Primary and secondary infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss. PCOS. Insulin Resistance. Low progesterone. Vitamin D deficient. 3 1/2 years and 3 (more) clomid cycle cautiously expecting #2!

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Just a little down

Currently visiting family in Idaho, so that is why I've been silent lately - was busy getting our house cleaner before we left, getting packed and then getting here. It's been busy, but good... for the most part.

As some of you know, I had a miscarriage last year in September and a month later my SIL told every one she was pregnant AND due no less when I was supposed to be. She had two children already in the time I was TTC, so it was a big blow. It broke my heart to deal with a miscarriage, no less her being pregnant when I should have been. I admit I never coped, her pregnancy and delivery was always a reminder (no matter how far away they lived).

So when we came to visit family I told my DH I really preferred if he saw them alone, I knew I wouldn't handle seeing them with their three children at this point in time, being as I had another miscarriage 2 months ago. Wounds are still fresh. Well, yesterday his father had a BBQ and DH invited all his family, including them. It took about 10 minutes, maybe less, of them being in the house until I had to excuse myself to bawl. I just couldn't handle it, it's too much pain right now. The rest of the BBQ was me in the corner watching my son play, listening to SIL and BIL talk to others about their 2-month old pride and joy and their other children. I know I probably came across as a bitch, but I have the right to be emotional. I feel like sometimes people forget that.

So tonight I caved in and told DH to offer an invite to them while we have other family members at this one pizza place that has a big area for kid's to play. I will try to be calm and handle it, but it still will hurt. This SIL decided to tell my father-in-law about my miscarriage in September. She had *NO* right to do that, no less the FIL tells me on the phone "sorry for your spontaneous abortion". I was pissed - I don't give a damn if it's a medical term, that frustrated me just so much. The baby was wanted, so I never want that term used around me. I honestly don't know how long it will be until I be honest to my SIL and tell her she had no right, but it's been on my mind a ton. She doesn't get it - she's never had an issue trying to conceive ever, she hasn't had a miscarriage, she's had three children in three years.

Anyway, I wish people understood more, or at least showed sympathy. It sucks to be honest and tell someone something in confidence and have them stab you in the back. She doesn't know about my newest miscarriage and I don't know if I'll ever tell her. I guess I should chill - but everything going on with her has bothered me. Hopefully I'll get over it and heal sooner than later.. but for now I'm just feeling bummed.


Jackie said...

((hugs)) I'm sorry you're feeling down. If I may say so, however, seeing your SIL, even for a few minutes, is a huge first step and you should be proud of yourself for handling it! Having to excuse yourself isn't being a bitch, it's preserving your already fragile emotions. No one should expect you to just jump head-first into hours-long conversations with her. That's like trying to run a marathon without training - you have to start out running around the block first, kwim?
I hope that things start looking up for you soon.

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