Primary and secondary infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss. PCOS. Insulin Resistance. Low progesterone. Vitamin D deficient. 3 1/2 years and 3 (more) clomid cycle cautiously expecting #2!

Thursday, July 15, 2004


Well, yesterday I finally started my pills to get my period. I was sure I'd get it on my own, but waiting it out wasn't showing any progress. So, if I don't get my period "on my own" I should be responding to these pills by the 22nd of this month.

My heartaches today though. I got an email from my mother in law. Aldon's younger brother married in April, right? Well, she said Ben called her up, asked her if she was sitting down and told her Carmen (the wife) is pregnant. Due in February, meaning it was one month after their marriage that she got pregnant. And as much as I had a feeling that'd happen, I wasn't quite ready for it. Especially after another month of negative results. 21 months trying and still counting here.

Laura (one of the sisters) said she's glad because she was the only one of the six siblings to have children. She has three. And I hurt. Because, honestly, it should be me pregnant. Aldon and I have been so ready for a child and no one understands us. No one understands the heartache I've gone through every month I find out more bad news. To date, I believe 15 people I've known have gotten pregnant/had a child (well, one aborted, which I cannot forgive) during the time we started trying.

And I feel like an outcast. Honestly, I do. I can't see how I'm supposed to put a smile on my face while this newly wedded couple is pregnant. Aldon doesn't know yet. When he comes home from work today it's going to be hard to say... "Hey, how was your day? Mine.. okay. I exercised today and crocheted a little. Oh, and by the way your younger brother and her wife are pregnant."

I am happy for her, but I'm envious. I feel like I'm fighting so hard for nothing, and all these others are getting knocked up for free. I know when I get pregnant I'll love my children deeply and have a better understanding for others like me. I'll truly appreciate the blessings of life. But a woman can only handle so much heartache before she goes numb.


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