A "happy" birthday...

Before my doctor's appointment I went to get my blood work done and dealt with. It sucks because there was three or four people there getting prenatal blood work done. The bad thing about military hospitals and dealing with them is you get no privacy, granted the ladies talking to the front desk weren't exactly silent. So I had quite a few ladies checking in on their pregnancies and one even had a 5 month old baby with her! Say the least that made me even more depressed.

After waiting 30 minutes for my blood work I headed up to the ob/gyn clinic. More pregnant ladies. Seriously, you think the ob/gyn would schedule an appointment where there would be no pregnant ladies around but I guess there's more happy moments in pregnancy than there are bad. The person sitting across from me in the waiting room was staring at ultrasound pictures. I'm not sure whether or not to feel bad for her, I couldn't tell if she was sniffling with a cold or sniffling otherwise. I didn't see any tears though. I guess I should be feeling better I didn't get to see a heartbeat before I miscarried, but still it is painful.

The nurse and doctor I talked to were both sympathetic. The nurse told me happy birthday, and then stuttered when I told her there was nothing happy about this day and about miscarrying. I did thank her for her good intentions, though. Oddly enough my blood pressure is what I'd consider low - 103/80. The bottom number was high, but odd nonetheless. The doctor told me there was nothing I did wrong and that unfortunately these things happen. He said because of what happened there was no way to know what happened or why the baby didn't stick. He did a trans vaginal ultrasound to check things out, he measured my lining and told me it looks great and normal. After doing the ultrasound he mentioned if he didn't know my circumstances looking at the ultrasound he'd have just thought I got over having a period. In all reality - I think that is what happened. I think I had a chemical pregnancy, best described as having the embryo die after conception before it has a chance to grow and develop. Granted I don't even know if you could call it an embryo at that phase, it's just all confusing. Most likely something wrong due to the chromosomes but you just never know.

The doctor mentioned since I've been pregnant three times obviously my husband's sperm and my eggs are good. He said obviously I have been ovulating so I could start trying on my own in two months again. I mentioned my husband is leaving in less than a week on a submarine so he said we could start trying again when he gets back, in December. Unfortunately my husband hasn't been around enough to help me deal emotionally, since they're getting ready to leave I've been on my own. He was supposed to be "free" today but the submarine had issues and didn't do what they were going to do yesterday (starting everything up and checking on all the equipment) so they're doing that today and of course that means he might not even be home tonight. Soon I won't even see him and I can't even enjoy him the few days before he does, it's just depressing.

As for how I'm feeling emotionally... I'm dealing. My son and I will try to salvage tonight by eating ice cream, pizza and playing games at chuck-e cheese. Most likely I'll end it by buying my son a gift and remembering how grateful I should be that I've had one blessing. He is my birthday gift. I just hope I can keep my eyes open for all of it.

Oh, as for the beta results: 11. I'm almost done miscarrying, I guess. I guess I should also mention the dear doctor I talked to said this next time once I find out I'm pregnant since I've miscarried twice I can get in for an ultrasound earlier like 6 weeks pregnant! Not exactly how I wanted it to happen, but good to know. Good to know!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my birthday, it also is the day I will be going to a doctor to talk about my miscarriage. We'll be doing blood work in the morning and that is all I really know. I already know the blood work will be close to zero since I got a very faint positive on a pregnancy test today. It's going in the right direction. As I was looking for answers to WHY this happened I came across:

Excess weight does not contribute to a miscarriage; however, PCOS, which is common in overweight women, does create a higher statistical chance of pregnancy loss than in the general population. The reason is related to hormone imbalance. Both elevated LH and testosterone are linked to miscarriage, as is insulin resistance.

Wouldn't you know most of those issues I have? I have been diagnosed with PCOS, I have insulin resistance and last I checked my testosterone was a little higher than normal. It says treatments are available to help - but I've declined spironolactone and metformin because of how I feel on them. I focused on losing weight and lost 40 pounds since I was last tested and I know weight loss can help those issues. I guess I'm wondering did I do something wrong to cause this? I know I probably didn't, but I guess it will be something I bring up with the ob/gyn tomorrow. I'm hoping they'll do more, I just really wish they believed in testing progresterone levels.

I've been looking back on my TTC blog I had the first time I was trying for a child. I was so focused on losing weight afterward that I lost 20 pounds between my miscarriage and finding out I was pregnant again four months later. That's what I'm aiming for - losing weight again. Granted I still cannot seem to find the strength in me to start, but I will dig it up. I got a recipe book from the biggest loser and it has a few meals I'm willing to try out in there. It sucks to start over, but I know I need to do this for me. So for the next few months my discussions might be focused more on weight loss since my DH will be out on a submarine until December, when we will start to TTC again.

Honestly though... isn't it good to focus on your health along with TTC? I do believe so. I miss how I felt when I weighed less, it's time to go back!

How do you heal?

It's been a day since I started bleeding heavily, since I was told my HcG level was only 167 around 4 pm. I had gotten my blood drawn prior to the ER, at 10:30 AM that morning and I found out today it was 245. What causes a miscarriage to happen so fast? How can I be pregnant one moment and not the next? I honestly think it could have been my progesterone level, considering the first few days after ovulation I had two fall back rises, but alas the ER and my ob/gyn don't believe in testing for that. I failed to mention they're both in the naval hospital. They don't believe in helping a person out 100%... anyway, I'll never know the true issue.

All the OB nurses say at this point is if I have one more miscarriage they'll transfer me to a different Navy hospital 30+ minutes away for infertility care, I assume. What kind of help is that? I can't see a specialist here because my insurance does not approve any closeby, but they won't do anything for me. I seriously don't understand why people should have to travel so far away to be seen or helped out.

It's hard dealing and coping with it - my husband can be only here so much, he's getting prepared to go out to sea soon. I know he's hurting as much as I do - this month was painful in the first place seeing as September 8th was the one year anniversary of his mother, my mother-in-law, Patsy's death. It's harsh adding another death to that list. To make it worse I'm being checked out for a follow-up September 25th, my birthday, to make sure my beta numbers are back to 0. What a shitty birthday present, I know. Hopefully I can figure a way to make my birthday better after that point, but I know it's going to be full of tears. It was the closest appointment they had and unfortunately the most convenient one, otherwise I'd be waiting a while until they had an appointment early enough for me. We deal with what we're given I guess. I just wish the pain would fade. I feel like I have no where to go anymore. I used to talk on the TTC boards I visited when we were trying, and the pregnancy boards when we found out we're pregnant.. but I really feel depressed visiting any boards lately, especially the infertility one.

"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

Time heals all wounds... right?

Short lived

I won't be saying much, because updating every one has made me physically tired. Unfortunately my pregnancy was short-lived, today I started bleeding heavily and went into the ER. A few ultrasounds and more blood work later it was determined I'm experiencing a spontaneous miscarriage. All I can say is the pain I'm feeling due to cramping is no where near the pain I feel losing this pregnancy. Two miscarriages. It's rough. All I can do is cry and take hope knowing someday soon we'll be blessed.

It's time to update!!

So sorry I haven't been around here the last while to update. Well I got my BFP 6 days ago!! What did I do different? Nothing. I still charted, baby danced when we had time (since he was working more), took B-complex vitamins after ovulation, took omega 3-6-9, extra vitamin C, a calcium chewable and prenatal. The only thing I really did different is stop looking into the symptoms I had when I was in the two week wait. I noticed most of my "pregnancy symptoms" were signs of an impending AF so I stopped focusing on those. I let the 2ww go at it's own pace - including telling my DH to hide the tests from me until it was time!

Well I convince him early to let me test at 11 dpo - but he gave me a blue dye and I was worried the line was an evaporation, since I've heard so many people got them. He let me try an Answer pregnancy test but the "line" on there was only seen if we looked at many different angles so I didn't trust that either. My husband had a duty day next day - so he said it'd have to be two days until I tested again. Well I cheated and went out and bought myself some dollar tree tests. A light line appeared! Went out and bought myself a digital pregnancy test and "pregnant" came up just as fast!





I got one of those little paper gift bags and tissue paper, put the tissue paper in it along with the pregnant test. I wrote a little note that said "What are you doing May 13th, 2010? Look inside!" and handed it to DH. Of course he was excited about it! I'm still waiting on the doctor to call back with my qualitative HcG # that I had done on Friday and then have to convince them for another so we can make sure it's doubling. Of course their office is slow right now and I'm on edge! I'll be making a new blog here soon to focus on the pregnancy :)