Tomorrow is my birthday, it also is the day I will be going to a doctor to talk about my miscarriage. We'll be doing blood work in the morning and that is all I really know. I already know the blood work will be close to zero since I got a very faint positive on a pregnancy test today. It's going in the right direction. As I was looking for answers to WHY this happened I came across:
Excess weight does not contribute to a miscarriage; however, PCOS, which is common in overweight women, does create a higher statistical chance of pregnancy loss than in the general population. The reason is related to hormone imbalance. Both elevated LH and testosterone are linked to miscarriage, as is insulin resistance.
Wouldn't you know most of those issues I have? I have been diagnosed with PCOS, I have insulin resistance and last I checked my testosterone was a little higher than normal. It says treatments are available to help - but I've declined spironolactone and metformin because of how I feel on them. I focused on losing weight and lost 40 pounds since I was last tested and I know weight loss can help those issues. I guess I'm wondering did I do something wrong to cause this? I know I probably didn't, but I guess it will be something I bring up with the ob/gyn tomorrow. I'm hoping they'll do more, I just really wish they believed in testing progresterone levels.
I've been looking back on my TTC blog I had the first time I was trying for a child. I was so focused on losing weight afterward that I lost 20 pounds between my miscarriage and finding out I was pregnant again four months later. That's what I'm aiming for - losing weight again. Granted I still cannot seem to find the strength in me to start, but I will dig it up. I got a recipe book from the biggest loser and it has a few meals I'm willing to try out in there. It sucks to start over, but I know I need to do this for me. So for the next few months my discussions might be focused more on weight loss since my DH will be out on a submarine until December, when we will start to TTC again.
Honestly though... isn't it good to focus on your health along with TTC? I do believe so. I miss how I felt when I weighed less, it's time to go back!
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
How do you heal?
It's been a day since I started bleeding heavily, since I was told my HcG level was only 167 around 4 pm. I had gotten my blood drawn prior to the ER, at 10:30 AM that morning and I found out today it was 245. What causes a miscarriage to happen so fast? How can I be pregnant one moment and not the next? I honestly think it could have been my progesterone level, considering the first few days after ovulation I had two fall back rises, but alas the ER and my ob/gyn don't believe in testing for that. I failed to mention they're both in the naval hospital. They don't believe in helping a person out 100%... anyway, I'll never know the true issue.
All the OB nurses say at this point is if I have one more miscarriage they'll transfer me to a different Navy hospital 30+ minutes away for infertility care, I assume. What kind of help is that? I can't see a specialist here because my insurance does not approve any closeby, but they won't do anything for me. I seriously don't understand why people should have to travel so far away to be seen or helped out.
It's hard dealing and coping with it - my husband can be only here so much, he's getting prepared to go out to sea soon. I know he's hurting as much as I do - this month was painful in the first place seeing as September 8th was the one year anniversary of his mother, my mother-in-law, Patsy's death. It's harsh adding another death to that list. To make it worse I'm being checked out for a follow-up September 25th, my birthday, to make sure my beta numbers are back to 0. What a shitty birthday present, I know. Hopefully I can figure a way to make my birthday better after that point, but I know it's going to be full of tears. It was the closest appointment they had and unfortunately the most convenient one, otherwise I'd be waiting a while until they had an appointment early enough for me. We deal with what we're given I guess. I just wish the pain would fade. I feel like I have no where to go anymore. I used to talk on the TTC boards I visited when we were trying, and the pregnancy boards when we found out we're pregnant.. but I really feel depressed visiting any boards lately, especially the infertility one.
"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."
Time heals all wounds... right?
All the OB nurses say at this point is if I have one more miscarriage they'll transfer me to a different Navy hospital 30+ minutes away for infertility care, I assume. What kind of help is that? I can't see a specialist here because my insurance does not approve any closeby, but they won't do anything for me. I seriously don't understand why people should have to travel so far away to be seen or helped out.
It's hard dealing and coping with it - my husband can be only here so much, he's getting prepared to go out to sea soon. I know he's hurting as much as I do - this month was painful in the first place seeing as September 8th was the one year anniversary of his mother, my mother-in-law, Patsy's death. It's harsh adding another death to that list. To make it worse I'm being checked out for a follow-up September 25th, my birthday, to make sure my beta numbers are back to 0. What a shitty birthday present, I know. Hopefully I can figure a way to make my birthday better after that point, but I know it's going to be full of tears. It was the closest appointment they had and unfortunately the most convenient one, otherwise I'd be waiting a while until they had an appointment early enough for me. We deal with what we're given I guess. I just wish the pain would fade. I feel like I have no where to go anymore. I used to talk on the TTC boards I visited when we were trying, and the pregnancy boards when we found out we're pregnant.. but I really feel depressed visiting any boards lately, especially the infertility one.
"God, Give us the grace to accept with serenity
the things that cannot be changed, Courage
to change the things which should be changed,
And the wisdom to distinguish the one from the other."
Time heals all wounds... right?
Monday, September 21, 2009
Short lived
I won't be saying much, because updating every one has made me physically tired. Unfortunately my pregnancy was short-lived, today I started bleeding heavily and went into the ER. A few ultrasounds and more blood work later it was determined I'm experiencing a spontaneous miscarriage. All I can say is the pain I'm feeling due to cramping is no where near the pain I feel losing this pregnancy. Two miscarriages. It's rough. All I can do is cry and take hope knowing someday soon we'll be blessed.
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
It's time to update!!
So sorry I haven't been around here the last while to update. Well I got my BFP 6 days ago!! What did I do different? Nothing. I still charted, baby danced when we had time (since he was working more), took B-complex vitamins after ovulation, took omega 3-6-9, extra vitamin C, a calcium chewable and prenatal. The only thing I really did different is stop looking into the symptoms I had when I was in the two week wait. I noticed most of my "pregnancy symptoms" were signs of an impending AF so I stopped focusing on those. I let the 2ww go at it's own pace - including telling my DH to hide the tests from me until it was time!
Well I convince him early to let me test at 11 dpo - but he gave me a blue dye and I was worried the line was an evaporation, since I've heard so many people got them. He let me try an Answer pregnancy test but the "line" on there was only seen if we looked at many different angles so I didn't trust that either. My husband had a duty day next day - so he said it'd have to be two days until I tested again. Well I cheated and went out and bought myself some dollar tree tests. A light line appeared! Went out and bought myself a digital pregnancy test and "pregnant" came up just as fast!
I got one of those little paper gift bags and tissue paper, put the tissue paper in it along with the pregnant test. I wrote a little note that said "What are you doing May 13th, 2010? Look inside!" and handed it to DH. Of course he was excited about it! I'm still waiting on the doctor to call back with my qualitative HcG # that I had done on Friday and then have to convince them for another so we can make sure it's doubling. Of course their office is slow right now and I'm on edge! I'll be making a new blog here soon to focus on the pregnancy :)
Well I convince him early to let me test at 11 dpo - but he gave me a blue dye and I was worried the line was an evaporation, since I've heard so many people got them. He let me try an Answer pregnancy test but the "line" on there was only seen if we looked at many different angles so I didn't trust that either. My husband had a duty day next day - so he said it'd have to be two days until I tested again. Well I cheated and went out and bought myself some dollar tree tests. A light line appeared! Went out and bought myself a digital pregnancy test and "pregnant" came up just as fast!
I got one of those little paper gift bags and tissue paper, put the tissue paper in it along with the pregnant test. I wrote a little note that said "What are you doing May 13th, 2010? Look inside!" and handed it to DH. Of course he was excited about it! I'm still waiting on the doctor to call back with my qualitative HcG # that I had done on Friday and then have to convince them for another so we can make sure it's doubling. Of course their office is slow right now and I'm on edge! I'll be making a new blog here soon to focus on the pregnancy :)
Monday, June 29, 2009
CD 3
Yes, last cycle was also a bum cycle again. I was *so* sure I was pregnant. Maybe thinking I was pregnant is what caused me to feel all those symptoms, I guess I'll never know. I guess I can look forward to the fact my period came on it's own for the third month in a row. This round it was a 35 day cycle, which is still good and a lot better improvement then not having one for 2-9 months at a time. I'm just still stuck in a funk about the whole situation - I just felt it was time and was denied again. I think this next round I'll have to try to hold out on testing until at least 13dpo, it will save me tests and hopefully my sanity too.
I have been trying to decide these past few days whether or not I should be taking clomid. I feel more depressed when PMS hits on clomid. I feel like bawling more then normal. It's been two months on clomid so maybe it's time for a break. I'm just hoping I still can ovulate without the use of clomid. I wish I had used charting longer then maybe I'd know if my body could do it on it's own. It's odd but I had a dream just this morning telling me to make sure I BD because I'm going to ovulate early. Just in case it's true, I'll make sure and dance the dance more!
Sorry if I'm chattering, it's been a long day. The good thing is tomorrow we're going to see some of DH's relatives (his brother, his brother's wife and son, and his father). We plan to hit the Seattle zoo so hopefully everything goes well!! Should be an exciting and fun day which means I have to get everything prepared!
I have been trying to decide these past few days whether or not I should be taking clomid. I feel more depressed when PMS hits on clomid. I feel like bawling more then normal. It's been two months on clomid so maybe it's time for a break. I'm just hoping I still can ovulate without the use of clomid. I wish I had used charting longer then maybe I'd know if my body could do it on it's own. It's odd but I had a dream just this morning telling me to make sure I BD because I'm going to ovulate early. Just in case it's true, I'll make sure and dance the dance more!
Sorry if I'm chattering, it's been a long day. The good thing is tomorrow we're going to see some of DH's relatives (his brother, his brother's wife and son, and his father). We plan to hit the Seattle zoo so hopefully everything goes well!! Should be an exciting and fun day which means I have to get everything prepared!
Friday, June 12, 2009
CD 21
I'm already 21 days into my cycle. I was sure I posted an update or two before then. I must be spacing off lately!!! Well yesterday OPK's and my clearblue easy fertility monitor (CBEFM) both confirmed ovulation is going to happen soon! Yay! I had the most intense cramps yesterday but they've gone away today. Temperature still is low so I either am ovulating or going to soon so hopefully my temps spike tomorrow.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
CD 11
Today is now CD 11. I finished my clomid yesterday since I started it a day late, I just hope a day does not make a difference. Then again if it benefits me I'm all for it! Using my Clearblue easy fertility monitor (CBEFM) daily. Still says low fertility. The first month it starts it so early to try and get used to your cycles. Means I'll be going through probably 20 sticks too!! They want you to always use test sticks in packs of ten. So even if it detects fertility it wants you to continue after it, which I guess you don't really need to do. If I have to use over 20 I'll refuse! I just hope it shows peak fertility soon.
My CM is starting to show it's fertile. It's turning eggwhite and stretchy so I hope that means good news! I'll be keeping an eye on everything. I know a lot of women think it's a burden but I think it's helping me learn more about my body. I mean, honestly how many women know that their cervix changes positions different time in their cycle? Certainly not me!
Anyway, baby dust to all :)
My CM is starting to show it's fertile. It's turning eggwhite and stretchy so I hope that means good news! I'll be keeping an eye on everything. I know a lot of women think it's a burden but I think it's helping me learn more about my body. I mean, honestly how many women know that their cervix changes positions different time in their cycle? Certainly not me!
Anyway, baby dust to all :)
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