Remembering the losses

Today is October 15th, which happens to be pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I decided to write my full story here, which I also posted on Facesofloss.com and am copying that for every one to see my story.

Krystal
Miscarried February 2005 at 6 weeks
September 21st, 2009 at 6 weeks 2 days
and May 22nd, 2010 at 8 weeks 3 days

I've wanted a family basically since I was younger, like most women do. It starts with meeting a boy, then falling in love, getting married, and then dreaming of how big your family will be. We married December 2001 and talked about how many children we most likely would have. I said 2-3, he said 3-5... so we decided 3 was a good number. Life has had different plans.

I've been diagnosed with many things down the road on this journey. I've been diagnosed vitamin d deficient, insulin resistant and having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I was first diagnosed with PCOS because I went off birth control when we started our TTC journey and didn't have a period for over 9 months. I had signs of PCOS (dark skin in the groin area, facial hair, infertility, absent period) and it was later confirmed years down the road via ultrasound.

I had my first miscarriage February 2005. We had been trying 2 years to get pregnant so we were excited when it finally happened. I'd say back then I was ignorant, like most people are before they experience a loss. When I got the positive result I got a pregnancy test confirmed by my doctor a few days later, set up an ob/gyn appointment for a week or so later and was thrilled. I started cramping and bleeding about a week before my appointment, but it was a weekend so I had to wait to call. I called the doctor that Monday and was told since I was a new patient I would have to wait until my appointment to see what was going. I was so frustrated. When my appointment finally came around they did a urine test and told me it was negative. I was in denial. Since I'd drank a lot of water prior to the appointment I demanded a blood test.. negative as well. We were crushed. My whole world went tumbling down that day.

Eventually things did get brighter, and we were blessed with one who spent a couple days in the NICU due to breathing issues. In April 2007 we had decided to start trying to conceive again and build our family more. We found out quickly it wouldn't be easy again. We found out I was pregnant after charting 3 months and already 2 1/2 years of trying to conceive. September 21st, 2009 (4 days before my birthday) at 6w2d I started bleeding. We went to the emergency room and was told my HCG was falling and there was no baby on the ultrasound. It was devastating.

We started trying to conceive again 2 1/2 months after the miscarriage although my basal body temperature was wacky and my cycle weren't the same. In April we found out we were expecting again. As you can imagine we were over the moon. By this time I was told I'd have earlier ultrasounds to check development and also be given more beta draws. The HCG draws weren't doubling normally, but the doctor wasn't concerned. I was, I was petrified. We kept having betas drawn and they would always go up, but never double in time. Still they didn't worry. At my 6w1d ultrasound (I charted and knew where I was in my pregnancy) there was only a gestational sac with a fetal pole that was around 5w4d in measurement. My HCG was only 3586 mIU/mL! I was so nervous, they still weren't. They decided to do another ultrasound a week later. I was 7w1d. This time they found a baby measuring 6w1d in there with a heartbeat, my HCG was only 4134 mIU/ML that same afternoon. Not even doubling in a week! 7w4d I started spotting and was concerned so I called the doctor. They had me come in the day after (8w even) and gave a quick ultrasound showing the baby's heart was still beating away. They didn't take measurements or check to see how the heart rate was, which concerned me. That's the last time I saw such a beautiful flicker. 8w3d, May 22nd 2010 I started bleeding heavily. I went to the ER and was told my sweet baby's heart stopped.

I still haven't recuperated from the losses. Life has been harder since people around me keep having pregnancy announcements and being due when I should have been. I'm happy for them, but wondering what I did wrong. Not many people around me acknowledge I've lost three babies, which makes life harder. I wish people would sometimes tell me, "I'm there for you when you need me, if you need me" sometimes. Just remember there are people out there going through the same thing as you and they wish they could wrap their arm around you and tell you how strong you are, no matter if you feel like you are or not.