How do you let go?

I'm always amazed by my "invisible" friends who have gone through their own trials and pain yet still have a positive outlook on things. How they are able to let go of their pain and worry? I'm always proud of how strong they are, but wonder... what do I need to do to let go of every thing I fear and am hurt from?

I usually can tell when my period will come by how I'm feeling. Obviously being that I just finished up my 5 days of provera today it should be soon, but otherwise I know because my emotions hit harder. I'm finding myself more upset reading everyone's blog because of their pains. I feel suffering for them and everything I've been through. I'm hurting and hard.

With my first miscarriage I remember being so hurt especially after trying for two years, but four months later I was comforted when I got pregnant with my beautiful son. I remember the pain slowly going away as I was filled with joy when I started filling kicks. And suddenly it was so real and worth it that the pain was gone. When our son was a year old we decided to try again so he would have a sibling to look forward to. Aldon wanted 3-5 children and I suggested 2-3, so we met in the middle with 3. So I never had my head set on only one child, even though I wouldn't change it for the world. And now going through almost 3 1/2 years of TTC and two miscarriage I'm wearing my pain on my shoulder. I'm so grateful for my son, but I always hoped he'd have a sibling of his own. All of his cousins do! I worry someday he'll ask me why he doesn't have siblings and I wouldn't know what to say. What mother wants to tell their child that they have had losses?

I know my situation could be worse, I see it when I read other blogs. My heart goes out to them so much, but seriously.. how do you get to become so strong and full of faith?

I think I might look into seeing a therapist soon, but know I want to search for one who deals with infertility and pregnancy loss. I don't know if I can find one who will show sympathy and understanding but hopefully it's possible. I love my blog because it's therapeutic writing every thing down but maybe it's time to see if there's something more I can do to get to "letting go" as well.

Any one recommend any books? Doesn't need to be pregnancy loss related even, just something to help me find peace I need.

Writing it down has helped... but I still wish I could get over the worry. Sometimes I wonder... should we keep trying if all we're faced is with miscarriages? I've seen the light out of the end of the tunnel before but cannot seem to see it right now.

Wanted to add, I know people will probably think I'm weird, but when Pandora plays this one song it makes me happy. I don't know why but I always smile and of course it played when I started writing this blog, so I had to look up the video for it:



Feel free to judge me! I know I do. LOL.

I know I haven't been here...

It's been quite some time since I have posted. My husband went on the submarine September 30th so there wasn't any TTC for quite some time, but now I'm back. Ever since my miscarriage my cycles have been different each round. This cycle I was on CD 26 before I finally ovulated (normal can be anywhere from CD 20 to CD 25), but I hardly had any EWCM - just one or two days but the rest was creamy. Normally I get 5-7 days of EWCM so this one I worry will be a bust just because the lack of quality CM. I have two temps over cover-line to confirm ovulation but I worry since my temps have been closer to coverline then normal. Infact, my temps haven't been the same since the miscarriage. Moving forward though...

We BD'd quite often this round, considering he just got home in the beginning of December so of course our hormones are a little overkill. It's been fun, however, since we haven't thought 100% of just babymaking but also of just having ourselves pleased with eachother. In time I know pregnancy will come - even though I'm emotional about it all still.

I never did update... about two months after I told my sister-in-law about my miscarriage in an E-mail she E-mailed every one announcing she was 3 months pregnant, which is where I would have been at that time. That has sent me on and off into an emotional down over these past few months. On Christmas my husband called his brother and of course I could tell where the conversation led to... I was depressed to find out they know the gender of their baby now. It made all my emotions come back to surface when I realized they knew their gender - why couldn't I be there, in the same situation.. finding out the gender of my baby instead of waiting to ovulate? It's hard sometimes.

In time the wounds will heal. I guess it's harder when she had two children under 2 and pregnant again and here I am... having an almost 4 year old son I can't seem to bless with a sibling. I'm so grateful every day for the son I have, but I don't want him to grow up wishing he could have a brother or sister to talk to and spend time with.

A "happy" birthday...

Before my doctor's appointment I went to get my blood work done and dealt with. It sucks because there was three or four people there getting prenatal blood work done. The bad thing about military hospitals and dealing with them is you get no privacy, granted the ladies talking to the front desk weren't exactly silent. So I had quite a few ladies checking in on their pregnancies and one even had a 5 month old baby with her! Say the least that made me even more depressed.

After waiting 30 minutes for my blood work I headed up to the ob/gyn clinic. More pregnant ladies. Seriously, you think the ob/gyn would schedule an appointment where there would be no pregnant ladies around but I guess there's more happy moments in pregnancy than there are bad. The person sitting across from me in the waiting room was staring at ultrasound pictures. I'm not sure whether or not to feel bad for her, I couldn't tell if she was sniffling with a cold or sniffling otherwise. I didn't see any tears though. I guess I should be feeling better I didn't get to see a heartbeat before I miscarried, but still it is painful.

The nurse and doctor I talked to were both sympathetic. The nurse told me happy birthday, and then stuttered when I told her there was nothing happy about this day and about miscarrying. I did thank her for her good intentions, though. Oddly enough my blood pressure is what I'd consider low - 103/80. The bottom number was high, but odd nonetheless. The doctor told me there was nothing I did wrong and that unfortunately these things happen. He said because of what happened there was no way to know what happened or why the baby didn't stick. He did a trans vaginal ultrasound to check things out, he measured my lining and told me it looks great and normal. After doing the ultrasound he mentioned if he didn't know my circumstances looking at the ultrasound he'd have just thought I got over having a period. In all reality - I think that is what happened. I think I had a chemical pregnancy, best described as having the embryo die after conception before it has a chance to grow and develop. Granted I don't even know if you could call it an embryo at that phase, it's just all confusing. Most likely something wrong due to the chromosomes but you just never know.

The doctor mentioned since I've been pregnant three times obviously my husband's sperm and my eggs are good. He said obviously I have been ovulating so I could start trying on my own in two months again. I mentioned my husband is leaving in less than a week on a submarine so he said we could start trying again when he gets back, in December. Unfortunately my husband hasn't been around enough to help me deal emotionally, since they're getting ready to leave I've been on my own. He was supposed to be "free" today but the submarine had issues and didn't do what they were going to do yesterday (starting everything up and checking on all the equipment) so they're doing that today and of course that means he might not even be home tonight. Soon I won't even see him and I can't even enjoy him the few days before he does, it's just depressing.

As for how I'm feeling emotionally... I'm dealing. My son and I will try to salvage tonight by eating ice cream, pizza and playing games at chuck-e cheese. Most likely I'll end it by buying my son a gift and remembering how grateful I should be that I've had one blessing. He is my birthday gift. I just hope I can keep my eyes open for all of it.

Oh, as for the beta results: 11. I'm almost done miscarrying, I guess. I guess I should also mention the dear doctor I talked to said this next time once I find out I'm pregnant since I've miscarried twice I can get in for an ultrasound earlier like 6 weeks pregnant! Not exactly how I wanted it to happen, but good to know. Good to know!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my birthday, it also is the day I will be going to a doctor to talk about my miscarriage. We'll be doing blood work in the morning and that is all I really know. I already know the blood work will be close to zero since I got a very faint positive on a pregnancy test today. It's going in the right direction. As I was looking for answers to WHY this happened I came across:

Excess weight does not contribute to a miscarriage; however, PCOS, which is common in overweight women, does create a higher statistical chance of pregnancy loss than in the general population. The reason is related to hormone imbalance. Both elevated LH and testosterone are linked to miscarriage, as is insulin resistance.

Wouldn't you know most of those issues I have? I have been diagnosed with PCOS, I have insulin resistance and last I checked my testosterone was a little higher than normal. It says treatments are available to help - but I've declined spironolactone and metformin because of how I feel on them. I focused on losing weight and lost 40 pounds since I was last tested and I know weight loss can help those issues. I guess I'm wondering did I do something wrong to cause this? I know I probably didn't, but I guess it will be something I bring up with the ob/gyn tomorrow. I'm hoping they'll do more, I just really wish they believed in testing progresterone levels.

I've been looking back on my TTC blog I had the first time I was trying for a child. I was so focused on losing weight afterward that I lost 20 pounds between my miscarriage and finding out I was pregnant again four months later. That's what I'm aiming for - losing weight again. Granted I still cannot seem to find the strength in me to start, but I will dig it up. I got a recipe book from the biggest loser and it has a few meals I'm willing to try out in there. It sucks to start over, but I know I need to do this for me. So for the next few months my discussions might be focused more on weight loss since my DH will be out on a submarine until December, when we will start to TTC again.

Honestly though... isn't it good to focus on your health along with TTC? I do believe so. I miss how I felt when I weighed less, it's time to go back!

How do you heal?

It's been a day since I started bleeding heavily, since I was told my HcG level was only 167 around 4 pm. I had gotten my blood drawn prior to the ER, at 10:30 AM that morning and I found out today it was 245. What causes a miscarriage to happen so fast? How can I be pregnant one moment and not the next? I honestly think it could have been my progesterone level, considering the first few days after ovulation I had two fall back rises, but alas the ER and my ob/gyn don't believe in testing for that. I failed to mention they're both in the naval hospital. They don't believe in helping a person out 100%... anyway, I'll never know the true issue.

All the OB nurses say at this point is if I have one more miscarriage they'll transfer me to a different Navy hospital 30+ minutes away for infertility care, I assume. What kind of help is that? I can't see a specialist here because my insurance does not approve any closeby, but they won't do anything for me. I seriously don't understand why people should have to travel so far away to be seen or helped out.

It's hard dealing and coping with it - my husband can be only here so much, he's getting prepared to go out to sea soon. I know he's hurting as much as I do - this month was painful in the first place seeing as September 8th was the one year anniversary of his mother, my mother-in-law, Patsy's death. It's harsh adding another death to that list. To make it worse I'm being checked out for a follow-up September 25th, my birthday, to make sure my beta numbers are back to 0. What a shitty birthday present, I know. Hopefully I can figure a way to make my birthday better after that point, but I know it's going to be full of tears. It was the closest appointment they had and unfortunately the most convenient one, otherwise I'd be waiting a while until they had an appointment early enough for me. We deal with what we're given I guess. I just wish the pain would fade. I feel like I have no where to go anymore. I used to talk on the TTC boards I visited when we were trying, and the pregnancy boards when we found out we're pregnant.. but I really feel depressed visiting any boards lately, especially the infertility one.

"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

Time heals all wounds... right?

Short lived

I won't be saying much, because updating every one has made me physically tired. Unfortunately my pregnancy was short-lived, today I started bleeding heavily and went into the ER. A few ultrasounds and more blood work later it was determined I'm experiencing a spontaneous miscarriage. All I can say is the pain I'm feeling due to cramping is no where near the pain I feel losing this pregnancy. Two miscarriages. It's rough. All I can do is cry and take hope knowing someday soon we'll be blessed.