Primary and secondary infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss. PCOS. Insulin Resistance. Low progesterone. Vitamin D deficient. 3 1/2 years and 3 (more) clomid cycle cautiously expecting #2!

Friday, September 25, 2009

A "happy" birthday...

Before my doctor's appointment I went to get my blood work done and dealt with. It sucks because there was three or four people there getting prenatal blood work done. The bad thing about military hospitals and dealing with them is you get no privacy, granted the ladies talking to the front desk weren't exactly silent. So I had quite a few ladies checking in on their pregnancies and one even had a 5 month old baby with her! Say the least that made me even more depressed.

After waiting 30 minutes for my blood work I headed up to the ob/gyn clinic. More pregnant ladies. Seriously, you think the ob/gyn would schedule an appointment where there would be no pregnant ladies around but I guess there's more happy moments in pregnancy than there are bad. The person sitting across from me in the waiting room was staring at ultrasound pictures. I'm not sure whether or not to feel bad for her, I couldn't tell if she was sniffling with a cold or sniffling otherwise. I didn't see any tears though. I guess I should be feeling better I didn't get to see a heartbeat before I miscarried, but still it is painful.

The nurse and doctor I talked to were both sympathetic. The nurse told me happy birthday, and then stuttered when I told her there was nothing happy about this day and about miscarrying. I did thank her for her good intentions, though. Oddly enough my blood pressure is what I'd consider low - 103/80. The bottom number was high, but odd nonetheless. The doctor told me there was nothing I did wrong and that unfortunately these things happen. He said because of what happened there was no way to know what happened or why the baby didn't stick. He did a trans vaginal ultrasound to check things out, he measured my lining and told me it looks great and normal. After doing the ultrasound he mentioned if he didn't know my circumstances looking at the ultrasound he'd have just thought I got over having a period. In all reality - I think that is what happened. I think I had a chemical pregnancy, best described as having the embryo die after conception before it has a chance to grow and develop. Granted I don't even know if you could call it an embryo at that phase, it's just all confusing. Most likely something wrong due to the chromosomes but you just never know.

The doctor mentioned since I've been pregnant three times obviously my husband's sperm and my eggs are good. He said obviously I have been ovulating so I could start trying on my own in two months again. I mentioned my husband is leaving in less than a week on a submarine so he said we could start trying again when he gets back, in December. Unfortunately my husband hasn't been around enough to help me deal emotionally, since they're getting ready to leave I've been on my own. He was supposed to be "free" today but the submarine had issues and didn't do what they were going to do yesterday (starting everything up and checking on all the equipment) so they're doing that today and of course that means he might not even be home tonight. Soon I won't even see him and I can't even enjoy him the few days before he does, it's just depressing.

As for how I'm feeling emotionally... I'm dealing. My son and I will try to salvage tonight by eating ice cream, pizza and playing games at chuck-e cheese. Most likely I'll end it by buying my son a gift and remembering how grateful I should be that I've had one blessing. He is my birthday gift. I just hope I can keep my eyes open for all of it.

Oh, as for the beta results: 11. I'm almost done miscarrying, I guess. I guess I should also mention the dear doctor I talked to said this next time once I find out I'm pregnant since I've miscarried twice I can get in for an ultrasound earlier like 6 weeks pregnant! Not exactly how I wanted it to happen, but good to know. Good to know!


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