Primary and secondary infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss. PCOS. Insulin Resistance. Low progesterone. Vitamin D deficient. 3 1/2 years and 3 (more) clomid cycle cautiously expecting #2!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

Today we go camping...

In two hours we'll make our 2-hour journey from my mother's house to where my husband's family will be camping. Am I excited? A little bit, but mostly nervous.

I had a great time this week - aside from bawling twice when we saw our SIL and their three children. All they could do is talk about babies and children. It's good they are so in love with their children, but isn't there more to talk about? There's more to life then having children.. I hope. I love my son, but there's more to talk about then his talking, food schedule and bowel movements. There's interests... hobbies... a whole world of things that should matter in life as well. Perhaps my life is better because of that. If I could think like that more often, I'd be set.

Anyway, hope every one has a good weekend!! We'll camp until Saturday, head back to my mom's at noon and Sunday head on our 14 hour drive home. I'll be glad in a way to get to go home and relax.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Just a little down

Currently visiting family in Idaho, so that is why I've been silent lately - was busy getting our house cleaner before we left, getting packed and then getting here. It's been busy, but good... for the most part.

As some of you know, I had a miscarriage last year in September and a month later my SIL told every one she was pregnant AND due no less when I was supposed to be. She had two children already in the time I was TTC, so it was a big blow. It broke my heart to deal with a miscarriage, no less her being pregnant when I should have been. I admit I never coped, her pregnancy and delivery was always a reminder (no matter how far away they lived).

So when we came to visit family I told my DH I really preferred if he saw them alone, I knew I wouldn't handle seeing them with their three children at this point in time, being as I had another miscarriage 2 months ago. Wounds are still fresh. Well, yesterday his father had a BBQ and DH invited all his family, including them. It took about 10 minutes, maybe less, of them being in the house until I had to excuse myself to bawl. I just couldn't handle it, it's too much pain right now. The rest of the BBQ was me in the corner watching my son play, listening to SIL and BIL talk to others about their 2-month old pride and joy and their other children. I know I probably came across as a bitch, but I have the right to be emotional. I feel like sometimes people forget that.

So tonight I caved in and told DH to offer an invite to them while we have other family members at this one pizza place that has a big area for kid's to play. I will try to be calm and handle it, but it still will hurt. This SIL decided to tell my father-in-law about my miscarriage in September. She had *NO* right to do that, no less the FIL tells me on the phone "sorry for your spontaneous abortion". I was pissed - I don't give a damn if it's a medical term, that frustrated me just so much. The baby was wanted, so I never want that term used around me. I honestly don't know how long it will be until I be honest to my SIL and tell her she had no right, but it's been on my mind a ton. She doesn't get it - she's never had an issue trying to conceive ever, she hasn't had a miscarriage, she's had three children in three years.

Anyway, I wish people understood more, or at least showed sympathy. It sucks to be honest and tell someone something in confidence and have them stab you in the back. She doesn't know about my newest miscarriage and I don't know if I'll ever tell her. I guess I should chill - but everything going on with her has bothered me. Hopefully I'll get over it and heal sooner than later.. but for now I'm just feeling bummed.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

Something is missing

I'm feeling kind of in a rut lately... like something is missing. It's so frustrating and I know what I'm missing - I'm missing my babies. I don't like talking about religion much, because I know it brings up bad feelings for some people and causes arguments but my husband is Mormon and I'm Lutheran Christian. I wasn't raised the best with religion since my mother worked often (single mom) so I'm trying to find a religion for us. So we have the missionaries come over and today it stirred up bad blood in me when they made me feel like just because I'm not a Mormon I wouldn't go up to heaven and be with the children I lost. I don't know if they meant to make me feel that way - but I almost had to excuse myself in the middle since I was about to bawl. Why wouldn't I be with my children? So religion decides on what my children will mean to me when I die? I beg to differ. I also felt like they were telling me to get over it. They wouldn't understand. Anyway... I hope no one was offended in any way.

In a few weeks we'll be going to my husband's family reunion. We're heading there early so we can also spend time with my mother, which will be nice for us. And then we camp for three days, which will be interesting since I've never been camping. Since my miscarriage I have yet to ovulate or have a period, so you bet I know what I'll be packing for this trip. I'm not too excited. In fact I think that's making me more emotional - I'm waiting to finally get a period. And I'm starting to feel fear... fear I'll never get pregnant and fear that when I do I'll miscarry again. But what is worse? I cannot decide what my biggest fear is. Do I stop trying completely or do I try, fail, and try again? I'm seriously between a rock and hard place.

Did I mention I had two pregnancy announcements within a day of each other a week or so ago? I'm excited for them, but at the same time jealous. When is it our turn? Why do I not deserve it? No less one of the ladies thinks she is due when I should have been. Why is this the second miscarriage I've had when someone was due when I would have been? It hurts.