Primary and secondary infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss. PCOS. Insulin Resistance. Low progesterone. Vitamin D deficient. 3 1/2 years and 3 (more) clomid cycle cautiously expecting #2!

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Mourning an anniversary

It hurts me so much today to be mourning the year anniversary since I started bleeding when I was 6w2d pregnant. After an ER visit I was told there wasn't a baby in my uterus and my HCG was diving rather quickly. To be so on top of the world and taken down so quickly hurt so much. I don't think I've healed yet.. in fact, I KNOW I haven't. I cried and cried yesterday. I lost my baby 4 days before my birthday. My child was due May 17th, the day of my husband's and my first date. It's kind of killed too special occasions in one swift strike. I don't think it helps my SIL announced a month later she was due three weeks before I should have been. She's my reminder I should have a four month old.

Tomorrow will make 4 months since my last miscarriage. The 21st and 22nd are not joyous days, as you can tell. I was 8w3d and had been spotting on and off for a week, but the ultrasound they did three days prior showed a heartbeat (although they didn't check to see the babies growth or heart rate) and told me not to worry. I knew better. I knew what to expect, or thought I was prepared. So when the 22nd came and I started bleeding heavily we went to the ER for the worst news, the little heart stopped beating. Now the jerks we know as military doctors told me I wouldn't see the baby pass. What idiots they are and I knew they were. A little less then a week later my husband and I were fooling around and as you can imagine our shock when the sac with the tiny tiny (like a lima bean size) baby came out. Talk about traumatic. We buried the little one under a rhododendron we decided to plant in memorial... appropriate as we now fight to keep the rhododendron alive. Guess some things don't live forever. And now I have my second reminder - the day I miscarried my friend found out she was due 4 weeks after I should have been. And that pregnancy was due December 29th, our wedding anniversary. Another joyous occasion that hurts now to think of celebrating instead of mourning.

Honestly I can never imagine how people change once you've had a miscarriage. My friend that's pregnant pretty much avoids me... she wrote me a considerate E-mail once about wishing there was something she could do to help but at the same time has she talked to me once since then (aside from me catching her passing by at Wally World)?

I keep questioning what did I do? Why was I the one that deserved to miscarry while someone gets to have a child? Am I that bad of a person? Does my son not deserve a sibling or is destined to be an only child the rest of his life? What connection will he have when we have another child, seeing as he'll be at least 5 1/2 or older assuming we conceive a child in the next few months? How much will I have to do to get pregnant? Will clomid work or is it a waste of the next 5 cycles? Will we need to make the 1 hour drive one way to see a RE for IUI or IVF? I wish I knew all the answers. DH asked me what I want to do today... and all I feel like is crying.

My temperature dived to cover-line today, 13 dpo. I'll be getting AF later tonight or tomorrow.


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