Something is missing

I'm feeling kind of in a rut lately... like something is missing. It's so frustrating and I know what I'm missing - I'm missing my babies. I don't like talking about religion much, because I know it brings up bad feelings for some people and causes arguments but my husband is Mormon and I'm Lutheran Christian. I wasn't raised the best with religion since my mother worked often (single mom) so I'm trying to find a religion for us. So we have the missionaries come over and today it stirred up bad blood in me when they made me feel like just because I'm not a Mormon I wouldn't go up to heaven and be with the children I lost. I don't know if they meant to make me feel that way - but I almost had to excuse myself in the middle since I was about to bawl. Why wouldn't I be with my children? So religion decides on what my children will mean to me when I die? I beg to differ. I also felt like they were telling me to get over it. They wouldn't understand. Anyway... I hope no one was offended in any way.



In a few weeks we'll be going to my husband's family reunion. We're heading there early so we can also spend time with my mother, which will be nice for us. And then we camp for three days, which will be interesting since I've never been camping. Since my miscarriage I have yet to ovulate or have a period, so you bet I know what I'll be packing for this trip. I'm not too excited. In fact I think that's making me more emotional - I'm waiting to finally get a period. And I'm starting to feel fear... fear I'll never get pregnant and fear that when I do I'll miscarry again. But what is worse? I cannot decide what my biggest fear is. Do I stop trying completely or do I try, fail, and try again? I'm seriously between a rock and hard place.



Did I mention I had two pregnancy announcements within a day of each other a week or so ago? I'm excited for them, but at the same time jealous. When is it our turn? Why do I not deserve it? No less one of the ladies thinks she is due when I should have been. Why is this the second miscarriage I've had when someone was due when I would have been? It hurts.