How do you let go?

I'm always amazed by my "invisible" friends who have gone through their own trials and pain yet still have a positive outlook on things. How they are able to let go of their pain and worry? I'm always proud of how strong they are, but wonder... what do I need to do to let go of every thing I fear and am hurt from?

I usually can tell when my period will come by how I'm feeling. Obviously being that I just finished up my 5 days of provera today it should be soon, but otherwise I know because my emotions hit harder. I'm finding myself more upset reading everyone's blog because of their pains. I feel suffering for them and everything I've been through. I'm hurting and hard.

With my first miscarriage I remember being so hurt especially after trying for two years, but four months later I was comforted when I got pregnant with my beautiful son. I remember the pain slowly going away as I was filled with joy when I started filling kicks. And suddenly it was so real and worth it that the pain was gone. When our son was a year old we decided to try again so he would have a sibling to look forward to. Aldon wanted 3-5 children and I suggested 2-3, so we met in the middle with 3. So I never had my head set on only one child, even though I wouldn't change it for the world. And now going through almost 3 1/2 years of TTC and two miscarriage I'm wearing my pain on my shoulder. I'm so grateful for my son, but I always hoped he'd have a sibling of his own. All of his cousins do! I worry someday he'll ask me why he doesn't have siblings and I wouldn't know what to say. What mother wants to tell their child that they have had losses?

I know my situation could be worse, I see it when I read other blogs. My heart goes out to them so much, but seriously.. how do you get to become so strong and full of faith?

I think I might look into seeing a therapist soon, but know I want to search for one who deals with infertility and pregnancy loss. I don't know if I can find one who will show sympathy and understanding but hopefully it's possible. I love my blog because it's therapeutic writing every thing down but maybe it's time to see if there's something more I can do to get to "letting go" as well.

Any one recommend any books? Doesn't need to be pregnancy loss related even, just something to help me find peace I need.

Writing it down has helped... but I still wish I could get over the worry. Sometimes I wonder... should we keep trying if all we're faced is with miscarriages? I've seen the light out of the end of the tunnel before but cannot seem to see it right now.

Wanted to add, I know people will probably think I'm weird, but when Pandora plays this one song it makes me happy. I don't know why but I always smile and of course it played when I started writing this blog, so I had to look up the video for it:



Feel free to judge me! I know I do. LOL.

Provera & Metformin

Well, it's day 3 of provera and metformin. I am praying provera will make this cycle end soon! I expect it to be here in 7 days since it seems to usually come 10 days after my first pill or sooner. I know it's sad when others would love to not have a period, but I'm the completely opposite! Without my period I'm just stuck in a cycle from hell that I want over. I honestly think some women don't realize the blessing a period can bring! For people that are trying to conceive a period means the world to them, although it also brings the pain of another failed cycle. Why does infertility and TTC have to be so hard?

As for the metformin - I decided on that myself. I've had doctors tried to stick me on it a few times but I couldn't "stomach" the first few days and how bad I felt. Thankfully with the help of taking metformin and a Metamucil psyllium fiber capsule I'm doing just fine. I figured with my IR and PCOS it didn't hurt to actually take it, and they agreed. My doctor put me on 1500mg but I told them I could only promise the first while I'd take 500mg so I didn't upset my stomach too bad. So we'll see how it goes.

As for me designing shirts? I've been having fun with them lately and finally getting around to writing infertility shirts! I need to do more, but I'm slacking off since I'm trying to relax (that and so many ideas swarm my head I cannot keep control of it)... so perhaps I'll dedicate more time to it tomorrow. However, for your viewing pleasures here are my favorite so far:

All I want for Christmas is a BFP by Alittlebitoffun
Browse other All T-Shirts

No Fertility Advice Allowed by Alittlebitoffun
Many more t-shirts online at zazzle

The women's sizes run small, so follow their size chart. I probably will put my work on cafepress soon since they actually include plus sizes, but for now that's why I enabled it so people can chose men sizes for those shirts - because they actually go up to 6x. That and their shirts are cheaper!

Anyway, I love designing stuff. I don't sell anything, but it's fun to put my ideas into designs. Makes me feel more comforted. I'll probably be buying some of my own work soon since I would love to wear it at the ob/gyn office!

My "invisible friends"...

I don't have many people respond to my posts, or check up on me (at least not that I'm aware of)... however there's many people out there who don't know I check up on often. Any one in my follow list that's been having TTC issues or is trying to adopt I make sure to check in for updates often on my blogger front page. I find myself crying for them when they're hurting or happy for them when something wonderful happens. It's amazing how people I've never met I feel so much empathy for. For the ones who long to be mothers, who are trying to adopt but are going through some very tough hurdles, for every one.

I've noticed a lot lately there's been a lot of hardships with the majority of my invisible friends. It seems we are all struggling lately - from adoptions slipping through our hands, a majority of miscarriages, or having yet one more BFN. It's heart-aching to see. It's times like this where you realize infertility is a battle many people suffer. We each go through our own trials, our own pain, and hopefully in the end we'll all rise on top.

Amazingly when I searched Zazzle for infertility shirts I saw only 265!! 265 items addressing infertility... I was in shock. Even pregnancy loss only has 368 items. I always question - is there just not enough awareness, do people not care enough, or are some too embarrassed by the struggles that have got them to where they are today? Me? I wear my heart on my shoulder, I will sputter to any one listening about my battles.. about my triumphs and my losses. My struggles and my babies are a big part of my life.

I wish there would be a day where pregnancy loss and infertility were not apart of our vocabulary, but I know that's the trial some of us face. I wish that people would address it nicer, and others who don't know where we come from would stop their stupidity. I wish there was a day where those who never understood would feel the pain I feel for each of my invisible friends. May you all find happiness, love, and comfort.

Our detailed plan... finally

Yesterday my husband and I had a talk... of course I *had* to have it around midnight, which made it harder to have, but we figured things out between yesterday and today. We've discussed laying off trying to conceive 10 months before he gets out of the military, so there were not any extra stresses or concerns while he's hunting for a civilian job. Of course this bothers me, and might change in the future... but it gives us an idea of how long we have left until we possibly will stop. We have 19 months. 19 months left of giving it our all trying to conceive and have another baby. When looking at it as a time line it is a little scary! So we broke it down on what's next.

• First thing is my weight. This a a BIG thing, as I've got to continually focus on healthy options, exercise, and weight loss. I really feel like my weight has had a big influence on my fertility and my miscarriages, considering I have PCOS. So that means watching what choices of foods I pick and exercising. Most likely I'll consider going back on metformin to aid in my insulin levels, and just suffer while my stomach gets used to it. I have to ask about them when I talk to them next! Which should be in an hour or tomorrow, if they don't get back to me before they close. I have to still make my weight loss goal, but it's a big part of the process.

• I've called the nurses about my lack of a real period, she's talking to the doctor about if they should do hormonal tests or give me the provera. I told her that pregnancy tests are coming out negative, I know I haven't ovulated and my chart indicates pre-O temperatures still. But she'll still discuss this issue... and as much as I hate going on medically inducing a period, I'm sick of this never ending cycle so I want it done. I just went in to the nurses get a blood test, they insisted on having one done before starting provera even though I told them I know I wasn't - something about needing to ovulate to actually get pregnant. So the deal is now once that tests says I'm not pregnant I get provera to start everything we originally planned on doing months ago, before the pregnancy and miscarriage:
CD 1 - Call the ob/gyn clinic for getting appointments and blood work set up.
CD 3- Go in for Cycle Day 3 blood work, including anything related to the Clomid Challenge and Inhibin B tests
CD 5-9 - Take clomid 50mg/day
HSG done sometime in between all this, usually within a week or so after my period I believe.
CD 10 - Second test related to Clomid Challenge

And she said she'd have me having ultrasounds and checking in to see how my follicles are progressing on this.

7dpo - Progesterone test

• Going on clomid 3-6 cycles. Talked about at 3-4 months re-evaluating how things are going and if 2-3 more months is going to make a difference at all, or if it's worth going to the next step.

• Next step is IUI's, possibly IUI/Follitism (?) depending on what the doctor and us discuss. I'm not sure how many cycles makes sense on IUI's, but we discussed 3 cycles of IUI before re-evaluating again. This part becomes more struggle for us, considering we will now be heading a one hour drive to get to appointments since the only approve military RE's are in Tacoma. I think it'll be 3-6 cycles in all of IUI before we truly move on.

• After 3-6 IUI cycles heading onto IVF. This will be only 2 cycles, but even then I don't know how it will go because there usually is a wait at the military RE's office.

At that point in time we'll probably hit the 19 month mark if we get that far, so then we'll have a break. Once Aldon gets settled in with a job and a steady income we're pursuing adoption.

I feel better having a plan, but at the same time it's kind of overwhelming. Going into the OB/gyn office for blood work I tried avoiding the pregnant bellies but they were every where, of course. And one has a shirt on with a fetus saying something... cannot remember what that shirt is, but I have the sudden urge to design infertility shirts with snarky/smart-ass or some kind of other comments to wear *specifically* while at their office.

Ever have one of those days?

Ever have one of those days where you just hurt and need to address it? I'm feeling that today - so many emotions. I've been spotting the last four days, awaiting and hoping for my period. It's been about 2 months 1 week since my miscarriage and I'm ready for this to be over with. I feel like I'm in limbo, since I haven't ovulated but cannot count this as a period yet since all it's been is spotting.

Of course when I'm in limbo like this - I have to make myself bawl. Not intentionally, but it seems when I'm feeling hurt the most I listen to this song below, which makes me think of all the babies I've lost:







I know that song wasn't intended for pregnancy loss, but was wrote for another purpose... however for me it will always be about my loss. Another song I listen to on days like this is:





So as you can imagine I'm spending this time feeling what I need to... I'm hoping part of these emotions are PMS, but until I actually get a flow I don't know what to consider it. I want it to be over as well, because I'm supposed to call the ob/gyn cycle day 1 to schedule an HSG which I have to work around my husband's schedule! It sucks when you're looking forward to get a period..

I'd still appreciate if any one who has decided to do IUI's, IVF's, or adoption would respond to my blog Jump then Fall, if you don't mind!! I really think we need to go further.

I think soon I'll start working on my Zazzle's line of adoption/IF/pregnancy loss shirts... I feel like I need to.

Jump then fall

Okay, so my title was going to be "what's next?" but I was listening to Pandora and this song just came on. Kind of appropriate... considering choices while dealing with infertility really can be a jump then fall.

I've been wondering a lot about what's next. I've read many people's blogs, stories much similar to mine, and have seen a few who chose to start pursuing adoption. They've been dealing with IF or RPL issues just like me and sometimes for less time than I have so it brings me the question, what makes people pursue adoption so quickly? Or is it not "quickly"... rather that I'm behind? If that makes any sense.

I love seeing people's adoptions stories, I honestly am excited to see their updates. It just makes me wonder... where my husband and I are on the next step. And what is the next step? We haven't done everything obviously - It's been 3 years 4 months since we started TTC our second bundle of joy and have had two miscarriages since then. What should we do next? We've been doing charting for the last 12 months and the rest of the time was just having sex when we wanted to. I've done clomid two cycles about 12 months ago as well, but felt like I was too emotional on it. Come to find out... I'm just emotional!

I think we will start with 3-6 months of clomid again and see how it goes. I know clomid dries up CM so I'll be doing everything in my power those cycles to keep a "hospitable environment". But what's next after clomid? I honestly think we'll be heading down the road to IUI, but IVF afterward ? I really don't know! What has been every one's experience with IVF? How do you afford it? I'm worried since my husband and I are saving for the future since in 2 1/2 years he'll be civilian bound so I don't see how that can be an affordable option after IUI if we cannot get pregnant.

So my question for every one - what made you decide to go onto IUI, IVF or adoption? I'd love to hear from others!

Glad to be home

I honestly must say, even though I loved visiting my hometown I'm glad to be home. It's great seeing friends and family but in a way it's also tiresome. The drive, scheduling time for every one, making sure not to forget anything, etc etc. It can take a lot out of someone!

I'm glad to be able to relax at home, but at the same time now there is a lot on my my mind. On vacation you try to think less of your infertility and pregnancy losses and more on having fun. Okay, I admit I did think about it. I did check my cervical fluid (which showed me being fertile like three times during our vacation), I did weep over pregnant people and newborn babies, and I did sputter to some friends about my difficulties and my heartache. I admit the vacation wasn't always fun for that reason.

So what's in store for us? I really don't know - I still haven't had a period since my miscarriage so I haven't been able to get the HSG done. I guess I'll be starting to chart soon to make sure I didn't ovulate, but the pregnancy test I took today said BFN which doesn't surprise me. So the next few days will be getting back into the routine of checking my temperature before I get up. Fun, huh?

I wish I knew what to do next. I feel like we're at a standstill right now and I don't know which way to go. I'm need a plan... maybe that will make me feel more "in control". If only we really could be in control of our fertility!