In a funk

I haven't posted in some time. I'm just not feeling it lately, I'm in a funk. It's been 3 years 5 months since we tossed out the birth control... and all I have to show for it is being heavier and adding two more miscarriages under my belt. It's just putting me in a funk. People are having gender reveals and I'm wishing I could be there. How does one graduate from trying to conceive? How long will it take?

I guess I'm worried what this cycle will bring. I was so hopeful last cycle, why I don't know, to be knocked down on my a$$ and reminded it doesn't always work like that. Why can't I be a teenager going to the prom, having sex once and getting knocked up? How is it so easy for them, but not for us? I don't understand life.

I don't get how friend's who say they're there for you never talk to you any more. Why write to me such a considerate note about wanting to be there and asking if I need any thing to help me heal, yet not ever talk to me? I don't understand why there's loss. I don't get it. I don't understand why there cannot just be happiness in life sometimes.

Anyway, it's CD 9. Today is my last day of clomid, which is good. It should be around 10 more days until I actually ovulate. My DH still has knee issues, still working on getting his strength back so I'm curious if we'll be wasting another cycle without him being able to do missionary. The only position he can do it me on top or spooning.. and well, neither of those keeps the little guys in. It's frustrating. We're planning on re-evaluating what we should do if the next cycle doesn't work.. and I'm afraid. I know what's next and I don't think I'm ready. It's been 3 1/2 years, how can I not be ready to face the facts?

I wish there was a way to take a TTC break without really doing it. I need to unwind. I need to stop thinking about what happens next and focus on the now. I wish I could get out of this little funk. I know I need to lose weight too, and I always question if my weight loss would help us out... but I don't know where to start. I've lost weight before, I kept motivated... and I'm struggling to find my way again. I need to lose weight... for future pregnancies and my health. But how? I hate being so strict.

I need a vacation. Thanks for listening to the rambling of a frustrated lady.

Mourning an anniversary

It hurts me so much today to be mourning the year anniversary since I started bleeding when I was 6w2d pregnant. After an ER visit I was told there wasn't a baby in my uterus and my HCG was diving rather quickly. To be so on top of the world and taken down so quickly hurt so much. I don't think I've healed yet.. in fact, I KNOW I haven't. I cried and cried yesterday. I lost my baby 4 days before my birthday. My child was due May 17th, the day of my husband's and my first date. It's kind of killed too special occasions in one swift strike. I don't think it helps my SIL announced a month later she was due three weeks before I should have been. She's my reminder I should have a four month old.

Tomorrow will make 4 months since my last miscarriage. The 21st and 22nd are not joyous days, as you can tell. I was 8w3d and had been spotting on and off for a week, but the ultrasound they did three days prior showed a heartbeat (although they didn't check to see the babies growth or heart rate) and told me not to worry. I knew better. I knew what to expect, or thought I was prepared. So when the 22nd came and I started bleeding heavily we went to the ER for the worst news, the little heart stopped beating. Now the jerks we know as military doctors told me I wouldn't see the baby pass. What idiots they are and I knew they were. A little less then a week later my husband and I were fooling around and as you can imagine our shock when the sac with the tiny tiny (like a lima bean size) baby came out. Talk about traumatic. We buried the little one under a rhododendron we decided to plant in memorial... appropriate as we now fight to keep the rhododendron alive. Guess some things don't live forever. And now I have my second reminder - the day I miscarried my friend found out she was due 4 weeks after I should have been. And that pregnancy was due December 29th, our wedding anniversary. Another joyous occasion that hurts now to think of celebrating instead of mourning.

Honestly I can never imagine how people change once you've had a miscarriage. My friend that's pregnant pretty much avoids me... she wrote me a considerate E-mail once about wishing there was something she could do to help but at the same time has she talked to me once since then (aside from me catching her passing by at Wally World)?

I keep questioning what did I do? Why was I the one that deserved to miscarry while someone gets to have a child? Am I that bad of a person? Does my son not deserve a sibling or is destined to be an only child the rest of his life? What connection will he have when we have another child, seeing as he'll be at least 5 1/2 or older assuming we conceive a child in the next few months? How much will I have to do to get pregnant? Will clomid work or is it a waste of the next 5 cycles? Will we need to make the 1 hour drive one way to see a RE for IUI or IVF? I wish I knew all the answers. DH asked me what I want to do today... and all I feel like is crying.

My temperature dived to cover-line today, 13 dpo. I'll be getting AF later tonight or tomorrow.

11 dpo...

And I do admit I am a POAS-aholic. I love peeing on things... well, tests in specific. I guess I was hoping I'd see a definite answer. When I was pregnant in September I got a positive 11 dpo and when I was pregnant in April I got a positive 10 dpo. So I tested.. and tested. Now I swear I see something, but that happens almost *every* cycle. I personally think it's the tests!! Probably a scheme to make you want to buy more. Or perhaps it's an addiction. Perhaps POAS is my nicotine. Is there a patch for that?

Anyway, I love showing off squinters for fun. They're like magic eye pictures - you stare long enough until you swear you see something. So here's my current magic eye:



I swear I see something, but that's my "gift" being able to see things that aren't always there. LOL.

Anyway it's been hectic with Aldon's knee out of commission due to him having knee surgery. I have to do a lot more to help out but thankfully he's slowly being able to help more (just nothing involving walking since he cannot yet). It's been a challenge, but we're dealing.

My awesome SIL (the one I really like) has some kittens she's trying to find good homes to and I said I'd take one. She lives about 7 hours away so I told her if she wants to I'd pay for her gas and set her and her kiddos up in the guest room. So she accepted! In a few weeks I'll be getting a kitten. I already have two cats and so I am hoping she'll love it here and that the cats will learn to love her.

Here's my Luna:


I can't wait to meet her and spoil her!! I love Siamese a lot, so she's already very loved. The thought of having her in a few weeks has been keeping me hopeful and semi-optimistic about this cycle. At least in the end I'll have Luna :)

1 dpo

Well today's temperature confirmed I have ovulated!! Unfortunately I didn't have EWCM, thanks to the Clomid drying me out. I had two days where most people would say it was EWCM, but I know better. It turned creamy when I rubbed it around in my fingers, so that will be marked as such. The clomid did help me ovulate a little earlier. Typically I ovulate CD 23-26, and this time I ovulated CD 19 so I'm happy! At least now if I get my period it'd be more like a 35 day cycle which is better then 40+.

My breasts are tender.. and that's a definite sign I ovulated. I tend to be weird like that since I started becoming more "regular" on my period. I don't appreciate the sensitivity, however it is becoming a good sign to know if I have ovulated or not.

And with my husband's knee killing him lately it was a challenge to BD. He suffered through sex twice (once with me on top and once spooning), but when he wound up put in a lovely piece of knee hardware we talked about using a turkey baster. We wanted to give this cycle a fair chance, so we did wind up doing it that way. That was the day before O so hopefully this cycle won't be a total bust. I'm glad to be in the 2ww, but someone please take away my pregnancy tests! I love to test early.. and well, I don't hold any promises that I'll hold out...

A year ago tomorrow... and my plan

A year ago tomorrow was such a joyous occasion. That was the day I got this:



It doesn't look like much, especially since it was a blue dye and never trusted them, but this brought such joy and worry to me. The next day confirmed my pregnancy... and we were ecstatic. How does one go from so excited to being crushed a couple weeks later? It's hard for me to imagine ever being pregnant again without devastation following. It's hard for me to imagine ever having a pregnant belly... making another nursery.. or buying baby clothes all over again.

I've been thinking about it and decided maybe we need to do certain things before pregnancy can possibly follow. Like finish certain things in the house that have been hounding me - like cleaning out the guest room which will eventually be the nursery. Just getting rid of the clutter and junk so it's less stressful when the time comes. Maybe we just need to be a bit more prepared next time... and have less things to stress about when it does happen. Who knows.

I also have been determined to become healthier. I know I need to lose weight and after reading an article on how overweight women are treated with doctors it frustrated me. Then there was a part of it about IVF and overweight women and how most doctors won't perform it unless you're under a certain BMI. I don't even know if I am, but it makes me realize if we TTC and a year down the road when we're starting IVF if I'm the same weight I am today I might not be allowed to do IVF.

A fertility website discussed the issue:

"Another issue related to body weight and IVF is safety for the patient at the egg retrieval. As can be seen in the ultrasound images below, when a woman is significantly overweight, the ovaries are usually pushed up "high" - away from the top of the vagina by the extra fatty tissue that is in the pelvis. At the time of IVF, the needle is pushed in vaginally to reach the eggs in the ovaries. If the ovaries are too high, we can not safely get the needle into the follicles to get the eggs out.

Another problem is that the ultrasound images become very "fuzzy" from the extra tissue between the probe and the ovary. Therefore, it is often difficult to clearly visualize the ovaries and the egg-containing follicles. This is shown below - the ovary in the image on the right is very fuzzy and indistinct. This makes it difficult to properly measure the follicles in the ovaries, and can also make it hard to be sure where the needle tip is located at all times during the egg retrieval procedure (a potential safety issue)."

So I wrote a list of foods I need to eat more of. Obviously it's a common sense list... but things I've lacked on. I'll still make meals, but I think I'll plan it so I can have one meal but leftovers will be for my son and my husband's leftovers. That way I can enjoy them once, but don't feel guilty when I don't eat them the next day. This will be a hard journey, but I want to do it not only for my fertility, but for my life.

Another heart breaking moment... my son is growing up so fast! He wants a big boy room instead of the nursery he has. He's 4.5 so it's time for us to move on and paint his room... but it hurts me so bad when I wonder if I'm ever going to get to do another nursery. Here is his nursery (wasn't 100% done in the pictures, but it's the best I had at the time), possibly painted in a month or two:




Goodbye, baby and hello boyhood. Man, where does the time fly?

Day 12- thing you are OCD about

Hmm this one is hard. I'm a little weird when it comes to things. I love organization, but am hardly organized. I love clean, but my house is never picture perfect. The one thing that bothers me is this - my husband putting dirty dishes on the counter. There's a freakin' sink, use it!! He does it especially after I just cleaned the counter up which irritates me the most. I don't care if the sink has dirty dishes in it, put it with them!!!! The funny thing is it doesn't bother me when *I* do it, but if he does it I want to start a war. Haha.