Blessings

I don't think those who get pregnant fast realize the true blessing of a child. For someone who has waited so long to get pregnant and have a child... it truly is a miracle. Many people take life for granted. I've met quite a few people who are like that. I've known people who complain about not getting pregnant after three months, to fall pregnant the fourth. I've known people who got pregnant on a drop of a hat... who weren't ready nor expecting it to happen. Two people who were like this, in fact, had their baby within the same week of eachother. The same week I miscarried.

It's been 3 weeks since I found out I miscarried. In a way I still can't comprehend it. I've been confused. What do I want to do now? do I want to try and try again? Maybe I should lose more weight then try again? It's been a emotional roller coaster and I just want off. My horoscope for yesterday was very fitting:

You might want to give up as you realize that you don't know what you are feeling. Your emotions are stirred up by what is happening, but you're not sure which ones to trust. This confusion isn't as bad as it seems, for in your current vulnerability there is also the potential for growth. Don't try to fake it. There is no need to pretend that you have it all together.

And it's right... I don't have it all together. I don't even have a teeny tiny bit of it together. What do I do? Do I put aside what I've been trying 2 years and 4 months to do? or do I take time to lose some excess weight before I try again? I find myself taking HPTs and hoping one of them will come out positive when I know it won't. Denial is my best friend. Right now that is where I want to be.. denial. I want to believe I'm still pregnant. I want to get the thought out of my mind that I was pregnant and miscarried.

To tell the truth, I'm very weak. The best word I can think of is that I'm being a shrew. Or the word Jolene suggested, "despondent." Heartsick. Yeah, that's it. Very much without hope and deeply discouraged. Sometimes it's hard to be happy for others. I am happy for others but I can't help but coveting. So, right now, I really don't have the answers. I wish I could say things are good, but they're not.

For now I guess I'll stick to trying to lose weight. It's just a hard decision. I know I'll be sad when hearing others are getting pregnant if I work on losing weight. On the other hand, I think I'd be a little sad being overweight and pregnant. Sad, but atleast I'd be excited. And blessed. Who could forget blessed?