Primary and secondary infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss. PCOS. Insulin Resistance. Low progesterone. Vitamin D deficient. 3 1/2 years and 3 (more) clomid cycle cautiously expecting #2!

Sunday, December 26, 2010

Getting past this point...

I really hate how infertility and/or recurrent pregnancy loss kills your innocence. It's made it so hard for me to feel happy about things currently. Instead I'm nervous, paranoid and afraid to lose yet another pregnancy.

Honestly I still cannot look at another pregnant ladies belly without a twinge. I'm jealous. Nothing bad, but I'm just wishing I could get to that point. Just kind of hits me and makes me wonder... will I ever get to that point again? Don't get me wrong.. so excited to see all those who've dealt with horrible situations to be blessed. I just worry about my situation.

I wish I could be like my one sister in law... she's a fertile myrtle. As fertile as it gets, in fact she so lovingly referred to her family in her Christmas newsletter as "the ever-growing family". Secretly my other SIL, Misty, and I feel like that means she's pregnant again (she has an 8 month old and two others under 3). She's one of those people who doesn't seem to ever worry about what's going to happen. She's oblivious, it seems. One day I wish she'd live in our shoes and I only wished I lived in hers. Oh to not worry every time you have an ultrasound if it is the last time you'll see a heart beat. Must be nice.

Any one else feel like your innocence has been taken away?



Sarah S said...

I hear ya, I wrote a post very similar to this one last week.

I feel like Infertility has stolen my joy, I can't be happy for my own pregnancy because of every thing I had to go through to get to this point.

I hope your 2011 is filled with Joy and Happiness!
Happy ICLW

Jenny said...

I absolutely feel that way. Not only has it taken away my innocence, but just down-right made me fearful. I worry for friends when they announce their pregnancies the day the find out - of course nothing ever seems to go wrong for any of them, just us. I am scared of not falling pregnant again, but even more terrified that if (when!) I do it will go horribly wrong again and leave us with even more pain.

Hopefully one day we'll all replace that lost innocence with wisdom and peace.

Lisa Rouff, Ph.D. said...

I think the loss of innocence is very common with infertility. It's a loss not to have it anymore, but it does come with a silver lining--awareness and wisdom. Unfortunately, the fact is that bad things sometimes do happen, and I feel it's better to be aware of that possibility. It also helps you appreciate things in your life that do go well.

I wish you the best of luck in your pregnancy!

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