Primary and secondary infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss. PCOS. Insulin Resistance. Low progesterone. Vitamin D deficient. 3 1/2 years and 3 (more) clomid cycle cautiously expecting #2!

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Bummed out...

Yesterday night I had another dream, this time it wasn't as pleasant of a dream. I remember being in the ob/gyn's office pregnant this time. I had the nurse or someone come in and tell me that I'm miscarrying. I started screaming and yelling about how unfair this was and went off on it all. I remember seeing the looks of other pregnant ladies and was told to leave because I was upsetting the other pregnant ladies, but I didn't care. I woke up... my temperature is still high. Took a pregnancy test. BFN. 13 dpo and a BFN! This cycle sucks. I can officially say I'm out. I know there's no way I'll be seeing a BFP this cycle, unless it's a miracle. AF is due tomorrow.

I'm just bummed. I hate trying and trying to see BFN's every cycle!! I hate comparing my charts because I see my two charts where I was pregnant and then am reminded I've miscarried twice. I should have a 5 month old or be 30 weeks pregnant! Why the hell is that fair that I don't get to keep my pregnancies but those who got pregnant near me are blessed and never have had to worry about it? Why is it fair! I wouldn't wish a miscarriage on anyone, but why? What did I do to deserve not having a 5 month old? Right now I'd be cheering them on while they try to crawl and sit up. Instead I'm expecting my period tomorrow.

I'm in a foul mood. Hopefully I'll get over it soon... but I'm just so frustrated with TTC and everything. It sucks to see every one else around me get pregnant, but I'm on the sidelines. I cannot even muster a congratulations lately.


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