It's been ten days since my last post. You think by then I would have ovulated, right? Right?! I regret to inform you I haven't ovulated. Sadly I'm on CD 20 and barely have the start of EWCM. That means it'll probably be another 5-8 days before I finally see that temperature rise happen.
My expected AF date is on my son's birthday, Valentine's day. That is assuming I ovulate in four days, which I kind of think is doubtful but you never know. My DH said I'd have to test the day after our son's birthday if that is the case - the pee addict in me is thinking 7dpo is a more logical date to test. Companies who created pregnancy tests sure know what they were doing, didn't they? If I had to choose between chocolate and pregnancy tests I'd choose the pregnancy tests. Sad, isn't it? They've become such a big part of my life.
Honestly in some ways I think that's why my DH let me get a better camera... to lessen the stress of TTC and focus more on taking beautiful pictures. Granted the beautiful pictures part hasn't happened 100% but I'm not that great. LOL. I really think it helps me feel less stressed about TTC though, which is a plus. Hopefully it means good news this month.. no matter the outcome of this month I'll be taking photos. Only difference is if I get pregnant when I'm 7-8 months along I'll be doing self timer pictures of me. If only...
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Waiting to ovulate is boring
It's CD 10 here and boy do I wish I was "normal"!! I've seen friends on the TTC boards go through waiting to ovulate, to the 2ww, to waiting to ovulate again in the time it usually takes me to get into the 2ww myself. One of these cycles I need to look into anything that can help ovulation occur earlier. I know I should be glad I'm getting my period on my own now and that I am ovulating, but when you finally ovulate 21+ days later it feels like the cycle will never end! Even though when I look at it I'm still healthy - experiencing 35-38 day cycles. I remember when I could count on my period not being here for months. I've come a long way at least!
I know this blog isn't that exciting but it's kind of been dull lately. During this period of time there's no use of OPK's, obviously. The only "excitement" is scant creamy CM which doesn't usually happen early, but since my miscarriage I've never been normal.
I'll be calling to schedule an OB/gyn appointment soon. After discussion my DH and I figured it'd be good to take it to the next step and get a referral to the military hospital in Tacoma for further fertility work and possibly IUI as a next step. I'm still a little nervous on this thought, but I'd at least like us to see if there is other reasons we're having complications.
I know this blog isn't that exciting but it's kind of been dull lately. During this period of time there's no use of OPK's, obviously. The only "excitement" is scant creamy CM which doesn't usually happen early, but since my miscarriage I've never been normal.
I'll be calling to schedule an OB/gyn appointment soon. After discussion my DH and I figured it'd be good to take it to the next step and get a referral to the military hospital in Tacoma for further fertility work and possibly IUI as a next step. I'm still a little nervous on this thought, but I'd at least like us to see if there is other reasons we're having complications.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
The Wicked Witch of the West
Every month in an infertile person's life comes the thing we hate most - the wicked witch. The thing we dread getting every month (or more, if you're irregular) and really wish we could do without. Why? Because if we didn't have it it's possible we're pregnant!!
It does remind me of the Wizard of Oz, except I'd be the one asking for a heart, brain, and courage. A heart to not feel jealous of every other pregnant belly I see, a brain to find out what is wrong with my body, and courage to stand strong when those are getting pregnant or having a ton of children before me. Granted I already feel too much pain as it is. Perhaps I should ask for a brick wall to hide my feelings in. Surely the Wizard could grant me that, right?
My wicked witch made her appearance today. It was only 12 dpo which brings me down to a 11 day LP. Not too pleased with that, although I guess it could be worse. I just was really hopeful this would be the month but who was I kidding? If I only had a brain...
I know people want me to feel happy and think I'll get over it in a few days (or weeks). Perhaps they're right.. but right now as the Keith Urban song goes, "Tonight I want to cry."
It does remind me of the Wizard of Oz, except I'd be the one asking for a heart, brain, and courage. A heart to not feel jealous of every other pregnant belly I see, a brain to find out what is wrong with my body, and courage to stand strong when those are getting pregnant or having a ton of children before me. Granted I already feel too much pain as it is. Perhaps I should ask for a brick wall to hide my feelings in. Surely the Wizard could grant me that, right?
My wicked witch made her appearance today. It was only 12 dpo which brings me down to a 11 day LP. Not too pleased with that, although I guess it could be worse. I just was really hopeful this would be the month but who was I kidding? If I only had a brain...
I know people want me to feel happy and think I'll get over it in a few days (or weeks). Perhaps they're right.. but right now as the Keith Urban song goes, "Tonight I want to cry."
Saturday, January 2, 2010
You know you're a TTC addict...
Make no mistake I'm trying not to poke fun at people who have done this, considering this list is things I have done myself... so if you haven't done these then feel free to laugh at me.
1. Having over 30 pregnancy tests at one point in time. Do you really need 30 tests for the job? Well, you do if you want to test early and keep testing until you either see your BFP or the evil wench shows up each cycle! Even more addicted when they are 3 or more different brands. "Well this one detects 20 HcG, this one is just cheap, and this one will flash a big sign at you saying 'YOU ARE PREGNANT, STOP TESTING!'" Yes... I have done this.
2. You test early - we're talking at 5 dpo. I mean, seriously, what did you expect to see? A blaring positive pregnancy test? Every where you have read says implantation doesn't occur until typically 7-10dpo so what makes you think you'd see it this early on? Oh yeah, those lucky gals on the TTC boards who said they found out that early! I mean do they really know their ovulation date correctly? This addiction also includes eagle eyes - you swear you see lines on them as well! And yes, that would my pregnancy test from today, 5dpo.
3. You inspect your toilet paper every time you wipe. That or check your cervix for signs of spotting. Is there anything you see? Is that spotting - and if so, what color? Red? Light pink? Could it be implantation? Aunt flow? You honestly don't know, but analyzing your toilet paper has become a hobby to you. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if you're only a few days past ovulation... don't worry we won't judge. Secretly we have done the same.
4. You spend hours on the computer looking up symptoms to see if they're related to being pregnancy. Sore breasts? Cramps in the abdomen? Sensitive to smells? Nauseous? Let's face it - the sore breasts are because our husband isn't gentle in the bed, those cramps are our impending period, and we're nauseous because our husband's current choice of recipe is both overpowering and highly upsetting on taste. Or is it the reason...? Too bad we don't have a chocolate computer like this one so if we don't like the answers or have our period we could just take a chunk out of it. (If you want one I found it at Temptations fine chocolates). LOL.
5. You belong to Countdowntopregnancy.com Yes, in addition to looking up symptoms is now you found yourself a home on this website, recording every single thing your body does. This website can make you a little obsessive as every twinge and odd thing in your body they look at like it's pregnancy related! Who knew soreness in your muscles could mean pregnancy, instead of that you just went to the gym. I mean, check this website out - people have recorded 1dpo having a lot of signs and symptoms. If only we knew 1 dpo that we were pregnant! Honestly, I joined up with this site and found it upsetting when I had ALL of their symptoms and wasn't pregnant. But for amusements sake... maybe I should go back...
1. Having over 30 pregnancy tests at one point in time. Do you really need 30 tests for the job? Well, you do if you want to test early and keep testing until you either see your BFP or the evil wench shows up each cycle! Even more addicted when they are 3 or more different brands. "Well this one detects 20 HcG, this one is just cheap, and this one will flash a big sign at you saying 'YOU ARE PREGNANT, STOP TESTING!'" Yes... I have done this.
2. You test early - we're talking at 5 dpo. I mean, seriously, what did you expect to see? A blaring positive pregnancy test? Every where you have read says implantation doesn't occur until typically 7-10dpo so what makes you think you'd see it this early on? Oh yeah, those lucky gals on the TTC boards who said they found out that early! I mean do they really know their ovulation date correctly? This addiction also includes eagle eyes - you swear you see lines on them as well! And yes, that would my pregnancy test from today, 5dpo.
3. You inspect your toilet paper every time you wipe. That or check your cervix for signs of spotting. Is there anything you see? Is that spotting - and if so, what color? Red? Light pink? Could it be implantation? Aunt flow? You honestly don't know, but analyzing your toilet paper has become a hobby to you. Sometimes it doesn't even matter if you're only a few days past ovulation... don't worry we won't judge. Secretly we have done the same.
4. You spend hours on the computer looking up symptoms to see if they're related to being pregnancy. Sore breasts? Cramps in the abdomen? Sensitive to smells? Nauseous? Let's face it - the sore breasts are because our husband isn't gentle in the bed, those cramps are our impending period, and we're nauseous because our husband's current choice of recipe is both overpowering and highly upsetting on taste. Or is it the reason...? Too bad we don't have a chocolate computer like this one so if we don't like the answers or have our period we could just take a chunk out of it. (If you want one I found it at Temptations fine chocolates). LOL.
5. You belong to Countdowntopregnancy.com Yes, in addition to looking up symptoms is now you found yourself a home on this website, recording every single thing your body does. This website can make you a little obsessive as every twinge and odd thing in your body they look at like it's pregnancy related! Who knew soreness in your muscles could mean pregnancy, instead of that you just went to the gym. I mean, check this website out - people have recorded 1dpo having a lot of signs and symptoms. If only we knew 1 dpo that we were pregnant! Honestly, I joined up with this site and found it upsetting when I had ALL of their symptoms and wasn't pregnant. But for amusements sake... maybe I should go back...
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Abbreviations are our friends...
Unfortunately there is nothing you can really do in the 2ww that is exciting. At least in the fertile phase there's a lot of BDing going on. Not saying that it isn't going on... still! During the fertile phase you have a lot to talk about. OPK's, EWCM, CP, Mittlelschmerz (if you're a person who gets that... I randomly do), etc etc. Even more to discuss if you're undergoing IUI or IVF. If you have no clue what I said in these last few sentences, you're definitely not TTC hard enough and doing your research!
Honestly TTC lingo/abbreviations remind me a lot like the Navy. My husband can have a full conversation with military abbreviations, I swear. Of course unless you have been there you have NO IDEA what they're saying. It's like me saying, "I checked an OPK today and it was pos. It coincides with my EWCM and CP which is in the SHOW phase. We BD'd until the BBT temp shift occurred and I had my dry up. I hope this 2ww will go by quickly and then we'll see a BFP! Hopefully my LP is healthy if we aren't!" I mean.. seriously. Any person who hasn't tried hard to conceive will look at me and say, "wha---huh?" I haven't ever said that to my friends or family who have had it easy. Maybe I should just to see them stumped.
Seriously, I think every one should try to stump their friends and family as well today. We need some amusement in the 2ww... right?
Those who have no clue what I said in this post:
OPK - Ovulation predictor kit
pos - positive
EWCM - egg-white cervical mucus
CP - Cervical position
SHOW - Soft, high, open, wet (fertile qualities of your CP)
BBT - Basal body temperature
BD - baby danced
2ww - two week wait
LP - luteal phase
BFP - big fat positive
TTC - trying to conceive
Did I miss any? :)
Honestly TTC lingo/abbreviations remind me a lot like the Navy. My husband can have a full conversation with military abbreviations, I swear. Of course unless you have been there you have NO IDEA what they're saying. It's like me saying, "I checked an OPK today and it was pos. It coincides with my EWCM and CP which is in the SHOW phase. We BD'd until the BBT temp shift occurred and I had my dry up. I hope this 2ww will go by quickly and then we'll see a BFP! Hopefully my LP is healthy if we aren't!" I mean.. seriously. Any person who hasn't tried hard to conceive will look at me and say, "wha---huh?" I haven't ever said that to my friends or family who have had it easy. Maybe I should just to see them stumped.
Seriously, I think every one should try to stump their friends and family as well today. We need some amusement in the 2ww... right?
Those who have no clue what I said in this post:
OPK - Ovulation predictor kit
pos - positive
EWCM - egg-white cervical mucus
CP - Cervical position
SHOW - Soft, high, open, wet (fertile qualities of your CP)
BBT - Basal body temperature
BD - baby danced
2ww - two week wait
LP - luteal phase
BFP - big fat positive
TTC - trying to conceive
Did I miss any? :)
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I know I haven't been here...
It's been quite some time since I have posted. My husband went on the submarine September 30th so there wasn't any TTC for quite some time, but now I'm back. Ever since my miscarriage my cycles have been different each round. This cycle I was on CD 26 before I finally ovulated (normal can be anywhere from CD 20 to CD 25), but I hardly had any EWCM - just one or two days but the rest was creamy. Normally I get 5-7 days of EWCM so this one I worry will be a bust just because the lack of quality CM. I have two temps over cover-line to confirm ovulation but I worry since my temps have been closer to coverline then normal. Infact, my temps haven't been the same since the miscarriage. Moving forward though...
We BD'd quite often this round, considering he just got home in the beginning of December so of course our hormones are a little overkill. It's been fun, however, since we haven't thought 100% of just babymaking but also of just having ourselves pleased with eachother. In time I know pregnancy will come - even though I'm emotional about it all still.
I never did update... about two months after I told my sister-in-law about my miscarriage in an E-mail she E-mailed every one announcing she was 3 months pregnant, which is where I would have been at that time. That has sent me on and off into an emotional down over these past few months. On Christmas my husband called his brother and of course I could tell where the conversation led to... I was depressed to find out they know the gender of their baby now. It made all my emotions come back to surface when I realized they knew their gender - why couldn't I be there, in the same situation.. finding out the gender of my baby instead of waiting to ovulate? It's hard sometimes.
In time the wounds will heal. I guess it's harder when she had two children under 2 and pregnant again and here I am... having an almost 4 year old son I can't seem to bless with a sibling. I'm so grateful every day for the son I have, but I don't want him to grow up wishing he could have a brother or sister to talk to and spend time with.
We BD'd quite often this round, considering he just got home in the beginning of December so of course our hormones are a little overkill. It's been fun, however, since we haven't thought 100% of just babymaking but also of just having ourselves pleased with eachother. In time I know pregnancy will come - even though I'm emotional about it all still.
I never did update... about two months after I told my sister-in-law about my miscarriage in an E-mail she E-mailed every one announcing she was 3 months pregnant, which is where I would have been at that time. That has sent me on and off into an emotional down over these past few months. On Christmas my husband called his brother and of course I could tell where the conversation led to... I was depressed to find out they know the gender of their baby now. It made all my emotions come back to surface when I realized they knew their gender - why couldn't I be there, in the same situation.. finding out the gender of my baby instead of waiting to ovulate? It's hard sometimes.
In time the wounds will heal. I guess it's harder when she had two children under 2 and pregnant again and here I am... having an almost 4 year old son I can't seem to bless with a sibling. I'm so grateful every day for the son I have, but I don't want him to grow up wishing he could have a brother or sister to talk to and spend time with.
Friday, September 25, 2009
A "happy" birthday...
Before my doctor's appointment I went to get my blood work done and dealt with. It sucks because there was three or four people there getting prenatal blood work done. The bad thing about military hospitals and dealing with them is you get no privacy, granted the ladies talking to the front desk weren't exactly silent. So I had quite a few ladies checking in on their pregnancies and one even had a 5 month old baby with her! Say the least that made me even more depressed.
After waiting 30 minutes for my blood work I headed up to the ob/gyn clinic. More pregnant ladies. Seriously, you think the ob/gyn would schedule an appointment where there would be no pregnant ladies around but I guess there's more happy moments in pregnancy than there are bad. The person sitting across from me in the waiting room was staring at ultrasound pictures. I'm not sure whether or not to feel bad for her, I couldn't tell if she was sniffling with a cold or sniffling otherwise. I didn't see any tears though. I guess I should be feeling better I didn't get to see a heartbeat before I miscarried, but still it is painful.
The nurse and doctor I talked to were both sympathetic. The nurse told me happy birthday, and then stuttered when I told her there was nothing happy about this day and about miscarrying. I did thank her for her good intentions, though. Oddly enough my blood pressure is what I'd consider low - 103/80. The bottom number was high, but odd nonetheless. The doctor told me there was nothing I did wrong and that unfortunately these things happen. He said because of what happened there was no way to know what happened or why the baby didn't stick. He did a trans vaginal ultrasound to check things out, he measured my lining and told me it looks great and normal. After doing the ultrasound he mentioned if he didn't know my circumstances looking at the ultrasound he'd have just thought I got over having a period. In all reality - I think that is what happened. I think I had a chemical pregnancy, best described as having the embryo die after conception before it has a chance to grow and develop. Granted I don't even know if you could call it an embryo at that phase, it's just all confusing. Most likely something wrong due to the chromosomes but you just never know.
The doctor mentioned since I've been pregnant three times obviously my husband's sperm and my eggs are good. He said obviously I have been ovulating so I could start trying on my own in two months again. I mentioned my husband is leaving in less than a week on a submarine so he said we could start trying again when he gets back, in December. Unfortunately my husband hasn't been around enough to help me deal emotionally, since they're getting ready to leave I've been on my own. He was supposed to be "free" today but the submarine had issues and didn't do what they were going to do yesterday (starting everything up and checking on all the equipment) so they're doing that today and of course that means he might not even be home tonight. Soon I won't even see him and I can't even enjoy him the few days before he does, it's just depressing.
As for how I'm feeling emotionally... I'm dealing. My son and I will try to salvage tonight by eating ice cream, pizza and playing games at chuck-e cheese. Most likely I'll end it by buying my son a gift and remembering how grateful I should be that I've had one blessing. He is my birthday gift. I just hope I can keep my eyes open for all of it.
Oh, as for the beta results: 11. I'm almost done miscarrying, I guess. I guess I should also mention the dear doctor I talked to said this next time once I find out I'm pregnant since I've miscarried twice I can get in for an ultrasound earlier like 6 weeks pregnant! Not exactly how I wanted it to happen, but good to know. Good to know!
After waiting 30 minutes for my blood work I headed up to the ob/gyn clinic. More pregnant ladies. Seriously, you think the ob/gyn would schedule an appointment where there would be no pregnant ladies around but I guess there's more happy moments in pregnancy than there are bad. The person sitting across from me in the waiting room was staring at ultrasound pictures. I'm not sure whether or not to feel bad for her, I couldn't tell if she was sniffling with a cold or sniffling otherwise. I didn't see any tears though. I guess I should be feeling better I didn't get to see a heartbeat before I miscarried, but still it is painful.
The nurse and doctor I talked to were both sympathetic. The nurse told me happy birthday, and then stuttered when I told her there was nothing happy about this day and about miscarrying. I did thank her for her good intentions, though. Oddly enough my blood pressure is what I'd consider low - 103/80. The bottom number was high, but odd nonetheless. The doctor told me there was nothing I did wrong and that unfortunately these things happen. He said because of what happened there was no way to know what happened or why the baby didn't stick. He did a trans vaginal ultrasound to check things out, he measured my lining and told me it looks great and normal. After doing the ultrasound he mentioned if he didn't know my circumstances looking at the ultrasound he'd have just thought I got over having a period. In all reality - I think that is what happened. I think I had a chemical pregnancy, best described as having the embryo die after conception before it has a chance to grow and develop. Granted I don't even know if you could call it an embryo at that phase, it's just all confusing. Most likely something wrong due to the chromosomes but you just never know.
The doctor mentioned since I've been pregnant three times obviously my husband's sperm and my eggs are good. He said obviously I have been ovulating so I could start trying on my own in two months again. I mentioned my husband is leaving in less than a week on a submarine so he said we could start trying again when he gets back, in December. Unfortunately my husband hasn't been around enough to help me deal emotionally, since they're getting ready to leave I've been on my own. He was supposed to be "free" today but the submarine had issues and didn't do what they were going to do yesterday (starting everything up and checking on all the equipment) so they're doing that today and of course that means he might not even be home tonight. Soon I won't even see him and I can't even enjoy him the few days before he does, it's just depressing.
As for how I'm feeling emotionally... I'm dealing. My son and I will try to salvage tonight by eating ice cream, pizza and playing games at chuck-e cheese. Most likely I'll end it by buying my son a gift and remembering how grateful I should be that I've had one blessing. He is my birthday gift. I just hope I can keep my eyes open for all of it.
Oh, as for the beta results: 11. I'm almost done miscarrying, I guess. I guess I should also mention the dear doctor I talked to said this next time once I find out I'm pregnant since I've miscarried twice I can get in for an ultrasound earlier like 6 weeks pregnant! Not exactly how I wanted it to happen, but good to know. Good to know!
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