miscarrying, I guess. I guess I should also mention the dear doctor I talked to said this next time once I find out I'm pregnant since I've miscarried twice I can get in for an ultrasound earlier like 6 weeks pregnant! Not exactly how I wanted it to happen, but good to know. Good to know!
After waiting 30 minutes for my blood work I headed up to the ob/gyn clinic. More pregnant ladies. Seriously, you think the ob/gyn would schedule an appointment where there would be no pregnant ladies around but I guess there's more happy moments in pregnancy than there are bad. The person sitting across from me in the waiting room was staring at ultrasound pictures. I'm not sure whether or not to feel bad for her, I couldn't tell if she was sniffling with a cold or sniffling otherwise. I didn't see any tears though. I guess I should be feeling better I didn't get to see a heartbeat before I miscarried, but still it is painful.
The nurse and doctor I talked to were both sympathetic. The nurse told me happy birthday, and then stuttered when I told her there was nothing happy about this day and about miscarrying. I did thank her for her good intentions, though. Oddly enough my blood pressure is what I'd consider low - 103/80. The bottom number was high, but odd nonetheless. The doctor told me there was nothing I did wrong and that unfortunately these things happen. He said because of what happened there was no way to know what happened or why the baby didn't stick. He did a trans vaginal ultrasound to check things out, he measured my lining and told me it looks great and normal. After doing the ultrasound he mentioned if he didn't know my circumstances looking at the ultrasound he'd have just thought I got over having a period. In all reality - I think that is what happened. I think I had a chemical pregnancy, best described as having the embryo die after conception before it has a chance to grow and develop. Granted I don't even know if you could call it an embryo at that phase, it's just all confusing. Most likely something wrong due to the chromosomes but you just never know.
The doctor mentioned since I've been pregnant three times obviously my husband's sperm and my eggs are good. He said obviously I have been ovulating so I could start trying on my own in two months again. I mentioned my husband is leaving in less than a week on a submarine so he said we could start trying again when he gets back, in December. Unfortunately my husband hasn't been around enough to help me deal emotionally, since they're getting ready to leave I've been on my own. He was supposed to be "free" today but the submarine had issues and didn't do what they were going to do yesterday (starting everything up and checking on all the equipment) so they're doing that today and of course that means he might not even be home tonight. Soon I won't even see him and I can't even enjoy him the few days before he does, it's just depressing.
As for how I'm feeling emotionally... I'm dealing. My son and I will try to salvage tonight by eating ice cream, pizza and playing games at chuck-e cheese. Most likely I'll end it by buying my son a gift and remembering how grateful I should be that I've had one blessing. He is my birthday gift. I just hope I can keep my eyes open for all of it.
Oh, as for the beta results: 11. I'm almost done miscarrying, I guess. I guess I should also mention the dear doctor I talked to said this next time once I find out I'm pregnant since I've miscarried twice I can get in for an ultrasound earlier like 6 weeks pregnant! Not exactly how I wanted it to happen, but good to know. Good to know!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tomorrow
Tomorrow is my birthday, it also is the day I will be going to a doctor to talk about my miscarriage. We'll be doing blood work in the morning and that is all I really know. I already know the blood work will be close to zero since I got a very faint positive on a pregnancy test today. It's going in the right direction. As I was looking for answers to WHY this happened I came across:
Excess weight does not contribute to a miscarriage; however, PCOS, which is common in overweight women, does create a higher statistical chance of pregnancy loss than in the general population. The reason is related to hormone imbalance. Both elevated LH and testosterone are linked to miscarriage, as is insulin resistance.
Wouldn't you know most of those issues I have? I have been diagnosed with PCOS, I have insulin resistance and last I checked my testosterone was a little higher than normal. It says treatments are available to help - but I've declined spironolactone and metformin because of how I feel on them. I focused on losing weight and lost 40 pounds since I was last tested and I know weight loss can help those issues. I guess I'm wondering did I do something wrong to cause this? I know I probably didn't, but I guess it will be something I bring up with the ob/gyn tomorrow. I'm hoping they'll do more, I just really wish they believed in testing progresterone levels.
I've been looking back on my TTC blog I had the first time I was trying for a child. I was so focused on losing weight afterward that I lost 20 pounds between my miscarriage and finding out I was pregnant again four months later. That's what I'm aiming for - losing weight again. Granted I still cannot seem to find the strength in me to start, but I will dig it up. I got a recipe book from the biggest loser and it has a few meals I'm willing to try out in there. It sucks to start over, but I know I need to do this for me. So for the next few months my discussions might be focused more on weight loss since my DH will be out on a submarine until December, when we will start to TTC again.
Honestly though... isn't it good to focus on your health along with TTC? I do believe so. I miss how I felt when I weighed less, it's time to go back!
Excess weight does not contribute to a miscarriage; however, PCOS, which is common in overweight women, does create a higher statistical chance of pregnancy loss than in the general population. The reason is related to hormone imbalance. Both elevated LH and testosterone are linked to miscarriage, as is insulin resistance.
Wouldn't you know most of those issues I have? I have been diagnosed with PCOS, I have insulin resistance and last I checked my testosterone was a little higher than normal. It says treatments are available to help - but I've declined spironolactone and metformin because of how I feel on them. I focused on losing weight and lost 40 pounds since I was last tested and I know weight loss can help those issues. I guess I'm wondering did I do something wrong to cause this? I know I probably didn't, but I guess it will be something I bring up with the ob/gyn tomorrow. I'm hoping they'll do more, I just really wish they believed in testing progresterone levels.
I've been looking back on my TTC blog I had the first time I was trying for a child. I was so focused on losing weight afterward that I lost 20 pounds between my miscarriage and finding out I was pregnant again four months later. That's what I'm aiming for - losing weight again. Granted I still cannot seem to find the strength in me to start, but I will dig it up. I got a recipe book from the biggest loser and it has a few meals I'm willing to try out in there. It sucks to start over, but I know I need to do this for me. So for the next few months my discussions might be focused more on weight loss since my DH will be out on a submarine until December, when we will start to TTC again.
Honestly though... isn't it good to focus on your health along with TTC? I do believe so. I miss how I felt when I weighed less, it's time to go back!
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
How do you heal?
It's been a day since I started bleeding heavily, since I was told my HcG level was only 167 around 4 pm. I had gotten my blood drawn prior to the ER, at 10:30 AM that morning and I found out today it was 245. What causes a miscarriage to happen so fast? How can I be pregnant one moment and not the next? I honestly think it could have been my progesterone level, considering the first few days after ovulation I had two fall back rises, but alas the ER and my ob/gyn don't believe in testing for that. I failed to mention they're both in the naval hospital. They don't believe in helping a person out 100%... anyway, I'll never know the true issue.
All the OB nurses say at this point is if I have one more miscarriage they'll transfer me to a different Navy hospital 30+ minutes away for infertility care, I assume. What kind of help is that? I can't see a specialist here because my insurance does not approve any closeby, but they won't do anything for me. I seriously don't understand why people should have to travel so far away to be seen or helped out.
It's hard dealing and coping with it - my husband can be only here so much, he's getting prepared to go out to sea soon. I know he's hurting as much as I do - this month was painful in the first place seeing as September 8th was the one year anniversary of his mother, my mother-in-law, Patsy's death. It's harsh adding another death to that list. To make it worse I'm being checked out for a follow-up September 25th, my birthday, to make sure my beta numbers are back to 0. What a shitty birthday present, I know. Hopefully I can figure a way to make my birthday better after that point, but I know it's going to be full of tears. It was the closest appointment they had and unfortunately the most convenient one, otherwise I'd be waiting a while until they had an appointment early enough for me. We deal with what we're given I guess. I just wish the pain would fade. I feel like I have no where to go anymore. I used to talk on the TTC boards I visited when we were trying, and the pregnancy boards when we found out we're pregnant.. but I really feel depressed visiting any boards lately, especially the infertility one.
"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."
Time heals all wounds... right?
All the OB nurses say at this point is if I have one more miscarriage they'll transfer me to a different Navy hospital 30+ minutes away for infertility care, I assume. What kind of help is that? I can't see a specialist here because my insurance does not approve any closeby, but they won't do anything for me. I seriously don't understand why people should have to travel so far away to be seen or helped out.
It's hard dealing and coping with it - my husband can be only here so much, he's getting prepared to go out to sea soon. I know he's hurting as much as I do - this month was painful in the first place seeing as September 8th was the one year anniversary of his mother, my mother-in-law, Patsy's death. It's harsh adding another death to that list. To make it worse I'm being checked out for a follow-up September 25th, my birthday, to make sure my beta numbers are back to 0. What a shitty birthday present, I know. Hopefully I can figure a way to make my birthday better after that point, but I know it's going to be full of tears. It was the closest appointment they had and unfortunately the most convenient one, otherwise I'd be waiting a while until they had an appointment early enough for me. We deal with what we're given I guess. I just wish the pain would fade. I feel like I have no where to go anymore. I used to talk on the TTC boards I visited when we were trying, and the pregnancy boards when we found out we're pregnant.. but I really feel depressed visiting any boards lately, especially the infertility one.
"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."
Time heals all wounds... right?
Monday, June 29, 2009
CD 3
Yes, last cycle was also a bum cycle again. I was *so* sure I was pregnant. Maybe thinking I was pregnant is what caused me to feel all those symptoms, I guess I'll never know. I guess I can look forward to the fact my period came on it's own for the third month in a row. This round it was a 35 day cycle, which is still good and a lot better improvement then not having one for 2-9 months at a time. I'm just still stuck in a funk about the whole situation - I just felt it was time and was denied again. I think this next round I'll have to try to hold out on testing until at least 13dpo, it will save me tests and hopefully my sanity too.
I have been trying to decide these past few days whether or not I should be taking clomid. I feel more depressed when PMS hits on clomid. I feel like bawling more then normal. It's been two months on clomid so maybe it's time for a break. I'm just hoping I still can ovulate without the use of clomid. I wish I had used charting longer then maybe I'd know if my body could do it on it's own. It's odd but I had a dream just this morning telling me to make sure I BD because I'm going to ovulate early. Just in case it's true, I'll make sure and dance the dance more!
Sorry if I'm chattering, it's been a long day. The good thing is tomorrow we're going to see some of DH's relatives (his brother, his brother's wife and son, and his father). We plan to hit the Seattle zoo so hopefully everything goes well!! Should be an exciting and fun day which means I have to get everything prepared!
I have been trying to decide these past few days whether or not I should be taking clomid. I feel more depressed when PMS hits on clomid. I feel like bawling more then normal. It's been two months on clomid so maybe it's time for a break. I'm just hoping I still can ovulate without the use of clomid. I wish I had used charting longer then maybe I'd know if my body could do it on it's own. It's odd but I had a dream just this morning telling me to make sure I BD because I'm going to ovulate early. Just in case it's true, I'll make sure and dance the dance more!
Sorry if I'm chattering, it's been a long day. The good thing is tomorrow we're going to see some of DH's relatives (his brother, his brother's wife and son, and his father). We plan to hit the Seattle zoo so hopefully everything goes well!! Should be an exciting and fun day which means I have to get everything prepared!
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
CD 11
Today is now CD 11. I finished my clomid yesterday since I started it a day late, I just hope a day does not make a difference. Then again if it benefits me I'm all for it! Using my Clearblue easy fertility monitor (CBEFM) daily. Still says low fertility. The first month it starts it so early to try and get used to your cycles. Means I'll be going through probably 20 sticks too!! They want you to always use test sticks in packs of ten. So even if it detects fertility it wants you to continue after it, which I guess you don't really need to do. If I have to use over 20 I'll refuse! I just hope it shows peak fertility soon.
My CM is starting to show it's fertile. It's turning eggwhite and stretchy so I hope that means good news! I'll be keeping an eye on everything. I know a lot of women think it's a burden but I think it's helping me learn more about my body. I mean, honestly how many women know that their cervix changes positions different time in their cycle? Certainly not me!
Anyway, baby dust to all :)
My CM is starting to show it's fertile. It's turning eggwhite and stretchy so I hope that means good news! I'll be keeping an eye on everything. I know a lot of women think it's a burden but I think it's helping me learn more about my body. I mean, honestly how many women know that their cervix changes positions different time in their cycle? Certainly not me!
Anyway, baby dust to all :)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Wasn't my month
I knew the odds were against me last month since we only had 3 BD days before he was sent back out on a submarine for a while. It was roughly near my ovulation time too but I don't think we planned it right. Or it just wasn't enough. We're working on it! But good news is May 23rd I got another period on my own!! A 31 day cycle this round. So two months in a row my periods have been normal and that's more than I could ever ask for is a normal body!!
I've been starting to BBT chart. For the last week now. Post-ovulation temps were 98.1-98.3 range, once my period hit my temps have ranged 97.0-97.3. I've been working on charting cervical feel and position along with cervical fluids. I decided to buy a clearblue easy fertility monitor (aka CBEFM) and hopefully it will be here tomorrow. Since it'd be coming probably after my first morning urine (since tomorrow is CD 5 and that's the last you can start using it on this thing and I got it scheduled for overnight delivery) I was thinking of catching my first urine and putting it in the fridge until it was time. We'll see if that works! If all means I can remove the old data and start fresh next month, but hopefully there won't be a next month.
Well since clomid 50mg was a bust, I'm supposed to be on either 100 or 150mg. I'm pretty sure he'll only put me on 100mg. I called the nurse and left a message saying I NEED him to fill the prescription asap because tomorrow is CD 5 and I take it CD5-9. So hopefully they hurry up because today may be the only time I have to pick it up. I'll update later!
I've been starting to BBT chart. For the last week now. Post-ovulation temps were 98.1-98.3 range, once my period hit my temps have ranged 97.0-97.3. I've been working on charting cervical feel and position along with cervical fluids. I decided to buy a clearblue easy fertility monitor (aka CBEFM) and hopefully it will be here tomorrow. Since it'd be coming probably after my first morning urine (since tomorrow is CD 5 and that's the last you can start using it on this thing and I got it scheduled for overnight delivery) I was thinking of catching my first urine and putting it in the fridge until it was time. We'll see if that works! If all means I can remove the old data and start fresh next month, but hopefully there won't be a next month.
Well since clomid 50mg was a bust, I'm supposed to be on either 100 or 150mg. I'm pretty sure he'll only put me on 100mg. I called the nurse and left a message saying I NEED him to fill the prescription asap because tomorrow is CD 5 and I take it CD5-9. So hopefully they hurry up because today may be the only time I have to pick it up. I'll update later!
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Confusing
I had an Answer OPK test show a + on the 9th, day 18. Alright... that's good!! So I possibly ovulated on the 10th... well two days ago and today (7 dpo and 9 dpo) I wiped down there only to find a small amount of pinkish discharge. Now to me that's send a warning sign of implantation bleeding. But I'd only think it'd happen once. I'm not sure what to think... I tested and got a BFN which I expected. It's only day 28 and I've never really been normal on my cycle (although I did have my period on my own and a 29 day cycle last month). I just am overwhelmed. I don't think it could've happened this month, though. We only got to BD three times and the last being 2 days before the positive OPK. I know semen can last five days (or was it seven?) in fertile mucus and I did use pre-seed to help. I guess only time will tell. I figure if all means if I'm not pregnant the most I can ask for is getting my period on my own!
I don't know who actually is reading this. I love hearing from people though! Either way... any one who is reading this and TTC I wish you all the best.
I don't know who actually is reading this. I love hearing from people though! Either way... any one who is reading this and TTC I wish you all the best.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
Journal of an Infertile
I'll start this journal like I do any other, introducing myself. My name is Krystal, I'm 25 years old, married 7 1/2 years and I have one son, 3 year old Andrew. Obviously I'm not entirely infertile, but I've had my issues. It took us 2 1/2 years to conceive Andrew and one miscarriage along the way. I used to have another journal I wrote in before Andrew was born but I feel the need to start fresh about my fertility issues.
Before I go on... I'll tell you the issues I'm known to have. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and IR (Insulin Resistance). Yes, I'm overweight. I'm working on losing weight along with TTC #2. I really do think me getting down from 262 to 197 helped me conceive my son. Of course I'm starting over in the weight deparment since I slacked off. Word fo advice: Never let being pregnant make you slack off on eating healthy and exercising. Infact, the best thing you can do is exercise and eat right no matter where you are in life! And if you do let pregnancy get the best of you, don't slack off after delivery too!
I've always had very abnormal periods so with the help of provera and clomid I hope we can get pregnant again.
I found a poem I loved and thought it'd be nice to share, not sure the original artist.
Before I go on... I'll tell you the issues I'm known to have. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and IR (Insulin Resistance). Yes, I'm overweight. I'm working on losing weight along with TTC #2. I really do think me getting down from 262 to 197 helped me conceive my son. Of course I'm starting over in the weight deparment since I slacked off. Word fo advice: Never let being pregnant make you slack off on eating healthy and exercising. Infact, the best thing you can do is exercise and eat right no matter where you are in life! And if you do let pregnancy get the best of you, don't slack off after delivery too!
I've always had very abnormal periods so with the help of provera and clomid I hope we can get pregnant again.
I found a poem I loved and thought it'd be nice to share, not sure the original artist.
A Wish For A New Baby
I wished upon a star...
I closed my eyes and prayed,
I threw a shiny penny,
into a well each day.
The same little wish was wished,
upon my birthday cake
I asked the Lord... Please hurry,
just for heaven's sake!
I was trying to be patient,
but I had waited long enough
my wishing well with pennies,
was now completely stuffed!
I would start and end my days
repeating the same prayer,
I knew that up in heaven,
they could see I really cared.
Just when I thought I couldn't,
bear another day
it is then that I learned,
you were on your way.
All the prayers and wishes,
finally did come true
The blessing God gave me,
was my pregnancy with you!
I wished upon a star...
I closed my eyes and prayed,
I threw a shiny penny,
into a well each day.
The same little wish was wished,
upon my birthday cake
I asked the Lord... Please hurry,
just for heaven's sake!
I was trying to be patient,
but I had waited long enough
my wishing well with pennies,
was now completely stuffed!
I would start and end my days
repeating the same prayer,
I knew that up in heaven,
they could see I really cared.
Just when I thought I couldn't,
bear another day
it is then that I learned,
you were on your way.
All the prayers and wishes,
finally did come true
The blessing God gave me,
was my pregnancy with you!
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