Struggling with my weight

We will be doing another clomid cycle this round and have said after 3 cycles we'd re-discuss whether or not we think another 3 cycles of clomid would do any good or to move onto the next subject - IUI. I honestly think this will be the last cycle of clomid. Honestly it hasn't done us much good in the past - we only got pregnant once with it. For a break down we got pregnant after 4 months of clomid, miscarried, got pregnant 4 months later naturally and delivered our wonderful son, got pregnant naturally in September 2009 and pregnant naturally April 2010. So I'm thinking if it doesn't work this cycle, we need to try something else.

However this post really isn't about that.. it's about my weight. I'm really struggling with it. I'll be honest, I weigh in at 240 pounds. This past year I cannot seem to get my weight down. Granted I haven't gave it my all, which is what I *need* to do because of my insulin resistance and PCOS. I feel like they're fighting my weight efforts sometimes! However I am to the point I know I need to lose it. I'm sick of my weight, I feel unhealthy, and I worry often how my weight is playing in my health. What is the point of trying to get pregnant if I might have complications DUE to them?

Whew, almost thought I lost all my typing since I opened up another website on this tab! Whoops. Anyway, I really know I need to lose it. I just don't know how to start. My weight history has it's ups and downs, mostly ups. I've been heavy since I was a child, although I held it really well back then. I never looked like I was 180 when I was 17. Then I got married and ballooned up. When I miscarried in 2005 I was 220, down from being a high of 267 pounds. It took 1 1/2 years to accomplish that much... and let's face it, I wasn't loyal. So I lost 25ish pounds in 4 months then got pregnant with my son. I couldn't imagine dealing with pregnancy at my highest weight and honestly I'm not too far off of being that again.

So I need to figure out what will work for me. I used to be so loyal working out at home, but it gets old. I miss going to the gym and having a personal trainer like I did back when we lived on base in Georgia. I think I'll just have to push myself to do it at home again - I don't think it's worth driving 10 miles to get to the gym on base. Well, maybe it is... but that will probably come in the future. I have the means to exercise at home, so I should.

Hopefully I can figure a combination of eating and exercising that will help me lose quicker then it took last time. Perhaps I need to check out weight watchers online again?

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is smile

Yesterday me and DH were butting heads pretty hard. It all started because I got a phone call from my friend M and she said she invited 10 other couples last week, but forgot to invite us to her Halloween Party.. the day of!! She said it was a costume party but we had an excuse not to and that we could bring candy. So all day I felt insulted by it. The only ones forgotten, thanks! I don't care if you're 26 weeks pregnant or not, you don't forget friends! I know I wouldn't. But that made us butt heads all day because I was taking it personal (every lady I talked to said they would too) and he wasn't taking it personal. So whatever.

We went to Party City... spend an HOUR there to find us costumes. In the end we spent $65 on candy and "costumes" (a vampire cape, a devil cape, some earrings, one of those pitchforks devils have, and some vampire teeth). We would've gone as something more but I found out quickly plus size to companies is 175-200 pounds. What an insult yet again! So we butted heads on that as well.

Of course she had every one there decide to had the best couple costumes and individual costume. You can imagine it wasn't us! We did enjoy ourselves otherwise, so it was good. And our son did have a blast hanging out with their twin 5 year olds. He always loves hanging out with them and doesn't get to often.

Today I woke up, took my temperature... it's plummeted. Along with that and the spotting I've been having I know I'm out and waiting for AF (Aunt Flo) to show. She's always an unwelcome visitor in my house. I know she'll make her grand entrance later today. This sucks.

Bummed out...

Yesterday night I had another dream, this time it wasn't as pleasant of a dream. I remember being in the ob/gyn's office pregnant this time. I had the nurse or someone come in and tell me that I'm miscarrying. I started screaming and yelling about how unfair this was and went off on it all. I remember seeing the looks of other pregnant ladies and was told to leave because I was upsetting the other pregnant ladies, but I didn't care. I woke up... my temperature is still high. Took a pregnancy test. BFN. 13 dpo and a BFN! This cycle sucks. I can officially say I'm out. I know there's no way I'll be seeing a BFP this cycle, unless it's a miracle. AF is due tomorrow.

I'm just bummed. I hate trying and trying to see BFN's every cycle!! I hate comparing my charts because I see my two charts where I was pregnant and then am reminded I've miscarried twice. I should have a 5 month old or be 30 weeks pregnant! Why the hell is that fair that I don't get to keep my pregnancies but those who got pregnant near me are blessed and never have had to worry about it? Why is it fair! I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on anyone, but why? What did I do to deserve not having a 5 month old? Right now I'd be cheering them on while they try to crawl and sit up. Instead I'm expecting my period tomorrow.

I'm in a foul mood. Hopefully I'll get over it soon... but I'm just so frustrated with TTC and everything. It sucks to see every one else around me get pregnant, but I'm on the sidelines. I cannot even muster a congratulations lately.

I hate this feeling...

When I woke up this morning I felt hopeful. I woke up from a dream which I saw a BFP pregnancy test, then it all seemed to flash before my eyes. I don't remember much but I think I was given a glimpse of pregnancy and everything else. That's how quickly it went, but the part that really stuck out was the BFP.

I was hoping this morning it was a good sign when I took a pregnancy test. BFN. Figures. I'm now mad at my dreams and feeling let down. I know 12 dpo is still early, I know my temps aren't going down yet which is a good sign. But still I have this fear in 2-3 days I'll be greeting AF again.

I really don't get it. Why have I been feeling nauseous? I don't normally feel like I really wish I could puke unless I'm pregnant. Why would I feel so hot all the time, no matter the temperature? Why would I feel like this for nothing? I feel like the world is against me. All I'm asking is for a sibling for my son, is that so hard to ask for? I know they say things happen for a reason, but why infertility? Why can someone who doesn't deserve to be pregnant have kids? Why do couples who totally deserve them cannot have them? This universe is backwards.

Done venting.. for now. Just wait until AF hits. LOL.

I'm a bitch

I don't want to come off wrong, but I'm annoyed that my friend wants to adopt a girl in the future. Now before you throw rocks, hear me out. I've known my friend since high school. She's a semi-nice gal, who personally I think met the wrong man. When she was younger and dating him she got pregnant. He wanted an abortion and she agreed so they went through with it. Shortly after she married him! And they got pregnant AGAIN! This time I guess it was more convenient to keep the baby, even though it wasn't that much difference in time! So now they have two boys...

Well, her husband she complains about ALL the time! Her husband doesn't spend much time with the boys, the boys act out, she complains about the boys and said before she wonders why she ever had them, she complains that her husband will come home and take naps all the time, go into his room and just play computer games all night. HELLO!! WTF?! So about two weeks ago she talked to me about divorcing him. I said it sounds like it would help out, because let's face it he's a horrible father. She also once complained to me about finances, less then a week later her husband had bought a yellow corvette that is a transformers car? I don't get it, but was amazed she could go from complaining about struggling to him getting that. Whatever.

Well they came to talking over things and now are such a "good family" and all, now she's saying they want to now adopt a girl! This is the gal who told me when I said I had a miscarriage "I can't have any more children due to my disease". Wow, thanks for NOT acknowledging I miscarried and trying to make it a "poor you" situation. I also talked of our struggles and she was like "Oh, he can get me pregnant just by looking at me".

So perhaps, yes, I'm a bitch... but she's always complaining about everything. No less she can say everything she's said to me, still want to be married to this dickhead, and want to put another child into that situation?

Not feeling so hot...

Or rather, I'm feeling *too* hot. The last few days have been interesting - I've been having a lot more heartburn, I feel nauseous all day, and I'm in a constant state of hot. I feel like my internal thermostat is set too high and I'm flushed feeling. I'm not sick either... no fever. So I don't know what is going on or what to think.

I totally feel like crap!! I'm 10 dpo so I cannot determine if I'm having pregnancy symptoms or not. I usually don't feel this way unless I am pregnant, but I'm not trying to get my hopes up too high. I'm praying that I am (who TTC doesn't?) because if I'm not pregnant then I sure as hell am a little sick. Hopefully I feel better soon. Only reason I'd totally not mind feeling this way is if I was. That at least is worth the ill feelings!!

Enough whining. I'll shut up. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Isn't that *low*?

Got my progesterone results in, it was 9.45 ng/ml. But isn't that low? Every where I've looked it says "A progesterone test is done to confirm ovulation. When a follicle releases its egg, it becomes what is called a corpus luteum and produces progesterone. A level over 5 probably indicates some form of ovulation, but most doctors want to see a level over 10 on a natural cycle, and a level over 15 on a medicated cycle."

I'm on 100mg of clomid and so it should be higher going off all the websites. I asked her what it means if I get/found out I'm pregnant and she said I should be going on progesterone supplements. So I don't know. I don't know if I should be confident in this # or not. I had an 18 ng/ml progesterone level a few months back when I wasn't on clomid, so will a lower once have more issues? I wish I had the answer.

Perhaps I should consider going to the RE earlier?

8 dpo and fears

Well it's 8dpo, my temperature is actually looking really good and going up every day. I know a triphastic can mean jack since I've had it happen one cycle where I wasn't pregnant, and one cycle where I was pregnant. However it's not that I'm paying attention to, although I admit it is trying to get my spirits up... it's the fact my body is starting to behave itself. Usually by this point my temps start going nuts and going down and up a ton. It never usually sticks to just going upward... so it's great. I'm hoping that means when I get my progesterone blood work done today it shows a better number then last time.

I'm kind of scared about what's next. We've been trying to conceive our second child for 3 1/2 years now and we're still on clomid (I was on it last year for two cycles, and this is our second cycle this round). I've seen people who have tried conceiving 1 year go to the next phase... and I always wonder why I haven't taken that leap. Perhaps I'm afraid we'll put more money into it... and still come out empty handed. One of the things is I feel like if I don't lose weight then perhaps IUI or IVF wouldn't work the way it is supposed to. If we don't get pregnant this cycle we'll have one more clomid cycle before we re-evaluate if we should bother doing clomid for three months more or not. It's all a whirlwind of nerves and emotions. I guess when we dream of families we never dream of how long it will take. Hopefully I'll figure it all out soon... one more cycle to go before we reconsider the next phase. It's coming up quickly.

Changed the blog look

Well for now, until I decide to pay for my blog being edited, I found myself a free blog template!! Where? Lellou Blogs has some great free templates (with some terms of use you should check out if you decide to snag one), a handful of pre-made templates you can buy, and also takes orders for custom blog designs. She does fabulous stuff (and no, I'm not being paid a dime!)

So I like it for the time being. Perhaps one day I'll buy a design that fits me better - but for now this works :)

Remembering the losses

Today is October 15th, which happens to be pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I decided to write my full story here, which I also posted on Facesofloss.com and am copying that for every one to see my story.

Krystal
Miscarried February 2005 at 6 weeks
September 21st, 2009 at 6 weeks 2 days
and May 22nd, 2010 at 8 weeks 3 days

I've wanted a family basically since I was younger, like most women do. It starts with meeting a boy, then falling in love, getting married, and then dreaming of how big your family will be. We married December 2001 and talked about how many children we most likely would have. I said 2-3, he said 3-5... so we decided 3 was a good number. Life has had different plans.

I've been diagnosed with many things down the road on this journey. I've been diagnosed vitamin d deficient, insulin resistant and having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I was first diagnosed with PCOS because I went off birth control when we started our TTC journey and didn't have a period for over 9 months. I had signs of PCOS (dark skin in the groin area, facial hair, infertility, absent period) and it was later confirmed years down the road via ultrasound.

I had my first miscarriage February 2005. We had been trying 2 years to get pregnant so we were excited when it finally happened. I'd say back then I was ignorant, like most people are before they experience a loss. When I got the positive result I got a pregnancy test confirmed by my doctor a few days later, set up an ob/gyn appointment for a week or so later and was thrilled. I started cramping and bleeding about a week before my appointment, but it was a weekend so I had to wait to call. I called the doctor that Monday and was told since I was a new patient I would have to wait until my appointment to see what was going. I was so frustrated. When my appointment finally came around they did a urine test and told me it was negative. I was in denial. Since I'd drank a lot of water prior to the appointment I demanded a blood test.. negative as well. We were crushed. My whole world went tumbling down that day.

Eventually things did get brighter, and we were blessed with one who spent a couple days in the NICU due to breathing issues. In April 2007 we had decided to start trying to conceive again and build our family more. We found out quickly it wouldn't be easy again. We found out I was pregnant after charting 3 months and already 2 1/2 years of trying to conceive. September 21st, 2009 (4 days before my birthday) at 6w2d I started bleeding. We went to the emergency room and was told my HCG was falling and there was no baby on the ultrasound. It was devastating.

We started trying to conceive again 2 1/2 months after the miscarriage although my basal body temperature was wacky and my cycle weren't the same. In April we found out we were expecting again. As you can imagine we were over the moon. By this time I was told I'd have earlier ultrasounds to check development and also be given more beta draws. The HCG draws weren't doubling normally, but the doctor wasn't concerned. I was, I was petrified. We kept having betas drawn and they would always go up, but never double in time. Still they didn't worry. At my 6w1d ultrasound (I charted and knew where I was in my pregnancy) there was only a gestational sac with a fetal pole that was around 5w4d in measurement. My HCG was only 3586 mIU/mL! I was so nervous, they still weren't. They decided to do another ultrasound a week later. I was 7w1d. This time they found a baby measuring 6w1d in there with a heartbeat, my HCG was only 4134 mIU/ML that same afternoon. Not even doubling in a week! 7w4d I started spotting and was concerned so I called the doctor. They had me come in the day after (8w even) and gave a quick ultrasound showing the baby's heart was still beating away. They didn't take measurements or check to see how the heart rate was, which concerned me. That's the last time I saw such a beautiful flicker. 8w3d, May 22nd 2010 I started bleeding heavily. I went to the ER and was told my sweet baby's heart stopped.

I still haven't recuperated from the losses. Life has been harder since people around me keep having pregnancy announcements and being due when I should have been. I'm happy for them, but wondering what I did wrong. Not many people around me acknowledge I've lost three babies, which makes life harder. I wish people would sometimes tell me, "I'm there for you when you need me, if you need me" sometimes. Just remember there are people out there going through the same thing as you and they wish they could wrap their arm around you and tell you how strong you are, no matter if you feel like you are or not.

Show & Tell - My Cats

I figured I'd do a show & tell this week!! Today I'm going to introduce my 3 cats.



This is Jasmine. When we lived in South Carolina, in the beginning of 2004, our neighbors had a cat run into their house and was VERY pregnant. This was her. I talked them into letting me have her and they accepted. No one claimed her as their own and in Navy it's typical on base for owners to leave their animals behind, unfortunately. She loves being outside, but we don't let her go out and when we do we make sure she doesn't go any where we don't want her to. She's not as playful as she used to be, we don't know her age but we believe she's 10 years. She loves sunbathing and being a lap kitty most of the day. She's a sweet one. She has claimed my husband as hers most of the day.




This is Boots. He's actually Jasmine's baby boy. He was born March 29, 2004 but still acts like our baby! He used to actually fetch toys, but has wised up since then. He isn't as active as normal, but does love chasing Jasmine every-so-often and loves snuggling with her. He loves when we sleep so he can get between us and go under the covers. He LOVES sunbathing. He's pretty much a Garfield lately. As you can see in the picture, he loves begging for things - like treats. He's a snuggler and we love that.



This is Luna, she is our newest member. My SIL's grandmother had three kittens dropped off at her doorstep and my SIL didn't want animal control called to take them away so she gave them all homes. I told her I'd take one and pay for her drive down so last Friday, the 8th, her and her family came to visit for a short while and gave me Luna! Luna is a character. She loves attacking everything. She doesn't stop for nothing, but doesn't mind us grabbing her and petting her for a short while. She's adventurous and loves discovering new things to play with. She's a lovely kitten and fits in perfectly. Our two others are still adjusting to her, but they do play with her every-so-often. I believe my niece named her Luna, but I really think it is short for Lunatic. LMAO.

I'm sure it wasn't that amusing reading about my cats. They're my babies, though and I love them.

And we're off.. again

Today should be 2 dpo, which is good. Seems on clomid my body consistently likes to ovulate CD 19, which is an improvement from what normally happens. I do like the consistency of knowing when it will happen versus waiting and waiting. It's likely that in a few cycles we'll be off the clomid and back to in consistence again which blows. I have a fear we'll be doing the next step soon - IUI. It's not a bad thing, I'm just nervous. It's an hour drive away and with the Navy I don't see it working out as planned. I'm just nervous to stick my all into it (wait, I've already been doing that) and coming up empty handed.

Let's face it.. I know I need to lose weight. I look at pictures people take of me and I see it - what I never wanted to be. I don't like the weight I'm at... and with PCOS and IR reeking havoc I know the extra weight isn't good on my body and reproductive organs. Today I need to find my way... start working on what will work for me. I'll probably have to do what I did that eventually led to me getting pregnant with my son, which is getting to that 200-even mark. That's around 40 pounds to go. I always question how did I get to this point and am determined to say goodbye to the weight. I lost the weight slowly before, with cleaner eating and exercising to Slim in 6. I'll be doing it similar, but this time I have more videos to work out to. I'm hoping I can lose weight better then last time, but I know it'll take being more strict. Getting off the sugar foods, watching portions, more lean meats, fruits and vegetables. I'll probably take before and after shots like I did last time. Last time this was my results:



In those 5 months I lost roughly 25-30 pounds. I know I wasn't trying as hard as I could have either. The April picture was less then a month before I found out I was pregnant, at 197 pounds. I know at that point I was still hefty, but my body sorted itself out. I want to get there again and know I can if I concentrate on it. So I have to learn to balance my time and focus on foods that are better for me.

In other news... SIL and her family came to visit this past weekend. It was nice having them over :) They came with Luna, who has been "adopted" into our family. She's frisky, crazy and never stops going (unless she's sleeping). Welcome to our family, Luna.