Bittersweet anniversary

The day has barely started, but I find myself reflecting on these past 9 months. Today is my husband's and my 9th anniversary and while I should be 100% happy, I'm also finding myself rather sad...

Today was my due date. Instead of being able to celebrate the joy of a birth, I miscarried 8w3d on May 22nd. I know when my husband and I go out on our date tonight, I will enjoy it. But still I'll think about the way things could have been. Would we have not had a date today, but instead be in the hospital while I delivered a child? I know I cannot dwell on the things that can't be, but focus on the future ahead.

Today I'm further then I was last time... tomorrow puts me at 9 weeks. I'm proud, but still nervous about the next few weeks. Everything is going smooth, so I'm definitely feeling better about this pregnancy. I'm grateful for what I have and enjoy every minute I've been blessed, I just worry it will end.

Wishing all my TTC great news! I check in for updates often. I'm so glad to see some of them have had great news and hope wonderful news follows for the rest!

Remind me I still owe you pictures from this last year!

Getting past this point...

I really hate how infertility and/or recurrent pregnancy loss kills your innocence. It's made it so hard for me to feel happy about things currently. Instead I'm nervous, paranoid and afraid to lose yet another pregnancy.

Honestly I still cannot look at another pregnant ladies belly without a twinge. I'm jealous. Nothing bad, but I'm just wishing I could get to that point. Just kind of hits me and makes me wonder... will I ever get to that point again? Don't get me wrong.. so excited to see all those who've dealt with horrible situations to be blessed. I just worry about my situation.

I wish I could be like my one sister in law... she's a fertile myrtle. As fertile as it gets, in fact she so lovingly referred to her family in her Christmas newsletter as "the ever-growing family". Secretly my other SIL, Misty, and I feel like that means she's pregnant again (she has an 8 month old and two others under 3). She's one of those people who doesn't seem to ever worry about what's going to happen. She's oblivious, it seems. One day I wish she'd live in our shoes and I only wished I lived in hers. Oh to not worry every time you have an ultrasound if it is the last time you'll see a heart beat. Must be nice.

Any one else feel like your innocence has been taken away?

This year at a glance

I've seen a lot of people looking over their year, and I figured I'd join in and share what my family's 2010 has been like.

January - I had gotten my new camera this month, so as you can imagine I wanted to use it as much as I could. My family and I went to Sequim, WA; Hood Canal in WA; Seattle, WA; Seabeck, WA; and Hood Canal a second time. We had a great time, went to a game farm while we were in Sequim and to the aquarium in Seattle.

February - The beginning of the month my mother came to visit, like most every February to celebrate my son's 4th birthday. She's only missed one and doesn't plan to miss any more if she can. We went bowling and ate some ice cream at dairy queen, we had a blast having her here for the week. After she left we went to visit Hansville, WA and Poulsbo, WA. At Hansville we went to their beach, checked out the lighthouse. It was beautiful over there and in the distance you could see Seattle. It was amazing. In Poulsbo we went to the Marine Science Center, felt some starfish and watched a beautiful Octopus show off for us.

March - In the beginning of the month my sister-in-law and her family came to visit. Her daughter was in cheer leading and one of their competition was 30 minutes away so they visited us in the afternoons for two days. Our kids love each other so they had a blast, but it ended abruptly when our son hit his head into our oak chest and cut himself. He was fine, but at the time it caught him (and us) off guard. This month we also went to Seabeck, WA; Poulsbo, WA; Port Townsend, WA; and Bainbridge Island. A ton of fun - beaches, watching seagulls drop clams on the hard rocks below, seeing a deer in Port Townsend, and going to more beaches.

April/May- In the beginning of April (Easter) we had some fun in Bainbridge Island at their aquatic center with Andrew's twin girl friends and their parents. It was a great time. We also had a Easter hunt and decorated Easter eggs. I found out I was pregnant in mid-April. I had two miscarriages (one before my son and one after) so I was very nervous about everything. HCG showed low numbers, not doubling like they should.. but every one told me to have faith (doctors included). I tried. Saw the heart beat two times even, once when I started spotting at 7 weeks. 8w3d I started bleeding heavily and found out I miscarried. It was horrible. I still trucked on. The same day we found out I miscarried I tried making the best of it by going to a farmer's market for some pictures, but it was hard seeing a lot of pregnant ladies and kids.

June/July - After my miscarriage we didn't do as much. Hit another farmer's market and went to Bloedel Reserve in Bainbridge Island in June. Mid-July we went to visit family in Idaho. We spent two weeks living in my mother's house while we visited every one. We had a good time for the most part. It was hard to go to my father-in-laws house while every one was there, including my one sister-in-law who is a fertile myrtle and was due when I should have been (the miscarriage before this last one). She showed off her two month old to every one, blabbered on about her 2 month old and her two other children - 3 under 3. I was in pain, since I tried 3 years and in that time she had 3 no less one due when mine should have been. I had to spend most my time outside avoiding every one. At the end of the July we went camping with some of his family. It was.. okay. I'm not too fond of camping, being as it was my first time and three different sprays didn't protect me from those mosquitoes. They *loved* me.

August - Beginning of August we made our way home, but stopped and spent a few hours at Yellowstone National Park. Let me tell you if you only have a day, don't do it! That place is so big you need a few days to conquer it all. We loved what we did do there though, then headed back to home stopping halfway there and finishing it the next day. Otherwise the only other thing we did that month was another farmer's market.

September- Instead of being able to truly mourn my mother-in-laws death (she passed away September 8th 2 years ago) my husband wound up having to have surgery on his knee. He wound up having his meniscus tear and it lodged itself in between his knee and caused it to lock up so surgery was rushed. Thankfully the issue has been fixed, but he's still suffering some pain and in physical therapy for who knows how long. My husband was so nice, the day before my birthday a place called Kitsap Tours invited me to come take photos on their tour and my husband told me to go. It was awesome - got to take some great photos and enjoy myself. I honestly don't remember what we did on my birthday, it was just another day but I loved spending it with family. On the 26th we went to Port Gamble, WA for a little fair they had. Andrew loved spending some on the rides, unfortunately though we didn't get to see the wood carving since my husband wound up feeling sick so we headed home.

October - My sister-in-law and her family visited for two days. Her grandma had kitties left on her doorstep so she was determined to find them homes and I told her I'd pay for her to come here, visit a little and give me a kitty. So they did :) We spent a few hours in Bainbridge Island at a place called Kidimu. A kind of discovery place for kids. They had some fun, but we cut it short and headed to Chuck-e-Cheese later that night. End of October was Halloween, of course. Son was dressed up like one of those dragons from "How to train your dragon". We went onto the military base and probably trick or treated for only 30-45 minutes but it was nice for kiddo.

November - Found out I was pregnant this month. Went from tricare prime to tricare standard so I could get an ob/gyn I wanted. I went with Dr. Q who was dealing with my infertility. She's been great. This month hasn't been that busy - we did have a snow day which was kind of nice (aside from the crazy drivers). Got some lovely snow shots and my husband and son threw snow at each other (and at me).

Honestly this month has been slow, but I don't mind. Not much energy, but Christmas is in two days. I'm not 100% ready (husband's presents are not wrapped and Christmas tree is lacking ornaments) so I think I best get to it!! To all those who celebrate, hope you have a wonderful holiday season!!

Perhaps in a few days I'll add some of the pictures I've taken this year.

Welcome ICLW!!!!

I think it's been a few months since I've done ICLW. I figured it would be good to introduce myself to all the new people checking out my blog and tell a little bit about what's been going on lately.

Well my name is Krystal, I've been married almost 9 years (December 29th) to my Navy man Aldon, and we have a son together who is almost 5 years old. It took us 2 1/2 years and one miscarriage to get pregnant with him, and he's truly a blessing. During the time it took trying to conceive him I was diagnosed with PCOS - long absent periods, some facial hair, weight issues, etc. In fact when I went off birth control to start TTC #1 I didn't have my period for about 10 months until I had to induce it with provera.

In April 2006 I stopped birth control again so we could start TTC #2. I didn't have my period for 9 months and finally when I was about to go in for provera it started up. In September 2009 I found out I was pregnant, but miscarried around 6 weeks. April 2010 I got pregnant and miscarried 8w3d. With low levels of HCG and slow growth I knew it would end out bad, but never expected it would go that long and see the heart beat a couple times before things failed. It was heartbreaking. During these 3 1/2 years I was diagnosed with low progesterone, insulin resistance, and vitamin d deficiency.

A month ago we found out I'm pregnant again, after being on 3 horrible cycles of clomid. The last cycle I actually stopped clomid 3 days into it since I became so emotional, which ironically is the cycle I became pregnant. I'm currently 7 wks 4 days pregnant and everything is going well. You can check for my pregnancy updates on the tab above, I'm updating it often. I was charting for the last 13 months to make sure I hit ovulation on the nose, and so glad I did. I learned so much reading the book "Taking charge of your fertility".

My ob/gyn I have now is very proactive. She's a wonderful lady and I'm glad I changed from Tricare Prime to standard so I could see her. Navy doctors and nurses treated me poorly when I've dealt with recurrent pregnancy loss I couldn't take it any more. And I haven't regretted it at all since I downgraded the insurance.

I'm sure I've left some details out, my history is also on the side.

Welcome to my blog!

Hurting when others hurt

Near the time I found out I was pregnant I had two friends "confide" in me. One told me she was starting to feel my world - infertility. She found out she had endometriosis and had been trying to conceive for a year. She found out how much it hurt every time she ever asked me "Are you pregnant yet?" before my son was conceived and "are you pregnant yet?" years or so after I had. It hurts to hear another person close to me suffers, but nice to know in my circle of friends I was no longer alone. But it hurt.

And during the same time period one of my friends found out she was 5 weeks pregnant and miscarrying. It's heart-aching whether you were trying to conceive or not. I know she knew about my history, and we discussed things which helped... but I know how it can take time to heal. I wonder is it harder to try hard to conceive, get pregnant and miscarry or find out you are but it's not going to last? Both situations are so harsh, and every one copes in different ways. I cannot imagine.

And just today one of the people I know online from my TTC groups (one I started like 1 year ago that she was in from the beginning who took over it after I miscarried last round and made the group run) found out that the baby was measuring behind and her babies heart stopped beating.

I hurt so much for all my friends. Infertility and miscarriages. No one should have to ever deal with these pains. It always kills me to wonder why people who are crappy parents or don't want kids can get pregnant on a dime but others who totally deserve that love get to suffer. It's heartbreaking. I can only pray time heals their wounds and hearts. I pray we all find our happiness.

I put a friend on facebook block...

I have to admit - I put a close friend on facebook block this past week or so. Not completely, but just so none of her activity shows up on my front page. I feel guilty for it and I'm sure someone will disagree with my reasoning, but here it is: She posted a 3-d ultrasound of her pregnancy as her facebook picture.

I don't know what other people feel about this - but I feel rather annoyed. She knows I've had miscarriages and I'd see that, so I think it's rather rude. Especially since your facebook picture is supposed to be you.

I've always told other people that I know at least 4 people on my list suffering from infertility and/or miscarriages and before I post a picture of an ultrasound I will be sending a personal message to them about it. I will never make it my profile picture ever, I feel it's painful for others because I've been there. That's why I'm rather sad I put a friend on a block, but it hurts to see that.

I'm sure there's people out there who understand why I did that. She also has one of those weekly updates being posted and saying how far along she is and what should be going on in the pregnancy. I do look at her page every so often, but am so bothered by her picture. Tell me I'm not alone.

Suzy is awesome

Suzy from Blog sites by Suzy made me a blog!! It's perfect and fits perfectly with "Buzz Off Infertility". I'm so grateful she spent the time and effort to make this wonderful blog layout! Thank you so much!!

My pregnancy

I'm going to be putting this on it's own post, and updating it with new blood work and ultrasounds that way people can click a link to see all this information and that way it's not posted all the time. Lately I'm feeling kind of guilty about posting here, and with less people responding to my posts now I kind of get it (and respect that). So here it is! Sure my SIL will be excited :) Love her. This eventually will go down the list and only be seen on a toolbar I'll add soon.

Date	Time	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	11 am	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	10 am	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	10 am	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours
11/29/20010	9 am	4w 4d (18dpo)	482 mIU	17.53	58.90 hours
12/02/2010	11 am	5w 0d (21dpo)	1847 mIU	-	38.18 hours
12/06/2010	2 pm	5w 4d (25dpo)	5856 mIU	-	59.47 hours
12/08/2010	2 pm	5w 6d (27dpo)	10,904 mIU	-	53.52 hours
12/10/2010	10 am	6w 1d (29dpo)	15,978 mIU	-	79.82 hours
12/15/2010	11 am	6w 6d	38,778 mIU	-	94.59 hours
12/22/2010	11 am	7w 6d	91,824 mIU	-	133.35 hours

5w1d ultrasound - gestational sac easuring 5w2d


6w1d ultrasound - fetus measuring 6w2d


7w1d ultrasound - fetus measuring 7w2d-7w3d


8w0d ultrasound - fetus measuring 8w1d perfect 171 heartbeat (for those who don't know, that's a yolk sac below)


9w1d ultrasound - fetus measuring 9w0d-9w1d


Ultrasound 01/07/2011 - I owe a picture!! Cleaned my house and have misplaced some stuff! I STILL cannot find this ultrasound to this day.

12w1d - Heard heart beat on the doppler for the first time @ doctor's office. Around the 160's.

14w4d - Heard the heart beat, around the 150's (doctor kind of guesses on that, she told me it doesn't actually tell the heart rate on her doppler!)

Ultrasound 18w4d March 7th, 2011 - 167 BPM, IT IS A BOY! Best picture was of his foot since he was facing my back!


22w4d April 4th, 2011 - Ultrasound since they couldn't check everything with him facing backward. Still facing back, but we got all the shots we need!! Amniotic fluid borderline, they like it above 10 and it was like 9.8. He measured at 1IB 5OZ already!!


26w4d May 2nd, 2011 - Ultrasound shows amniotic fluid looks good. Baby now weighs (according to them) 2 1/2 pounds! We have a chunky monkey! Appointments now happen every 2 weeks, but no future ultrasounds seen. GD came back normal, iron a little low. On supplements. Harder to get a picture of because he's decided to be head down today!

Updating

Feel free to ignore this post, just updating those who are wondering how my beta's are coming along:

Date	Time	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	11 am	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	10 am	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	10 am	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours
11/29/20010	9 am	4w 4d (18dpo)	482 mIU	17.53	58.90 hours
12/02/2010	11 am	5w 0d (21dpo)	1847 mIU	-	38.18 hours
12/06/2010	2 pm	5w 4d (25dpo)	5856 mIU	-	59.47 hours
12/08/2010	2 pm	5w 6d (27dpo)	10,904 mIU	-	53.52 hours

I was surprised to hear the nurse say "wow" before she gave me the results. I was shocked as well - since they're looking for a doubling time of ~72 hours or slower by this point. I'm feeling better about tomorrow's ultrasound. Everything is going great, so I'm sure this ultrasound will be right where it needs to be.

Bahumbug

I must admit this holiday season I feel a little more like Scrooge. It's 18 days until Christmas and I haven't told my DH what I want for Christmas. Why? I just don't know. I've been going through a "nesting" stage already.. yes, way too soon, but I want to de-clutter! I see no sense in getting more items when we're trying to get rid of items. I'm also feeling blah this season. I know I have no right too, but with me miscarrying at 8 weeks last time I was pregnant I worry I'll do the same again... which mind you, would hit right at Christmas time.

I know I shouldn't feel this way, but I cannot overcome that feeling. This pregnancy is leaving me on edge, which so far is going just fine. I just cannot shake the worry of doom. My mom said I was being too negative and I know that I am... I just haven't known anything but miscarriages the past two years.

Perhaps it's time to get the tree decorated and hang up some lights. Maybe that will help me work my way out of a funk. As for knowing what to ask DH for Christmas? Ah, heck, I still don't know. We've been married nearly 9 years, I was bound to stop having stuff I wanted sometime!

Yesterday's blood draw

Just updating my friend's who want to know how things are going with my blood work, technically posting this later then it says however wanted to show it before the other blog so others could kind of steer clear of it. Right now I'm just talking to myself lately, I think.

Date	Time	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	11 am	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	10 am	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	10 am	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours
11/29/20010	9 am	4w 4d (18dpo)	482 mIU	17.53	58.90 hours
12/02/2010	11 am	5w 0d (21dpo)	1847 mIU	-	38.18 hours
12/06/2010	2 pm	5w 4d (25dpo)	5856 mIU	-	59.47 hours

I asked the nurse if the doubling time was just fine, since I wrote down roughly what the doubling time would be if it was at certain #'s. She says they're very happy about it and that it should be doubling every 72 hours so it was good to hear. Although I know I'll be on edge until I hit 9 weeks I'm so glad to see the #'s doing what they need to do - with the May loss I never hit that high of a number!! Isn't that sad?

Always busy, never complaining...

I must admit even though I'm a stay at home to my one (almost 5 year old) son, I find myself rather busy all the time. It doesn't help I'm trying to also do a little business on the side, which isn't that successful. Right now it's just fun for me, but it does keep me busy. That along with every thing else - dishes, laundry, vacuuming, etc it's amazing how you can fill up the day doing all that! Some of my friends are surprised that most of the time my plans include cleaning some each day. Isn't that always how it goes? It just means we have too much junk!! Which we do, and oddly enough even though every few months I donate we still seem to have more to donate the next time around.

So how about you? Do you find yourself overwhelmed with chores, or are you more laid back? Do you have a plan of attack? Oddly enough chores remind me of TTC, some chose to plan out what they'll do months in advance and some will take it day by day and see where it takes them.

Anyway, if you honestly have some good tips I could use them! I feel like my house is taking over my life!

5 weeks today

I promise I will be making posts *not* related to pregnancy in the next week. I do want to not lose a lot of followers/friends, although I understand if this becomes one of those blogs that gets looked at less and less. I do want this not to be just about pregnancy, so I will be figuring out ways to make it interesting for every one. Probably include my photography, or perhaps I'll stop being lazy and work on my crafts!! I think I'd shock every one if I did - seeing as my crafts have been untouched for at least a half year. *blush*

However this one is about the pregnancy, sorry! Just an update on the betas. I was getting nervous when it went from a 26 hour beta time to a 68 hour beta time, since it felt like deja vu of my other pregnancies. In May when I was pregnant it was really off. The first two were 40 hour doubling times, jumped to an 100 hour doubling time then 63 hour doubling time... after that all chaos broke lose. Could you imagine at 7 weeks I only had a 3586 mIU HCG level? And yet they tried to play it as just fine! I'm proud to say my last beta doubled in 38 hours. I'm not out of the wood works yet, but I'm feeling better. Tomorrow I have a doctor appointment with Dr. Q - they're not sure what she'll do. Possible ultrasound, probably not.. but she did say we'd be doing one at 6 weeks so here's hoping things look great when we do!

Date	Time	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	11 am	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	10 am	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	10 am	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours
11/29/20010	9 am	4w 4d (18dpo)	482 mIU	17.53	58.90 hours
12/02//20010	11 am	5w 0d (21dpo)	1847 mIU	-	38.18 hours

Results

Date	Time	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	11 am	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	10 am	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	10 am	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours
11/29/20010	9 am	4w 4d (18dpo)	482 mIU	17.53	58.90 hours

I'm a little hopeful but still nervous. Unfortunately I have to wait for Tricare to update before I can get into the ob/gyn.

Already worried

Date	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	3w 4d (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	3w 6d (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours
11/26/20010	4w 1d (15dpo)	209 mIU	-	68.95 hours

I know under 72 hours of a doubling time is normal in some circumstances, but I don't know how to keep hopeful. I was thinking it'd be a ton better then that!! I guess it was a let down. I was expecting to hear a great number, was going to go switch to tricare standard, and see my ob/gyn Dr. Q for pregnancy then. Instead I wonder if I should stick to tricare prime, deal with the navy ob/gyn and tolerate the horrible things I heard the last two times I miscarried. Honestly? I might just switch to standard to talk to Dr. Q about it all. In fact after discussing pros and cons with my mother, when my son goes to preschool today I'm heading to tricare and changing it. No matter what I wanted to go standard eventually. If I miscarry at least she'll handle it nicer and try harder for me, which is more then I could ask from the Navy doctors and nurses. I'm trying to keep my head up. I decided to go in for my blood work today instead of tomorrow, sure the nurse practitioner who wrote me the lab sheet might be annoyed, but it's not her body. Hopefully tomorrow brings better news.

Always an infertile

I think no matter what when we've experienced miscarriages and/or infertility we're always an infertile no matter what happens in life. Whether we found out we're barely pregnant or have had a child after infertility. We're always an infertile it seems.

I know it's hard for me to look at someone else and see their beautiful round belly, knowing they're very much pregnant and not be overcome with jealousy. It's hard to get past that. I guess it would be easier for us if they told us "We had to use IVF" or "we tried for 5 years", but when we glance at someone we don't know and see their belly all we see is the green eyed monster.

When it comes to people in our infertility circle I think it's easier to be truly happy for them. I'm not saying we aren't jealous of those who announce pregnancies - but at least we're happy to see a graduate.

I fear if I post here about my pregnancy updates I'll lose friends or that I'll upset others. I know it's bound to happen. I would love to post about pregnancy on my other blog, but I don't feel comfortable doing that. When I was pregnant last time I posted on the other blog - and as you know it turned out horrible. I don't feel comfortable talking about pregnancy when I fear that something will happen again. I have recurrent pregnancy loss and I feel more comfortable talking about this here.

I hope I don't lose any of my TTC friends. I know it sucks that others are struggling and getting BFN's, trust me I'm feeling pain for you and really want it to happen for you. Whether it's naturally, IUI, IVF, FET, or adoption.. I truly want to see your happiness and I pray you find it soon. I know it's hard to think about the future as anything but BFN's and miscarriages, but hope you can keep a positive mind that your future will be different. *hugs*

Blood work update!

Date	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels	Doubling Time
11/22/20010	3 wks 4 days (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69	-
11/24/20010	3 wks 6 days (13dpo)	129 mIU	-	26.65 hours

I was so excited to hear those results. My beta has never been this good off the bat, so I'm a little more hopeful this time around. I admit I'll always be nervous, but this is going the way I was hoping! Got my beta drawn today and get another one on Tuesday. Hoping for more good news!

Results are in for 11 dpo

Date	Pregnancy	HCG Levels	Progesterone Levels
11/22/20010	3 wks 4 days (11dpo)	38 mIU	20.69

Eventually I'll update it more, once I get results (today's results will be on Friday, the rest will be the day after the draw is taken). I got another beta drawn done today, then another one Friday, and one Tuesday (with a progesterone draw that day as well). I'm rather surprised my progesterone went from 7.48 on 7 dpo to 20.69 on 11 dpo. I'm still taking progesterone no matter what. There's no way I'll stop it until 13 weeks, like the ob/gyn told me to.

I'm kind of confident this time. I guess because my 11 dpo was 38 and last time on 12 dpo it was 24. I know the doubling time matters most, but it was nice to see a high number earlier. Hopefully I see a great doubling time. If this week's blood work goes smoothly I'll be switching my insurance so I can get Dr. Q.

Oh the joys of snow!!

I love snow. At least taking pictures of snow, and sometimes freezing my butt of playing in snow. I took some photos yesterday.. not sure any turned out great, but I did have a blast taking them. I also took some photos today of my son and husband playing in the snow and I'll add a few of them here. It was fun - I tried to take action shots of them throwing snow at each other and at me. I still have to go through them, but even if they don't rate an A+ on photography, they're still awesome.

This post isn't all about the joys of snow... that was just sarcasm!! Yesterday I went in for my beta and progesterone draw. Now it was snowing yesterday, but wasn't extreme when I was out and about around noon. However today was horrible. The snow had ended, but the aftermath of it was there. Here in Washington no one knows how to drive in the snow. It wasn't even that much! Today we saw at least 10-15 cars abandoned on the side of the roads. And found out most medical buildings were closed.. that included my doctor's office and the place I got my blood drawn from. So I didn't get to find out my results!!

So first thing tomorrow I'm going out to get my blood drawn for beta #2 and asking the lab for my results. Fingers crossed. I'm not as concerned with the results from the first beta, more concerned with this next one and any future ones. It doesn't matter where you start in HCG as long as it doubles - so I'm nervous. Hopefully this week goes by without any more issues.

At least the ob/gyn did prescribe me prometrium, which is great! She gave me 3 months and I'm so thankful she did. My next plan is to go on Tricare Standard. Possibly next week if I feel the betas are going smoothly. If they are great numbers and doubling how they need to, I will switch insurances so I can get Dr. Q as my own ob/gyn. If they don't double right.. well, I'm not sure. I hate how the Navy hospital treated my miscarriages. Hopefully the betas are great.

Now on to some photos:

Conflicting emotions...

I always kidded with Dr. Q she was my good luck - the first time I talked to her about what I should do next with TTC I found out I was pregnant 7 days later. So I kidded her this time when I saw her she may have gotten me pregnant this cycle (since we talked about going on femera next).

Well, you can imagine my shock when I saw:









Yes, I'm a pee addict. The first one I took was the cheap wondfo, which I wanted some definitive results. Hence, the other tests. I'm shocked, but nervous as can be. My progesterone was *7.48* on 7 dpo, three days ago. I know I need progesterone and the only one who can prescribe it is my primary doctor right now, which is not normally what they deal with. I'm not sure they'd even want to prescribe it to me. My insurance only allows me to go to the Navy doctors (unless I go standard) and the Navy doctors refuse to do progesterone draws and progesterone supplements. They don't believe low progesterone cause miscarriages. Either way I'm sacrificing some money soon to go to standard. I refuse to see the ob/gyns at the Navy hospital. I'm scared of a miscarriage, but the ob/gyns and nurses were horrible there.

So either I beg my primary doctor for supplements, or quickly go standard and call Dr. Q for supplements. I'm not sure. I'm happy, but scared. I just don't feel pregnant this round... I'm not experiencing anything like I normally do. Kind of nerve-wracking. Hard to feel excited when you're so nervous!!

My temps are like a roller-coaster, baby...

Haven't heard back from Dr. Q yet about Femera, but I'm not in a rush yet. I'm 6 dpo so I still have a week to spare until I need to know what the protocol is this cycle (whether or not I'll be taking Femera or needing a cycle or two off of it).

Tomorrow is progesterone day. I'm not too thrilled since my temperatures have been doing a roller-coaster ride of their own, so it makes me wonder what exactly my hormone levels are doing! I guess I'll find out more answers in a few days.

I've made a few Team #hope products on Zazzle. A lot of TTCers on twitter cheer each other on, so this is a shirt with them in mind.

Team #hope by Alittlebitoffun
Use Zazzle's t shirt designer

However, does any one know a place to donate some of my profits to? Is there any legit charities out there for infertility or losses that people know about? I don't know if I'm looking for a needle in the haystack here.

I really don't have faith in this cycle... I'm trying to lose my POAS-addicted mind and not test until at least 11 dpo. I would wait until I was 14 dpo but I don't want to be down about it since that would be Thanksgiving. I do have at least a legitimate reason to want to test early (so I could get put on progesterone) but it's such a waste seeing BFN's all the time. I hope this 2ww goes by quickly and smooth!

Possibly a guinea pig

I have no hopes for this cycle, let's just start it off with that. My temperatures were higher then normal before ovulation, are above cover-line now with a dip today oncover-line! What is going on? It sucks not knowing what my body is doing, that's for sure.

That being said.. I talked to Dr. Q, my ob/gyn, after this Clomid fiasco that led me to have more anxiety and panic. We talked about not going back on clomid, even if it was a lower dose. There was no way we were going to try that route again! So Femera has been our topic of discussion. She's only prescribed Clomid to her patients TTC so she is spending this week studying/researching Femera more. I didn't know if I need a cycle off between Clomid and Femera since I heard clomid stays in the system for a while (and I didn't want to cause issues). So that's one of the things she needs to find out.

I also talked to her about pregnancy and what she would do. See, right now I'm on Tricare Prime. I hate it. Only because every time I've been pregnant and have gone to the military hospital for ob/gyn care they've treated me like an idiot and were rude to me. The miscarriage in September 2009 they told me I would be getting a 6 week ultrasound to make sure every thing was fine the next time I was pregnant due to have two miscarriages at that point. The pregnancy/miscarriage in May 2010 I had to FIGHT to get a 6 week ultrasound. They flat out said I wouldn't be getting one until the 10-12 week appointment. I had went to human resources to tell them everything said to me and she went up there and fought for me. If it wasn't for her, I'd have not gotten any ultrasounds as early as I did. The nurses are always rude. When I asked for my 7 week HCG they told me it was 3,000 and I started bawling. I knew what it meant... and of course the nurse is like, "Yep should be around 15000" and then she had the nerve to tell me "Well at least then you can go in for more fertility testing." WTF?! So they have never been on my good side. When I started spotting they did an ultrasound and said the baby had a heart beat and that that was fine. Well I asked about seeing about growth and how fast the heart rate was. They told me it didn't matter, all that mattered was the baby had a heart beat and that's it! And when I started bleeding and went to their ER the ob/gyn there told me I wouldn't see the baby pass. Lying sack of crap. They also told me they don't believe in progesterone level testing and don't believe it's important.

Any way, enough flashbacks to the past. I talked to Dr. Q and we discussed if I was her patient. She agrees with how low my progesterone is (around a 9 on fertility medicines) that it wouldn't hurt to be on progesterone. And she believes it could cause miscarriages having low progesterone. She said she would do ultrasounds weekly if that's what it took for me to be comforted. And HCG beta draws as well. She sounds like she'd take a step further to make sure everything is fine with the pregnancy, which is good. I might consider going to Tricare Standard the next time I find out I'm pregnant, even if I'm at a risk for a miscarriage. We'll see what happens.

If I'm not pregnant this round.. well, we'll see what's next. Hopefully Dr. Q will call me this week to tell me if we should go this route.. or what's next. I've got my fingers crossed.

I think we're done...

Well, this has been a whirlwind of two weeks for me. I started getting way too emotional the beginning of this cycle and it seemed to just escalate with clomid in the mix. I know it's not all the fertility medicines fault, but my emotions hit me all at once. I was told after 3 days of clomid to stop it because I was feeling anxiety, panic attacks and depression pretty hard. I hate to say it, but if my hormones started getting this out of whack with clomid I'd hate to see what would happen with IUI or IVF. I've seen people's hormones get completely screwed up with their protocol and it worries me how I'd react. Husband and I haven't discussed it, but I think we may be calling it all off. Not TTC naturally, but calling off fertility medicines in general. I don't know what is next when you cannot handle the medicine's side effects.

I'm starting therapy, which will be good for me in general. There's more issues I'm having then just infertility and miscarriages (I'm kind of going through a mid-life crisis a tad earlier on my part) so it'll be nice to get help. Although I'm not sure if my counselor is someone I'll stick with. I'll give her a chance and see how it goes since I've only had one session with her which was just a get to know each other thing. I just don't know if she'll be able to offer me the support and help I need.

Otherwise not much to report. My BBT is screwed up - has been higher then normal temperatures. Sadly between my emotions, my mother asking if I was pregnant, and my higher then normal pre-o temps I decided to test. Well, duh, BFN. What did I expect? LOL. I wish I could figure it all out. I guess it's good I have an appointment to talk to my ob/gyn (I think I concerned the nurse which is why she scheduled an appointment) on the 12th but I honestly don't know what to expect the conversation will be like.

I want to say I'm sorry to all the bloggers I usually follow. I do keep up reading everyone's updates, I've just been more of a lurker and haven't commented on anyone's blog lately. Sorry! Promise I do care, even though I don't comment.

Struggling with my weight

We will be doing another clomid cycle this round and have said after 3 cycles we'd re-discuss whether or not we think another 3 cycles of clomid would do any good or to move onto the next subject - IUI. I honestly think this will be the last cycle of clomid. Honestly it hasn't done us much good in the past - we only got pregnant once with it. For a break down we got pregnant after 4 months of clomid, miscarried, got pregnant 4 months later naturally and delivered our wonderful son, got pregnant naturally in September 2009 and pregnant naturally April 2010. So I'm thinking if it doesn't work this cycle, we need to try something else.

However this post really isn't about that.. it's about my weight. I'm really struggling with it. I'll be honest, I weigh in at 240 pounds. This past year I cannot seem to get my weight down. Granted I haven't gave it my all, which is what I *need* to do because of my insulin resistance and PCOS. I feel like they're fighting my weight efforts sometimes! However I am to the point I know I need to lose it. I'm sick of my weight, I feel unhealthy, and I worry often how my weight is playing in my health. What is the point of trying to get pregnant if I might have complications DUE to them?

Whew, almost thought I lost all my typing since I opened up another website on this tab! Whoops. Anyway, I really know I need to lose it. I just don't know how to start. My weight history has it's ups and downs, mostly ups. I've been heavy since I was a child, although I held it really well back then. I never looked like I was 180 when I was 17. Then I got married and ballooned up. When I miscarried in 2005 I was 220, down from being a high of 267 pounds. It took 1 1/2 years to accomplish that much... and let's face it, I wasn't loyal. So I lost 25ish pounds in 4 months then got pregnant with my son. I couldn't imagine dealing with pregnancy at my highest weight and honestly I'm not too far off of being that again.

So I need to figure out what will work for me. I used to be so loyal working out at home, but it gets old. I miss going to the gym and having a personal trainer like I did back when we lived on base in Georgia. I think I'll just have to push myself to do it at home again - I don't think it's worth driving 10 miles to get to the gym on base. Well, maybe it is... but that will probably come in the future. I have the means to exercise at home, so I should.

Hopefully I can figure a combination of eating and exercising that will help me lose quicker then it took last time. Perhaps I need to check out weight watchers online again?

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is smile

Yesterday me and DH were butting heads pretty hard. It all started because I got a phone call from my friend M and she said she invited 10 other couples last week, but forgot to invite us to her Halloween Party.. the day of!! She said it was a costume party but we had an excuse not to and that we could bring candy. So all day I felt insulted by it. The only ones forgotten, thanks! I don't care if you're 26 weeks pregnant or not, you don't forget friends! I know I wouldn't. But that made us butt heads all day because I was taking it personal (every lady I talked to said they would too) and he wasn't taking it personal. So whatever.

We went to Party City... spend an HOUR there to find us costumes. In the end we spent $65 on candy and "costumes" (a vampire cape, a devil cape, some earrings, one of those pitchforks devils have, and some vampire teeth). We would've gone as something more but I found out quickly plus size to companies is 175-200 pounds. What an insult yet again! So we butted heads on that as well.

Of course she had every one there decide to had the best couple costumes and individual costume. You can imagine it wasn't us! We did enjoy ourselves otherwise, so it was good. And our son did have a blast hanging out with their twin 5 year olds. He always loves hanging out with them and doesn't get to often.

Today I woke up, took my temperature... it's plummeted. Along with that and the spotting I've been having I know I'm out and waiting for AF (Aunt Flo) to show. She's always an unwelcome visitor in my house. I know she'll make her grand entrance later today. This sucks.

Bummed out...

Yesterday night I had another dream, this time it wasn't as pleasant of a dream. I remember being in the ob/gyn's office pregnant this time. I had the nurse or someone come in and tell me that I'm miscarrying. I started screaming and yelling about how unfair this was and went off on it all. I remember seeing the looks of other pregnant ladies and was told to leave because I was upsetting the other pregnant ladies, but I didn't care. I woke up... my temperature is still high. Took a pregnancy test. BFN. 13 dpo and a BFN! This cycle sucks. I can officially say I'm out. I know there's no way I'll be seeing a BFP this cycle, unless it's a miracle. AF is due tomorrow.

I'm just bummed. I hate trying and trying to see BFN's every cycle!! I hate comparing my charts because I see my two charts where I was pregnant and then am reminded I've miscarried twice. I should have a 5 month old or be 30 weeks pregnant! Why the hell is that fair that I don't get to keep my pregnancies but those who got pregnant near me are blessed and never have had to worry about it? Why is it fair! I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on anyone, but why? What did I do to deserve not having a 5 month old? Right now I'd be cheering them on while they try to crawl and sit up. Instead I'm expecting my period tomorrow.

I'm in a foul mood. Hopefully I'll get over it soon... but I'm just so frustrated with TTC and everything. It sucks to see every one else around me get pregnant, but I'm on the sidelines. I cannot even muster a congratulations lately.

I hate this feeling...

When I woke up this morning I felt hopeful. I woke up from a dream which I saw a BFP pregnancy test, then it all seemed to flash before my eyes. I don't remember much but I think I was given a glimpse of pregnancy and everything else. That's how quickly it went, but the part that really stuck out was the BFP.

I was hoping this morning it was a good sign when I took a pregnancy test. BFN. Figures. I'm now mad at my dreams and feeling let down. I know 12 dpo is still early, I know my temps aren't going down yet which is a good sign. But still I have this fear in 2-3 days I'll be greeting AF again.

I really don't get it. Why have I been feeling nauseous? I don't normally feel like I really wish I could puke unless I'm pregnant. Why would I feel so hot all the time, no matter the temperature? Why would I feel like this for nothing? I feel like the world is against me. All I'm asking is for a sibling for my son, is that so hard to ask for? I know they say things happen for a reason, but why infertility? Why can someone who doesn't deserve to be pregnant have kids? Why do couples who totally deserve them cannot have them? This universe is backwards.

Done venting.. for now. Just wait until AF hits. LOL.

I'm a bitch

I don't want to come off wrong, but I'm annoyed that my friend wants to adopt a girl in the future. Now before you throw rocks, hear me out. I've known my friend since high school. She's a semi-nice gal, who personally I think met the wrong man. When she was younger and dating him she got pregnant. He wanted an abortion and she agreed so they went through with it. Shortly after she married him! And they got pregnant AGAIN! This time I guess it was more convenient to keep the baby, even though it wasn't that much difference in time! So now they have two boys...

Well, her husband she complains about ALL the time! Her husband doesn't spend much time with the boys, the boys act out, she complains about the boys and said before she wonders why she ever had them, she complains that her husband will come home and take naps all the time, go into his room and just play computer games all night. HELLO!! WTF?! So about two weeks ago she talked to me about divorcing him. I said it sounds like it would help out, because let's face it he's a horrible father. She also once complained to me about finances, less then a week later her husband had bought a yellow corvette that is a transformers car? I don't get it, but was amazed she could go from complaining about struggling to him getting that. Whatever.

Well they came to talking over things and now are such a "good family" and all, now she's saying they want to now adopt a girl! This is the gal who told me when I said I had a miscarriage "I can't have any more children due to my disease". Wow, thanks for NOT acknowledging I miscarried and trying to make it a "poor you" situation. I also talked of our struggles and she was like "Oh, he can get me pregnant just by looking at me".

So perhaps, yes, I'm a bitch... but she's always complaining about everything. No less she can say everything she's said to me, still want to be married to this dickhead, and want to put another child into that situation?

Not feeling so hot...

Or rather, I'm feeling *too* hot. The last few days have been interesting - I've been having a lot more heartburn, I feel nauseous all day, and I'm in a constant state of hot. I feel like my internal thermostat is set too high and I'm flushed feeling. I'm not sick either... no fever. So I don't know what is going on or what to think.

I totally feel like crap!! I'm 10 dpo so I cannot determine if I'm having pregnancy symptoms or not. I usually don't feel this way unless I am pregnant, but I'm not trying to get my hopes up too high. I'm praying that I am (who TTC doesn't?) because if I'm not pregnant then I sure as hell am a little sick. Hopefully I feel better soon. Only reason I'd totally not mind feeling this way is if I was. That at least is worth the ill feelings!!

Enough whining. I'll shut up. We'll see how I feel in the morning.

Isn't that *low*?

Got my progesterone results in, it was 9.45 ng/ml. But isn't that low? Every where I've looked it says "A progesterone test is done to confirm ovulation. When a follicle releases its egg, it becomes what is called a corpus luteum and produces progesterone. A level over 5 probably indicates some form of ovulation, but most doctors want to see a level over 10 on a natural cycle, and a level over 15 on a medicated cycle."

I'm on 100mg of clomid and so it should be higher going off all the websites. I asked her what it means if I get/found out I'm pregnant and she said I should be going on progesterone supplements. So I don't know. I don't know if I should be confident in this # or not. I had an 18 ng/ml progesterone level a few months back when I wasn't on clomid, so will a lower once have more issues? I wish I had the answer.

Perhaps I should consider going to the RE earlier?

8 dpo and fears

Well it's 8dpo, my temperature is actually looking really good and going up every day. I know a triphastic can mean jack since I've had it happen one cycle where I wasn't pregnant, and one cycle where I was pregnant. However it's not that I'm paying attention to, although I admit it is trying to get my spirits up... it's the fact my body is starting to behave itself. Usually by this point my temps start going nuts and going down and up a ton. It never usually sticks to just going upward... so it's great. I'm hoping that means when I get my progesterone blood work done today it shows a better number then last time.

I'm kind of scared about what's next. We've been trying to conceive our second child for 3 1/2 years now and we're still on clomid (I was on it last year for two cycles, and this is our second cycle this round). I've seen people who have tried conceiving 1 year go to the next phase... and I always wonder why I haven't taken that leap. Perhaps I'm afraid we'll put more money into it... and still come out empty handed. One of the things is I feel like if I don't lose weight then perhaps IUI or IVF wouldn't work the way it is supposed to. If we don't get pregnant this cycle we'll have one more clomid cycle before we re-evaluate if we should bother doing clomid for three months more or not. It's all a whirlwind of nerves and emotions. I guess when we dream of families we never dream of how long it will take. Hopefully I'll figure it all out soon... one more cycle to go before we reconsider the next phase. It's coming up quickly.

Changed the blog look

Well for now, until I decide to pay for my blog being edited, I found myself a free blog template!! Where? Lellou Blogs has some great free templates (with some terms of use you should check out if you decide to snag one), a handful of pre-made templates you can buy, and also takes orders for custom blog designs. She does fabulous stuff (and no, I'm not being paid a dime!)

So I like it for the time being. Perhaps one day I'll buy a design that fits me better - but for now this works :)

Remembering the losses

Today is October 15th, which happens to be pregnancy and infant loss awareness day. I decided to write my full story here, which I also posted on Facesofloss.com and am copying that for every one to see my story.

Krystal
Miscarried February 2005 at 6 weeks
September 21st, 2009 at 6 weeks 2 days
and May 22nd, 2010 at 8 weeks 3 days

I've wanted a family basically since I was younger, like most women do. It starts with meeting a boy, then falling in love, getting married, and then dreaming of how big your family will be. We married December 2001 and talked about how many children we most likely would have. I said 2-3, he said 3-5... so we decided 3 was a good number. Life has had different plans.

I've been diagnosed with many things down the road on this journey. I've been diagnosed vitamin d deficient, insulin resistant and having PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome). I was first diagnosed with PCOS because I went off birth control when we started our TTC journey and didn't have a period for over 9 months. I had signs of PCOS (dark skin in the groin area, facial hair, infertility, absent period) and it was later confirmed years down the road via ultrasound.

I had my first miscarriage February 2005. We had been trying 2 years to get pregnant so we were excited when it finally happened. I'd say back then I was ignorant, like most people are before they experience a loss. When I got the positive result I got a pregnancy test confirmed by my doctor a few days later, set up an ob/gyn appointment for a week or so later and was thrilled. I started cramping and bleeding about a week before my appointment, but it was a weekend so I had to wait to call. I called the doctor that Monday and was told since I was a new patient I would have to wait until my appointment to see what was going. I was so frustrated. When my appointment finally came around they did a urine test and told me it was negative. I was in denial. Since I'd drank a lot of water prior to the appointment I demanded a blood test.. negative as well. We were crushed. My whole world went tumbling down that day.

Eventually things did get brighter, and we were blessed with one who spent a couple days in the NICU due to breathing issues. In April 2007 we had decided to start trying to conceive again and build our family more. We found out quickly it wouldn't be easy again. We found out I was pregnant after charting 3 months and already 2 1/2 years of trying to conceive. September 21st, 2009 (4 days before my birthday) at 6w2d I started bleeding. We went to the emergency room and was told my HCG was falling and there was no baby on the ultrasound. It was devastating.

We started trying to conceive again 2 1/2 months after the miscarriage although my basal body temperature was wacky and my cycle weren't the same. In April we found out we were expecting again. As you can imagine we were over the moon. By this time I was told I'd have earlier ultrasounds to check development and also be given more beta draws. The HCG draws weren't doubling normally, but the doctor wasn't concerned. I was, I was petrified. We kept having betas drawn and they would always go up, but never double in time. Still they didn't worry. At my 6w1d ultrasound (I charted and knew where I was in my pregnancy) there was only a gestational sac with a fetal pole that was around 5w4d in measurement. My HCG was only 3586 mIU/mL! I was so nervous, they still weren't. They decided to do another ultrasound a week later. I was 7w1d. This time they found a baby measuring 6w1d in there with a heartbeat, my HCG was only 4134 mIU/ML that same afternoon. Not even doubling in a week! 7w4d I started spotting and was concerned so I called the doctor. They had me come in the day after (8w even) and gave a quick ultrasound showing the baby's heart was still beating away. They didn't take measurements or check to see how the heart rate was, which concerned me. That's the last time I saw such a beautiful flicker. 8w3d, May 22nd 2010 I started bleeding heavily. I went to the ER and was told my sweet baby's heart stopped.

I still haven't recuperated from the losses. Life has been harder since people around me keep having pregnancy announcements and being due when I should have been. I'm happy for them, but wondering what I did wrong. Not many people around me acknowledge I've lost three babies, which makes life harder. I wish people would sometimes tell me, "I'm there for you when you need me, if you need me" sometimes. Just remember there are people out there going through the same thing as you and they wish they could wrap their arm around you and tell you how strong you are, no matter if you feel like you are or not.

Show & Tell - My Cats

I figured I'd do a show & tell this week!! Today I'm going to introduce my 3 cats.



This is Jasmine. When we lived in South Carolina, in the beginning of 2004, our neighbors had a cat run into their house and was VERY pregnant. This was her. I talked them into letting me have her and they accepted. No one claimed her as their own and in Navy it's typical on base for owners to leave their animals behind, unfortunately. She loves being outside, but we don't let her go out and when we do we make sure she doesn't go any where we don't want her to. She's not as playful as she used to be, we don't know her age but we believe she's 10 years. She loves sunbathing and being a lap kitty most of the day. She's a sweet one. She has claimed my husband as hers most of the day.




This is Boots. He's actually Jasmine's baby boy. He was born March 29, 2004 but still acts like our baby! He used to actually fetch toys, but has wised up since then. He isn't as active as normal, but does love chasing Jasmine every-so-often and loves snuggling with her. He loves when we sleep so he can get between us and go under the covers. He LOVES sunbathing. He's pretty much a Garfield lately. As you can see in the picture, he loves begging for things - like treats. He's a snuggler and we love that.



This is Luna, she is our newest member. My SIL's grandmother had three kittens dropped off at her doorstep and my SIL didn't want animal control called to take them away so she gave them all homes. I told her I'd take one and pay for her drive down so last Friday, the 8th, her and her family came to visit for a short while and gave me Luna! Luna is a character. She loves attacking everything. She doesn't stop for nothing, but doesn't mind us grabbing her and petting her for a short while. She's adventurous and loves discovering new things to play with. She's a lovely kitten and fits in perfectly. Our two others are still adjusting to her, but they do play with her every-so-often. I believe my niece named her Luna, but I really think it is short for Lunatic. LMAO.

I'm sure it wasn't that amusing reading about my cats. They're my babies, though and I love them.

And we're off.. again

Today should be 2 dpo, which is good. Seems on clomid my body consistently likes to ovulate CD 19, which is an improvement from what normally happens. I do like the consistency of knowing when it will happen versus waiting and waiting. It's likely that in a few cycles we'll be off the clomid and back to in consistence again which blows. I have a fear we'll be doing the next step soon - IUI. It's not a bad thing, I'm just nervous. It's an hour drive away and with the Navy I don't see it working out as planned. I'm just nervous to stick my all into it (wait, I've already been doing that) and coming up empty handed.

Let's face it.. I know I need to lose weight. I look at pictures people take of me and I see it - what I never wanted to be. I don't like the weight I'm at... and with PCOS and IR reeking havoc I know the extra weight isn't good on my body and reproductive organs. Today I need to find my way... start working on what will work for me. I'll probably have to do what I did that eventually led to me getting pregnant with my son, which is getting to that 200-even mark. That's around 40 pounds to go. I always question how did I get to this point and am determined to say goodbye to the weight. I lost the weight slowly before, with cleaner eating and exercising to Slim in 6. I'll be doing it similar, but this time I have more videos to work out to. I'm hoping I can lose weight better then last time, but I know it'll take being more strict. Getting off the sugar foods, watching portions, more lean meats, fruits and vegetables. I'll probably take before and after shots like I did last time. Last time this was my results:



In those 5 months I lost roughly 25-30 pounds. I know I wasn't trying as hard as I could have either. The April picture was less then a month before I found out I was pregnant, at 197 pounds. I know at that point I was still hefty, but my body sorted itself out. I want to get there again and know I can if I concentrate on it. So I have to learn to balance my time and focus on foods that are better for me.

In other news... SIL and her family came to visit this past weekend. It was nice having them over :) They came with Luna, who has been "adopted" into our family. She's frisky, crazy and never stops going (unless she's sleeping). Welcome to our family, Luna.

In a funk

I haven't posted in some time. I'm just not feeling it lately, I'm in a funk. It's been 3 years 5 months since we tossed out the birth control... and all I have to show for it is being heavier and adding two more miscarriages under my belt. It's just putting me in a funk. People are having gender reveals and I'm wishing I could be there. How does one graduate from trying to conceive? How long will it take?

I guess I'm worried what this cycle will bring. I was so hopeful last cycle, why I don't know, to be knocked down on my a$$ and reminded it doesn't always work like that. Why can't I be a teenager going to the prom, having sex once and getting knocked up? How is it so easy for them, but not for us? I don't understand life.

I don't get how friend's who say they're there for you never talk to you any more. Why write to me such a considerate note about wanting to be there and asking if I need any thing to help me heal, yet not ever talk to me? I don't understand why there's loss. I don't get it. I don't understand why there cannot just be happiness in life sometimes.

Anyway, it's CD 9. Today is my last day of clomid, which is good. It should be around 10 more days until I actually ovulate. My DH still has knee issues, still working on getting his strength back so I'm curious if we'll be wasting another cycle without him being able to do missionary. The only position he can do it me on top or spooning.. and well, neither of those keeps the little guys in. It's frustrating. We're planning on re-evaluating what we should do if the next cycle doesn't work.. and I'm afraid. I know what's next and I don't think I'm ready. It's been 3 1/2 years, how can I not be ready to face the facts?

I wish there was a way to take a TTC break without really doing it. I need to unwind. I need to stop thinking about what happens next and focus on the now. I wish I could get out of this little funk. I know I need to lose weight too, and I always question if my weight loss would help us out... but I don't know where to start. I've lost weight before, I kept motivated... and I'm struggling to find my way again. I need to lose weight... for future pregnancies and my health. But how? I hate being so strict.

I need a vacation. Thanks for listening to the rambling of a frustrated lady.

Mourning an anniversary

It hurts me so much today to be mourning the year anniversary since I started bleeding when I was 6w2d pregnant. After an ER visit I was told there wasn't a baby in my uterus and my HCG was diving rather quickly. To be so on top of the world and taken down so quickly hurt so much. I don't think I've healed yet.. in fact, I KNOW I haven't. I cried and cried yesterday. I lost my baby 4 days before my birthday. My child was due May 17th, the day of my husband's and my first date. It's kind of killed too special occasions in one swift strike. I don't think it helps my SIL announced a month later she was due three weeks before I should have been. She's my reminder I should have a four month old.

Tomorrow will make 4 months since my last miscarriage. The 21st and 22nd are not joyous days, as you can tell. I was 8w3d and had been spotting on and off for a week, but the ultrasound they did three days prior showed a heartbeat (although they didn't check to see the babies growth or heart rate) and told me not to worry. I knew better. I knew what to expect, or thought I was prepared. So when the 22nd came and I started bleeding heavily we went to the ER for the worst news, the little heart stopped beating. Now the jerks we know as military doctors told me I wouldn't see the baby pass. What idiots they are and I knew they were. A little less then a week later my husband and I were fooling around and as you can imagine our shock when the sac with the tiny tiny (like a lima bean size) baby came out. Talk about traumatic. We buried the little one under a rhododendron we decided to plant in memorial... appropriate as we now fight to keep the rhododendron alive. Guess some things don't live forever. And now I have my second reminder - the day I miscarried my friend found out she was due 4 weeks after I should have been. And that pregnancy was due December 29th, our wedding anniversary. Another joyous occasion that hurts now to think of celebrating instead of mourning.

Honestly I can never imagine how people change once you've had a miscarriage. My friend that's pregnant pretty much avoids me... she wrote me a considerate E-mail once about wishing there was something she could do to help but at the same time has she talked to me once since then (aside from me catching her passing by at Wally World)?

I keep questioning what did I do? Why was I the one that deserved to miscarry while someone gets to have a child? Am I that bad of a person? Does my son not deserve a sibling or is destined to be an only child the rest of his life? What connection will he have when we have another child, seeing as he'll be at least 5 1/2 or older assuming we conceive a child in the next few months? How much will I have to do to get pregnant? Will clomid work or is it a waste of the next 5 cycles? Will we need to make the 1 hour drive one way to see a RE for IUI or IVF? I wish I knew all the answers. DH asked me what I want to do today... and all I feel like is crying.

My temperature dived to cover-line today, 13 dpo. I'll be getting AF later tonight or tomorrow.

11 dpo...

And I do admit I am a POAS-aholic. I love peeing on things... well, tests in specific. I guess I was hoping I'd see a definite answer. When I was pregnant in September I got a positive 11 dpo and when I was pregnant in April I got a positive 10 dpo. So I tested.. and tested. Now I swear I see something, but that happens almost *every* cycle. I personally think it's the tests!! Probably a scheme to make you want to buy more. Or perhaps it's an addiction. Perhaps POAS is my nicotine. Is there a patch for that?

Anyway, I love showing off squinters for fun. They're like magic eye pictures - you stare long enough until you swear you see something. So here's my current magic eye:



I swear I see something, but that's my "gift" being able to see things that aren't always there. LOL.

Anyway it's been hectic with Aldon's knee out of commission due to him having knee surgery. I have to do a lot more to help out but thankfully he's slowly being able to help more (just nothing involving walking since he cannot yet). It's been a challenge, but we're dealing.

My awesome SIL (the one I really like) has some kittens she's trying to find good homes to and I said I'd take one. She lives about 7 hours away so I told her if she wants to I'd pay for her gas and set her and her kiddos up in the guest room. So she accepted! In a few weeks I'll be getting a kitten. I already have two cats and so I am hoping she'll love it here and that the cats will learn to love her.

Here's my Luna:


I can't wait to meet her and spoil her!! I love Siamese a lot, so she's already very loved. The thought of having her in a few weeks has been keeping me hopeful and semi-optimistic about this cycle. At least in the end I'll have Luna :)

1 dpo

Well today's temperature confirmed I have ovulated!! Unfortunately I didn't have EWCM, thanks to the Clomid drying me out. I had two days where most people would say it was EWCM, but I know better. It turned creamy when I rubbed it around in my fingers, so that will be marked as such. The clomid did help me ovulate a little earlier. Typically I ovulate CD 23-26, and this time I ovulated CD 19 so I'm happy! At least now if I get my period it'd be more like a 35 day cycle which is better then 40+.

My breasts are tender.. and that's a definite sign I ovulated. I tend to be weird like that since I started becoming more "regular" on my period. I don't appreciate the sensitivity, however it is becoming a good sign to know if I have ovulated or not.

And with my husband's knee killing him lately it was a challenge to BD. He suffered through sex twice (once with me on top and once spooning), but when he wound up put in a lovely piece of knee hardware we talked about using a turkey baster. We wanted to give this cycle a fair chance, so we did wind up doing it that way. That was the day before O so hopefully this cycle won't be a total bust. I'm glad to be in the 2ww, but someone please take away my pregnancy tests! I love to test early.. and well, I don't hold any promises that I'll hold out...

A year ago tomorrow... and my plan

A year ago tomorrow was such a joyous occasion. That was the day I got this:



It doesn't look like much, especially since it was a blue dye and never trusted them, but this brought such joy and worry to me. The next day confirmed my pregnancy... and we were ecstatic. How does one go from so excited to being crushed a couple weeks later? It's hard for me to imagine ever being pregnant again without devastation following. It's hard for me to imagine ever having a pregnant belly... making another nursery.. or buying baby clothes all over again.

I've been thinking about it and decided maybe we need to do certain things before pregnancy can possibly follow. Like finish certain things in the house that have been hounding me - like cleaning out the guest room which will eventually be the nursery. Just getting rid of the clutter and junk so it's less stressful when the time comes. Maybe we just need to be a bit more prepared next time... and have less things to stress about when it does happen. Who knows.

I also have been determined to become healthier. I know I need to lose weight and after reading an article on how overweight women are treated with doctors it frustrated me. Then there was a part of it about IVF and overweight women and how most doctors won't perform it unless you're under a certain BMI. I don't even know if I am, but it makes me realize if we TTC and a year down the road when we're starting IVF if I'm the same weight I am today I might not be allowed to do IVF.

A fertility website discussed the issue:

"Another issue related to body weight and IVF is safety for the patient at the egg retrieval. As can be seen in the ultrasound images below, when a woman is significantly overweight, the ovaries are usually pushed up "high" - away from the top of the vagina by the extra fatty tissue that is in the pelvis. At the time of IVF, the needle is pushed in vaginally to reach the eggs in the ovaries. If the ovaries are too high, we can not safely get the needle into the follicles to get the eggs out.

Another problem is that the ultrasound images become very "fuzzy" from the extra tissue between the probe and the ovary. Therefore, it is often difficult to clearly visualize the ovaries and the egg-containing follicles. This is shown below - the ovary in the image on the right is very fuzzy and indistinct. This makes it difficult to properly measure the follicles in the ovaries, and can also make it hard to be sure where the needle tip is located at all times during the egg retrieval procedure (a potential safety issue)."

So I wrote a list of foods I need to eat more of. Obviously it's a common sense list... but things I've lacked on. I'll still make meals, but I think I'll plan it so I can have one meal but leftovers will be for my son and my husband's leftovers. That way I can enjoy them once, but don't feel guilty when I don't eat them the next day. This will be a hard journey, but I want to do it not only for my fertility, but for my life.

Another heart breaking moment... my son is growing up so fast! He wants a big boy room instead of the nursery he has. He's 4.5 so it's time for us to move on and paint his room... but it hurts me so bad when I wonder if I'm ever going to get to do another nursery. Here is his nursery (wasn't 100% done in the pictures, but it's the best I had at the time), possibly painted in a month or two:




Goodbye, baby and hello boyhood. Man, where does the time fly?

Day 12- thing you are OCD about

Hmm this one is hard. I'm a little weird when it comes to things. I love organization, but am hardly organized. I love clean, but my house is never picture perfect. The one thing that bothers me is this - my husband putting dirty dishes on the counter. There's a freakin' sink, use it!! He does it especially after I just cleaned the counter up which irritates me the most. I don't care if the sink has dirty dishes in it, put it with them!!!! The funny thing is it doesn't bother me when *I* do it, but if he does it I want to start a war. Haha.

How do you respond...

How do you respond when you get a sincere message from your friend, who has two 5 year old twins (not from medical means) and is now 20 weeks pregnant (spent 1+ year TTC)? I got a message from my friend today, she's a great lady and wound up finding out she was pregnant right as I was miscarrying. I knew she was pregnant when she said she was late but didn't want to test. I'm not sure if it's because life just seems to be that cruel to me or what... but she deserves to have children (just like every one else in IF world). She spotted us at Lowes last night after she just had her ultrasound appointment to find out the gender. She's a very great lady... this is what she wrote:

"Hey there,
I'm not really sure what to say. But I hope I didn't make you too sad yesterday when we ran into you at Lowes.
I'm not really sure what to do. I've really enjoyed becoming friends with your family an hanging out. But I worry. I don't know what to do about the baby. I don't want to make you sad. But the baby is coming and 5 months from now, it will always be around. I don't know what to do to make it easier for you.
I remember once just before I got pregnant I went to a play. It was about 5 sisters. Most of it was about the sisters when they were older after their mom had died. But at the beginning they had 5 little girls playing following-the-leader while the narrator set up the story. And I started to bawl. I wanted that so bad. I wanted K & E to have siblings. I'm so close to my sisters, and my mom is really close to her sisters. And I wanted K & E to have that too. I wanted them to grow up with lots of kids running around.
And I was thinking about you last night and I realized that that's how you feel all the time. You want more kids soo bad.
But like I said. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help you as a friend. And I certainly don't want to depress you every time I invite you over. But I can't exactly make our baby situation disappear either. So I don't know.
I just wanted you to know that I do care and I wish there was something I could do.
I do believe that there is a reason for everything. And that God doesn't just forget about us for a while. I believe God knows you. And I believe he is very aware of how sad you are. But just like when we take our kids to get a shot. Our kids think we are the meanest parents in the world and why on earth would we let someone do that to them. But we understand things that 2 and 3 yr olds just don't. And I believe it is the same way with God. He understands things and sees things that we just don't. But it doesn't make the shot hurt any less. It still hurts like crazy and we still cry. And we have to find a way to deal with the pain.
I know that all my babbling isn't going to make everything all better. But I just basically wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. Wishing I could make things all better. Let me know if there is anything I could do to make it easier on you."

How do you respond? How do you make sure to maintain your friendship with someone who worries how you're hurting? Yes, I'm hurting. Yes, I cry wondering why I had to miscarry and someone else was blessed with the joys of pregnancy. Yes, I worry my son will never be blessed with siblings. Her twins always had each other for five years and now there is another one on the way. My son has only has himself. I hurt thinking that's how his life will be. Not jabbing at any one who has done that, but I always wanted a bigger family. I just don't know how to respond to her message. I want to keep our friendship and know that in 20 weeks she'll have a baby so no matter what there will be close reminders of my loss. I suck it up... I deal with it. But how do I write it down that I'll be just fine?