Blessings

I don't think those who get pregnant fast realize the true blessing of a child. For someone who has waited so long to get pregnant and have a child... it truly is a miracle. Many people take life for granted. I've met quite a few people who are like that. I've known people who complain about not getting pregnant after three months, to fall pregnant the fourth. I've known people who got pregnant on a drop of a hat... who weren't ready nor expecting it to happen. Two people who were like this, in fact, had their baby within the same week of eachother. The same week I miscarried.

It's been 3 weeks since I found out I miscarried. In a way I still can't comprehend it. I've been confused. What do I want to do now? do I want to try and try again? Maybe I should lose more weight then try again? It's been a emotional roller coaster and I just want off. My horoscope for yesterday was very fitting:

You might want to give up as you realize that you don't know what you are feeling. Your emotions are stirred up by what is happening, but you're not sure which ones to trust. This confusion isn't as bad as it seems, for in your current vulnerability there is also the potential for growth. Don't try to fake it. There is no need to pretend that you have it all together.

And it's right... I don't have it all together. I don't even have a teeny tiny bit of it together. What do I do? Do I put aside what I've been trying 2 years and 4 months to do? or do I take time to lose some excess weight before I try again? I find myself taking HPTs and hoping one of them will come out positive when I know it won't. Denial is my best friend. Right now that is where I want to be.. denial. I want to believe I'm still pregnant. I want to get the thought out of my mind that I was pregnant and miscarried.

To tell the truth, I'm very weak. The best word I can think of is that I'm being a shrew. Or the word Jolene suggested, "despondent." Heartsick. Yeah, that's it. Very much without hope and deeply discouraged. Sometimes it's hard to be happy for others. I am happy for others but I can't help but coveting. So, right now, I really don't have the answers. I wish I could say things are good, but they're not.

For now I guess I'll stick to trying to lose weight. It's just a hard decision. I know I'll be sad when hearing others are getting pregnant if I work on losing weight. On the other hand, I think I'd be a little sad being overweight and pregnant. Sad, but atleast I'd be excited. And blessed. Who could forget blessed?

A long-due update

It's been months since I've posted anything to here when I really should have. For a while, though, I wasn't going to be ever needing this journal again... no more "Journal of an infertile". Until something happened. For a brief while I was pregnant. I did an HPT test January 18th and it came out positive. Actually, around 8 came out positive. I was so in shock I couldn't believe what was happening to me.

I found a creative way to tell Aldon. Since I'd be gone all day with a friend Aldon didn't know anything about what I'd found out. I had car paint so on the back window I put "We're Pregnant!" on it. I came inside and told Aldon one of the back tires had a flat. Since it was dark outside he brought a flashlight. He checked the tire then the other one... noticed something was written on the back and put the flashlight up to it. He just froze. Stared at it for atleast 20 seconds. He was soooo happy but couldn't figure what to say. He would be a daddy sometime. How sweet was that?

On the 21st it was confirmed by my Primary Care Manager that I was, indeed, pregnant. Excitement. Nervous. Happy. Scared. Worried something would go wrong. That's every emotion we felt.

Sunday, January 30th, I spotted a little. I didn't think too much about it, but Monday called my ob/gyn to be. They apologized but said they couldn't do anything because I wasn't yet a patient. All I could do is either go to the medical place on base or go to the hospital. Since I was in no pain and not bleeding anymore, I decided to do neither. Tuesday, February 1st, I started what I'd consider a period. The 6th it had ended.

On the 7th I had my first ob/gyn appointment. I told the nurse what had happened so she decided to do a urine test. It came back negative. Since I had drank a lot of water before I went (which online they suggest not to since it can dilute the urine) I demanded a blood test. I got the call the next day... negative. Ever since then I've been full of emotions. Denial. Sadness. A hole in my heart. Aldon has been feeling the same. My mother knows. His mother knows. His dad still doesn't know anything. Aldon is just too emotional. It hurts him to think that he won't be a daddy and hurts more to have to tell everyone he's announced it to. He's also scared because he doesn't know what he needs to do to help me. He doesn't realized he's already doing it just by being there for me. I need him to lean on.

Instead of overeating and getting down about it, I've done the opposite. Wednesday I restarted Weight Watchers online and have been exercising regullary. We're still not sure when to continue TTC but I don't think we'll be waiting too long to try again. I think this new Ob/gyn I was planning to go to for pregnancy I'll go to for infertility. The other doctor was great, but I've overstayed my welcome with her. She said in three months if I didn't get pregnant she'd be sending me to a endo in Jacksonville. That's not something I want right now. So I'll see how this new doctor can help my infertility and go from there. I hope she's better.