Abbreviations are our friends...

Unfortunately there is nothing you can really do in the 2ww that is exciting. At least in the fertile phase there's a lot of BDing going on. Not saying that it isn't going on... still! During the fertile phase you have a lot to talk about. OPK's, EWCM, CP, Mittlelschmerz (if you're a person who gets that... I randomly do), etc etc. Even more to discuss if you're undergoing IUI or IVF. If you have no clue what I said in these last few sentences, you're definitely not TTC hard enough and doing your research!

Honestly TTC lingo/abbreviations remind me a lot like the Navy. My husband can have a full conversation with military abbreviations, I swear. Of course unless you have been there you have NO IDEA what they're saying. It's like me saying, "I checked an OPK today and it was pos. It coincides with my EWCM and CP which is in the SHOW phase. We BD'd until the BBT temp shift occurred and I had my dry up. I hope this 2ww will go by quickly and then we'll see a BFP! Hopefully my LP is healthy if we aren't!" I mean.. seriously. Any person who hasn't tried hard to conceive will look at me and say, "wha---huh?" I haven't ever said that to my friends or family who have had it easy. Maybe I should just to see them stumped.

Seriously, I think every one should try to stump their friends and family as well today. We need some amusement in the 2ww... right?

Those who have no clue what I said in this post:
OPK - Ovulation predictor kit
pos - positive
EWCM - egg-white cervical mucus
CP - Cervical position
SHOW - Soft, high, open, wet (fertile qualities of your CP)
BBT - Basal body temperature
BD - baby danced
2ww - two week wait
LP - luteal phase
BFP - big fat positive
TTC - trying to conceive

Did I miss any? :)

I know I haven't been here...

It's been quite some time since I have posted. My husband went on the submarine September 30th so there wasn't any TTC for quite some time, but now I'm back. Ever since my miscarriage my cycles have been different each round. This cycle I was on CD 26 before I finally ovulated (normal can be anywhere from CD 20 to CD 25), but I hardly had any EWCM - just one or two days but the rest was creamy. Normally I get 5-7 days of EWCM so this one I worry will be a bust just because the lack of quality CM. I have two temps over cover-line to confirm ovulation but I worry since my temps have been closer to coverline then normal. Infact, my temps haven't been the same since the miscarriage. Moving forward though...

We BD'd quite often this round, considering he just got home in the beginning of December so of course our hormones are a little overkill. It's been fun, however, since we haven't thought 100% of just babymaking but also of just having ourselves pleased with eachother. In time I know pregnancy will come - even though I'm emotional about it all still.

I never did update... about two months after I told my sister-in-law about my miscarriage in an E-mail she E-mailed every one announcing she was 3 months pregnant, which is where I would have been at that time. That has sent me on and off into an emotional down over these past few months. On Christmas my husband called his brother and of course I could tell where the conversation led to... I was depressed to find out they know the gender of their baby now. It made all my emotions come back to surface when I realized they knew their gender - why couldn't I be there, in the same situation.. finding out the gender of my baby instead of waiting to ovulate? It's hard sometimes.

In time the wounds will heal. I guess it's harder when she had two children under 2 and pregnant again and here I am... having an almost 4 year old son I can't seem to bless with a sibling. I'm so grateful every day for the son I have, but I don't want him to grow up wishing he could have a brother or sister to talk to and spend time with.

A "happy" birthday...

Before my doctor's appointment I went to get my blood work done and dealt with. It sucks because there was three or four people there getting prenatal blood work done. The bad thing about military hospitals and dealing with them is you get no privacy, granted the ladies talking to the front desk weren't exactly silent. So I had quite a few ladies checking in on their pregnancies and one even had a 5 month old baby with her! Say the least that made me even more depressed.

After waiting 30 minutes for my blood work I headed up to the ob/gyn clinic. More pregnant ladies. Seriously, you think the ob/gyn would schedule an appointment where there would be no pregnant ladies around but I guess there's more happy moments in pregnancy than there are bad. The person sitting across from me in the waiting room was staring at ultrasound pictures. I'm not sure whether or not to feel bad for her, I couldn't tell if she was sniffling with a cold or sniffling otherwise. I didn't see any tears though. I guess I should be feeling better I didn't get to see a heartbeat before I miscarried, but still it is painful.

The nurse and doctor I talked to were both sympathetic. The nurse told me happy birthday, and then stuttered when I told her there was nothing happy about this day and about miscarrying. I did thank her for her good intentions, though. Oddly enough my blood pressure is what I'd consider low - 103/80. The bottom number was high, but odd nonetheless. The doctor told me there was nothing I did wrong and that unfortunately these things happen. He said because of what happened there was no way to know what happened or why the baby didn't stick. He did a trans vaginal ultrasound to check things out, he measured my lining and told me it looks great and normal. After doing the ultrasound he mentioned if he didn't know my circumstances looking at the ultrasound he'd have just thought I got over having a period. In all reality - I think that is what happened. I think I had a chemical pregnancy, best described as having the embryo die after conception before it has a chance to grow and develop. Granted I don't even know if you could call it an embryo at that phase, it's just all confusing. Most likely something wrong due to the chromosomes but you just never know.

The doctor mentioned since I've been pregnant three times obviously my husband's sperm and my eggs are good. He said obviously I have been ovulating so I could start trying on my own in two months again. I mentioned my husband is leaving in less than a week on a submarine so he said we could start trying again when he gets back, in December. Unfortunately my husband hasn't been around enough to help me deal emotionally, since they're getting ready to leave I've been on my own. He was supposed to be "free" today but the submarine had issues and didn't do what they were going to do yesterday (starting everything up and checking on all the equipment) so they're doing that today and of course that means he might not even be home tonight. Soon I won't even see him and I can't even enjoy him the few days before he does, it's just depressing.

As for how I'm feeling emotionally... I'm dealing. My son and I will try to salvage tonight by eating ice cream, pizza and playing games at chuck-e cheese. Most likely I'll end it by buying my son a gift and remembering how grateful I should be that I've had one blessing. He is my birthday gift. I just hope I can keep my eyes open for all of it.

Oh, as for the beta results: 11. I'm almost done miscarrying, I guess. I guess I should also mention the dear doctor I talked to said this next time once I find out I'm pregnant since I've miscarried twice I can get in for an ultrasound earlier like 6 weeks pregnant! Not exactly how I wanted it to happen, but good to know. Good to know!

Tomorrow

Tomorrow is my birthday, it also is the day I will be going to a doctor to talk about my miscarriage. We'll be doing blood work in the morning and that is all I really know. I already know the blood work will be close to zero since I got a very faint positive on a pregnancy test today. It's going in the right direction. As I was looking for answers to WHY this happened I came across:

Excess weight does not contribute to a miscarriage; however, PCOS, which is common in overweight women, does create a higher statistical chance of pregnancy loss than in the general population. The reason is related to hormone imbalance. Both elevated LH and testosterone are linked to miscarriage, as is insulin resistance.

Wouldn't you know most of those issues I have? I have been diagnosed with PCOS, I have insulin resistance and last I checked my testosterone was a little higher than normal. It says treatments are available to help - but I've declined spironolactone and metformin because of how I feel on them. I focused on losing weight and lost 40 pounds since I was last tested and I know weight loss can help those issues. I guess I'm wondering did I do something wrong to cause this? I know I probably didn't, but I guess it will be something I bring up with the ob/gyn tomorrow. I'm hoping they'll do more, I just really wish they believed in testing progresterone levels.

I've been looking back on my TTC blog I had the first time I was trying for a child. I was so focused on losing weight afterward that I lost 20 pounds between my miscarriage and finding out I was pregnant again four months later. That's what I'm aiming for - losing weight again. Granted I still cannot seem to find the strength in me to start, but I will dig it up. I got a recipe book from the biggest loser and it has a few meals I'm willing to try out in there. It sucks to start over, but I know I need to do this for me. So for the next few months my discussions might be focused more on weight loss since my DH will be out on a submarine until December, when we will start to TTC again.

Honestly though... isn't it good to focus on your health along with TTC? I do believe so. I miss how I felt when I weighed less, it's time to go back!

How do you heal?

It's been a day since I started bleeding heavily, since I was told my HcG level was only 167 around 4 pm. I had gotten my blood drawn prior to the ER, at 10:30 AM that morning and I found out today it was 245. What causes a miscarriage to happen so fast? How can I be pregnant one moment and not the next? I honestly think it could have been my progesterone level, considering the first few days after ovulation I had two fall back rises, but alas the ER and my ob/gyn don't believe in testing for that. I failed to mention they're both in the naval hospital. They don't believe in helping a person out 100%... anyway, I'll never know the true issue.

All the OB nurses say at this point is if I have one more miscarriage they'll transfer me to a different Navy hospital 30+ minutes away for infertility care, I assume. What kind of help is that? I can't see a specialist here because my insurance does not approve any closeby, but they won't do anything for me. I seriously don't understand why people should have to travel so far away to be seen or helped out.

It's hard dealing and coping with it - my husband can be only here so much, he's getting prepared to go out to sea soon. I know he's hurting as much as I do - this month was painful in the first place seeing as September 8th was the one year anniversary of his mother, my mother-in-law, Patsy's death. It's harsh adding another death to that list. To make it worse I'm being checked out for a follow-up September 25th, my birthday, to make sure my beta numbers are back to 0. What a shitty birthday present, I know. Hopefully I can figure a way to make my birthday better after that point, but I know it's going to be full of tears. It was the closest appointment they had and unfortunately the most convenient one, otherwise I'd be waiting a while until they had an appointment early enough for me. We deal with what we're given I guess. I just wish the pain would fade. I feel like I have no where to go anymore. I used to talk on the TTC boards I visited when we were trying, and the pregnancy boards when we found out we're pregnant.. but I really feel depressed visiting any boards lately, especially the infertility one.

"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."

Time heals all wounds... right?

Short lived

I won't be saying much, because updating every one has made me physically tired. Unfortunately my pregnancy was short-lived, today I started bleeding heavily and went into the ER. A few ultrasounds and more blood work later it was determined I'm experiencing a spontaneous miscarriage. All I can say is the pain I'm feeling due to cramping is no where near the pain I feel losing this pregnancy. Two miscarriages. It's rough. All I can do is cry and take hope knowing someday soon we'll be blessed.

It's time to update!!

So sorry I haven't been around here the last while to update. Well I got my BFP 6 days ago!! What did I do different? Nothing. I still charted, baby danced when we had time (since he was working more), took B-complex vitamins after ovulation, took omega 3-6-9, extra vitamin C, a calcium chewable and prenatal. The only thing I really did different is stop looking into the symptoms I had when I was in the two week wait. I noticed most of my "pregnancy symptoms" were signs of an impending AF so I stopped focusing on those. I let the 2ww go at it's own pace - including telling my DH to hide the tests from me until it was time!

Well I convince him early to let me test at 11 dpo - but he gave me a blue dye and I was worried the line was an evaporation, since I've heard so many people got them. He let me try an Answer pregnancy test but the "line" on there was only seen if we looked at many different angles so I didn't trust that either. My husband had a duty day next day - so he said it'd have to be two days until I tested again. Well I cheated and went out and bought myself some dollar tree tests. A light line appeared! Went out and bought myself a digital pregnancy test and "pregnant" came up just as fast!





I got one of those little paper gift bags and tissue paper, put the tissue paper in it along with the pregnant test. I wrote a little note that said "What are you doing May 13th, 2010? Look inside!" and handed it to DH. Of course he was excited about it! I'm still waiting on the doctor to call back with my qualitative HcG # that I had done on Friday and then have to convince them for another so we can make sure it's doubling. Of course their office is slow right now and I'm on edge! I'll be making a new blog here soon to focus on the pregnancy :)

CD 3

Yes, last cycle was also a bum cycle again. I was *so* sure I was pregnant. Maybe thinking I was pregnant is what caused me to feel all those symptoms, I guess I'll never know. I guess I can look forward to the fact my period came on it's own for the third month in a row. This round it was a 35 day cycle, which is still good and a lot better improvement then not having one for 2-9 months at a time. I'm just still stuck in a funk about the whole situation - I just felt it was time and was denied again. I think this next round I'll have to try to hold out on testing until at least 13dpo, it will save me tests and hopefully my sanity too.

I have been trying to decide these past few days whether or not I should be taking clomid. I feel more depressed when PMS hits on clomid. I feel like bawling more then normal. It's been two months on clomid so maybe it's time for a break. I'm just hoping I still can ovulate without the use of clomid. I wish I had used charting longer then maybe I'd know if my body could do it on it's own. It's odd but I had a dream just this morning telling me to make sure I BD because I'm going to ovulate early. Just in case it's true, I'll make sure and dance the dance more!

Sorry if I'm chattering, it's been a long day. The good thing is tomorrow we're going to see some of DH's relatives (his brother, his brother's wife and son, and his father). We plan to hit the Seattle zoo so hopefully everything goes well!! Should be an exciting and fun day which means I have to get everything prepared!

CD 21

I'm already 21 days into my cycle. I was sure I posted an update or two before then. I must be spacing off lately!!! Well yesterday OPK's and my clearblue easy fertility monitor (CBEFM) both confirmed ovulation is going to happen soon! Yay! I had the most intense cramps yesterday but they've gone away today. Temperature still is low so I either am ovulating or going to soon so hopefully my temps spike tomorrow.

CD 11

Today is now CD 11. I finished my clomid yesterday since I started it a day late, I just hope a day does not make a difference. Then again if it benefits me I'm all for it! Using my Clearblue easy fertility monitor (CBEFM) daily. Still says low fertility. The first month it starts it so early to try and get used to your cycles. Means I'll be going through probably 20 sticks too!! They want you to always use test sticks in packs of ten. So even if it detects fertility it wants you to continue after it, which I guess you don't really need to do. If I have to use over 20 I'll refuse! I just hope it shows peak fertility soon.

My CM is starting to show it's fertile. It's turning eggwhite and stretchy so I hope that means good news! I'll be keeping an eye on everything. I know a lot of women think it's a burden but I think it's helping me learn more about my body. I mean, honestly how many women know that their cervix changes positions different time in their cycle? Certainly not me!

Anyway, baby dust to all :)

Wasn't my month

I knew the odds were against me last month since we only had 3 BD days before he was sent back out on a submarine for a while. It was roughly near my ovulation time too but I don't think we planned it right. Or it just wasn't enough. We're working on it! But good news is May 23rd I got another period on my own!! A 31 day cycle this round. So two months in a row my periods have been normal and that's more than I could ever ask for is a normal body!!

I've been starting to BBT chart. For the last week now. Post-ovulation temps were 98.1-98.3 range, once my period hit my temps have ranged 97.0-97.3. I've been working on charting cervical feel and position along with cervical fluids. I decided to buy a clearblue easy fertility monitor (aka CBEFM) and hopefully it will be here tomorrow. Since it'd be coming probably after my first morning urine (since tomorrow is CD 5 and that's the last you can start using it on this thing and I got it scheduled for overnight delivery) I was thinking of catching my first urine and putting it in the fridge until it was time. We'll see if that works! If all means I can remove the old data and start fresh next month, but hopefully there won't be a next month.

Well since clomid 50mg was a bust, I'm supposed to be on either 100 or 150mg. I'm pretty sure he'll only put me on 100mg. I called the nurse and left a message saying I NEED him to fill the prescription asap because tomorrow is CD 5 and I take it CD5-9. So hopefully they hurry up because today may be the only time I have to pick it up. I'll update later!

Confusing

I had an Answer OPK test show a + on the 9th, day 18. Alright... that's good!! So I possibly ovulated on the 10th... well two days ago and today (7 dpo and 9 dpo) I wiped down there only to find a small amount of pinkish discharge. Now to me that's send a warning sign of implantation bleeding. But I'd only think it'd happen once. I'm not sure what to think... I tested and got a BFN which I expected. It's only day 28 and I've never really been normal on my cycle (although I did have my period on my own and a 29 day cycle last month). I just am overwhelmed. I don't think it could've happened this month, though. We only got to BD three times and the last being 2 days before the positive OPK. I know semen can last five days (or was it seven?) in fertile mucus and I did use pre-seed to help. I guess only time will tell. I figure if all means if I'm not pregnant the most I can ask for is getting my period on my own!

I don't know who actually is reading this. I love hearing from people though! Either way... any one who is reading this and TTC I wish you all the best.

Journal of an Infertile

I'll start this journal like I do any other, introducing myself. My name is Krystal, I'm 25 years old, married 7 1/2 years and I have one son, 3 year old Andrew. Obviously I'm not entirely infertile, but I've had my issues. It took us 2 1/2 years to conceive Andrew and one miscarriage along the way. I used to have another journal I wrote in before Andrew was born but I feel the need to start fresh about my fertility issues.

Before I go on... I'll tell you the issues I'm known to have. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and IR (Insulin Resistance). Yes, I'm overweight. I'm working on losing weight along with TTC #2. I really do think me getting down from 262 to 197 helped me conceive my son. Of course I'm starting over in the weight deparment since I slacked off. Word fo advice: Never let being pregnant make you slack off on eating healthy and exercising. Infact, the best thing you can do is exercise and eat right no matter where you are in life! And if you do let pregnancy get the best of you, don't slack off after delivery too!

I've always had very abnormal periods so with the help of provera and clomid I hope we can get pregnant again.

I found a poem I loved and thought it'd be nice to share, not sure the original artist.

A Wish For A New Baby

I wished upon a star...
I closed my eyes and prayed,
I threw a shiny penny,
into a well each day.

The same little wish was wished,
upon my birthday cake
I asked the Lord... Please hurry,
just for heaven's sake!

I was trying to be patient,
but I had waited long enough
my wishing well with pennies,
was now completely stuffed!

I would start and end my days
repeating the same prayer,
I knew that up in heaven,
they could see I really cared.

Just when I thought I couldn't,
bear another day
it is then that I learned,
you were on your way.

All the prayers and wishes,
finally did come true
The blessing God gave me,
was my pregnancy with you!