Primary and secondary infertility. Recurrent pregnancy loss. PCOS. Insulin Resistance. Low progesterone. Vitamin D deficient. 3 1/2 years and 3 (more) clomid cycle cautiously expecting #2!

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

How do you let go?

I'm always amazed by my "invisible" friends who have gone through their own trials and pain yet still have a positive outlook on things. How they are able to let go of their pain and worry? I'm always proud of how strong they are, but wonder... what do I need to do to let go of every thing I fear and am hurt from?

I usually can tell when my period will come by how I'm feeling. Obviously being that I just finished up my 5 days of provera today it should be soon, but otherwise I know because my emotions hit harder. I'm finding myself more upset reading everyone's blog because of their pains. I feel suffering for them and everything I've been through. I'm hurting and hard.

With my first miscarriage I remember being so hurt especially after trying for two years, but four months later I was comforted when I got pregnant with my beautiful son. I remember the pain slowly going away as I was filled with joy when I started filling kicks. And suddenly it was so real and worth it that the pain was gone. When our son was a year old we decided to try again so he would have a sibling to look forward to. Aldon wanted 3-5 children and I suggested 2-3, so we met in the middle with 3. So I never had my head set on only one child, even though I wouldn't change it for the world. And now going through almost 3 1/2 years of TTC and two miscarriage I'm wearing my pain on my shoulder. I'm so grateful for my son, but I always hoped he'd have a sibling of his own. All of his cousins do! I worry someday he'll ask me why he doesn't have siblings and I wouldn't know what to say. What mother wants to tell their child that they have had losses?

I know my situation could be worse, I see it when I read other blogs. My heart goes out to them so much, but seriously.. how do you get to become so strong and full of faith?

I think I might look into seeing a therapist soon, but know I want to search for one who deals with infertility and pregnancy loss. I don't know if I can find one who will show sympathy and understanding but hopefully it's possible. I love my blog because it's therapeutic writing every thing down but maybe it's time to see if there's something more I can do to get to "letting go" as well.

Any one recommend any books? Doesn't need to be pregnancy loss related even, just something to help me find peace I need.

Writing it down has helped... but I still wish I could get over the worry. Sometimes I wonder... should we keep trying if all we're faced is with miscarriages? I've seen the light out of the end of the tunnel before but cannot seem to see it right now.

Wanted to add, I know people will probably think I'm weird, but when Pandora plays this one song it makes me happy. I don't know why but I always smile and of course it played when I started writing this blog, so I had to look up the video for it:

Feel free to judge me! I know I do. LOL.


Glass Case of Emotion said...

I am not always strong, that's for sure. But, I've done a lot of self work on fear, and I think that helps. I do have fears we all do, but therapy might help you work on them balancing a bit. I have therapy, I have lots of support, and I have a long history of therapy and figuring out the roots of my fears, etc... due to getting trained as a therapist. So, I had a pretty good idea of things before IF started. But, I was pretty devastated for about 3 years, and then I started to learn how to cope a little better. Because I had to...

As far as books I would recommend books on Jon Kabat Zinn and Mindfulness Meditation. It's not the mind going blank kind of meditation, it's about staying in the here and now, and not in fears and worries. I also have his meditation cd's.

Wishing you luck on your process..

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