A year ago tomorrow... and my plan

A year ago tomorrow was such a joyous occasion. That was the day I got this:



It doesn't look like much, especially since it was a blue dye and never trusted them, but this brought such joy and worry to me. The next day confirmed my pregnancy... and we were ecstatic. How does one go from so excited to being crushed a couple weeks later? It's hard for me to imagine ever being pregnant again without devastation following. It's hard for me to imagine ever having a pregnant belly... making another nursery.. or buying baby clothes all over again.

I've been thinking about it and decided maybe we need to do certain things before pregnancy can possibly follow. Like finish certain things in the house that have been hounding me - like cleaning out the guest room which will eventually be the nursery. Just getting rid of the clutter and junk so it's less stressful when the time comes. Maybe we just need to be a bit more prepared next time... and have less things to stress about when it does happen. Who knows.

I also have been determined to become healthier. I know I need to lose weight and after reading an article on how overweight women are treated with doctors it frustrated me. Then there was a part of it about IVF and overweight women and how most doctors won't perform it unless you're under a certain BMI. I don't even know if I am, but it makes me realize if we TTC and a year down the road when we're starting IVF if I'm the same weight I am today I might not be allowed to do IVF.

A fertility website discussed the issue:

"Another issue related to body weight and IVF is safety for the patient at the egg retrieval. As can be seen in the ultrasound images below, when a woman is significantly overweight, the ovaries are usually pushed up "high" - away from the top of the vagina by the extra fatty tissue that is in the pelvis. At the time of IVF, the needle is pushed in vaginally to reach the eggs in the ovaries. If the ovaries are too high, we can not safely get the needle into the follicles to get the eggs out.

Another problem is that the ultrasound images become very "fuzzy" from the extra tissue between the probe and the ovary. Therefore, it is often difficult to clearly visualize the ovaries and the egg-containing follicles. This is shown below - the ovary in the image on the right is very fuzzy and indistinct. This makes it difficult to properly measure the follicles in the ovaries, and can also make it hard to be sure where the needle tip is located at all times during the egg retrieval procedure (a potential safety issue)."

So I wrote a list of foods I need to eat more of. Obviously it's a common sense list... but things I've lacked on. I'll still make meals, but I think I'll plan it so I can have one meal but leftovers will be for my son and my husband's leftovers. That way I can enjoy them once, but don't feel guilty when I don't eat them the next day. This will be a hard journey, but I want to do it not only for my fertility, but for my life.

Another heart breaking moment... my son is growing up so fast! He wants a big boy room instead of the nursery he has. He's 4.5 so it's time for us to move on and paint his room... but it hurts me so bad when I wonder if I'm ever going to get to do another nursery. Here is his nursery (wasn't 100% done in the pictures, but it's the best I had at the time), possibly painted in a month or two:




Goodbye, baby and hello boyhood. Man, where does the time fly?