Well, since I haven't been focusing on TTC it's kind of hard to post here. Right now I'm concentrating on losing this excess weight, which you can read about in the Weightloss journal. I'll be posting there in a minute. Last weigh-in I was at 209.4 which is a big success for me. It's the lighest I've been in almost 2 1/2 years. It means I've lost about 52.6 pounds which is *awesome*. Unfortunetely the PCOS is causing it to come off slow, but I'm determined to rev it up!
As for a little update... I got my period on my own on the 22nd. It means a lot to me because I normally need to take provera to induce it. I'm hoping this means I'll become normal. I have a big feeling my weightloss has helped me get to this point, and I'm grateful for it.
I'm trying to get to 180 by June 15th. It's my goal. When I get to 180 Aldon and I will be TTC again. I decided at 180 my body will have a much easier time handling a pregnancy then it did when I miscarried at 220 pounds. Plus, the reason I'm attempting to get to 180 by then... DISNEY WORLD!!! My friend Jolene will be coming to visit and I promised if I got to 180 I'd wear a swimsuit so when we go to Disney World we'd also go to a waterpark. ((as I know Jolene right now is looking at this and screaming "GO KRYSTAL, GO!" LOL)) So we'll see :o) You'll be able to view my progress on my weightloss site. Go there, now!
Monday, March 28, 2005
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Blessings
I don't think those who get pregnant fast realize the true blessing of a child. For someone who has waited so long to get pregnant and have a child... it truly is a miracle. Many people take life for granted. I've met quite a few people who are like that. I've known people who complain about not getting pregnant after three months, to fall pregnant the fourth. I've known people who got pregnant on a drop of a hat... who weren't ready nor expecting it to happen. Two people who were like this, in fact, had their baby within the same week of eachother. The same week I miscarried.
It's been 3 weeks since I found out I miscarried. In a way I still can't comprehend it. I've been confused. What do I want to do now? do I want to try and try again? Maybe I should lose more weight then try again? It's been a emotional roller coaster and I just want off. My horoscope for yesterday was very fitting:
You might want to give up as you realize that you don't know what you are feeling. Your emotions are stirred up by what is happening, but you're not sure which ones to trust. This confusion isn't as bad as it seems, for in your current vulnerability there is also the potential for growth. Don't try to fake it. There is no need to pretend that you have it all together.
And it's right... I don't have it all together. I don't even have a teeny tiny bit of it together. What do I do? Do I put aside what I've been trying 2 years and 4 months to do? or do I take time to lose some excess weight before I try again? I find myself taking HPTs and hoping one of them will come out positive when I know it won't. Denial is my best friend. Right now that is where I want to be.. denial. I want to believe I'm still pregnant. I want to get the thought out of my mind that I was pregnant and miscarried.
To tell the truth, I'm very weak. The best word I can think of is that I'm being a shrew. Or the word Jolene suggested, "despondent." Heartsick. Yeah, that's it. Very much without hope and deeply discouraged. Sometimes it's hard to be happy for others. I am happy for others but I can't help but coveting. So, right now, I really don't have the answers. I wish I could say things are good, but they're not.
For now I guess I'll stick to trying to lose weight. It's just a hard decision. I know I'll be sad when hearing others are getting pregnant if I work on losing weight. On the other hand, I think I'd be a little sad being overweight and pregnant. Sad, but atleast I'd be excited. And blessed. Who could forget blessed?
It's been 3 weeks since I found out I miscarried. In a way I still can't comprehend it. I've been confused. What do I want to do now? do I want to try and try again? Maybe I should lose more weight then try again? It's been a emotional roller coaster and I just want off. My horoscope for yesterday was very fitting:
You might want to give up as you realize that you don't know what you are feeling. Your emotions are stirred up by what is happening, but you're not sure which ones to trust. This confusion isn't as bad as it seems, for in your current vulnerability there is also the potential for growth. Don't try to fake it. There is no need to pretend that you have it all together.
And it's right... I don't have it all together. I don't even have a teeny tiny bit of it together. What do I do? Do I put aside what I've been trying 2 years and 4 months to do? or do I take time to lose some excess weight before I try again? I find myself taking HPTs and hoping one of them will come out positive when I know it won't. Denial is my best friend. Right now that is where I want to be.. denial. I want to believe I'm still pregnant. I want to get the thought out of my mind that I was pregnant and miscarried.
To tell the truth, I'm very weak. The best word I can think of is that I'm being a shrew. Or the word Jolene suggested, "despondent." Heartsick. Yeah, that's it. Very much without hope and deeply discouraged. Sometimes it's hard to be happy for others. I am happy for others but I can't help but coveting. So, right now, I really don't have the answers. I wish I could say things are good, but they're not.
For now I guess I'll stick to trying to lose weight. It's just a hard decision. I know I'll be sad when hearing others are getting pregnant if I work on losing weight. On the other hand, I think I'd be a little sad being overweight and pregnant. Sad, but atleast I'd be excited. And blessed. Who could forget blessed?
Friday, February 11, 2005
A long-due update
It's been months since I've posted anything to here when I really should have. For a while, though, I wasn't going to be ever needing this journal again... no more "Journal of an infertile". Until something happened. For a brief while I was pregnant. I did an HPT test January 18th and it came out positive. Actually, around 8 came out positive. I was so in shock I couldn't believe what was happening to me.
I found a creative way to tell Aldon. Since I'd be gone all day with a friend Aldon didn't know anything about what I'd found out. I had car paint so on the back window I put "We're Pregnant!" on it. I came inside and told Aldon one of the back tires had a flat. Since it was dark outside he brought a flashlight. He checked the tire then the other one... noticed something was written on the back and put the flashlight up to it. He just froze. Stared at it for atleast 20 seconds. He was soooo happy but couldn't figure what to say. He would be a daddy sometime. How sweet was that?
On the 21st it was confirmed by my Primary Care Manager that I was, indeed, pregnant. Excitement. Nervous. Happy. Scared. Worried something would go wrong. That's every emotion we felt.
Sunday, January 30th, I spotted a little. I didn't think too much about it, but Monday called my ob/gyn to be. They apologized but said they couldn't do anything because I wasn't yet a patient. All I could do is either go to the medical place on base or go to the hospital. Since I was in no pain and not bleeding anymore, I decided to do neither. Tuesday, February 1st, I started what I'd consider a period. The 6th it had ended.
On the 7th I had my first ob/gyn appointment. I told the nurse what had happened so she decided to do a urine test. It came back negative. Since I had drank a lot of water before I went (which online they suggest not to since it can dilute the urine) I demanded a blood test. I got the call the next day... negative. Ever since then I've been full of emotions. Denial. Sadness. A hole in my heart. Aldon has been feeling the same. My mother knows. His mother knows. His dad still doesn't know anything. Aldon is just too emotional. It hurts him to think that he won't be a daddy and hurts more to have to tell everyone he's announced it to. He's also scared because he doesn't know what he needs to do to help me. He doesn't realized he's already doing it just by being there for me. I need him to lean on.
Instead of overeating and getting down about it, I've done the opposite. Wednesday I restarted Weight Watchers online and have been exercising regullary. We're still not sure when to continue TTC but I don't think we'll be waiting too long to try again. I think this new Ob/gyn I was planning to go to for pregnancy I'll go to for infertility. The other doctor was great, but I've overstayed my welcome with her. She said in three months if I didn't get pregnant she'd be sending me to a endo in Jacksonville. That's not something I want right now. So I'll see how this new doctor can help my infertility and go from there. I hope she's better.
I found a creative way to tell Aldon. Since I'd be gone all day with a friend Aldon didn't know anything about what I'd found out. I had car paint so on the back window I put "We're Pregnant!" on it. I came inside and told Aldon one of the back tires had a flat. Since it was dark outside he brought a flashlight. He checked the tire then the other one... noticed something was written on the back and put the flashlight up to it. He just froze. Stared at it for atleast 20 seconds. He was soooo happy but couldn't figure what to say. He would be a daddy sometime. How sweet was that?
On the 21st it was confirmed by my Primary Care Manager that I was, indeed, pregnant. Excitement. Nervous. Happy. Scared. Worried something would go wrong. That's every emotion we felt.
Sunday, January 30th, I spotted a little. I didn't think too much about it, but Monday called my ob/gyn to be. They apologized but said they couldn't do anything because I wasn't yet a patient. All I could do is either go to the medical place on base or go to the hospital. Since I was in no pain and not bleeding anymore, I decided to do neither. Tuesday, February 1st, I started what I'd consider a period. The 6th it had ended.
On the 7th I had my first ob/gyn appointment. I told the nurse what had happened so she decided to do a urine test. It came back negative. Since I had drank a lot of water before I went (which online they suggest not to since it can dilute the urine) I demanded a blood test. I got the call the next day... negative. Ever since then I've been full of emotions. Denial. Sadness. A hole in my heart. Aldon has been feeling the same. My mother knows. His mother knows. His dad still doesn't know anything. Aldon is just too emotional. It hurts him to think that he won't be a daddy and hurts more to have to tell everyone he's announced it to. He's also scared because he doesn't know what he needs to do to help me. He doesn't realized he's already doing it just by being there for me. I need him to lean on.
Instead of overeating and getting down about it, I've done the opposite. Wednesday I restarted Weight Watchers online and have been exercising regullary. We're still not sure when to continue TTC but I don't think we'll be waiting too long to try again. I think this new Ob/gyn I was planning to go to for pregnancy I'll go to for infertility. The other doctor was great, but I've overstayed my welcome with her. She said in three months if I didn't get pregnant she'd be sending me to a endo in Jacksonville. That's not something I want right now. So I'll see how this new doctor can help my infertility and go from there. I hope she's better.
Wednesday, November 24, 2004
Let's see...
Not much going on. On the 5th of November Aldon's submarine came in for a little bit to do some repairs, but they were gone again on the 8th. Atleast I had two days with him (since on of the days he worked 24 hours.) But it's sucked ever since he went back out. I'm missing him a ton and it's just not the same without him. All we can do lately is wait to hear when they're going to come home, but it sounds like it won't be until Mid-December or later. So everyone please home it's before Mid-December that they get back..
On the 15th I had my annual check done by my Primary Care Manager. What she did was more of a physical along with the annual checkup. I got my ears tested, my eyes checked, Blood Pressure, and Weight. All went well. I got a letter in the mailbox a few days ago from their office saying my results came back normal, so I have a year until I get another one done. I'm glad it came back good because I was nervous. Never know if I'll find out I have precancer again or worse (I had precancer of the cervix in 2001.)
Anyway, I got referred back over to the gyno. I should make an appointment with her soon, since it's not too far from when Aldon is coming home. I also have to call the PCM tomorrow to ask if she could give me a prescription for provera. I noticed she accidently gave me a prescription for glucophage which haven't taken for months.
So that's all the news that is up. For update on my weigh-in, check out my weightloss page! Bye!
On the 15th I had my annual check done by my Primary Care Manager. What she did was more of a physical along with the annual checkup. I got my ears tested, my eyes checked, Blood Pressure, and Weight. All went well. I got a letter in the mailbox a few days ago from their office saying my results came back normal, so I have a year until I get another one done. I'm glad it came back good because I was nervous. Never know if I'll find out I have precancer again or worse (I had precancer of the cervix in 2001.)
Anyway, I got referred back over to the gyno. I should make an appointment with her soon, since it's not too far from when Aldon is coming home. I also have to call the PCM tomorrow to ask if she could give me a prescription for provera. I noticed she accidently gave me a prescription for glucophage which haven't taken for months.
So that's all the news that is up. For update on my weigh-in, check out my weightloss page! Bye!
Sunday, November 7, 2004
An update
Well, I got my period on the 21st of October and by the 24th it was pretty much over with. Nothing much has happened since then. Since Aldon is getting back mid-December, I plan to have an appointment with the gyno sometime this month. Which means I shoud be calling her sometime soon so I can be sure it'd be okay. I also have an annual that I'm getting done on the 15th of this month. I'll have it done by my PCM.
A few things I've realized, am grateful for and want to share my opinion. I *do* realize I'm young. My gyno has pointed that out and my PCM has too. I'm very well aware of the fact that I'm young. But I also have PCOS, and if that's not dealt with when I am young I risk a much greater chance of problems later on. Also, I don't want to wait around until I'm 35 to have children. I want to be young so I have the joys of parenting and am up and able for the challenge. I also want to have a time period when I'm older where I have time to myself (and my husband.) I want to still be "young" when I have that.
I do also know I have mixed feelings. I want a child with all my heart and pray I'm a great parent. At the same time, I'm nervous. Nervous about a few things actually. About birth. About how good I'd be at parenting. And then nervous about... will Aldon still be attracted to me after he sees a kid the size of a watermelon coming out of my ...? Yes, a pathetic question but it's my one insecurity. I want to be the mother, but at the same time I still want to be attractive to my husband. I fear I can't have the best of both worlds. I always wonder how much will a child change things for us. Our feelings. Our views. I'm sure everyone understands how those questions feel. Aldon says for me to not ask what-if, but sometimes you catch yourself doing it. Perhaps it's a way to prepare for a worse.
Well, I'll leave my journal at that for tonight. I'm going to try to sleep here soon. Maybe get too sleep earlier then normal for a change. Take care. Until later, bye.
P.S. I've got a cold. Stuffed up head, horrible cough, and nose that's stuffy. Oh yeah, the joys of being sick.
A few things I've realized, am grateful for and want to share my opinion. I *do* realize I'm young. My gyno has pointed that out and my PCM has too. I'm very well aware of the fact that I'm young. But I also have PCOS, and if that's not dealt with when I am young I risk a much greater chance of problems later on. Also, I don't want to wait around until I'm 35 to have children. I want to be young so I have the joys of parenting and am up and able for the challenge. I also want to have a time period when I'm older where I have time to myself (and my husband.) I want to still be "young" when I have that.
I do also know I have mixed feelings. I want a child with all my heart and pray I'm a great parent. At the same time, I'm nervous. Nervous about a few things actually. About birth. About how good I'd be at parenting. And then nervous about... will Aldon still be attracted to me after he sees a kid the size of a watermelon coming out of my ...? Yes, a pathetic question but it's my one insecurity. I want to be the mother, but at the same time I still want to be attractive to my husband. I fear I can't have the best of both worlds. I always wonder how much will a child change things for us. Our feelings. Our views. I'm sure everyone understands how those questions feel. Aldon says for me to not ask what-if, but sometimes you catch yourself doing it. Perhaps it's a way to prepare for a worse.
Well, I'll leave my journal at that for tonight. I'm going to try to sleep here soon. Maybe get too sleep earlier then normal for a change. Take care. Until later, bye.
P.S. I've got a cold. Stuffed up head, horrible cough, and nose that's stuffy. Oh yeah, the joys of being sick.
Tuesday, October 19, 2004
Soon, soon... I hope
Well, I should be getting my period relatively soon. There may be a little mess up with it because I missed a day of my pill. So the 13th, 14th and 15th I took a pill.. then the 17th and 18th. I know I'll still get it. I should be looking to get it on the 22nd. I still wish I could get it on my own. Maybe next time I will. I'm on this PCOS yahoo group and some people were talking about glucophage. One person took glucophage and ovulated the same cycle.. then again some it took 6 cycles. I want to look up the benefits of it. I was on glucophage, but quit it because I didn't feel like it made a difference and it was causing a few problems. I might ask about it. Can't hurt to try it again, right? Maybe. We'll see.
That's pretty much it. I wish things were more exciting over here. Weight was on a plataeu, but I think it's finally over with. I'm 29 pounds lighter then I was in January... and sadly, it's the lighest I've been for two years. Too bad it hasn't brought my period back. Why can't I have a semi-normal functioning body? Is that to much to ask for?
That's pretty much it. I wish things were more exciting over here. Weight was on a plataeu, but I think it's finally over with. I'm 29 pounds lighter then I was in January... and sadly, it's the lighest I've been for two years. Too bad it hasn't brought my period back. Why can't I have a semi-normal functioning body? Is that to much to ask for?
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
Time flies...
Even when you're *not* having fun. So Jolene (:wink:) wouldn't chew me out, I started my pills today. I actually swallowed it without water.. ewww... I still can taste it. Let me tell you.. pills are HORRIBLE. So in about 9 days I should have my period, isn't that exciting? I'll make sure next month if I don't get my period to start the pills on time, promise. I want to make sure I'm semi normal before Aldon gets back! That way we can get back to baby making when he gets home! I'll have to make sure to make an appointment with the GYNO before then, that way I can get started on clomid that month he gets back.
Nothing else to mention! I guess the TTC journal gets sort of shorter when husband isn't home.. hmm, wonder why! I don't know if I'm the only one who thinks the male needs to be present TTC. ;o) I'll report more later!
Nothing else to mention! I guess the TTC journal gets sort of shorter when husband isn't home.. hmm, wonder why! I don't know if I'm the only one who thinks the male needs to be present TTC. ;o) I'll report more later!
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