Primary and secondary infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss. PCOS. Insulin Resistance. Low progesterone. Vitamin D deficient. 3 1/2 years and 3 (more) clomid cycle cautiously expecting #2!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

How do you respond...

How do you respond when you get a sincere message from your friend, who has two 5 year old twins (not from medical means) and is now 20 weeks pregnant (spent 1+ year TTC)? I got a message from my friend today, she's a great lady and wound up finding out she was pregnant right as I was miscarrying. I knew she was pregnant when she said she was late but didn't want to test. I'm not sure if it's because life just seems to be that cruel to me or what... but she deserves to have children (just like every one else in IF world). She spotted us at Lowes last night after she just had her ultrasound appointment to find out the gender. She's a very great lady... this is what she wrote:

"Hey there,
I'm not really sure what to say. But I hope I didn't make you too sad yesterday when we ran into you at Lowes.
I'm not really sure what to do. I've really enjoyed becoming friends with your family an hanging out. But I worry. I don't know what to do about the baby. I don't want to make you sad. But the baby is coming and 5 months from now, it will always be around. I don't know what to do to make it easier for you.
I remember once just before I got pregnant I went to a play. It was about 5 sisters. Most of it was about the sisters when they were older after their mom had died. But at the beginning they had 5 little girls playing following-the-leader while the narrator set up the story. And I started to bawl. I wanted that so bad. I wanted K & E to have siblings. I'm so close to my sisters, and my mom is really close to her sisters. And I wanted K & E to have that too. I wanted them to grow up with lots of kids running around.
And I was thinking about you last night and I realized that that's how you feel all the time. You want more kids soo bad.
But like I said. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help you as a friend. And I certainly don't want to depress you every time I invite you over. But I can't exactly make our baby situation disappear either. So I don't know.
I just wanted you to know that I do care and I wish there was something I could do.
I do believe that there is a reason for everything. And that God doesn't just forget about us for a while. I believe God knows you. And I believe he is very aware of how sad you are. But just like when we take our kids to get a shot. Our kids think we are the meanest parents in the world and why on earth would we let someone do that to them. But we understand things that 2 and 3 yr olds just don't. And I believe it is the same way with God. He understands things and sees things that we just don't. But it doesn't make the shot hurt any less. It still hurts like crazy and we still cry. And we have to find a way to deal with the pain.
I know that all my babbling isn't going to make everything all better. But I just basically wanted you to know that I was thinking of you. Wishing I could make things all better. Let me know if there is anything I could do to make it easier on you."

How do you respond? How do you make sure to maintain your friendship with someone who worries how you're hurting? Yes, I'm hurting. Yes, I cry wondering why I had to miscarry and someone else was blessed with the joys of pregnancy. Yes, I worry my son will never be blessed with siblings. Her twins always had each other for five years and now there is another one on the way. My son has only has himself. I hurt thinking that's how his life will be. Not jabbing at any one who has done that, but I always wanted a bigger family. I just don't know how to respond to her message. I want to keep our friendship and know that in 20 weeks she'll have a baby so no matter what there will be close reminders of my loss. I suck it up... I deal with it. But how do I write it down that I'll be just fine?

Day 11- a recent photo of you

Hmm... do I have to? LOL I honestly don't like the way I look nor feel lately. Let's see...

This was taken a few months ago. I really need to work on getting myself healthier. I miss the "old" me even though I was never thin. My goal: to find the fit me amongst this infertility mess.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Day 10- pic taken10+ yrs ago of you

Hmm this one might be harder to find... let me see...

Hmm think that was tenth grade? I honestly don't remember, but I was definitely younger!

Too bad it didn't ask for one almost 10 years ago, since Aldon and I met a while ago I have more of me when I was 17 years old then I do when I was younger!! 9 years ago this was how I looked:

Sorry the photos are so small!! Back then we didn't have digital cameras ;)

Sunday, August 29, 2010

Day 9- a photo you took

I have a ton, but I'll post the one I just took recently in Yellowstone. We visited family a little over a month ago for two weeks and went to Yellowstone on the way back home. This is one of the photos I took while we were there:

This was called the heart spring. It *kind* of looks like a heart, I guess! It's amusing hearing other people argue about what kind of body part it looks like. "It looks like a kidney!", "No more like a lung!" Hehe. Wish we had longer to spend there, the place is so huge we didn't see over 10% of it, if that!

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Day 8- a photo that makes you sad

Alright - story time! I used to date this guy when I was 14-16ish on and off who quite frankly was a pathological liar and have a few problems in his life. We weren't stable together, obviously, since he was a jerk. He wound up getting in trouble and had to go to a juvenile detention center when I was around 16 years old. So as you can see, I was glad to no longer be with him at that point in time.

Now we're fast forwarding it many many years - about 2 years ago he gets someone knocked up and marries them (who now are divorced). I am actually friend's with his mother on facebook, because she always was considerate even though she didn't like me dating her son. How does this have any thing to do with a photo that makes me angry/sad? Well, now the happy grandmother posts photos of his now 14 month old son.

This child is such a beautiful guy. And honestly I'm mad that he has this son that I don't feel like he should have. I don't know what the situation is now that he and the mother are divorced, but I know his mother says that the lady isn't the best mother. I know he hasn't changed his lies or ways either... and what kind of situation is that for a child? Shouldn't this child deserve a more stable family?

Obviously I can't post the pictures of his wonderful son, but it hurts to see those. It always makes me question why children get blessed into bad situations and those who try so hard to expand their family that are wonderful (and stable financially and emotionally) don't get blessed. Guess we'll never know!

Friday, August 27, 2010

Ever have something..

Every have something that has been said or done that makes you laugh and no matter how much you can't stop thinking about it and laughing some more? Well, this is one of those times:

In other news, my HSG was great! Very uncomfortable, and yes a little crampy (that's what happens when they put a balloon in the uterus) but not as bad as I was thinking. Honestly some of my period cramps are worse! I'd never want to do it again for sure. The doctor said it was great - they were amazed how quickly it was over with because the dye went through my uterus and out of my fallopian tubes quickly! No scarring, no blockages, no holes, nothing abnormal.. just a clean healthy looking uterus! At least from what they see :) So all good! They'll still look through the shots closely but sounds like it's one less thing wrong with me. As much as I'd love to know why I'm having issues I'm glad nothing was wrong on this one.

Day 7- photo that makes me happy

This one is a hard topic to me. I have so many photos that bring me happiness... most importantly the pictures of my son from birth to currently, but in respect to others I won't show those here. I love to be respectful of others and know when I suffered primary infertility it kind of stung seeing children and I don't want to hurt any one here. That's why I have two blogs - one for my family and one for my infertility. Although I do want to start bringing photography into this blog since I haven't yet and that's where I'll start today! So... a photo that makes me happy... well, you're in luck - you get TWO!!

Okay we'll start with the obvious question - why "breathtaking photography" as my watermark? I have yet to claim that as a business name, since I'm not making money off of my photography so you think I would watermark it with my name but I still LOVE "Breathtaking Photography" as a business name. Does that seem idiotic to do that? I really don't know if I should register my business name when I'm not making a dime from it! I know it would make sense to watermark my name, but I don't want my full name known! Any way... off track.. lol.

Alright, the next question? Where did I take these photos? The octopus was taken at a marine science center in Poulsbo, Washington! This octopus' name is Bob. Don't ask me why they named him that! But Bob loved (or perhaps hated) me taking a lot of photos of him so he was showing off for about 15 minutes!! I kept snapping so many pictures of him while he showed off and this one is the one I love most. Photography in general makes me smile.

The seagull was taken on a boardwalk in Poulsbo, Washington. I love watching seagulls drop clams down below to crack them open. It's so fun trying to get the perfect shot of this happening and crazy to hear how loud of a thump the clams make when they hit the rocks below. Seagulls are so smart!

I could post tons of photos, like I stated photography makes me smile!! I find satisfaction in getting close to things like bees to take a photo!! Don't worry, it was calm since it was getting colder and started to drizzle. I'm not completely insane! Photography is my therapy.

Thursday, August 26, 2010

The results are in!

The doctor's office finally called me back today. I guess they decide to wait until the Inhibin B test was back before telling me the results, since the Inhibin B test takes the longest. Honestly I wasn't expecting that result until later, I just wanted the FSH and Estradiol!!

So here's the three tests they did:

Test PerformedLevelNormal Levels
FSH4.5 mIU/ml3-20 mIU/ml
Estradiol67 pg/ml25-75 pg/ml
Inhibin B65 pg/mLAbove 45 pg/mL

So going from those numbers, my FSH is actually considered excellent right now! Kind of odd. It's interesting how our bodies aren't always the same - because I've had high numbers, low numbers and every thing in between. The Estradiol # I was worried about since last time I got blood work it was 82 which could be a functional cyst or diminished reserve so you can imagine the nervousness about that!

But everything is good so far. Hopefully the CD 10 blood work for the FSH will show the #'s still good! So the fun part begins - the wait for me to ovulate which is always an exciting thing. I typically don't ovulate until CD 23-26 although last time I was on clomid I ovulated around CD 21 so we'll see. Means I got 15 days or so left but will be using OPK's soon to make sure I don't miss any opportunity. Hopefully the next two weeks go by quick, then onto the 2ww!!

Tomorrow is my HSG, wish me luck!! Less than 24 hours to go!

Day 6- 20 of your fave things

Let's see... where should I start? I hope this can include some people as well!! I'm pretty sure it isn't supposed to, but too bad!! If you want to make it count add "talking to/spending time with" to the front of those! This is in no particular order, except for the first four spots.

1. My son
2. My husband
3. The rest of our family
4. My friends, especially including blogger friends!!
5. My cats
6. Listening to music
7. Going to farmer's markets (food & taking photos, always fun!)
8. Working in our raised beds
9. Photoshop - editing photos is kind of exciting!
10. My camera/photography
11. My computer
12. Going to the beach
13. Vacationing
14. Relaxing
15. Blogging
16. Sleeping in (doesn't happen often)
17. Watching movies or television box-sets
18. Snuggling
19. Reading, although I don't do it often
20. Crocheting (sometimes, I'm a little slow on it)

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

And we're off...

I just took my first dose of doxycycline and clomid this morning. The doxycycline they're having me take 100 mg twice a day, two days before my HSG, the day of and the day after. The clomid I'm on 50mg twice a day from CD 5-9. I still haven't gotten my results back from the ob/gyn office about what my FSH and estradiol levels were from the 23rd, which I'm anxious about. Figures when you call for them they don't call back? I guess it hasn't been 24 hours since I left a message so I still have time to wait. I'm not that patient. LOL.

I'm a little nervous about the HSG, I really don't know what to "expect" on terms of pain. I got my Ibuprofen ready to take an hour before the procedure so hopefully that will help. My husband is getting off Friday morning to watch little man while I'm there, which will be good. I just hope it's not that bad since I plan to leave them at home since no one really wants to sit in an office that long.

We'll see how it goes. Hopefully I get over my jitters, since I know it needs to be done!

Day 5- your favorite quote

I really like a couple quotes, most of them fit with life and with heart ache which is what I've been experiencing lately. One is "I never said it would be easy, only worth it" and one that I heard from the television show Scrubs from Bob Kelso, "Nothing in this world worth having comes easy".

Those two quotes are both right, nothing in this world worth having comes to us easily. I think the people who work hard to achieve want they want or have received appreciate it more then those who have it happen faster. At least that's how I'm looking at it as :)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Day 4- your favorite book

This one is particularly hard to come up with an answer to because I never seem to have the time to read books. *Insert other excuses here* I know, lame to have excuses when it comes to certain things! If I have time to be on the computer, I have time to read. If I have time to watch a movie, I have time to read. This excuse also stops me from exercising! It stinks.

I don't have a favorite book. I will occasionally read them, but have yet to find a favorite. Why, you may ask? Because I usually only read self-help books. When I started having my funk last weekend due to getting my period and all the stuff I've put up with I pulled out some of my self-help books. The first one I started reading (and still am reading) is "What about the BIG stuff?" I really am enjoying the book. I decided to be evil and take a highlighter to the book for the stuff that fits my life and things I need to listen to. I figured it's the best way to pay attention to what it says by marking it up.

I'll add a few paragraphs from the book every so often. Here's the first chapter of "What about the BIG stuff?" called "Learn from the big stuff" which says on page 7:

"Why do we so often forget to enjoy the process of life while it's unfolding? Why are we so preoccupied with rushing through everything? ... Is there a way to slow down and enjoy the process? Is it possible that, if we were to do so, we wouldn't have the same regrets."
I think with fertility it always is a race, that's the issue. Ever notice those smug pregnant people who are always showing off and saying "oh it only took me getting off birth control to conceive" or "finally after three months we conceived"? It's hard not to look at every thing as a race. But when did sex become something to stop enjoying and do just to procreate? That's what infertility feels like sometimes.. just doing it because you want to catch the egg.

Hopefully I can lay back and enjoy this ride... I know we'll have more children. I don't know when, but I should just enjoy the process. I'll have to read more of this book.

Monday, August 23, 2010

Scheduled the appointments

*Question for others on the bottom!!*

Well, we got the appointments scheduled for me! I had to go in for some CD 3 blood work today - that included estradiol, FSH, and Inhibin B test. I kept talking to the nurse a few times this morning asking questions so she had to get back to me a few times. I asked the nurse WHY the ob/gyn didn't want to do the other testing (like LH, prolactin, progesterone, TSH, DHEAS, Testosterone, or anything like that) and she told me she didn't know. Why I don't know since I asked her the first time to ask about adding tests to make sure we have everything! So already I'm frustrated. I *know* I'm not going to a professional who deals solely in IF like I need to, but the first step was this. It also sucks because when we talked at my IF appointment before I got pregnant we mentioned when I'm on clomid getting follicle ultrasounds. I asked the nurse about that and the ob/gyn said no to it because I'm not doing IVF. Excuse me if I'm wrong, but doesn't it make sense to see if clomid is doing any good? So I feel she's already failing on what I need, seeing as these are things we discussed, she said yes to, and now doesn't have them in her notes so going against what she said first!

I guess it worries me that we'll do clomid for 4-6 months, she won't do what should be getting done and when we go to the RE they'll tell us all that work was in vain and to try again on clomid. I really don't want any more wasted time, you know? We'll see how it goes. I don't like the thought of one hour drives each way to the RE, but eventually we'll be down that road. I just prefer to try this route first.

I have a couple questions for everyone!!

1. My HSG is in four days!! Did any one else have it and what did they think of it? And also, did any of your doctors tell you to stop metformin before then if you took it? I'm getting mixed signs on this. Everything I read says to stop it 48 hours prior and my OB/gyn says to stay on it.

2. Also, any one know more about the clomid challenge test (ccct)? I know it says if your FSH is elevated on CD 3 or CD 10 test that it's abnormal, or if you're estradiol level is above 80. This brings me to ask.. I had a estradiol level test done a month before my pregnancy and it was 82. What does this all mean? And is it true that if your results are abnormal you have less chance for pregnancy to occur? I'm so lost by it all.

Day 3 - your favorite TV program

Out of the 8 years we've been married, we haven't had cable for that amount of time! Which of course means the only ways I get to see any television shows are if I want to buy the box-sets or watch it somewhere on vacation (like my mom's house). So as you can imagine I don't see many new television shows.

However if I went with the top one I'm interested in that is still on air it's PSYCH. Absolutely love it. I also love Scrubs, but haven't seen that for a few years either. I think there is one or two more box-sets for me to buy of that show! And my newest interested is Drop Dead Diva, but I've only see the first 2 episodes of it since my mom showed it to me the night before we had to start heading back to our home. I was disappointed, it looked kind of cute :)

Honestly, you should see my collection of television box-sets! And the sad thing is for my birthday next month or for Christmas I'll probably get more *fingers crossed*

Sunday, August 22, 2010

I NEED to...

I really need to get control of my weight. It sucks having PCOS and insulin resistance and I know my problems would be in control/easier if I lost weight. Why do I suffer motivation? Why can't I do what I did before and just DO IT? I have to do it.. I know my weight is the cause of our issues.. so why can't I just DEAL? Any one else feel that way? I say we get on the bandwagon, lace our shoes up, go for a walk, or work out on our dusty old treadmills (or in my case stationary bike) and do it.. not tomorrow, TODAY!! Well, okay tomorrow for me since it's 10:30 pm and I need to sleep.

I'm just frustrated at myself. I used to hold motivation, I used to do it no complaints but now I cannot just suck it up and try. I never was thin, but at least when I weighed less my body didn't tell me to screw off!

Day 2 - Your favorite movie

This is just as bad as asking me my favorite song! I love movies - I'll watch them often. I love going to bed watching movies or television box-sets, they help me fall asleep faster (assuming I have watched them recently, otherwise I love trying to stay up late watching them over again).

I could tell you my favorite type of movies. I *love* romantic comedies. I'm not too keen on natural disaster, action, or blood & gore movies. Don't get me wrong, there's some very good movies out there I've watched with those subjects (and are in my movie cabinets) I just would never label one as my favorite.

I really do love a lot of movies. I used to watch "While you were sleeping" with Sandra Bullock all the time, so that's one of my top favorites. "Last Holiday", "Kate & Leopold" and "Knotting Hill" are also up there!

If you think there's a romantic or comedy movie out there you are surprised I don't love, it's probably because I haven't seen it yet!

Want to see some of our collection of movies?

And yes, sorry that photo sucked! Couldn't take a good one and the flash cut out some names, but you get the idea! We also have probably 30 on the floor that we want to watch again and decide if we want to donate them and about 40 disney/pixar/dreamworks dvds & vhs's as well :)

I do love movies.. haven't watched many lately.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Life's cruel joke...

AF decided to show up a bit earlier then I assumed, which isn't bad but of course it makes the weekend bite a little. But that's not the cruelest joke played on me today... we go out to a farmer's market and sit down with our meal next to two couples, one has a three month old (which is what I would've had if I didn't miscarry #2) and one was pregnant and must have her gender ultrasound (where I would have been passed if I didn't have miscarriage #3) so they were going on chatting away with each other about everything pregnancy and baby wise . I wanted to cry. And then of course a very pregnant and ready to pop lady walked right by me, which of course when you're sitting down means a belly bump in your face.

It's great for them, but just a reminder of that I'm on my period instead of where they are. I hate periods, but they're a blessing in disguise. I just want to go without the discomfort of feeling cramps and, well, bleeding. I'd love to be in a pregnant ladies shoes - even if it meant the shoes were covered from puking too much.

Day 1 - Your Favorite Song

This one is tough, because I never hold favorite when it comes to things like songs. I love a lot, but to chose one in specific is a challenge! I'm guessing it's like telling an artist to chose their favorite sketch or painting. They love all their work, but choosing one as their favorite can be a tad difficult.

If I had to chose one of the ones I'd say I would never get sick listening to and really love (definitely a top 10) it'd be Bryan Adams "Have you ever really loved a woman?" The whole song is so beautiful, well played, wonderful singer and it's romantic. Let's face it, I'm a romantic! My favorite lyrics in the song is "when you can see your unborn children in her eyes, you know you really love a woman."

To put it best, almost all the songs on this youtube video "Worst Songs Medley" are songs I love (warning *a couple bad words are said*):

Friday, August 20, 2010

Welcome ICLW!!!!

Welcome ICLW bloggers!!!

I didn't do this last month since I was out on vacation and knew I wouldn't be able to keep up with it as much as I would have loved to. I did do it the month before which my first time and I know I did fail miserably but I did find some new bloggers I love following and keeping an eye on!! Although I just wish they were having better luck on the TTC front as well. As much as it's good to have people around who know how you're feeling I'd appreciate if there was good news for every one!

I'll introduce myself.. my name is Krystal. I've been married to my husband for 8 years and we have one son together who is 4 1/2 years old. I talk about them a lot on my other blog. My husband is in the military, Navy, to be specific. We've been all over it seems. We both met and married in Idaho, then shortly after moved to South Carolina for 2 years, Georgia for another 2, and have been at our current location in Washington for 5 years and counting.

I love photography, which oddly enough I never put on this blog. I should change that! I'm a crafty person but lazy when it comes to crafts so I spend my time being artistic designing things with photoshop instead. I'm still a beginner, but have had fun opening up my own zazzle store A little bit of fun and Tshirts for a cause where I have a variety of t-shirts, hats, and other items using what I've done. I'm not successful in my attempts to be a work at home mother, but I try!

Oh, yeah.. and another thing... I suffer from miscarriages and infertility. I think that's a given! My history is pretty laid out on the IF History tab above my blog as well, but here is the overview: We tried 2 1/2 years and one miscarriage to conceive my son. We decided 14 months after he was born to bless him with a sibling. 3 1/2 years TTC and two miscarriages later is where we are today. My last miscarriage was May 22, so three months and I just had to take provera to induce a period since it wasn't happening on it's own. I've been diagnosed with pcos, insulin resistance, and vitamin d deficiency.

I want to welcome every one again! Thanks for visiting!

30 day blog journal...

I've seen people doing something similar on other people's blogs, and I want my blog journal to be more then me bitching and whining about my miscarriages, infertility, and others getting pregnant so I'm vowing to do a 30 day blog where each day you'll learn something about me! Now some of these will be hard, since things like *favorites* I don't always have, so it'll probably be the top favorites or a choice from them! So, here's what every one will know about me soon by 30 days:

30 day blog journal...

Day 1-your favorite song
Day 2-your favorite movie
Day 3-your favorite television program
Day 4- your favorite book
Day 5-your favorite quote
Day 6- 20 of my favorite things
Day 7-a photo that makes you happy
Day 8-a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9-a photo you took
Day 10-a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11-a photo of you recently
Day 12-something you are OCD about
Day 13-a fictional book
Day 14-a non-fictional book
Day 15-your dream house
Day 16-a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17-an art piece (drawing,sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18-my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19-a talent of yours
Day 20-a hobby of yours
Day 21-a recipe
Day 22-a website
Day 23-a youtube video
Day 24-where I live
Day 25-your day, in great detail
Day 26-your week, in great detail
Day 27-my worst habit
Day 28-whats in my handbag/purse
Day 29-hopes,dreams and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30- a dream for the future

I'll start tomorrow afternoon since I'll be introducing myself to the ICLW'ers either tonight or tomorrow morning.

Thursday, August 19, 2010

How do you like the blog now?

*I know I posted this yesterday but I wanted people's honest opinions and when I post late at night I don't think many people see my blog*

I decided to look for some new blog templates and came across this one! It showed I had looked at this one previously, which is odd because I think it looks beautiful. What does every one else think?

Still waiting on AF. Just finished provera yesterday so I'm hoping it won't be more than four days until I can finally be out of this "cycle" from Hell.

How is every one doing lately? I've been reading everyone's blogs and trying to keep up! I don't always post but want to keep an eye on every one. I'm hoping for happier days for every one and soon!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

How do you let go?

I'm always amazed by my "invisible" friends who have gone through their own trials and pain yet still have a positive outlook on things. How they are able to let go of their pain and worry? I'm always proud of how strong they are, but wonder... what do I need to do to let go of every thing I fear and am hurt from?

I usually can tell when my period will come by how I'm feeling. Obviously being that I just finished up my 5 days of provera today it should be soon, but otherwise I know because my emotions hit harder. I'm finding myself more upset reading everyone's blog because of their pains. I feel suffering for them and everything I've been through. I'm hurting and hard.

With my first miscarriage I remember being so hurt especially after trying for two years, but four months later I was comforted when I got pregnant with my beautiful son. I remember the pain slowly going away as I was filled with joy when I started filling kicks. And suddenly it was so real and worth it that the pain was gone. When our son was a year old we decided to try again so he would have a sibling to look forward to. Aldon wanted 3-5 children and I suggested 2-3, so we met in the middle with 3. So I never had my head set on only one child, even though I wouldn't change it for the world. And now going through almost 3 1/2 years of TTC and two miscarriage I'm wearing my pain on my shoulder. I'm so grateful for my son, but I always hoped he'd have a sibling of his own. All of his cousins do! I worry someday he'll ask me why he doesn't have siblings and I wouldn't know what to say. What mother wants to tell their child that they have had losses?

I know my situation could be worse, I see it when I read other blogs. My heart goes out to them so much, but seriously.. how do you get to become so strong and full of faith?

I think I might look into seeing a therapist soon, but know I want to search for one who deals with infertility and pregnancy loss. I don't know if I can find one who will show sympathy and understanding but hopefully it's possible. I love my blog because it's therapeutic writing every thing down but maybe it's time to see if there's something more I can do to get to "letting go" as well.

Any one recommend any books? Doesn't need to be pregnancy loss related even, just something to help me find peace I need.

Writing it down has helped... but I still wish I could get over the worry. Sometimes I wonder... should we keep trying if all we're faced is with miscarriages? I've seen the light out of the end of the tunnel before but cannot seem to see it right now.

Wanted to add, I know people will probably think I'm weird, but when Pandora plays this one song it makes me happy. I don't know why but I always smile and of course it played when I started writing this blog, so I had to look up the video for it:

Feel free to judge me! I know I do. LOL.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

Provera & Metformin

Well, it's day 3 of provera and metformin. I am praying provera will make this cycle end soon! I expect it to be here in 7 days since it seems to usually come 10 days after my first pill or sooner. I know it's sad when others would love to not have a period, but I'm the completely opposite! Without my period I'm just stuck in a cycle from hell that I want over. I honestly think some women don't realize the blessing a period can bring! For people that are trying to conceive a period means the world to them, although it also brings the pain of another failed cycle. Why does infertility and TTC have to be so hard?

As for the metformin - I decided on that myself. I've had doctors tried to stick me on it a few times but I couldn't "stomach" the first few days and how bad I felt. Thankfully with the help of taking metformin and a Metamucil psyllium fiber capsule I'm doing just fine. I figured with my IR and PCOS it didn't hurt to actually take it, and they agreed. My doctor put me on 1500mg but I told them I could only promise the first while I'd take 500mg so I didn't upset my stomach too bad. So we'll see how it goes.

As for me designing shirts? I've been having fun with them lately and finally getting around to writing infertility shirts! I need to do more, but I'm slacking off since I'm trying to relax (that and so many ideas swarm my head I cannot keep control of it)... so perhaps I'll dedicate more time to it tomorrow. However, for your viewing pleasures here are my favorite so far:

The women's sizes run small, so follow their size chart. I probably will put my work on cafepress soon since they actually include plus sizes, but for now that's why I enabled it so people can chose men sizes for those shirts - because they actually go up to 6x. That and their shirts are cheaper!

Anyway, I love designing stuff. I don't sell anything, but it's fun to put my ideas into designs. Makes me feel more comforted. I'll probably be buying some of my own work soon since I would love to wear it at the ob/gyn office!

Thursday, August 12, 2010

My "invisible friends"...

I don't have many people respond to my posts, or check up on me (at least not that I'm aware of)... however there's many people out there who don't know I check up on often. Any one in my follow list that's been having TTC issues or is trying to adopt I make sure to check in for updates often on my blogger front page. I find myself crying for them when they're hurting or happy for them when something wonderful happens. It's amazing how people I've never met I feel so much empathy for. For the ones who long to be mothers, who are trying to adopt but are going through some very tough hurdles, for every one.

I've noticed a lot lately there's been a lot of hardships with the majority of my invisible friends. It seems we are all struggling lately - from adoptions slipping through our hands, a majority of miscarriages, or having yet one more BFN. It's heart-aching to see. It's times like this where you realize infertility is a battle many people suffer. We each go through our own trials, our own pain, and hopefully in the end we'll all rise on top.

Amazingly when I searched Zazzle for infertility shirts I saw only 265!! 265 items addressing infertility... I was in shock. Even pregnancy loss only has 368 items. I always question - is there just not enough awareness, do people not care enough, or are some too embarrassed by the struggles that have got them to where they are today? Me? I wear my heart on my shoulder, I will sputter to any one listening about my battles.. about my triumphs and my losses. My struggles and my babies are a big part of my life.

I wish there would be a day where pregnancy loss and infertility were not apart of our vocabulary, but I know that's the trial some of us face. I wish that people would address it nicer, and others who don't know where we come from would stop their stupidity. I wish there was a day where those who never understood would feel the pain I feel for each of my invisible friends. May you all find happiness, love, and comfort.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Our detailed plan... finally

Yesterday my husband and I had a talk... of course I *had* to have it around midnight, which made it harder to have, but we figured things out between yesterday and today. We've discussed laying off trying to conceive 10 months before he gets out of the military, so there were not any extra stresses or concerns while he's hunting for a civilian job. Of course this bothers me, and might change in the future... but it gives us an idea of how long we have left until we possibly will stop. We have 19 months. 19 months left of giving it our all trying to conceive and have another baby. When looking at it as a time line it is a little scary! So we broke it down on what's next.

• First thing is my weight. This a a BIG thing, as I've got to continually focus on healthy options, exercise, and weight loss. I really feel like my weight has had a big influence on my fertility and my miscarriages, considering I have PCOS. So that means watching what choices of foods I pick and exercising. Most likely I'll consider going back on metformin to aid in my insulin levels, and just suffer while my stomach gets used to it. I have to ask about them when I talk to them next! Which should be in an hour or tomorrow, if they don't get back to me before they close. I have to still make my weight loss goal, but it's a big part of the process.

• I've called the nurses about my lack of a real period, she's talking to the doctor about if they should do hormonal tests or give me the provera. I told her that pregnancy tests are coming out negative, I know I haven't ovulated and my chart indicates pre-O temperatures still. But she'll still discuss this issue... and as much as I hate going on medically inducing a period, I'm sick of this never ending cycle so I want it done. I just went in to the nurses get a blood test, they insisted on having one done before starting provera even though I told them I know I wasn't - something about needing to ovulate to actually get pregnant. So the deal is now once that tests says I'm not pregnant I get provera to start everything we originally planned on doing months ago, before the pregnancy and miscarriage:
CD 1 - Call the ob/gyn clinic for getting appointments and blood work set up.
CD 3- Go in for Cycle Day 3 blood work, including anything related to the Clomid Challenge and Inhibin B tests
CD 5-9 - Take clomid 50mg/day
HSG done sometime in between all this, usually within a week or so after my period I believe.
CD 10 - Second test related to Clomid Challenge

And she said she'd have me having ultrasounds and checking in to see how my follicles are progressing on this.

7dpo - Progesterone test

• Going on clomid 3-6 cycles. Talked about at 3-4 months re-evaluating how things are going and if 2-3 more months is going to make a difference at all, or if it's worth going to the next step.

• Next step is IUI's, possibly IUI/Follitism (?) depending on what the doctor and us discuss. I'm not sure how many cycles makes sense on IUI's, but we discussed 3 cycles of IUI before re-evaluating again. This part becomes more struggle for us, considering we will now be heading a one hour drive to get to appointments since the only approve military RE's are in Tacoma. I think it'll be 3-6 cycles in all of IUI before we truly move on.

• After 3-6 IUI cycles heading onto IVF. This will be only 2 cycles, but even then I don't know how it will go because there usually is a wait at the military RE's office.

At that point in time we'll probably hit the 19 month mark if we get that far, so then we'll have a break. Once Aldon gets settled in with a job and a steady income we're pursuing adoption.

I feel better having a plan, but at the same time it's kind of overwhelming. Going into the OB/gyn office for blood work I tried avoiding the pregnant bellies but they were every where, of course. And one has a shirt on with a fetus saying something... cannot remember what that shirt is, but I have the sudden urge to design infertility shirts with snarky/smart-ass or some kind of other comments to wear *specifically* while at their office.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Ever have one of those days?

Ever have one of those days where you just hurt and need to address it? I'm feeling that today - so many emotions. I've been spotting the last four days, awaiting and hoping for my period. It's been about 2 months 1 week since my miscarriage and I'm ready for this to be over with. I feel like I'm in limbo, since I haven't ovulated but cannot count this as a period yet since all it's been is spotting.

Of course when I'm in limbo like this - I have to make myself bawl. Not intentionally, but it seems when I'm feeling hurt the most I listen to this song below, which makes me think of all the babies I've lost:

I know that song wasn't intended for pregnancy loss, but was wrote for another purpose... however for me it will always be about my loss. Another song I listen to on days like this is:

So as you can imagine I'm spending this time feeling what I need to... I'm hoping part of these emotions are PMS, but until I actually get a flow I don't know what to consider it. I want it to be over as well, because I'm supposed to call the ob/gyn cycle day 1 to schedule an HSG which I have to work around my husband's schedule! It sucks when you're looking forward to get a period..

I'd still appreciate if any one who has decided to do IUI's, IVF's, or adoption would respond to my blog Jump then Fall, if you don't mind!! I really think we need to go further.

I think soon I'll start working on my Zazzle's line of adoption/IF/pregnancy loss shirts... I feel like I need to.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Jump then fall

Okay, so my title was going to be "what's next?" but I was listening to Pandora and this song just came on. Kind of appropriate... considering choices while dealing with infertility really can be a jump then fall.

I've been wondering a lot about what's next. I've read many people's blogs, stories much similar to mine, and have seen a few who chose to start pursuing adoption. They've been dealing with IF or RPL issues just like me and sometimes for less time than I have so it brings me the question, what makes people pursue adoption so quickly? Or is it not "quickly"... rather that I'm behind? If that makes any sense.

I love seeing people's adoptions stories, I honestly am excited to see their updates. It just makes me wonder... where my husband and I are on the next step. And what is the next step? We haven't done everything obviously - It's been 3 years 4 months since we started TTC our second bundle of joy and have had two miscarriages since then. What should we do next? We've been doing charting for the last 12 months and the rest of the time was just having sex when we wanted to. I've done clomid two cycles about 12 months ago as well, but felt like I was too emotional on it. Come to find out... I'm just emotional!

I think we will start with 3-6 months of clomid again and see how it goes. I know clomid dries up CM so I'll be doing everything in my power those cycles to keep a "hospitable environment". But what's next after clomid? I honestly think we'll be heading down the road to IUI, but IVF afterward ? I really don't know! What has been every one's experience with IVF? How do you afford it? I'm worried since my husband and I are saving for the future since in 2 1/2 years he'll be civilian bound so I don't see how that can be an affordable option after IUI if we cannot get pregnant.

So my question for every one - what made you decide to go onto IUI, IVF or adoption? I'd love to hear from others!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Glad to be home

I honestly must say, even though I loved visiting my hometown I'm glad to be home. It's great seeing friends and family but in a way it's also tiresome. The drive, scheduling time for every one, making sure not to forget anything, etc etc. It can take a lot out of someone!

I'm glad to be able to relax at home, but at the same time now there is a lot on my my mind. On vacation you try to think less of your infertility and pregnancy losses and more on having fun. Okay, I admit I did think about it. I did check my cervical fluid (which showed me being fertile like three times during our vacation), I did weep over pregnant people and newborn babies, and I did sputter to some friends about my difficulties and my heartache. I admit the vacation wasn't always fun for that reason.

So what's in store for us? I really don't know - I still haven't had a period since my miscarriage so I haven't been able to get the HSG done. I guess I'll be starting to chart soon to make sure I didn't ovulate, but the pregnancy test I took today said BFN which doesn't surprise me. So the next few days will be getting back into the routine of checking my temperature before I get up. Fun, huh?

I wish I knew what to do next. I feel like we're at a standstill right now and I don't know which way to go. I'm need a plan... maybe that will make me feel more "in control". If only we really could be in control of our fertility!