In a funk

I haven't posted in some time. I'm just not feeling it lately, I'm in a funk. It's been 3 years 5 months since we tossed out the birth control... and all I have to show for it is being heavier and adding two more miscarriages under my belt. It's just putting me in a funk. People are having gender reveals and I'm wishing I could be there. How does one graduate from trying to conceive? How long will it take?

I guess I'm worried what this cycle will bring. I was so hopeful last cycle, why I don't know, to be knocked down on my a$$ and reminded it doesn't always work like that. Why can't I be a teenager going to the prom, having sex once and getting knocked up? How is it so easy for them, but not for us? I don't understand life.

I don't get how friend's who say they're there for you never talk to you any more. Why write to me such a considerate note about wanting to be there and asking if I need any thing to help me heal, yet not ever talk to me? I don't understand why there's loss. I don't get it. I don't understand why there cannot just be happiness in life sometimes.

Anyway, it's CD 9. Today is my last day of clomid, which is good. It should be around 10 more days until I actually ovulate. My DH still has knee issues, still working on getting his strength back so I'm curious if we'll be wasting another cycle without him being able to do missionary. The only position he can do it me on top or spooning.. and well, neither of those keeps the little guys in. It's frustrating. We're planning on re-evaluating what we should do if the next cycle doesn't work.. and I'm afraid. I know what's next and I don't think I'm ready. It's been 3 1/2 years, how can I not be ready to face the facts?

I wish there was a way to take a TTC break without really doing it. I need to unwind. I need to stop thinking about what happens next and focus on the now. I wish I could get out of this little funk. I know I need to lose weight too, and I always question if my weight loss would help us out... but I don't know where to start. I've lost weight before, I kept motivated... and I'm struggling to find my way again. I need to lose weight... for future pregnancies and my health. But how? I hate being so strict.

I need a vacation. Thanks for listening to the rambling of a frustrated lady.